Øverek357Ø Posted October 4, 2009 Report Share Posted October 4, 2009 this is not really a fan-fic more of just a story (and i my not spell everything right).[spoiler=prolouge]it was a rainy day three o'clock in the morning and a baby was being born. the parents a twenty eight year old man and twenty six year old woman. there names were stan and joan."it's a boy" the docter exclaimed with a sigh."look honey it's a beautiful baby boy" said stan quietly to joan."wait stan may i talk to you" asked the docter. they both walked over into the other corner of the room."he has a mark on his chest" exclaimed the docter."what kind of ... mark" asked stan worridly? the docter looked down and then looked up again."the mark of the dragon" exclaimed the docter."whats that" asked stan now not woridly but more anxieusly?"it is something that we have lost almost all knoledge of all we know is that poeple have not had this since the days of magic and then when the poeple died who had them it was burnt onto there bones" said the docter."wait what your saying is that my kid has something that we know nothing about" exclaimed stan."yes-" he was interupted by the screaming of joan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rook Bishop Posted October 7, 2009 Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 you weren't kidding. When will more be posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Øverek357Ø Posted October 7, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 very soon i almost finished Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted October 7, 2009 Report Share Posted October 7, 2009 A story? This looks like the perfect time for a Weather Report!this is not really a fan-fic more of just a story (and i my not spell everything right). Well' date=' okay then, but you're gonna have o make it original if it's not a fan-fic. Plus, please forgive me, but I'm going to point out each spelling error in order to help you become a better author.[/color'][spoiler=prolouge]it was a rainy day three o'clock in the morning and a baby was being born. What a basic sentence. You seem to be missing a word between 'day' and 'three'. You didn't capitalize 'it', and it's not day when it's only 3:00 AM. That's a rainy MORNING, although it still isn't dawn yet. So is it night? I don't know, so I won't say that's what you should put instead. So where was the baby being born, in the Amazon Rain Jungle? Not the rain forest, the RAIN JUNGLE. Specify EXACTLY where. the parents a twenty eight year old man and twenty six year old woman. Yeah, your Shift and Caps Lock buttons are broken, right? Capitalize the beginning of every sentence. Also, looks like you forgot another word again, after 'parents'. there names were stan and joan. Your grammar is acting up! And you capitalize names, you know. What do they look like? I guess Stan is... a moth, and Joan... IS A RAT, YEEEEAAH!! Rats rule."it's a boy" the docter exclaimed with a sigh. W-w-w-Where'd the doctor come from? There aren't any doctors... IN THE AMAZON RAIN JUNGLE!! If it's in a hospital, just say that at the start. And it's 'It's' and 'doctor'. What's up with you and capital letters, seriously? Oh, and other punctuation stuff, too, since the doctor didn't use a comma or period or nuthin'."look honey it's a beautiful baby boy" said stan quietly to joan. The sentence is alright and normal for people to say, but you still didn't use punctuation or capitalization, so I imagine that this moth sounds like a robot. And the doctor too, who's also a robot. Also rewrite 'said stan quietly to joan'. It sounds... awkward. Try to make it sound more normal for people to say. In fact, whenever you type something, maybe you should read it out to yourself before posting so that you can tell how normal it sounds."wait stan may i talk to you" asked the docter. they both walked over into the other corner of the room. "WAIT STAN MAY I TALK TO YOU" said Docter Robot. Punctuation. It makes you sound cooler! See, without the exclamation point I used there, my sentence would've sounded BORING. Now that I've drilled this lesson into you, I hope that you will always use punctuation in all of your stories! And I shall leave the continuing problem alone now."he has a mark on his chest" exclaimed the docter. Ignoring makes this sound regular, so okay."what kind of ... mark" asked stan worridly? the docter looked down and then looked up again. "WHAT kind OF... MARK?" He sounds like an over exaggerated Captain Kirk from Star Trek! And 'worridly' isn't a word! And by putting a question mark