Corruption: An Original Story - [PG-13] - [Chapter 1 -The Nonagonal War] Posted!

[Skippy Canoe]

Welcome to the corrupted fantasy world of Llagra. Learn the experience of nine rival Gods and Goddesses following the death of the world ruler.

 

[spoiler=[b]Corruption[/b]]

 

[spoiler=[b]Prologue[/b]]

 

In a distant world, an Earth parallel to ours resides. Unlike us, it didn’t divide itself into countries. This was true until The Authority died.

 

Most Authority Gods and Goddesses live for hundreds, maybe thousands of years upon being granted this position. This ruler was elected at a much older age, and had reached the end of his years.

 

Once this death occurred, havoc struck Llagra, the name in which the Authority had given it. When a new ruler is elected, the grand nation’s name is changed. Unruled, nameless, and horrorstruck, this world had many problems to work through.

 

This widespread panic caused Llagra to divide under the rules of different Gods and Goddesses. Nine Gods and Goddesses partially ruled over Llagra, but were more admired than having any responsibility. This was to change drastically.

 

Now, Llagra was no longer Llagra. It was divided into nine separate countries of the Subauthority Gods and Goddesses. Each ruled over an element, so Archers, Diviners, and Wisemen alike of an element would be forced to migrate to an area that their God or Goddess was ruling.

 

This seemed like a good idea for the moment, until conflict arose. Struggle for more land became more common, and soon, everyone had a rival. A nation of peace had turned into a minefield of deadly warfare.

 

…

 

Aiole, the Goddess of Ice, spawned a shard of ice. She then held it in air, and drew back as if firing from a bow. The ice spread and reformed into a sleek bow, and an icy arrow formed. The bowstring was made of frozen twine. Brushing her blonde hair behind her ears, Aiole then released and fired. The arrow shot with a loud whiz and pierced halfway through a large, frozen pillar.

 

Aiole’s Arctic Province was the least involved in warfare at the moment, but Aiole was constantly practicing archery at her large firing range. Suddenly, the Aurora flared higher than normal as a fleet of bright-looking women and men, that appeared to be comets, sped towards her at full speed with menacing looks on their faces. The warriors of Achnid’s Aurora were going to strike.

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=[b]Chapter 1 - The Nonagonal War[/b]]

 

Aiole spawned a large bugle-shaped chunk of frozen crystal and brought it to her lips. She blew into it, sounding a loud droning noise. As soon as she did this, warriors of all types could be seen rushing to the archery range.

 

Achnid was now in clear view. At once, light warriors were fighting against ice warriors. No one cared to attack Aiole for some strange reason, for she was the Goddess of Ice.

 

This reason was now clear, for Achnid suddenly appeared with a flash of blinding light and began attacking her ruthlessly. Aiole returned the pain strongly by spawning a long, sharp spear of ice from her bare left hand. Gods and Goddesses were unharmed by their own element, which for Aiole, included ice and cold.

 

Achnid’s bald head was shining with sweat as he began battling alone with Aiole. She was always one step ahead of him. Whenever a warrior would try to assist him, Achnid slugged them. He was too proud and egoistic to let someone in on his battle.

 

By now, all fighting besides between the two Subauthorities had ceased. Everyone observed with anxiety the brawl that was taking place on an icy archery platform.

 

Achnid finally managed to shatter Aiole’s spear, but Aiole was alert, and froze her whole fists with ice. This was the end of the battle for Achnid. Aiole, throwing punches relentlessly, was invincible by now. She was known as the strongest Goddess as well as the most peaceful. Peace was no longer an option.

 

Achnid, after many gashes and bruises on his face, gave up and gathered his army to retreat. Aiole let him leave in shame quickly.

 

“My Authority, why have you let him retreat?” asked a young warrior, concerned.

 

“This is their war, not ours,” Aiole replied, almost in a grim tone.

 

…

 

Alliances, surprisingly, had not been made. It was a war of nine sides. Llagra was split, and sometime, one nation was going to try and take advantage of this.

Halo, the angelic Wind God, admired Aiole, and despised her at the same time. He managed to stand his ground, but prefered peace to war, similar to her. Halo’s Heavens was worstly rivaled with Dettlia’s Delta. Achnid had tried to take land from Halo, but was far too weak.

 

Nervously pulling at his short brown hair, Halo debated on how he should handle this war. This war could only end one way - in ruin. Someone had to step up as The Authority soon. Halo thought Aiole was most fit for this, but he was also attracted to her, which made for a biased opinion.

 

…

 

Aiole returned to her archery training, spawning from frosted water a sleek longbow. Just before she released, Dettlia appeared before her with a small spatter of water with her hands raised. Aiole quickly dropped the longbow, which molded itself into the icy ground.

