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the warth of the black suit

Kyubi20017

By Kyubi20017
in Creative Writing

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Kyubi20017 Newbie

Kyubi20017

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Posted

[spoiler=Season 1:]

 

[spoiler=episode one- arrive of black spiderman part one]

 

" It been a few years since, I became Spiderman. Walking alone on a Path down new york city. Due to the black suit i thought I gave up on the hero and become a normal person trying not to use my power. Taffic goes passed as i move though a few people to get to the newspaper place were I became a Manager working along side my girlfriend Mary Jane."

 

Tom " good afternoon peter, how is Mary jane.

peter parker " yes she fine"

 

" I carry on walking down a hallway were workers are asking me stuff of questions. I open the door to my office and on the table was My red suit unaware of our it got there. I try to put it back into the box but the suit kept jumping out which never happen before. I quick threw it in the cupboard were it lay quiet waiting for me to wear it once again then my door kick open as a rival newspaper company demand we close down.

 

captain Luke " Hey, close down or elsc."

peter " or what

Captain Luke " ha, burn this company down

Luke slammed his arm down breaking the table Then they leafed, everyone was hiding from them as they walked out. I looked at the red suit, thinking should I get payback by becoming the one thing I hate becoming evil always running from the police and from who ever be after me. the noise from the outside was becoming bad, the black suit I threw it under a building site was the thing i fought just as it nearly took over my mind. Peter parker put on the red suit as the workers shouted firer. Spiderman jumped webbing to the top of a tower building looking down at people lighting the place on firer, people running and shouting form the area.

 

Peter " I have no choice, i will end this." Spiderman jumped down quickly take down the Baddies. fighting of oncoming baddies as he try to save the place setting on firer. the fight raged on and after a while just before the cop arrive he missed he web killing one of the people, then just as the police arrived he quickly jumped roof to roof trying to get home with police in a hot chase with helicoppers firing as spiderman jumped around to the next tallest building.

 

peter parker " Dam, got to lose them

police speaker " give up you will never get away."

the cops were firing as police cars were following on foot, spiderman kept jumping though new york city trying to get home but, he fell down an hole as sandan last spiderman down and blsd him into the wall but, the black suit jumps back on to peter as sandman lauchers he final attack trying to kill spider.

peter parker " I won't let you take over."

to be continue!

 

 

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Kendo Fish Newbie

Kendo Fish

Posted
Posted

Before we go any further, I must tell you this. I will not go easy on you. If you decide to run away from the forum and never come back just because of this review, you’ll just be a coward. If you reply “**ck off”, then you’re probably not smart, especially if that’s your whole post. Saying “that’s not true” will have to come with an explanation. If anything is justified, I’ll forgive this story. But if it’s not, well, that seems kind of stupid.

 

Let’s commence with a HI-LARIOUS WEATHER REPORT.

[spoiler=Season 1:]

 

[spoiler=episode one- arrive of black spiderman part one]

I’m laughing already. I mean…the TITLE. Of both the chapter AND the story. WARTH!? HA!

"*random space*It *has* been a few years since *random comma* I became Spiderman. Walking alone on a oddly-capitalized Path down New York City I did nothing important' date=' or at least nothing specified[/color']. Due to the black suit What black suit? Is this just Spiderman 3 again, only worse? I thought I gave up on the hero And everyone instantly assumes Spiderman is “the hero”, even if they live in a place not in North America? You’re assuming WAAAAAY too much already. and become a normal person trying not to use my power of…uh? And yeah, you must everyone lives in Europe or America or something. I know other countries have certainly heard of Spiderman, but that’s like thinking everyone knows Doraemon. Of course they don’t. I guess you COULD say that it’s a Siderman fic so everyone reading it should know this, but at least put Spiderman in the title if that’s the case.. Taffic …wha? goes PAST as I move thRough a few people to get to the newspaper place wHere I became a oddly-capitalized Manager working alongODDSPACEside my girlfriend Mary Jane."

 

If you can’t catch the spelling mistakes from this point on, you obviously haven’t heard of Microsoft Word or Apple Pages.

