Cthonian Posted October 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 He was too busy beging upset that he had to actually participate in the duel in the first place. XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King-Shadow Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 haha... great dueling as usual. whens chapter 6 comin??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cthonian Posted October 6, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 CHAPTER 6 IS NOW UP. Please let me know what you think so that I know that I'm not just writing to the comupter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legendhiro Posted October 6, 2009 Report Share Posted October 6, 2009 He was too busy beging upset that he had to actually participate in the duel in the first place. XD lol. makes sense. chapter six was good, but you should eventually collapse some of these into single chapters to make them longer. longer chapters seem more professional. at least that's what i'd do. but it's your fic... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cthonian Posted October 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 I'm trying really hard to make them longer. And by the way, CHAPTER SEVEN IS NOW POSTED!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legendhiro Posted October 7, 2009 Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 interesting. their mom is tough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cthonian Posted October 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 Just wait until you see her deck.... (and I won't be online at the time that I usually am because my family member is having surgery and I'm gonna stop by to see how it went. But don't worry, I will find a way to post Chapter 8 XD) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legendhiro Posted October 7, 2009 Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 hope the surgery wasn't anything too serious and that they're fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cthonian Posted October 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 Thanks... it was neck surgery and they are okay..... CHAPTER 8 IS POSTED. Let me know what you think of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted October 7, 2009 Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 what do you mean format better? I THINK that what she's trying to explain in a weird way is that upon opening up the spoiler for the first chapter, it's all bunched up (the text) onto the left, instead of flowing onto the right side of the screen. It's very headache-inducing, and I think I'll read this once you can make it look... non... headachey. Seriously, I read two lines and my head started hurting. PLEASE MAKE IT LOOK REGULAR, I BEG OF YOU-HOO-HOO! Seriously, I mean it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cthonian Posted October 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 OK, I hope this is what you meant (look at post 1), if not... GRRR XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legendhiro Posted October 8, 2009 Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 not bad. the duel was great, and the chapters seem to be getting longer. not only that, but the plot is already beginning to emerge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Nightmare Anatomy Posted October 8, 2009 Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 You formated better :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cthonian Posted October 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 Thank-you, and once again I will not be on as early as I usually am to visit that person in the hospital. Don't worry though, Chapter 9 will still find a way to be posted XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Red Posted October 8, 2009 Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 Please don't use center alignment, left alignment is so much easier on the eyes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King-Shadow Posted October 8, 2009 Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 Lol... Master I think it looks good ok? Hes trying to write this and keep up with it and all you guys are doing is complaining... Give the poor kid a break damn.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cthonian Posted October 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 Thank-you XD I do appreciate how much you guys like my chapters. Chapter 9 IS NOW UP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted October 8, 2009 Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 Thank you for changing the format!!!! So, now that that's over with, I'll perform a SMALL Weather Report upon your first chapter. Since it was updated recently, be careful: You may make the same mistakes even after the first few days. [spoiler=Chapter 1] [align=center]Daytona Beach. COOLIO!! Somebody actually decided to put a Duel Academy in a more random place. You get 2 cookie points' date=' which can go toward a real cookie. [/color'] What a wonderful spot to lay back and relax…. Yeah right. Okay, here's a few errors. 'Yeah' is still part of the same sentence, and there should be a comma after that. Here's an exapmle: What a wonderful spot to relax... yeah, right. See, does that look any better? Daytona Beach is the last place you would relax at. Okay. Especially when today is the day of the Pacific Academy entrance exams. Maybe you could've joined those two sentences together with a comma. Hey, Brian’s the name. *EVERYBODY* HI, BRIAN!! So we know the name. Alright. I plan on attending Pacific Academy with my brothers. What a trustworthy cause! My older brother Kevin, 16, and my two younger brothers. You could've made those two combined as well, or, rather the next sentence after that. Dylan, 10, and Levi, nine. Why didn't you spell out the other numbers, if you left nine alone? For future reference: spelling out numbers looks more professional. It helps! And I’m 15 by the way. A comma would've been nice. I'm being really laid back on this review, since I'm not getting angry over how bad it is! Because it's NOT THAT BAD AS OF YET! This barely happens to me. The academy accepts duelists of all ages and the best part is that it’s located on an island. Insert a comma inside of this sentence, too. DON'T EVER FORGET THE ,'s!! They help the pacing and are pretty nice pets. And I know what you’re thinking. You should've inserted a colon instead of a period (and if I called it the wrong thing by accident, I'm talking about this ':'. I get it mixed-up often. “You mean your parents actually let you go to an island all by yourself?” I'd be asking that too, with all the child raping these days, ha ha ha... ugh. I wish I hadn't have said that, it's not funny, just scarring... go on. But relax, our parents work as teachers. Oh well that's okay too. I didn't use commas on purpose, there. Our mom and dad teach Dueling Strategies 101. Stupid lesson in