after you tell what he said, it looks like you don't know what kind of story you're telling here! That line is in need of a tune-up."the mark of the dragon" exclaimed the docter. Mark of the... WAIT!! That sounds alot like Yu-Gi-Oh 5D's! Did you do your research? Was this done on purpose, or by accident? If you did this on purpose and are trying to make this a yugioh story, then it's really just a fan fic. If you CHANGE it to something else, then it will take a totally new look and not seem to be copying 5D's and will be a story with no card games in it. CHOOSE YOUR PATH."whats that" asked stan now not woridly but more anxieusly? UGH. It looks bad. You know what I've been saying before, just apply it to here..."it is something that we have lost almost all knoledge of all we know is that poeple have not had this since the days of magic and then when the poeple died who had them it was burnt onto there bones" said the docter."wait what your saying is that my kid has something that we know nothing about" exclaimed stan. First, 'knowledge'. Second, 'people'. Third, I now see that you were trying to make this a MAGIC STORY!!! all along, with no cards at all. If so, you REALLY want to change the kind of marking before alot of rabid yugioh guys attack you for stealing the mark thing. This IS a yugioh forum, right? Plus, seriously, USE PERIODS, this thing is starting to hurt my head from trying to figure out where each sentence begins and ends also how does a simple robot doctor know about this thing when nobody else does he's not a historian so i'd expect the parents to know about it too"yes-" he was interupted by the screaming of joan. Lastly: INTERRUPTED. Well, it turned from what LOOKED like a regular yugioh fic, into an original magic story. But there was no magic in it. It was too short. It had no punctuation of capitalization. THESE ARE YOUR MAIN CONCERNS. Address them, re-write, and then this will look pretty promising. And one more thing: I'd like to see a bit of how the kid looks when he's a few years older. That would be a good place to end a prologue: after we see how it all began and we see what kind of guy the main character is. JUST DON'T MAKE HIM SOME SORT OF COCKY IDIOT, I BEG OF YOU!! Not like you were going to, but who knows. Weather Report, out. 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Rook Bishop Posted October 8, 2009 Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 A story? This looks like the perfect time for a Weather Report!this is not really a fan-fic more of just a story (and i my not spell everything right). Well' date=' okay then, but you're gonna have o make it original if it's not a fan-fic. Plus, please forgive me, but I'm going to point out each spelling error in order to help you become a better author.[/color'][spoiler=prolouge]it was a rainy day three o'clock in the morning and a baby was being born. What a basic sentence. You seem to be missing a word between 'day' and 'three'. You didn't capitalize 'it', and it's not day when it's only 3:00 AM. That's a rainy MORNING, although it still isn't dawn yet. So is it night? I don't know, so I won't say that's what you should put instead. So where was the baby being born, in the Amazon Rain Jungle? Not the rain forest, the RAIN JUNGLE. Specify EXACTLY where. the parents a twenty eight year old man and twenty six year old woman. Yeah, your Shift and Caps Lock buttons are broken, right? Capitalize the beginning of every sentence. Also, looks like you forgot another word again, after 'parents'. there names were stan and joan. Your grammar is acting up! And you capitalize names, you know. What do they look like? I guess Stan is... a moth, and Joan... IS A RAT, YEEEEAAH!! Rats rule."it's a boy" the docter exclaimed with a sigh. W-w-w-Where'd the doctor come from? There aren't any doctors... IN THE AMAZON RAIN JUNGLE!! If it's in a hospital, just say that at the start. And it's 'It's' and 'doctor'. What's up with you and capital letters, seriously? Oh, and other punctuation stuff, too, since the doctor didn't use a comma or period or nuthin'."look honey it's a beautiful baby boy" said stan quietly to joan. The sentence is alright and normal for people to say, but you still didn't use punctuation or capitalization, so I imagine that this moth sounds like a robot. And the doctor too, who's also a robot. Also rewrite 'said stan quietly to joan'. It sounds... awkward. Try to make it sound more normal for people to say. In fact, whenever you type something, maybe you should read it out to yourself before posting so that you