 

Tom WHO THE HELL IS- " good afternoon peter, how is Mary jane. This is a great comedy, I tell ya what.

peter parker " yes she fine" Peter’s a GANG-STERRRR.

 

By the way, script format’s not allowed. And you must not know much about Spiderman because he works at the DAILY BUGLE, not the “newspaper place”. And you don’t even seem to know what it looks like! Phooey!

 

" I carry on walking down a hallway were workers are asking me stuff of questions. 2 mistakes. Find ‘em. I open the door to my office and on the table was My red suit unaware of our it got there. Your table became your red suit? Oh, it’s OUR table. Wait, what? I try to put it back into the box what box? but the suit kept jumping out which never happenED before. I quick threw Quick threw? WHAT the… it in the cupboard There’s a cupboard in his office? were it lay quiet waiting for me to wear it once again then my door kick open as a rival newspaper company demand we close down. Is this first-person or – no, it can’t even BE first-person. You say “he demand me do this” which, of course, doesn’t make sense. However, “he demands I do this” DOES mke sense. The sooner you figure that, character development, spelling, grammar and description out, the sooner this story will improve!

 

captain Luke Who’s that? Certainly not the rival you just mentioned, since you would have specified that if it was. So, he must be the aforementioned box." Hey, close down or elsc."

peter " or what You’ve got grammar issues.

Captain Luke " ha, burn this company down Why does this box lying in his office want his company (IT’S THE DAILY BUGLE FOR PETER PARKER’S SAKE)? And what’s his rival doing? Surely Captain Luke and his rival couldn’t be the same nondescript guy, COULD THEY!?

Luke slammed his arm down breaking the table *laughs* I’m sorry, but that’s just so ridiculous. I don’t care if Luke happens to be the Rhino or something (I don’t even know if Luke is a character in the series! DESCRIBE FOR PETER PARKER’S SAKE), it’s just so…unbelievable that it’s kind of funny. Also, MORE GRAMMAR ISSUE TISSUE. Then they leafed …WHAAAAAAAAAT!?!? You don’t leaf, you LEAVE!! And the past tense is LEFT. I’m tellin’ ya, you’ve got ISSUES…with GRAMMAR., everyone was hiding from them Who’s everyone, and were both the box AND his rival leaving? And if perhaps Luke and the box ARE the same guy (which I HIGHLY DOUBT), then why is it MORE than one person leaving if this is from Peter’s point of view? as they walked out. I looked at the red suit, thinking should I get payback by becoming the one thing I hate GRAMMAR ISSUE AHEAD becoming evil always running from the police and from who ever be after me. I be runnin’ from who-evuh be aftuh me! I’m tellin’ ya, Peter’s a GANG-STUHHHH. Not just a gangsterrrrr, but a gangstuhhhh. This is getting intense. Also, nothing makes sense here. This isn’t even a bad retelling of Spiderman 3. It’s something completely different and, perhaps, nonsensical. *shrug* the noise from the outside was becoming bad, the black suit started dancing in the heat. It caused my body to dance, too. I threw it under a building since when was the window open, or when was he outside, and even so how in the name of Neptune does he toss it so precisely under a building? How does it even get under a building which is on the ground? site Building site doesn’t make it make any more sense than it does… was the thing i fought …What? just as it nearly took over my mind. Totally lost. Peter parker put on the red suit …..WHAAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!? You just made it in Peter’s point of view, now you’re saying it’s third-person!? This story is just all over the place! as the workers shouted firer. Firer? The person who fires people? WHY!? Spiderman By putting on “a red suit” you automatically assume we all know he is now Spiderman. WOW. jumped webbing I’m not even- to the top of a tower building looking down at people lighting the place on firer, people running and shouting form the area. What just happened there? The whole area is made of people now? When was there a FIRER? I didn’t know people were so scared of today’s economic climate that firers would come up, get on a building, make people shout “FIRER!” and run away, and have to be taken out by superheroes. Once again…wow.

