Enma Kozato Posted December 7, 2009 Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 Remove[/align] due to severe f@ggotry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.:Mimi:. Posted December 7, 2009 Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 Well, I like the basic concept. The fact that some people will rise and stop aging for younger people is somewhat overused, but I like it. The bad thing is, your grammar and your spelling aren't the best, so try to work on that. I would probably read this as it continued if you can improve your spelling and grammar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted December 7, 2009 Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 hmm... improve spelling. Try showing things instead of telling us, like instead of telling us about this problem, show it happening. It seems like a fine, if slightly overused concept, but so far so good. I might read it if it improves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enma Kozato Posted December 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 Wow I just dreamed of this one day and anyways I didn't want to throw you into sonething you didn't understand but the story will be amazing (if I can think of names for the main characters) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted December 7, 2009 Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 http://seventhsanctum.com Better conventions, pl0x. Also, you'd better not use Light+Dark=Good+Evil, with both being impossibly powerful and the Chosen One, because both conventions are officially cliché and will seriously hurt your story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enma Kozato Posted December 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 7, 2009 No actually that Is not my plot there are the light and darks teens of legend although they work together the two alpha males often fight don't worry I'm more original than thatAdded first life ch1 preview Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enma Kozato Posted December 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 8, 2009 Full ch1 added Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted December 8, 2009 Report Share Posted December 8, 2009 hmm... it seems to have a good beginning... try adding a space or indsent after each new paragraph. It helps readers concentrate on your story.Most grammar is fine. Most.I want to find out what happens after this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niño Posted December 9, 2009 Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 It seemed kind of interesting, although Hao is a clan, is that where you've got it from?.To be honest the names sound sort of made up or at least looked into too much, if you want some real Japanese or foreign names PM me. I like the plot of the story it's... interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enma Kozato Posted December 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 I'm not kidding when i say I dreamed this up as in it was a dream but a few of the ppl didn't have names or atleast I didn't dream them (mostly the kids with the wings still figuring out what to call them)anyways I'll have a few chapters added soon likely today Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted December 9, 2009 Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 kids with wings... it seems to me like maximum ride. (book, graphic novel, too.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enma Kozato Posted December 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 I knew somebody was gonna say that eventually just wondering whenand when 2nd life is written then you will take that backsame with 3rd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted December 9, 2009 Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 I'm sure I will, cause if your was anything more liek it, there'd be no point writing the story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enma Kozato Posted December 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 9, 2009 Ch2 added the others are still in progress and Ch2 has yet to get a name[spoiler=for those who know my name]yes I was in the dream I am Chase Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DL Posted December 10, 2009 Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 Chapter two... interesting... I see mathew was introduced, and your name was introduced, too. Not bad at all, so far. I shall look forward to the next chapter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Enma Kozato Posted December 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 Thank you now that that's done the two will not be in seperate chapters much if at all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 [spoiler=Mystery Science Ripoff 3892 — Episode 09: The Legend of Ziamos, Part 1]The Team:Armisael — The sixteenth angel. He/she (we will assume "she" by her attempted invasion of Rei Ayanami) is very lonely, and once attempted to change her essence to that of the distinctly not-lonely eighteenth angel's (id est, Humanity's) (there were lots of parentheses in this description).Dokuro — An angel only by the loosest definition, she was sent back in time to kill a reality warper who would transform the human population into attractive underage girls to satisfy his lolicon. She kills him regularly, and yet resurrects him just as often. Her bat may be