 

“Aiole, I need to speak with you. It is urgent,” spoke Dettlia softly, in a voice comparable to summer rain, Aiole thought to herself, nodding.

 

“The Authority’s death was not natural, dear. He was poisoned… by Polymic,” Dettlia said grimly.

 

“I knew Polymic secretly despised The Authority, but this… this. What are we to do?”

 

“I suggest forming a large alliance, and partly going through with this war. That way, one of us can step up as the newest Authority.”

 

“We have to solve this peacefully.”

 

“Peace is no longer an option, Aiole.”

 

“Violence is never the answer.”

 

“True, but we have no other choices. It isn’t as if we have anyone to decide this.”

 

“Then we cannot make any decisions until we find out a better one than violence. I have pledged my heart to The Authority and that I won’t ever use violence to gain power, and I cannot let him down, so help me God his Specter returns to haunt us all.”

 

“Aiole, I’m sorry you feel that way. Join our alliance or let your kingdom be crushed by our wrath. We must stop this division of land. It only ends in war.”

 

“And war will solve it?”

 

“In this case-“

 

“Only more war will come from this. I suggest we have a fair election.”

 

“Achnid, Luhsinda, Polymic, and Evangeline are far too stubborn to agree with that, and you know it.”

 

“I don’t see how we can reunite, even using violence, with all that has occurred.”

 

As Aiole finished this sentence, a whoosh of air could be heard for miles. Both Goddesses looked up, and saw a brown-ish cloud descending. Controlling the dusty cloud was the menacing Polymic.

 

Aiole spawned a large maul faster than she had ever before. Dettlia armed herself with a shield of white-water. Luckily, water and ice worked well together against sand. Before Polymic had even made his arrogant grand entrance, Dettlia shot two jets of water from the ground at him.

 

Polymic fell immediately as his cloud became heavy with saturation. While he was still in a confused state, Aiole dropped her maul, and with a swift hand motion, influenced the ice beneath polymic to split apart. Polmic fell into the subzero water below and shot out after a few seconds with a deadly rage.

 

Dettlia and Aiole worked together, and began shooting freezing balls of slush towards him. In a matter of seconds, before he even had a chance to retaliate, he was frozen solid. Aiole sighed in disappointment.

 

The ice then turned brown and exploded from Polymic. Though he had escaped from the ice, he retreated shamefully anyway. Dettlia looked at Aiole as if saying “I told you so!”

 

“Aiole, you know you are fit to-“ started Dettlia.

 

“No, I am not. Halo should receive this position. He is truly wise,” interrupted Aiole.

 

“Halo believes you should be the next Authority.”

 

“He is too modest to nominate himself.”

 

“Well, I suppose I can’t change your mind, but we need to form an alliance. Halo and Magmi have already joined. Why can’t you?”

 

“I can’t handle violence. I only use violence for self defense.”

 

“Which you just did.”

 

“No, he did not attempt to harm me. My soul shall carry this burden for as long as I live.”

 

“Fine then,” Dettlia said and disappeared. Little did Aiole know that Luhsinda, Polymic, Evangeline, and Achnid had also formed an alliance in response, and she was most in danger,

 

 

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=[b]Government of Llagra[/b]]

 

This list contains much information about the Subauthorities. It includes their element, their location, their location name, and their archrival.

 

[align=center]The Authority

Rules all of Llagra with the power of power. Resides in his Grand Fortress. In charge of what we know as Earth.

 

Polymic

This God rules Polymic's Pyramids with the power of sand. In charge of what we know as Africa.

Rival: The Authority

 

Dettlia

This Goddess rules Dettlia's Delta with the power of water. In charge of what we know as Australia.

Rival: Halo

 

Evangeline

This Goddess rules Evangeline's Emerald Hills with the power of foliage. In charge of what we know as North America.

Rival: Magmi

 

Luhsinda

This Goddess rules Luhsinda's Dark Boundaries with the power of darkness. In charge of what we know as the Middle East.

Rival: Pettigrew

 

Achnid

This God rules Achnid's Aurora with the power of light. In charge of what we know as the Northern Lights.

Rival: Aiole

 

Pettigrew

This God rules Pettigrew's Parthenon with the power of gemstone. In charge of what we know as Europe.

Rival: Luhsinda

 

Magmi

This Goddess rules Magmi's Mountains with the power of fire. In charge of what we know as Oceana.

Rival: Evangeline

 

Halo

This God rules Halo's Heavens with the power of the winds. In charge of what we know as the sky.

Rival: Dettlia

 

Aiole

This Goddess rules Aiole's Arctic Province with the power of ice. In charge of what we know as the Arctic Circle.

Rival: Achnid

[/align]

 

 

[bury the year]

*clears throat*

 

STICK TO ONE FIC AT A TIME, PLZ. Whenever you keep switching over, I notice you never advance far enough to make any of them, well, interesting. Also, the chapters are too short to slake my thirst for good writing. Make 'em longer, plz.