 

Peter " I have no choice, i will end this." Now’s the time to tell you that is NOT how you write/type quotes. Please, PLEASE go read a book and see what I’m talking about. Also, do you go out every day and say, to yourself, “im thirsty im going to mcdonalds OMNOMNOM”? If so, quite frankly, you’re odd. Spiderman jumped down quickly take down the Baddies. He jumpin’ down take down Baddies? YOU must be a gangstuh, too, if you be talk like this all time. fighting of oncoming baddies Fighting OF baddies? Ultimate showdown of ultimate baddies? That aren’t described at all? For all I know they could all be, uh, Frosty the Snowman, coming to fire everyone and climbing all over the building. But then they have to fight Slimer! OOH as he try to save the place setting on firer. Definitely gangstuh speak here. the fight raged on How did they fight? Slapfighting? If so, that’s hilarious. and after a while just before the cop arrive he missed he web Before the SINGLE COP IN TOWN arrive(s) Spiderman missed he web. O_O killing one of the people How does THAT kill them? It gets on their face and they suffocate? He has no comment? What kind of-, then just as the police arrived NOW there’s a bigger police force and NOW your grammar’s a bit better. The sentence is a HUGE run-on, though, so that case still stands. he quickly jumped (from) roof to roof trying to get home with police in a hot chase with helicoppers Ever heard a guy say heliCOPPERS? Helicopter cops? Do they live in the Pixar Cars universe? firing as spiderman jumped around to the next tallest building. Once again, what?

 

peter parker " Dam, got to lose them Beaver’s home, got to lose them NO PUNCTUATION OR QUOTATION MARKS

police speaker " give up you will never get away." MAKE QUOTES MORE RIGHT

the cops were firing as police cars were following on foot Is this the Flintstones? Where cars go on the driver’s feet? If so, that’s hilarious., spiderman kept jumping though new york city trying to get home but, he fell down an hole as sandan HUH!? Who’s Sandan? I know Sandman, but even if it is him (which it’s so obviously not) then how’d he get there? You’re assuming SO much. last spiderman He last Spiderman? He is the last Spiderman? When did that- down and blsd Is that a new drug or- him into the wall but, COMMAS DO NOT GO AFTER THE WORD BUT the black suit jumps back onONE WORDto peter HOW did it-WHEN did it-HOW is that even possible? as sandman lauchers he final attack trying to kill spider.

peter parker " I won't let you take over."

to be continue!

 

So, all in all...

 

- The story's too fast-paced. What's happening?

- Several grammatical and spelling mistakes.

- Unspecified characters and subjects.

- Weird ways of speaking.

- Changing tenses, and

- Description.

 

And if you feel I was too hard on you, be warned. If you don't fix your mistakes in any way (as in not even trying), you'll never have a good story in my book. So, yeah. That's just me, and my opinion.

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六兆年と一夜物語 Newbie

六兆年と一夜物語

Posted
Posted

Before we go any further' date=' I must tell you this. I will not go easy on you. If you decide to run away from the forum and never come back just because of this review, you’ll just be a coward. If you reply “**ck off”, then you’re probably not smart, especially if that’s your whole post. Saying “that’s not true” will have to come with an explanation. If anything is justified, I’ll forgive this story. But if it’s not, well, that seems kind of stupid.

 

Let’s commence with a HI-LARIOUS [b']WEATHER REPORT.[/b]

[spoiler=Season 1:]

 

[spoiler=episode one- arrive of black spiderman part one]

I’m laughing already. I mean…the TITLE. Of both the chapter AND the story. WARTH!? HA!

"*random space*It *has* been a few years since *random comma* I became Spiderman. Walking alone on a oddly-capitalized Path down New York City I did nothing important' date=' or at least nothing specified[/color']. Due to the black suit What black suit? Is this just Spiderman 3 again, only worse? I thought I gave up on the hero And everyone instantly assumes Spiderman is “the hero”, even if they live in a place not in North America? You’re assuming WAAAAAY too much already. and become a normal person trying not to use my power of…uh? And yeah, you must everyone lives in Europe or America or something. I know other countries have certainly heard of Spiderman, but that’s like thinking everyone knows Doraemon. Of course they don’t. I guess you COULD say that it’s a Siderman fic so everyone reading it should know this, but at least put Spiderman in the title if that’s the case.. Taffic …wha? goes PAST as I move thRough a few people to get to the newspaper place wHere I became a oddly-capitalized Manager working alongODDSPACEside my girlfriend Mary Jane."

