FrogNinga Posted October 19, 2009 Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 welcome to my first fan-fic i hope you like it im sorry i could not finish the first chapter yet i will be sure to post it and 4 more chapters by the weekend i just had homework to do[spoiler=chapter 1: The Duel]"welcome back to the world championships. Now for the final match of Harrison Caecilian verses Jessica Bridle and please remember these participants will be using one of our decks from the tradition." said the Judge over the microphone. "Im not going easy on you Jess" Shouted Harrison"Well neither am I" Shouted Jessica."The player's will now chose there selected decks" Said the Judge while a man walked up to them holding 5 decks."I'll chose the blackwing deck" Said Harrison taking the middle deck."Then I will chose the Warrior deck" Said Jessica"Duel" They both shouted. "I'll go first draw" Harrison Said the crowd cheared as he drew a card."I summon Blackwing Blizzard of the far north" As he said it a Glowing, white bird with big black eyes appeared on the field."Next I use the effect of Blackwing Bora the Spear to special summon him if I have another Blackwing monster on the field other than himself." Then another Bird but this time it was Blue, with Yellow and Red head-feathers. It was holding a huge Black spear with his hands. "What the, wait a minuet I know what your going to do..." Whispered Jessica. "Yes I am go I tune Blackwing Blizzard to Blackwing Bora to Synchro Summon the all-powerfull Blackwing Armed Wing" Shouted Harrison. Then Blackwing Blizzard of the far north glowed and turned into two Green rings which covered Blackwing Bora the Spear then there was a flash of green light then a Big Black Bird appeared with Red head-feathers holding a gun with a harpoon in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mysty Posted October 19, 2009 Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 They aren't starting off with their real decks? Also, there's no storyline telling the readers how they got to that duel, who these people are, or any of that. I would do a weather report, but I have to ask him first, which I did not do yet. Also, the punctuation is bad.Don't be discouraged though. I'm sure the storyline will be great past this part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted October 19, 2009 Report Share Posted October 19, 2009 You may do a Weather Report. BUT JUST THIS ONCE!!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mysty Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 All right. I hope I do it right. [spoiler=chapter 1: The Duel]"Welcome back to the world championships. Now for the final match of Harrison Caecilian versus Jessica Bridle and please remember these participants will be using one of our decks from the tradition' date='[/color']" said the Judge over the microphone.Wow, that was a run-on sentence. I suggest breaking that up some, like "Now for the final match of Harrison Caecilian versus Jessica. Please remember these participants will be using one of our decks from the tradition,""I'm not going easy on you Jess!" shouted Harrison."Well neither am I!" shouted Jessica.What do these people look like? Are they just blobs?"The player's will now choose their selected decks," said the Judge while a man walked up to them holding 5 decks."I'll choose the Blackwing deck," said Harrison, taking the middle deck."Then I will choose the Warrior deck," said Jessica.Wait, why did you say Harrison picked up the middle deck when you didn't say which deck Jessica picked up? Also, how did Harrison know the middle deck was the Blackwing deck?"Duel!" they both shouted. "I'll go first. Draw!" Harrison said. The crowd cheered as he drew a card."I summon Blackwing - Blizzard the color=red]Far North." As he said it a glowing, white bird with big black eyes appeared on the field."Next I use the effect of Blackwing - Bora the Spear to special summon him if I have another Blackwing monster on the field other than himself." Then another bird appearedbut this time it was Blue, with Yellow and Red head-feathers. It was holding a huge Black spear with his hands. "What the, wait a minute I know what your going to do...," whispered Jessica. "Yes I am go I tune Blackwing Blizzard to Blackwing Bora to Synchro Summon the all-powerfull Blackwing Armed Wing" Shouted Harrison.Okay I don't even know what he's trying to say. I know it has something to do with a Synchro Summon, but all the words before it leave for various phrasing options.Then Blackwing Blizzard of the far north glowed and turned into two Green rings which covered Blackwing Bora the Spear then there was a flash of green light then a Big Black Bird appeared with Red head-feathers holding a gun with a harpoon in it. There are many other random capitalization issues, but I'm sure they might be obvious judging by what I lowercased before. Just fix those grammatical errors and explain what the characters look like and you're doing fine.If I did the Weather Report wrong, please be sure to do one of your own Weather Report. After all, I'm not a pro at doing them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skippy Canoe Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 All right. I hope I do it right. [spoiler=chapter 1: The Duel]"Welcome back to the world championships. Now for the final match of Harrison Caecilian versus Jessica Bridle and please remember these participants will be using one of our decks from the tradition' date='[/color']" said the Judge over the microphone.Wow, that was a run-on sentence. I suggest breaking that up some, like "Now for the final match of Harrison Caecilian versus Jessica. Please remember these participants will be using one of our decks from the tradition,""I'm not going easy on you Jess!" shouted Harrison."Well neither am I!" shouted Jessica.What do these people look like? Are they just blobs?"The player's will now choose their selected decks," said the Judge while a man walked up to them holding 5 decks."I'll choose the Blackwing deck," said Harrison, taking the middle deck."Then I will choose the Warrior deck," said Jessica.Wait, why did you say Harrison picked up the middle deck when you didn't say which deck Jessica picked up? Also, how did Harrison know the middle deck was the Blackwing deck?"Duel!" they both shouted. "I'll go first. Draw!" Harrison said. The crowd cheered as he drew a card."I summon Blackwing - Blizzard the color=red]Far North." As he said it a glowing, white bird with big black eyes appeared on the field."Next I use the effect of Blackwing - Bora the Spear to special summon him if I have another Blackwing monster on the field other than himself." Then another bird appearedbut this time it was Blue, with Yellow and Red head-feathers. It was holding a huge Black spear with his hands. "What the, wait a minute I know what your going to do...," whispered Jessica. "Yes I am go I tune Blackwing Blizzard to Blackwing Bora to Synchro Summon the all-powerfull Blackwing Armed Wing" Shouted Harrison.Okay I don't even know what he's trying to say. I know it has something to do with a Synchro Summon, but all the words before it leave for various phrasing options.Then Blackwing Blizzard of the far north glowed and turned into two Green rings which covered Blackwing Bora the Spear then there was a flash of green light then a Big Black Bird appeared with Red head-feathers holding a gun with a harpoon in it. There are many other random capitalization issues, but I'm sure they might be obvious judging by what I lowercased before. Just fix those grammatical errors and explain what the characters look like and you're doing fine.If I did the Weather Report wrong, please be sure to do one of your own Weather Report. After all, I'm not a pro at doing them. ^^This. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrogNinga Posted October 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 im sorry im new to this stuff plus i was hoping to introduce what the characters looked like later on i think its bad because i was a bit drowsy writing it im going to redo the chapter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skippy Canoe Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 im sorry im new to this stuff plus i was hoping to introduce what the characters looked like later on i think its bad because i was a bit drowsy writing it im going to redo the chapter I can tell I won't read it again by the bad grammar and writing conventions in this post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrogNinga Posted October 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Well thanks for being positive Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Croc777 Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Looks ok so far. Just do what the weather manny said. Should be good............:) :) :) :) :) Yeah just do what the little weather man says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Which one?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mysty Posted October 25, 2009 Report Share Posted October 25, 2009 Which one?! I think Croc777 was referring to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted October 25, 2009 Report Share Posted October 25, 2009 ^Probably. Again, what everyone else said. I only read up to 'well neither am i' before deciding "Let's just see the posts instead." Capitalization, Puncuation, and not to mention the structures all wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanAtlus Posted October 25, 2009 Report Share Posted October 25, 2009 You expect us to be looking forward to the book by posting a fraction of the first chapter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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