AlucardTheOld Posted October 9, 2009 Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 [spoiler=Chapter 1]The Fateful Day "funk!", Screamed the thug leader. "No! Don't hurt me!", pleaded one of the men. "Maybe next time you will think twice before you attack an innocent girl", I screamed as I chased off the thug and his gang. "I'm sorry, is there anything else I can do for you?" I said to the spirit of the young girl. She shook her head and started to cry. "I can't bring you back but I can get revenge on them for killing you in the gang war", I said sympathetically. "Its O.K. I'm just said that I will never can tell m parents that I love them", she whimpered as she started to bawl. That day my life would change forever. When I got home I went straight to my room. "Helping spirits R.I.P. really takes a lot out of me", I exhaled exhaustedly. As I lie on my bed thinking I felt a cold shiver down my spine. I had been used to this sensation and didn't bother to look up. "What do you want", I asked emotionlessly. "I have come for you", a bleak voice explained. "Well if you want me you will just have to wait", I replied half asleep. "I need you, NOW!", the voice screamed. I had noticed the sensation as I sense spirits on a daily basis. I had a strange feeling this time. I felt like my skin was on fire while at the same time ice cold. All that I could think about was "Who is this spirit?" and "Why does it want me?". I looked up to see nothing but a dark purple smudge in the general shape of a person standing at my bedside. Suddenly the smudge darted at me with incredible speed. I was completely engulfed by the spirit. I tried to scream for help but was muffled by this unknown entity. I heard a the deep voice reply to my scream, "I am here to help you." "Help me, your strangling me you idiot!", I screamed at the apparition. "It will all become clear", the voice replied calmly. There was a strong burning sensation as purple flames blurred my vision. I could feel my hair shift turning from its natural brown to a dark black. A long black cloak formed around my neck and went to my ankles. My shirt turned black and my pants a dark gray. A pair of demonic, dark purple wings formed on my back. On the tips of each wing a hard bone-like spikes formed. "How do you like your new appearance, Isagiyoi Bougu Shinbatsu?", the voice questioned. "My name, is Isagi, only family can call me by my full name", I replied. "No matter!", the voice screamed in my head. "I, think this might be O.K., but from now on call me Daioi Shinbatsu", I replied with a slightly evil smirk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenrir Posted October 9, 2009 Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 Cliche, and otherwise stupid. Also, first couple of sentences was total Bleach starting. >=[ But seriously, character gives off gary stue trait. Quite the 1st person, it's annoying as hell and makes your story look written badly. Only a few handful of people can do 1st person.~ But, other than cliche, I have nothing else to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlucardTheOld Posted October 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 thanks for the advise and i know the opening is almost identical to bleach slightly different but not much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenrir Posted October 9, 2009 Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 No problem. Personally, I suggest introducing the character atleast a little bit. The transformation gave an introduction to his original appearance, but before that, he just seemed like Ichigo to me. =/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlucardTheOld Posted October 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 thats how i originally imagined him but i had righten a prologue that described him better but i had deleted it before i posted this but thanks again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King-Shadow Posted October 9, 2009 Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 Wow I liked the description man way to go. I could picture it all going on in my head. Good job Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlucardTheOld Posted October 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 thank you ps for tone of voice when i said thank you watch the end of this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqV8r0Oxswc&feature=player_profilepage seriously thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanAtlus Posted October 9, 2009 Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 Welcome to this week's episode of "Larry Lols!". [spoiler=Chapter 1]The Fateful Day "Fvck!"' date=' Screamed the thug leader. Don't let YCM censor you. Believe it! "No! Don't hurt me!", pleaded one of the men. ...Is there some kind of orgy going on? This should be PG 16... "Maybe next time you will think twice before you attack an innocent girl", I screamed as I chased off the thug and his gang. Oh. It was a group rape with fatal consequences. Sorry. My bad. "I'm sorry, is there anything else I can do for you?" I asked the spirit of the young girl. She shook her head and started to cry. "Avoid the verb 'to say'." My English teacher once said. "I can't bring you back, but I can get revenge on them for killing you in the gang war", I told her sympathetically. Gang WAR? Oh, now I get it... "Its Okay... I'm just sad that I won't be able to tell my parents that I love them...", she whimpered as she started to bawl. That day would change my life for ever. After I got home I went straight to my room. "Helping spirits rest in peace really takes a lot out of me", I exhaled exhaustedly. As I was lying on my bed , thinking, I felt a cold shiver down my spine. I had gotten used to this sensation and didn't bother to look up. Wow. Kinda trippy. The guy is lying in a room full of chocolate bears. "What do you want", I asked emotionlessly. "I have come for you", a bleak voice explained. "Well if you want me you will just have to wait", I replied, half asleep. "I need you, NOW!", the voice screamed. Youliketheenterkey? I had noticed the sensation as I sense spirits on a daily basis.I don't even get what you mean by that. I had a strange feeling at this time. I felt like my skin was on fire while at the same time it felt ice cold. All I could think about was "Who is this spirit?" and "Why does it want me?".Yes. Green-skinned people tend to have such feelings from time to time... I looked up and saw nothing but a dark purple smudge in the general shape of a person standing at my bedside. A wild Grimer appeared! Suddenly the smudge darted at me with incredible speed. The wild Grimer used Tackle! I was completely engulfed by the spirit. I tried to scream for help, but was muffled by this unknown entity. I heard the deep voice reply to my scream, "I am here to help you." Why doesn't he just throw a Pokéball ? "Help me, you're strangling me, you idiot!", I screamed at the apparition. "It will all become clear", the voice replied calmly. There was a strong burning sensation as purple flames blurred my vision. Floo Powder FTW? I could feel my hair shift turning from its natural brown to a dark black, because I'm worth it. A long black cloak formed around my neck and went to my ankles. My shirt turned black and my pants a dark gray. A pair of demonic, dark purple wings formed on my back. On the tips of each wing a hard bone-like spikes formed. Warning: only use Polyjuice Potion to take on the form of another human being.Also; is his skin still green? "How do you like your new appearance, Isagiyoi Bougu Shinbatsu?", the voice questioned. How do you pronounce that? "My name is Isagi, only family can call me by my full name", I replied. "No matter!", the voice screamed in my head. Weird grammar he has. "I think this might be O.K., but from now on call me Daioi Shinbatsu", I replied with a slightly evil smirk. *rejected cloverfield design* Not that bad, but find a betareader and add more descritption. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlucardTheOld Posted October 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 what is a betareader Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlucardTheOld Posted October 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 12, 2009 Youliketheenterkey? yes howd ya no ps bad grammer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.