Inheritance of the World: Volume One. Chapter Ten added. Find out Xon's identity!

[Umbra]

Chapter One: The Start of Destiny

 

Today, there are not many that believe in destiny. They choose to believe that the future has not yet been set, that everything is not predetermined. But if this is the case, how can people believe in predictions? The outcome of a football game, tomorrow’s weather? Aren’t these proof of destiny? That the future has already been set and we can determine it, reveal it? There are one who believes such, and he has been called a “freak” and “crazy”. But all he did was telling the truth. All he did was revealing the truth of destiny to the common people.

 

That is me.

 

I’ve been forced to live on this cliff for many years now, because nobody understands the truth. They only give me the naive look of a fool when I tell them my stories, my truths. They say they agree, but their eyes tell otherwise. They think I’m insane. My name is Jack. Jack Underton. No one has called me that in years, but I remember it. I was on national TV once. I remember that too. They told people of my theories, but no one listened. No one cared. No one remembered.

 

I see someone coming up to me from behind. I will continue to write here later, but for now I must go. I’ll be around.

 

- Jack? Jack Underton?

Jack nodded, and turned towards the guest. It was a man, probably in his thirties, but with striped grey hair and a torn face. This was a man who had worked hard, and worked a lot.

- That would be me, yes.

The man smiled, but it was only for a few seconds.

- I’m Rick Norgrass. I’ve been looking for you for months. Years, maybe.

Something in the man’s eyes told Jack that he was telling the truth.

- Well, speak of your business here, Rick.

- I’m here to give you this back.

Jack looked at Rick as he picked up a stack of cards from his pocket.

- I’m here to show you your Destiny, Jack.

Rick picked up the top card, showing a man dressed in dark robes and with a staff on his back.

- This is you, Jack. The Diviner.

He then picked up the following card, but flipped it immeadetly, so that it landed on the cave floor with the image up. It showed a surge of golden light, rushing towards the viewer.

- That is your goal. The Truth.

He picked up the next card, and held it in his hand.

- And this is how to fulfill your goal. The Path.

Then, Jack felt a strange twist in his guts. This man was no ordinary worker. This man knew of his dreams. His goal. His destiny.

- Do you wish to know more, Jack? Then come with me.

Jack nodded.

- I indeed do, mr Norgrass. Even though I understand that is not your real name.

The other man nodded.

- Your eyes are sharp, Jack. My name is a different one, but I can assure you that it will come to you in due time. I can’t tell you know, since we must go. Gather whatever belongings you might have here. We must go, now.

Jack turned into the cave, and picked up a small notebook. He swung it open, and flicked up his pen. Quickly, he wrote down a few words.

 

I am leaving the cliff for a while now, but I am sure to be back later. This trip should not take too long. Bye, darling. May destiny be with you.

 

He then dropped the notebook on the cave floor. A single tear came from his right eye. I’ll be back, my love. Have faith in me, and have faith in destiny. He then turned to Rick.

- We’ll be going.

 

End of Chapter One.

 

In next Chapter, Strategy Style, the duels get on!

[Umbra]

Inheritance of the World,

 

Chapter Two: Strategy Style

 

After a few minutes, Jack and Rick came to the state road. At the roadside, not far from them, a grey Ford was parked. It seemed shabby, and was covered in dust.

- This would be our ride, then. Come, Jack.

Rick sat down at the driver’s seat, and Jack went in the other front seat. Jack could only glimpse the cliff that had been his home for many years before Rick pressed the pedal and they went off.

 

A few hours later, or so Jack thought at least, the car stopped. They had reached a large facility area, a large complex barred away from the rest of the world with a nine-inch thick steel wall. They protect something valuable in here. I should be careful.He and Rick stepped out of the car, and walked towards the only entrance, a gate, also nine inches of steel. The only thing that separated it from the rest of the wall was that the road had leaded up to it; There was no guard booth or bars infront of it. Instead, Rick walked to the left of the gate and moved away a stone brick. It easily glided to the left, and behind it a code panel could be seen. The panel was more complex than anything Jack had ever seen, with twenty-one different symbols in a oval circle.

- Could you look away, Jack? This is confidental information.

Jack nodded, and turned around. They had driven into a deep forest, only following a small but asphalted road. Then, they had came to this place.

- You can follow me now, Jack. Everything’s in position.

The young man started to frighten Jack, but yet he followed. Destiny gave me this opportunity, he thought, and I shall follow it ‘til I die.

Then, he nodded.

- We have no time to spare. Show me my Destiny, boy.

Rick smiled.

- We enter.

Then, the gates swung up. Jack saw a brick-layered road leading towards a tall building of some sort. On each side of the road, there was nothing. Only a white fog twisting slightly a few inches above the ground. Jack started to walk towards the swirls.