 

If you can’t catch the spelling mistakes from this point on, you obviously haven’t heard of Microsoft Word or Apple Pages.

 

Tom WHO THE HELL IS- " good afternoon peter, how is Mary jane. This is a great comedy, I tell ya what.

peter parker " yes she fine" Peter’s a GANG-STERRRR.

 

By the way, script format’s not allowed. And you must not know much about Spiderman because he works at the DAILY BUGLE, not the “newspaper place”. And you don’t even seem to know what it looks like! Phooey!

 

" I carry on walking down a hallway were workers are asking me stuff of questions. 2 mistakes. Find ‘em. I open the door to my office and on the table was My red suit unaware of our it got there. Your table became your red suit? Oh, it’s OUR table. Wait, what? I try to put it back into the box what box? but the suit kept jumping out which never happenED before. I quick threw Quick threw? WHAT the… it in the cupboard There’s a cupboard in his office? were it lay quiet waiting for me to wear it once again then my door kick open as a rival newspaper company demand we close down. Is this first-person or – no, it can’t even BE first-person. You say “he demand me do this” which, of course, doesn’t make sense. However, “he demands I do this” DOES mke sense. The sooner you figure that, character development, spelling, grammar and description out, the sooner this story will improve!

 

captain Luke Who’s that? Certainly not the rival you just mentioned, since you would have specified that if it was. So, he must be the aforementioned box." Hey, close down or elsc."

peter " or what You’ve got grammar issues.

Captain Luke " ha, burn this company down Why does this box lying in his office want his company (IT’S THE DAILY BUGLE FOR PETER PARKER’S SAKE)? And what’s his rival doing? Surely Captain Luke and his rival couldn’t be the same nondescript guy, COULD THEY!?

Luke slammed his arm down breaking the table *laughs* I’m sorry, but that’s just so ridiculous. I don’t care if Luke happens to be the Rhino or something (I don’t even know if Luke is a character in the series! DESCRIBE FOR PETER PARKER’S SAKE), it’s just so…unbelievable that it’s kind of funny. Also, MORE GRAMMAR ISSUE TISSUE. Then they leafed …WHAAAAAAAAAT!?!? You don’t leaf, you LEAVE!! And the past tense is LEFT. I’m tellin’ ya, you’ve got ISSUES…with GRAMMAR., everyone was hiding from them Who’s everyone, and were both the box AND his rival leaving? And if perhaps Luke and the box ARE the same guy (which I HIGHLY DOUBT), then why is it MORE than one person leaving if this is from Peter’s point of view? as they walked out. I looked at the red suit, thinking should I get payback by becoming the one thing I hate GRAMMAR ISSUE AHEAD becoming evil always running from the police and from who ever be after me. I be runnin’ from who-evuh be aftuh me! I’m tellin’ ya, Peter’s a GANG-STUHHHH. Not just a gangsterrrrr, but a gangstuhhhh. This is getting intense. Also, nothing makes sense here. This isn’t even a bad retelling of Spiderman 3. It’s something completely different and, perhaps, nonsensical. *shrug* the noise from the outside was becoming bad, the black suit started dancing in the heat. It caused my body to dance, too. I threw it under a building since when was the window open, or when was he outside, and even so how in the name of Neptune does he toss it so precisely under a building? How does it even get under a building which is on the ground? site Building site doesn’t make it make any more sense than it does… was the thing i fought …What? just as it nearly took over my mind. Totally lost. Peter parker put on the red suit …..WHAAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!? You just made it in Peter’s point of view, now you’re saying it’s third-person!? This story is just all over the place! as the workers shouted firer. Firer? The person who fires people? WHY!? Spiderman By putting on “a red suit” you automatically assume we all know he is now Spiderman. WOW. jumped webbing I’m not even- to the top of a tower building looking down at people lighting the place on firer, people running and shouting form the area. What just happened there? The whole area is made of people now? When was there a FIRER? I didn’t know people were so scared of today’s economic climate that firers would come up, get on a building, make people shout “FIRER!” and run away, and have to be taken out by superheroes. Once again…wow.

