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I decided to Abridge Romeo and Juliet

Aesirson

By Aesirson
in Creative Writing

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Aesirson

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So once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away, there was a city called Verona. In this city there was two families, the Capulets and the Montagues, who were best friends untill Count Montague gave Lady Capulet syfilis, then they was not friend anymore, they were mortal enemies! Anyway, there was a party some time later and the one who threw this party was dumb enough to invite both the Capulets and the Montagues, and of course they got into a fight! There was Juliet Capulet, Romeo Montague, A friend of Romeo that no one cares about and Tybalt Capulet.

"Hello, sweety!" Romeo said to Julit.

"Who the hell are you?" Juliet said and looked scared.

"My name is Romeo Montague." Romeo started and Tybalt entered the scene.

"Oh no! It's one of the not 1337 Montagues! Kill it!" Tybalt pulled out a remote controller and puhed a button. "Fire the Death Star!"

In space, a gigantic ball that is absolutely not a star, but a machine that can destroy entire planets! The Death Star fired it's lazor and hitted Romeo's random friend.

"Oh no!" Romeo said and looked at his now roasted friend. "You killed my gay lover!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, he didn't have a taco, so he couldn't resist the Shoop Da Whoop." Tybalt said and smiled.

"He will never come back you bastard!" Romeo said and pulled out his sword.

"Wait, why did you carry a sword to a party?" Tybalt asked.

"Why did you carry a remote to the most dangerous machine in existance to a party?" Romeo asked.

"Touché..." Tybalt said and looked at the sword. "But you can't just kill me! This is blasphemy! This is madness!"

"Madness? THIS... IS...TETRIS!!!" Romeo shouted and stabbed Tybalt in the stomach. Tybalt was dead.

"So, now let's ignore the two corpses and fall in love with eachothers, I'm bisexual so it won't be a problem!" Romeo told Juliet and smiled.

"Seriously? You killed my cousin, do you think I will fall in love with you?" Juliet said and looked at Tybalt's corpse.

"Yep!" Romeo smiled.

"Okay, let's make out!" Juliet jumped on Romeo, and then when they was about to get it on their parents appeared.

"Wait you sick fucks! You're to young for that thing!" Lord Capulet said and grabbed Juliet's ear, dragging her away from Romeo.

"No, wait don't go... Whatever your name is!" Romeo shouted to Juliet.

"My name is Juliet!" Juliet shouted back and waved her hand at Romeo. Romeo waved back.

 

Later that day...

 

Romeo appears at Juliet's balcony and starts to sing Take On Me. Juliet appears out on the balcony and looks angry.

"For christ's sake, Romeo!" She said. "I'm watching Pay-Per-View Porn in here, you do realize I lose a lot of money if I talk to you while the TV is on!?"

"Ooh!" Romeo said. "Can I join in?"

"Of course you can! Come to me!" Juliet said as Romeo started climbing the wines up to the window. When he reached Juliest they kissed, but soon Juliet heard her father comming to her room so she tackled Romeo so that he fell down and hurted his knee.

"Ffffh-aaah! Ffffh-aaah! Ffffh-aaah!" He said while holding his knee.

"What was all the noises?" Count Capulet asked, then he saw the Pay-Per-View Pornos on the TV. "Oh, you're just watching the Pay-Per-View Porn Channel, okay then, good night sweety!" He left the room and Juliet went to sleep. The next day Montagues and Capulets had a fight and a lot of the people that was involved got killed. Later, Juliet's father entered Juliet's room.

"Hi sweety!" He said and smiled.

"Hi daddy!"

"I got a surprise for you!" Her daddy said and smiled even wider. "I've sold you to Paris Hilton!"

"What!?" Juliet was really surprised and angry. "How could you? She is a really bad actor and even George Bush has bigger boobs then her! If I will be sold to someone it should be someone with boobies!"

"Calm down now sweety!" Her dad said. "Paris' dog commited suicide so she needed a new pet, and she liked how you look like a cute little puppy."

Juliet was very angry because of this, so she decided to go see someone that could help her look dead, and then maybe she and Romeo could ran away and get a lot of kids and live at a farm with cow and pigs. She went to an old woman who lived in town.

"What do you want, sweety?" The woman asked.

"I want something that makes me look dead so that my family will burry me and then Romeo can go get me and we will run away togetehr and get kids and live at a farm with cow and pigs!" Juliet said.

"Oh.. I have the perfect thing for you..." The woman said and pulled out a bottle with yellow liquids in it. "I give you... pure alcohol!"

"Great!" Juliet said and took the alcohol and drinked it up instantly. Later she went unconscious because she was to drunk. When a random Capulet found her and thought that she was dead. They burried her and later when Romeo found out of this he went to her tomb. When he saw her lifeless body he pulled out a rusty dagger.

"I will finally become an hero, just like my mother always wanted!" He then stabbed his own gut with it and died.

At the same time, Juliet woke up and had the worst hangover ever. When she saw Romeo's dead body she went totally D:

"What the hell happend here?" She asked and saw the dagger and picked it up. "Look I can juggle with this... OUCH!"

When she tried to juggle with the knife she dropped it in her eye and died.

Later the Capulets found both the dead bodies, and because they didn't have anythuing better to do they became friends with the Montagues again.

 

Two years later...

 

"Iiiih...!" A random Capulet woman yelled. "I have AIDS!"

Another Capulet heard her screams and instantly said:

"It's the Montague's fault! Let's kill them!"

 

The End

 

Starring:

 

Britney Spears as Juliet

Daniel Radcliff as Tybalt

Peter Griffin as Romeo

Mickey Mouse as Romeo's gay lover

John Travolta as Old Woman with Alcohol

Charlie Sheen as Count Capulet

Pamela Anderson as Juliet's tits

Jessica Alba as Capulet with AIDS

Homer Simpsons as Random Capulet at the end

 

Written and directed by Kuroda Naoki

 

And special thanks to you for reading.

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