- You don’t want to step into that. That fog will devour most people.

- Devour?

Jack looked confunded.

- This is why this place is a secret, Jack. That fog contains billions of thousands of nanobacterias every square inch. And they’re hungry, Jack. We tried to toss in a piece of wood, weighing around 50 pounds. It didn’t hit the ground.

- But why is it here? Who made it?

Rick flicked with his right hand at the tall building ahead.

- Your questions will be answered in due time. Now, we must go.

Rick and Jack continued up the road, carefully avoiding the white fog.

 

As soon as they reached the door, a metallic voice could be heard.

- Name and identification, please.

Rick nodded.

- Rick Norgrass, O-Six-Five-Four. I bring one guest.

After a few seconds, the voice speaked again.

- Welcome, Rick.

The steel door glided into the - appearently hollow - wall, and revealed something Jack had never seen before. The whole indoor floor was covered in squares, sixty-four to be exact, and far above them two people were standing in booths connected to the left and right wall. But that was not what caught Jack’s eye. Between them, standing on the squares, were monsters. Horrifying dragons, undead knights, and somewhat not-so scary plants. A voice could be heard from one of the booths.

- I use my Carnivoras special power! Destroy his Ghoul Captain!

The plant suddenly grew into a large man-eating one, and rushed towards a zombie of some sort on the other side. The plant opened it’s mouth, and swallowed it whole. Jack only stared.

- What the...

- This is another reason we keep this a secret. You have heard of the Duel Monsters card game, right?

Jack nodded. Even one who had lived in the middle of nowhere for years knew about the japanese trading card game that had struck the world. Kids liked it. Adults, too. It was something special.

- Well, we have developed a similar one. But as you see, we follow a slightly different system. We use thirty-two monster zones per player instead of five. And we use the full strategical potential. Come with me, and I’ll teach you to play it.

- But why am I here?

Jack stared at Rick, who just nodded.

- You, mr. Underton, have been designated by our software as one of the special. Am I right?

Jack was stunned. They know it! They know my secret!- I don’t know what your talking about, Norgrass.

Rick only smiled.

- I think you know exactly what I talk about, Jack. Come with me.

Rick and Jack walked across the floor, and through a second door at the other side. They came to a corridor, where they turned left and up a staircase. As they walked, Rick began to speak again.

- Only those who are special can play this game. You are one of them, just as the two we saw in the entrance.

- Them? Jack was confunded. How many of us are there?

Rick smiled.

- We have around sixty-three here. If we count you, that’s sixty-four.

- Sixty-four?

Jack was stunned. There are other than me? Other cursed?

But Rick smiled again.

- In fact, we were thinking of holding a tournament to test the potential of our new system. Since there are sixty-four, that fits perfectly. I’ll show you how to play DM2.

- DM2?

Jack was stunned.

- It stands for Duel Monsters, edition two. But we call it DM2.

Jack and Rick continued to walk along the corridor, and came to a wooden door. It seemed very misplaced, as if it had just been placed there.

- You’ll met your opponent inside. I’ll watch over you so that you don’t make any fatal errors. Remember, this is a totally new system. Even if you happen to know about the old one, this is different.

Jack nodded, and walked through the door. Inside there was a square room, with an equally square table in the middle. On the other side of the table sat a boy, around fifteen-sixteen years old, and tapped his fingers against some of the squares on the table, making them glow. The boy stopped and looked up as soon as Jack entered the room.

- I guess you’re one of us, then. I’m Carl Huffin.

- I’m Jack Underton.

They could hear Rick’s voice from somewhere. Probably speakers inside the walls.

- Introductions are over, fellows. Time to start the match.

From a small hatch on both sides of the table, a pile of decks glided out.

- The cards you just recieved are your deck. At the beginning of your turn, you draw a card. At the beginning of the match, you draw five cards. Carl begins.

Carl and Jack drew five cards, then Carl picked up a new one.

- Since this is your first game, we’ll make it an open. Carl just drew two monster cards, one trap card and three spell cards. Carl, place your Alpha Warrior face-up on any square on your field.

Carl picked up the leftmost card, and placed it on one of the squares. Suddenly lines began to spread from the card: A red line all the way to Jack’s side of the table, and blue lines to each other side. A green line went back to Carl’s side of the field.

- As you have seen, lines have appeared on the field. The red lines are a monster’s attack range. The blue are it’s defense range, and the green is it’s guard area. A monster can attack any other monster that is inside it’s own attack range. If an opposing monster’s attack range crosses a monster’s defense range, that monster can choose itself as an attack target. And, if an opposing monster is with a monster’s guard area, that monster is returned to the square directly infront of that monster. Got everything?

Jack smiled.

- Not a bit.

- Same here, mr Norgrass.

