daniel213 Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 [spoiler=chapter 1]chapter 1 enter the reality ahhh yes the reality world some people loves the life sometimes could be worderfull, nice, peacefull or hate. well theres a story it happen 18 years ago. a boy named daniel was in a truck his dad was driving until he had an accident daniel was uncossios but his father was dead, but a mysterious man took daniel. daniel was missing sense it was 2 years who coudnt find daniel. later daniel escaped in the cave, the mystrious man didnt care about it but he had a gift he gave of a curse of a magic card yami. daniel was lost and suddenly a helecopter rescued daniel now by pass by years now 19 years later he was now he is 20 years old. daniel staired out side in the window thinking about the past. it was chrismas eve the light went on all night but suddenly some one bang on the door. daniel walked slowly he grab the knob and open the door it was cold and frezzing. "happy birthday!" said all of his freinds "wow i dont what to say." said daniel "were your freind we never forget your birthday." said genesis daniel staired at genesis eyes. it like he was fall in love with genesis "well let eat i brought your presents." said eric "ohh and we brought a cake too." said warren "ok then come in my room so we can celebrate." said daniel so they did. there freind came over there name were genesis, eric, gary, warren, jose, josh, and miguel. after the party eric, warren and gary left they have to before there mother gets mad there are brothers and worried. josh, jose and miguel had to leave they had to go to school in college they have the same classes. daniel open one of the presents first he open eric present it was a tin inside it had dark magican and 20 buck. nest it was gary daniel open the present and it was crismon crisis special edtion and 20 buck. next it was warren inside it was a duel disk and a note(your one of us now.) and another 20 bucks "what the heck how come i got another 20 bucks." daniel open jose peresent it was one duelst pack yugi one premium pack and another 20 bucks. "ok the thats 80 dollars." next it was josh inside it had one booster pack magicians force one crossroad of chaos and 20 bucks. and miguel present it had a deckbox a sleeve and 20 bucks "well thats all of it." "well you forgot about me." respoded genesis "ohh yeah i almost forgot and i got 120 dollars, i dont know why they gave me 20 bucks." "well i dont know, ohh and heres your present." said genesis daniel open genesis present "im sorry i cant take this present i just i dont like it." said daniel "why because you dont like the image or the cards." said genesis "im not person who walks in the light thats all." genesis took her bags and her present "wait genesis." said daniel "what." said genesis "keep it you can have it." "i cant i cant duel." said genesis "yes you can and i know you will." said daniel "ok then i try." "ok then im going to the store i see you later." said daniel genesis left he had to say goodbye, daniel left and lock the door and went to buy a deck. daniel bought an new deck it was spellcaster command and a spellcaster jugment and he was in his room alone. meanwhile genesis was at home she staired at the present "why didnt you like my present." genesis staired at the image of honest "why" genesis left the present on the table. it was the 24-packbox of light of destruction Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Say what? 'okay let eat'. This is stupid. Firstly, it's a story about blobs and a white void. You have the batmobile in it, only you called it 'cave'. They just drone on about stuff, emotionlessly. They don't capitalize. They make spelling errors. They don't punctuate. They are blobs. In a white void. Improve, please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatPhantomGuy Posted October 27, 2009 Report Share Posted October 27, 2009 Here's what I have to say: 1. GRAMMAR. You need it. 'there freind came over there name were genesis, eric, gary, warren, jose, josh, and miguel.' You should know what's wrong with this... I mean all this. Here: Their friends came over to where ____ was at. Then you can introduce them later. 2. CAPITALIZATION. upper case the beginning word of a sentence, a name of a person or place. otherwise it looks sloppy... like this. 3. NUMBERS. Use one instead of 1, that way it flows with the writing (If there was any). 4. PUNCTUATION. End with periods or excamation points or question marks otherwise you can't tell when a sentence ends and with no capitalization it makes for a disaster 5. THIS. "why didnt you like my present." Is funny. With all due respect,ThePhantomDuelist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanAtlus Posted October 27, 2009 Report Share Posted October 27, 2009 Do you know what the shift key is? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted November 1, 2009 Report Share Posted November 1, 2009 To be honest, this reminded me of a bad peice of roleplaying someone did once. Again, just.. Make it flow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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