 

Peter " I have no choice, i will end this." Now’s the time to tell you that is NOT how you write/type quotes. Please, PLEASE go read a book and see what I’m talking about. Also, do you go out every day and say, to yourself, “im thirsty im going to mcdonalds OMNOMNOM”? If so, quite frankly, you’re odd. Spiderman jumped down quickly take down the Baddies. He jumpin’ down take down Baddies? YOU must be a gangstuh, too, if you be talk like this all time. fighting of oncoming baddies Fighting OF baddies? Ultimate showdown of ultimate baddies? That aren’t described at all? For all I know they could all be, uh, Frosty the Snowman, coming to fire everyone and climbing all over the building. But then they have to fight Slimer! OOH as he try to save the place setting on firer. Definitely gangstuh speak here. the fight raged on How did they fight? Slapfighting? If so, that’s hilarious. and after a while just before the cop arrive he missed he web Before the SINGLE COP IN TOWN arrive(s) Spiderman missed he web. O_O killing one of the people How does THAT kill them? It gets on their face and they suffocate? He has no comment? What kind of-, then just as the police arrived NOW there’s a bigger police force and NOW your grammar’s a bit better. The sentence is a HUGE run-on, though, so that case still stands. he quickly jumped (from) roof to roof trying to get home with police in a hot chase with helicoppers Ever heard a guy say heliCOPPERS? Helicopter cops? Do they live in the Pixar Cars universe? firing as spiderman jumped around to the next tallest building. Once again, what?

 

peter parker " Dam, got to lose them Beaver’s home, got to lose them NO PUNCTUATION OR QUOTATION MARKS

police speaker " give up you will never get away." MAKE QUOTES MORE RIGHT

the cops were firing as police cars were following on foot Is this the Flintstones? Where cars go on the driver’s feet? If so, that’s hilarious., spiderman kept jumping though new york city trying to get home but, he fell down an hole as sandan HUH!? Who’s Sandan? I know Sandman, but even if it is him (which it’s so obviously not) then how’d he get there? You’re assuming SO much. last spiderman He last Spiderman? He is the last Spiderman? When did that- down and blsd Is that a new drug or- him into the wall but, COMMAS DO NOT GO AFTER THE WORD BUT the black suit jumps back onONE WORDto peter HOW did it-WHEN did it-HOW is that even possible? as sandman lauchers he final attack trying to kill spider.

peter parker " I won't let you take over."

to be continue!

 

So, all in all...

 

- The story's too fast-paced. What's happening?

- Several grammatical and spelling mistakes.

- Unspecified characters and subjects.

- Weird ways of speaking.

- Changing tenses, and

- Description.

 

And if you feel I was too hard on you, be warned. If you don't fix your mistakes in any way (as in not even trying), you'll never have a good story in my book. So, yeah. That's just me, and my opinion.

 

You sir just made my day, well erm...night.

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Guest Merciful Idiot

Guest Merciful Idiot

Posted
Posted

Before we go any further' date=' I must tell you this. I will not go easy on you. If you decide to run away from the forum and never come back just because of this review, you’ll just be a coward. If you reply “**ck off”, then you’re probably not smart, especially if that’s your whole post. Saying “that’s not true” will have to come with an explanation. If anything is justified, I’ll forgive this story. But if it’s not, well, that seems kind of stupid.

 

Let’s commence with a HI-LARIOUS [b']WEATHER REPORT.[/b]

[spoiler=Season 1:]

 

[spoiler=episode one- arrive of black spiderman part one]

I’m laughing already. I mean…the TITLE. Of both the chapter AND the story. WARTH!? HA!