related ot a certain legendary sword.Flonne — A fallen angel only by the loosest definition, she started living in Hell the Netherworld after her employer tried to become a god. She's geeky enough to serve as our source of pop culture references. Oddly, she's very naïve, despite the fact that she ought to have seen something by Anno or Kitoh by now. The child backed up against the wall, covered in the blood of his parents,Armisael: Moral ambiguity. Yay.Flonne: GASP as the scythe-wielding demon approached him,Flonne: Scythe-wielding? We barely have any scythes...Armisael: That would be the Grim Reaper. ready to slice the child in half.Flonne: GASPDokuro: Stop gasping. I don't get the problem here. The child hit the wall and began muttering "I don't wanna die...I don't wanna die."Dokuro: You probably shouldn't have killed your parents, then.Flonne: He's really coming off as more of a Kako than a Soryu right now.Armisael: ...how are you still so naïve... As the demon prepared to take the life of the childDokuro: Awkward much? he yelled out "I don't wanna die!!!" and there was a blinding flash of light.Flonne: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Why, God, WHY DID HE HAVE TO LIVE?!Dokuro: Pipirupirupirupipirupi![/i] When the light faded the demon had a gaping hole in his torso. The demon alternated his viewArmisael: Alternated his view? from the kid to the hole then he evaporated into a black mist. Behind the demon was a teenager with a smoking finger pointed at where the demon once stood.Dokuro: DESCRIBE SOMEONE DAMMITFlonne: We'll never know what the patricidal maniac, the "savior," or the scythe-wielder look like... "Hey, kid are you alright?" the teenager asked the kid.Armisael: *teenager* "Say, whose blood is that?" The kid responded by staring up at the teenager in shock, then fainting.Dokuro: *patricidal maniac* "WHAT HAVE I DONE" "I better get him out of here."Flonne: *teenager* "And into Death Row!" The teen spoke when he saw a glimmer of golden light from the boys chestDokuro: *teenager* "Huh. For once, I didn't kill the demon." "So he's one of the next angelsAll: HEY.Flonne: We refuse to identify with a patricidal maniac!Dokuro: At least I resurrect him afterward! glad I got here when I could."Armisael: When you could what? The teen picked up the unconcious kid and walked outside, Then,Dokuro: THAT'S A PERIOD DAMMIT *swings Excalibolg* out of his back emerged golden feathered wings and flew offArmisael: ERROR 400: CRITICAL SYNTAX ERROR into the rural area around Haosia.Flonne: Which, of course, will not be described in any way. As the teenager flew an extremely large tree began to emerge from the horizon.Armisael: It could have been evergreen, deciduous, or a juniper. The world may never know. It was the largest known tree in the whole planet of Ziamos.Flonne: Yggdrasil! "Home at last." The teen saidArmisael: ERROR 400 — CRITICAL SYNTAX ERROR as he flew up to one of the extremely high branchesDokuro: This... is... not... making... SENSE! *swings Excalibolg around madly* and landed, then he placed the kid adjacent to him.Flonne: Even when you make sense, your wording is so awkward! A few hours later the kid regained conciousness.Dokuro: That's four S's! "Where am I?" the kid asked before looking down, then screaming and grabbing on to the nearest branch "CalmArmisael: ERROR 400 — CRITICAL SYNTAX ERROR down, I just brought you here to keep you safe, by the way my name is Gray."Armisael: *Gray* "Oh, and I speak in a lot of run-on sentences, I deliver too much information with two few words." The kid then calmed down as he saw Gray sitting on the branchFlonne: I thought he fell off!Dokuro: Isn't he supposed to be dead by now? He fell off Yggdrasil, right?Armisael: These angels are using their powers for all the wrong things. "You mean like the universe?" the kid askedAll: ...what? "Yeah only with an "A" instead of an "E", but enough of me who are you?"Flonne: *teenager* "And when did you last visit Hinamizawa?"Armisael: Author? Periods do exist, you know. The kid looked as if he had no idea what Gray was talking about "I don't remember."Armisael: That sentence is far too long. Gray thought to himself about this for a minuteDokuro: Hey, that's way too long! Don't make us wait a whole minute! "I know you were just knocked out and all but maybe some sleep would help you remember."Flonne: *Gray* "Two years oughta do the trick." Gray lied downoDokuro: ...huh? How do you lie downo? the humongous branch as if he had lived there his whole life.Armisael: Probably because he had. The kid was reluctant at first about lying down but eventually he gave up, lied down,Flonne: He's a liar and a patricidal maniac! and fell asleep.Flonne: Two years later... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenrir Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 [spoiler=Mystery Science Ripoff 3892 — Episode 09: The Legend of Ziamos' date= Part 1]The Team:Armisael — The sixteenth angel. He/she (we will assume "she" by her attempted invasion of Rei Ayanami) is very lonely, and once attempted to change her essence to that of the distinctly not-lonely eighteenth angel's (id est, Humanity's) (there were lots of parentheses in this description).Dokuro — An angel only by the loosest definition, she was sent back in time to kill a reality warper who would transform the human population into attractive underage girls to satisfy his lolicon. She kills him regularly, and yet resurrects him just as often. Her bat may be related ot a certain legendary sword.Flonne — A fallen angel only by the loosest definition, she started living in Hell the Netherworld after her employer tried to become a god. She's geeky enough to serve as our source of pop culture references. Oddly, she's very naïve, despite the fact that she ought to have seen something by Anno or Kitoh by now. The child backed up against the wall, covered in the blood of his parents,Armisael: Moral ambiguity. Yay.Flonne: GASP as the scythe-wielding demon approached him,Flonne: Scythe-wielding? We barely have any scythes...Armisael: That would be the Grim Reaper. ready to slice the child in half.Flonne: GASPDokuro: Stop gasping. I don't get the problem here. The child hit the wall and began muttering "I don't wanna die...I don't wanna die."Dokuro: You probably shouldn't have killed your parents, then.Flonne: He's really coming off as more of a Kako than a Soryu right now.Armisael: ...how are you still so naïve... As the demon prepared to take the life of the childDokuro: Awkward much? he yelled out "I don't wanna die!!!" and there was a blinding flash of light.Flonne: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Why, God, WHY DID HE HAVE TO LIVE?!Dokuro: Pipirupirupirupipirupi![/i] When the light faded the demon had a gaping hole in his torso. The demon alternated his viewArmisael: Alternated his view? from the kid to the hole then he evaporated into a black mist. Behind the demon was a teenager with a smoking finger pointed at where the demon once stood.Dokuro: DESCRIBE SOMEONE DAMMITFlonne: We'll never know what the patricidal maniac, the "savior," or the scythe-wielder look like... "Hey, kid are you alright?" the teenager asked the kid.Armisael: *teenager* "Say, whose blood is that?" The kid responded by staring up at the teenager in shock, then fainting.Dokuro: *patricidal maniac* "WHAT HAVE I DONE" "I better get him out of here."Flonne: *teenager* "And into Death Row!" The teen spoke when he saw a glimmer of golden light from the boys chestDokuro: *teenager* "Huh. For once, I didn't kill the demon." "So he's one of the next angelsAll: HEY.Flonne: We refuse to identify with a patricidal maniac!Dokuro: At least I resurrect him afterward! glad I got here when I could."Armisael: When you could what? The teen picked up the unconcious kid and walked outside, Then,Dokuro: THAT'S A PERIOD DAMMIT *swings Excalibolg* out of his back emerged golden feathered wings and flew offArmisael: ERROR 400: CRITICAL SYNTAX ERROR into the rural area around Haosia.Flonne: Which, of course, will not be described in any way. As the teenager flew an extremely large tree began to emerge from the horizon.Armisael: It could have been evergreen, deciduous, or a juniper. The world may never know. It was the largest known tree in the whole planet of Ziamos.Flonne: Yggdrasil! "Home at last." The teen saidArmisael: ERROR 400 — CRITICAL SYNTAX ERROR as he flew up to one of the extremely high branchesDokuro: This... is... not... making... SENSE! *swings Excalibolg around madly* and landed, then he placed the kid adjacent to him.Flonne: Even when you make sense, your wording is so awkward! A few hours later the kid regained conciousness.Dokuro: That's four S's! "Where am I?" the kid asked before looking down, then screaming and grabbing on to the nearest branch "CalmArmisael: ERROR 400 — CRITICAL SYNTAX ERROR down, I just brought you here to keep you safe, by the way my name is Gray."Armisael: *Gray* "Oh, and I speak in a lot of run-on sentences, I deliver too much information with two few words." The kid then calmed down as he saw Gray sitting on the branchFlonne: I thought he fell off!Dokuro: Isn't he supposed to be dead by now? He fell off Yggdrasil, right?Armisael: These angels are using their powers for all the wrong things. "You mean like the universe?" the kid askedAll: ...what? "Yeah only with an "A" instead of an "E", but enough of me who are you?"Flonne: *teenager* "And when did you last visit Hinamizawa?"Armisael: Author? Periods do exist, you know. The kid looked as if he had no idea what Gray was talking about "I don't remember."Armisael: That sentence is far too long. Gray thought to himself about this for a minuteDokuro: Hey, that's way too long! Don't make us wait a whole minute! "I know you were just knocked out and all but maybe some sleep would help you remember."Flonne: *Gray* "Two years oughta do the trick." Gray lied downoDokuro: ...huh? How do you lie downo? the humongous branch as if he had lived there his whole life.Armisael: Probably because he had. The kid was reluctant at first about lying down but eventually he gave up, lied down,Flonne: He's a liar and a patricidal maniac! and fell asleep.Flonne: Two years later... xD Ohgawd. Sheer Genius. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nexev Posted December 11, 2009 Report Share Posted December 11, 2009 Wait... This is a self-insert fanfic? Wow.... just wow. I'm gonna love the next Mystery Science Ripoff, that's all I'm saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted December 12, 2009 Report Share Posted December 12, 2009 This is quite a polarizing fic, ne? Honestly, with a LOT of grammar improvement, the concept could very well save this. Ah, and figuring out why the kid got to kill his parents would also help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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