real-life; useful lesson in Yu-Gi-Oh Land. They enjoy the world of dueling and bestowed the game onto us as long as I can remember. "as long AGO as I can remember". In fact, maybe replace that sentence with something along the lines of: "They taught us to duel a long time ago, I can't even remember when." NO PLAGIARIZING!! We walked in not feeling an ounce of nerve. You mean 'nervousness'? Actually, we were pretty confident. Going to a private academy that only good duelists could go to. That sentence sounds odd too, change it. Now let me break it down for you. Replace the period with another colon-thing. Kevin and I have both brains and dueling experience. Put a comma after brains, when you list stuff you have to do it. IT'S AN ENGLISH LITERATURE LAW!! According to my school. Yeah, I'm still in school, everybody. But since Dylan and Levi aren’t even in middle school, they still have to learn the basics. So they're too young to know how to play cards, or is it just whatever happens to EVERYBODY who goes to this school? However, with my parents and us around, they know how to duel. That rules out my idea. We found our assigned seats and sat down. Wait... I forot that we were inside the academy yet. Could you please describe what the place looks like, people, surroundings, ect? Above our seats were TV screens that displayed who dueled when at which battle center. Is this like a normal school in America, or like the school in GX; I just wanna make sure. It also kept track of the delays, if any. JUST LIKE A TELEVISION IN THE TRAIN STATION!! I've seen some tvs that do that in Amtrak stations, but enough about my life. It's a neat addition. But why isn't there just one, big screen? My neck would start hurting if I had to crane my neck up 180 degrees all morning. Most of the duels had already completed their exams and were waiting for further instruction. How can a duel take an exam? Check it. Each grade can only have so many students and we were all accepted. You say that it can't take a huge number of students, and yet everybody passed, even Joe the idiot boy? That sounds a little too easy. Also, by saying this, you say that you've already passed your exam. You may want to... check it. To even make it to the duel exams, we had to complete the written test. YOU USED A COOL COMMA!! WOO!! Obviously we all passed. You need another comma. I celebrated too soon! One duelist had lost and had made his way out of that duel center. Heh, loser. But how do you 'lose' a written exam? And why weren't there more people to make it more realistic? Even if it makes no sense, since it's a card game story, you should still make it seem more life-like, like you've already been doing, but there are no coincidences in real life, or at least not often. “Dude, looks like that guy aien’t gonna be joining us at the academy,” Kevin said confidently. It's 'ain't'. And I had no idea that the brother was right next to him! Tell who else was in the room, since I really thought that they were all in different classrooms. I didn’t respond. I was waiting for my chance to show everyone just what I was made of. That's... odd-ish. I'm not saying that the sentence should be removed, it just sounds out of place, though. But when I looked up at the screen I saw the name Ryan, but it wasn’t my name. It was Levi’s. *BIG GASP* HE WAS THERE TOO?!?! He got up with a smile on his face while putting on his duel disk. Heh, whenever I see his name, I think about this guy: Where was he carrying the duel disk before? In a bag? In the air? In his mouth? Tell us more details; that's your main weakness. Except for cartography; the Pacific Ocean isn't near Florida. He made his way down the steps giving everyone he saw a high five walking into the duel center. EEEEEVERYBODY?! You mean, maybe just a row of kids. Did he say anything, like 'Let's go!', or 'My time to shine!', or 'Moorp.'? I don't know people who give silent high-fives, but maybe... He turned on his duel disk and saw his opponent. WHat was there on he way to the duel center? Oh, I just realized: You should capitalize the name of the cool duel buildings, since they have names. Like the Empire State Building!! It was a young man (about mid 20’s) with glasses. Apparently, he was naked. *SHUDDERS* What was he wearing, at least say he had a duel blazer or something. Glasses don't cover much. That, and an author has to paint a picture for the readers to show his/her vision to the world. So I don't see the same glasses guy you do, at least I don't think so. “Well, Levi, get ready for your entrance exam. You may call me Professor Lang.” Try this: "Well, Levi, get ready for your entrance exam," the naked man said softly, "You may call me Professor Lang." Both duelists drew their cards and both players’ life points rose to 4000. “Let’s duel,” they both shouted. Actually, if they shouted, it would be: "LET'S DUEL!!"[/align] Overall, it was alright, except for the fact that the Pacific Ocean is closer to California than Florida. You have a nice setting, except you don't describe anything. You made few grammatical errors, and you spelled well. This story is pretty okay by me. Just go over stuff again, and try to make everything SUPAH-AWESUMM!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cthonian Posted October 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 I never said that Daytona Beach was supposed to be by Florida... just that it was the location of the exams. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted October 9, 2009 Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 I'M SO CONFUSED!! The only Daytona Beach I found on the internet was in Florida, and it's such an iconic place!! I'M SO TORN!! Heck, if that's the case, it could've been Daytona Beach, Montana. Anyways, it was still okay. ESPECIALLY compared to moat of the stories on THIS site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cthonian Posted October 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 XD It is in Florida. I'm just saying that just because the exams are in one place, doesn't mean that the academy has to be right there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King-Shadow Posted October 9, 2009 Report Share Posted October 9, 2009 lool great chapter extremely interesting! Keep it up I WANT MORE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cthonian Posted October 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 10, 2009 YOU WANTED CHAPTER 10? YOU GOT IT. Chepter 10 is now posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
King-Shadow Posted October 11, 2009 Report Share Posted October 11, 2009 Awesome chapter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cthonian Posted October 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 11, 2009 Thanks, I am gonna try to work on Chapter 11 tonight and if I don't post it by tonight, then tomorrow after school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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