"*random space*It *has* been a few years since *random comma* I became Spiderman. Walking alone on a oddly-capitalized Path down New York City I did nothing important' date=' or at least nothing specified[/color']. Due to the black suit What black suit? Is this just Spiderman 3 again, only worse? I thought I gave up on the hero And everyone instantly assumes Spiderman is “the hero”, even if they live in a place not in North America? You’re assuming WAAAAAY too much already. and become a normal person trying not to use my power of…uh? And yeah, you must everyone lives in Europe or America or something. I know other countries have certainly heard of Spiderman, but that’s like thinking everyone knows Doraemon. Of course they don’t. I guess you COULD say that it’s a Siderman fic so everyone reading it should know this, but at least put Spiderman in the title if that’s the case.. Taffic …wha? goes PAST as I move thRough a few people to get to the newspaper place wHere I became a oddly-capitalized Manager working alongODDSPACEside my girlfriend Mary Jane."

 

If you can’t catch the spelling mistakes from this point on, you obviously haven’t heard of Microsoft Word or Apple Pages.

 

Tom WHO THE HELL IS- " good afternoon peter, how is Mary jane. This is a great comedy, I tell ya what.

peter parker " yes she fine" Peter’s a GANG-STERRRR.

 

By the way, script format’s not allowed. And you must not know much about Spiderman because he works at the DAILY BUGLE, not the “newspaper place”. And you don’t even seem to know what it looks like! Phooey!

 

" I carry on walking down a hallway were workers are asking me stuff of questions. 2 mistakes. Find ‘em. I open the door to my office and on the table was My red suit unaware of our it got there. Your table became your red suit? Oh, it’s OUR table. Wait, what? I try to put it back into the box what box? but the suit kept jumping out which never happenED before. I quick threw Quick threw? WHAT the… it in the cupboard There’s a cupboard in his office? were it lay quiet waiting for me to wear it once again then my door kick open as a rival newspaper company demand we close down. Is this first-person or – no, it can’t even BE first-person. You say “he demand me do this” which, of course, doesn’t make sense. However, “he demands I do this” DOES mke sense. The sooner you figure that, character development, spelling, grammar and description out, the sooner this story will improve!

 

captain Luke Who’s that? Certainly not the rival you just mentioned, since you would have specified that if it was. So, he must be the aforementioned box." Hey, close down or elsc."

peter " or what You’ve got grammar issues.

Captain Luke " ha, burn this company down Why does this box lying in his office want his company (IT’S THE DAILY BUGLE FOR PETER PARKER’S SAKE)? And what’s his rival doing? Surely Captain Luke and his rival couldn’t be the same nondescript guy, COULD THEY!?

Luke slammed his arm down breaking the table *laughs* I’m sorry, but that’s just so ridiculous. I don’t care if Luke happens to be the Rhino or something (I don’t even know if Luke is a character in the series! DESCRIBE FOR PETER PARKER’S SAKE), it’s just so…unbelievable that it’s kind of funny. Also, MORE GRAMMAR ISSUE TISSUE. Then they leafed …WHAAAAAAAAAT!?!? You don’t leaf, you LEAVE!! And the past tense is LEFT. I’m tellin’ ya, you’ve got ISSUES…with GRAMMAR., everyone was hiding from them Who’s everyone, and were both the box AND his rival leaving? And if perhaps Luke and the box ARE the same guy (which I HIGHLY DOUBT), then why is it MORE than one person leaving if this is from Peter’s point of view? as they walked out. I looked at the red suit, thinking should I get payback by becoming the one thing I hate GRAMMAR ISSUE AHEAD becoming evil always running from the police and from who ever be after me. I be runnin’ from who-evuh be aftuh me! I’m tellin’ ya, Peter’s a GANG-STUHHHH. Not just a gangsterrrrr, but a gangstuhhhh. This is getting intense. Also, nothing makes sense here. This isn’t even a bad retelling of Spiderman 3. It’s something completely different and, perhaps, nonsensical. *shrug* the noise from the outside was becoming bad, the black suit started dancing in the heat. It caused my body to dance, too. I threw it under a building since when was the window open, or when was he outside, and even so how in the name of Neptune does he toss it so precisely under a building? How does it even get under a building which is on the ground? site Building site doesn’t make it make any more sense than it does… was the thing i fought …What? just as it nearly took over my mind. Totally lost. Peter parker put on the red suit …..WHAAAAAAAAT!?!?!?!? You just made it in Peter’s point of view, now you’re saying it’s third-person!? This story is just all over the place! as the workers shouted firer. Firer? The person who fires people? WHY!? Spiderman By putting on “a red suit” you automatically assume we all know he is now Spiderman. WOW. jumped webbing I’m not even- to the top of a tower building looking down at people lighting the place on firer, people running and shouting form the area. What just happened there? The whole area is made of people now? When was there a FIRER? I didn’t know people were so scared of today’s economic climate that firers would come up, get on a building, make people shout “FIRER!” and run away, and have to be taken out by superheroes. Once again…wow.