can tell how normal it sounds."wait stan may i talk to you" asked the docter. they both walked over into the other corner of the room. "WAIT STAN MAY I TALK TO YOU" said Docter Robot. Punctuation. It makes you sound cooler! See, without the exclamation point I used there, my sentence would've sounded BORING. Now that I've drilled this lesson into you, I hope that you will always use punctuation in all of your stories! And I shall leave the continuing problem alone now."he has a mark on his chest" exclaimed the docter. Ignoring makes this sound regular, so okay."what kind of ... mark" asked stan worridly? the docter looked down and then looked up again. "WHAT kind OF... MARK?" He sounds like an over exaggerated Captain Kirk from Star Trek! And 'worridly' isn't a word! And by putting a question mark after you tell what he said, it looks like you don't know what kind of story you're telling here! That line is in need of a tune-up."the mark of the dragon" exclaimed the docter. Mark of the... WAIT!! That sounds alot like Yu-Gi-Oh 5D's! Did you do your research? Was this done on purpose, or by accident? If you did this on purpose and are trying to make this a yugioh story, then it's really just a fan fic. If you CHANGE it to something else, then it will take a totally new look and not seem to be copying 5D's and will be a story with no card games in it. CHOOSE YOUR PATH."whats that" asked stan now not woridly but more anxieusly? UGH. It looks bad. You know what I've been saying before, just apply it to here..."it is something that we have lost almost all knoledge of all we know is that poeple have not had this since the days of magic and then when the poeple died who had them it was burnt onto there bones" said the docter."wait what your saying is that my kid has something that we know nothing about" exclaimed stan. First, 'knowledge'. Second, 'people'. Third, I now see that you were trying to make this a MAGIC STORY!!! all along, with no cards at all. If so, you REALLY want to change the kind of marking before alot of rabid yugioh guys attack you for stealing the mark thing. This IS a yugioh forum, right? Plus, seriously, USE PERIODS, this thing is starting to hurt my head from trying to figure out where each sentence begins and ends also how does a simple robot doctor know about this thing when nobody else does he's not a historian so i'd expect the parents to know about it too"yes-" he was interupted by the screaming of joan. Lastly: INTERRUPTED. Well, it turned from what LOOKED like a regular yugioh fic, into an original magic story. But there was no magic in it. It was too short. It had no punctuation of capitalization. THESE ARE YOUR MAIN CONCERNS. Address them, re-write, and then this will look pretty promising. And one more thing: I'd like to see a bit of how the kid looks when he's a few years older. That would be a good place to end a prologue: after we see how it all began and we see what kind of guy the main character is. JUST DON'T MAKE HIM SOME SORT OF COCKY IDIOT, I BEG OF YOU!! Not like you were going to, but who knows. Weather Report, out. So basically I wondering when will you give me a Weather Report lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted October 8, 2009 Report Share Posted October 8, 2009 "So basically I wondering when you will give me a Weather Report lol"?! First, you may want to start fixing your everyday grammar... then I'll tink about it... HOLY CRAP!! I MISSPELLED "THINK"!! OH NO, I'M DYING DUE TO BAD GRAMMAR FROM MYSELF--bleh. I'm dead because I was about to critique myself harshly... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misterhalo3 Posted November 25, 2009 Report Share Posted November 25, 2009 capitalize correctly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skippy Canoe Posted November 25, 2009 Report Share Posted November 25, 2009 Spell doctor correctly, and anxiously, and worriedly, and everything else mentioned in that Weather Report. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SebastiaanZ Posted November 26, 2009 Report Share Posted November 26, 2009 Wow, please work on your grammar and interpunction. And you call that a prologue??????? 0/10, this is just spam or a case of "oh-jeeze-I-want-to-raise-my-postcount"-syndrome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RAEGING D0GKING Posted November 28, 2009 Report Share Posted November 28, 2009 Get better grammarAlso nice about the Dragon mark thingcan't wait for more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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