[Skippy Canoe]

Crap, I was going to reserve that post. (Voice in head: Who cares? Déjà Cru posted!)

 

Well, I have three. I like Vibe, but I may give up Solar Storm. Vibe is soon to finish, so soon I'll be left with 1 or 2 Fan Fics. I plan on finishing this, Vibe, and maybe Solar Storm.

 

I did notice how horribly short the prologue is, and other chapters in my fics. I don't want to change the lengths of the others, but this is going to have much longer chapters.

 

Wait, did you just say I have good writing?! *waits for heartbreaking reply*

[rustyowl]

[spoiler=Review]

In a distant world, an Earth parallel to ours resides. Unlike us, it didn’t divide itself into countries. This was true until The Authority died. (The last 2 sentences of this paragraph read funny)

 

Most Authority Gods and Goddesses live for hundreds, maybe thousands of years upon being granted this position. This ruler was elected at a much older age, and had reached the end of his years. (Once again reads funny. I had to look over it twice to understand it fully)

 

Once this death occurred, havoc struck Llagra, the name in which the Authority had given it. When a new ruler is elected, the grand nation’s name is changed. Unruled, nameless, and horrorstruck, this world had many problems to work through. (Conflict is sets up well, espically if this direct storytelling is what you were shooting for)

 

This widespread panic caused Llagra to divide under the rules of different Gods and Goddesses. Nine Gods and Goddesses partially ruled over Llagra, but were more admired than having any responsibility. This was to change drastically. (First sentence good, the conflict fo the story is set up even better. Perhaps you could take the word "different" that describes the Gods and Goddesses and replace it with the "nine" from the next sentence. Then in the next sentence, just talk about how they were more admired then having any responsibility)

 

 

Now, Llagra was no longer Llagra. It was divided into nine separate countries of the Subauthority Gods and Goddesses. Each ruled over an element, so Archers, Diviners, and Wisemen alike of an element would be forced to migrate to an area that their God or Goddess was ruling. (Fine)

 

This seemed like a good idea for the moment, until conflict arose. Struggle for more land became more common, and soon, everyone had a rival. A nation of peace had turned into a minefield of deadly warfare. (Fine)

 

 

…

 

Aiole, the Goddess of Ice, spawned a shard of ice. She then held it in air, and drew back as if firing from a bow. The ice spread and reformed into a sleek bow, and an icy arrow formed. The bowstring was made of frozen twine. Brushing her blonde hair behind her ears, Aiole then released and fired. The arrow shot with a loud whiz and pierced halfway through a large, frozen pillar. (In the first sentence, change the word "ice" in the phrase "shard of ice" with a synonym for "ice". Otherwise, I like how you describe the Goddess by having her "brushing her blonde hair behind her ears" rather then just telling me she had blond hair.)

 

Aiole’s Arctic Province was the least involved in warfare at the moment, but Aiole was constantly practicing archery at her large firing range. Suddenly, the Aurora flared higher than normal as a fleet of bright-looking women and men, that appeared to be comets, sped towards her at full speed with menacing looks on their faces. The warriors of Achnid’s Aurora were going to strike. (I suppose we will learn more about this sudden conflict in the next chapter. This last paragraph seems rushed)

 

 

 

That was my critique, and it is yours to follow it or not. I am not a professional writer, so I wouldn't take most of it to heart. You have great potential on your hands, so I suggest not taking this story down a cliche road. Perhaps a longer chapter next time, but otherwise, I give this prolouge a thumbs up.

 

I'll be checking back for more. Good luck.

[Skippy Canoe]

Wow, I always hope for a Weather Report. Thanks for the review, I thought I set up the conflict nicely too. ^_^

 

Couldn't think of a synonym for ice, but I did think of changing it. Frozen water?

 

And...

 

I did notice how horribly short the prologue is' date=' and other chapters in my fics. I don't want to change the lengths of the others, but this is going to have much longer chapters.

[/quote']

[rustyowl]

^ That's no excuse.

 

Just kidding.

 

Perhaps frozen crystal? Frost shard?

[Skippy Canoe]

Hmm... I see. ^_^

 

I'll take that into mind, since she's one of the main Goddesses and will be mentioned a lot with ice. AHEM frozen crystal shards.

[rustyowl]

^ It'll need work, but you'll think of something I'm sure.

 

The list of gods and goddesses seem interesting. It'll be a good place to check if I begin getting confused with all the weird names.

[Skippy Canoe]

Lol thanks. Noticed I crossed out the Authority since he's dead. ^_^

 

Also notice that I put where their area is in our world, since their world is a duplicate of ours in a different universe.

 

EDIT:

 

Chapter 1 posted.