 

Peter " I have no choice, i will end this." Now’s the time to tell you that is NOT how you write/type quotes. Please, PLEASE go read a book and see what I’m talking about. Also, do you go out every day and say, to yourself, “im thirsty im going to mcdonalds OMNOMNOM”? If so, quite frankly, you’re odd. Spiderman jumped down quickly take down the Baddies. He jumpin’ down take down Baddies? YOU must be a gangstuh, too, if you be talk like this all time. fighting of oncoming baddies Fighting OF baddies? Ultimate showdown of ultimate baddies? That aren’t described at all? For all I know they could all be, uh, Frosty the Snowman, coming to fire everyone and climbing all over the building. But then they have to fight Slimer! OOH as he try to save the place setting on firer. Definitely gangstuh speak here. the fight raged on How did they fight? Slapfighting? If so, that’s hilarious. and after a while just before the cop arrive he missed he web Before the SINGLE COP IN TOWN arrive(s) Spiderman missed he web. O_O killing one of the people How does THAT kill them? It gets on their face and they suffocate? He has no comment? What kind of-, then just as the police arrived NOW there’s a bigger police force and NOW your grammar’s a bit better. The sentence is a HUGE run-on, though, so that case still stands. he quickly jumped (from) roof to roof trying to get home with police in a hot chase with helicoppers Ever heard a guy say heliCOPPERS? Helicopter cops? Do they live in the Pixar Cars universe? firing as spiderman jumped around to the next tallest building. Once again, what?

 

peter parker " Dam, got to lose them Beaver’s home, got to lose them NO PUNCTUATION OR QUOTATION MARKS

police speaker " give up you will never get away." MAKE QUOTES MORE RIGHT

the cops were firing as police cars were following on foot Is this the Flintstones? Where cars go on the driver’s feet? If so, that’s hilarious., spiderman kept jumping though new york city trying to get home but, he fell down an hole as sandan HUH!? Who’s Sandan? I know Sandman, but even if it is him (which it’s so obviously not) then how’d he get there? You’re assuming SO much. last spiderman He last Spiderman? He is the last Spiderman? When did that- down and blsd Is that a new drug or- him into the wall but, COMMAS DO NOT GO AFTER THE WORD BUT the black suit jumps back onONE WORDto peter HOW did it-WHEN did it-HOW is that even possible? as sandman lauchers he final attack trying to kill spider.

peter parker " I won't let you take over."

to be continue!

 

So, all in all...

 

- The story's too fast-paced. What's happening?

- Several grammatical and spelling mistakes.

- Unspecified characters and subjects.

- Weird ways of speaking.

- Changing tenses, and

- Description.

 

And if you feel I was too hard on you, be warned. If you don't fix your mistakes in any way (as in not even trying), you'll never have a good story in my book. So, yeah. That's just me, and my opinion.

 

I lol'ed so hard, I accidentally hit my head against the wall THRICE laughing. And my stomach now hurts from too much laughing.

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