- You’ll understand during the game. Now, Carl, activate the spell card.

Carl looked at the spell, and read the text box.

- Sure. I play Alpha Line of Defense!

The blue lines widened, now including one more row than before.

- Carl, end your turn. You can’t attack on the first round.

- I’ll end it there.

Jack drew a new card.

- Jack, use your newly drawn card. It’s a spell.

- Ok. I use Shield Drain! Which decreases your monster’s defense range to 0!

Suddenly, the Alpha Warrior’s blue lines faded away. Carl stared.

- What? Now, my Alpha Warrior can’t protect any others!

- It gets worse. The defense range can also protect you. If Jack get’s a monster with an attack range high enough to reach you, he can attack you directly. And I think you have, Jack.

- I see, Rick. I play my Ancient Paladin!

To the left of Alpha Warrior, and one row closer to Jack, a knight in dusty armour appeared. The red line reached far beyond Alpha Warrior, and to the back row. Carl growled.

- Rick? I think you gave me a card a little too appropriate for this situation. Because my Ancient Paladin has a special ability!

- I’m glad you saw that, Jack. And that you managed to place it tactically enough.

Carl was confused.

- What are you talking about?

Then, he saw it. In the same square as his Alpha Warrior, the ground became red.

- My Ancient Paladin has a diagonal attack range of one square. So, I think I’ll pass attacking you directly, and go for your monster instead!

Ancient Paladin charged up at the Alpha Warrior, and suddenly, two numbers appeared above the monsters. Above the Alpha Warrior, there was a 3; and above the Paladin, there was a 4.

- The numbers here are your monsters’ Strength. They are used for battling. Since the Paladin’s strength is higher than the Warrior’s, the outcome is given.

- Or not.

It was Carl that had spoken.

- I’m not going to let myself be beaten in my first game by an old man! I activate my trap! Divine Blocker! It increases my monster’s Strength by 1 if it’s attacked! So now, it’s equal!

The two warriors charged into each other, and they caused a dust cloud. When the cloud fell, only the Paladin stood.

- What? Why was only my Alpha Warrior destroyed?

Rick’s voice could be heard again.

- When an Ancient monster attacks, it may decrease it’s strength by one to destroy the attacker.

- That’s not fair!

- You have strong cards too, young Carl. Look at your rightmost trap.

Carl turned his gaze upon the card, and then started to laugh.

- That’s perfect! I’ll just need that other monster!

- Then, look at the other one.

Carl looked at the other.

- Brilliant!

Jack nodded.

- I’ll end my turn by placing a trap card infront of my Ancient Paladin.

- Can you do that?

- Some traps allow that, Carl. Jack probably knows that.

- Anyway, it’s my turn!

Carl drew a card.

- I’ll activate my spell card! Magnet Call! Which gives me a new monster, the Beta Warrior!

A new warrior appeared two squares ahead of the Ancient Paladin, but the attack range stopped one square ahead.

- As you can see, my Beta Warrior only has 1 attack range. But that’s changing! I activate my trap, Magnet Fiend! Which gives me a fully new card, the Gamma Warrior!

A slightly darker warrior appeared to the left of the trapped square.

- And now, it’s time to meet an old friend, the Alpha Warrior! I activate Magnet Battery Recharge! Which brings back Alpha to the field!

Alpha Warrior appeared to the right of the trap. Jack only looked at the monsters.

- Doesn’t matter. My Ancient Paladin is far stronger than any of yours, and I can defend easily.

- You didn’t think I knew that? My Beta Warrior has a special effect! It can attack any card within it’s attack range! The Attack Range and the Attack Strength increases by 1 for every other Magnet Warrior out!

- Which means...

- Which means I can attack both your monster and your trap! And since your Shield Drain has worn off, my Line of Defense works like it should! Now, Beta Warrior, attack! Beta Charged Ray! Beta has now an attack Strength of 5, and Ancient Paladin only has 3!

- My Paladin charges up against it! Which means, his effect activates! Say goodbye to...

As his words came forth, the Alpha Warrior placed itself infront of Ancient Paladin.

- What?

- Surprised? My Line of Defense enables my Alpha Warrior to defend any monster within two defense rows. Including my Beta!

The Paladin hit the Alpha Warrior directly and destroyed it. Then, the Beta Warrior destroyed the Paladin. Suddenly, Jack saw a red bar levitate next to him. At the top, the number 10 could be seen. The red fluid within the bar decreased, and the number 8 appeared on top instead. Rick’s voice was heard again.

- Seems Jack lost some Life Points. Life Points are your primary resource. If you run out of it, you lose the game. The Beta Warrior had 4 Strength, and the Paladin only had 2. So therefore, Jack lost 2 Life Points. The battle continues.

[Guest Ixigo]

Finally, someone else is interested in making a plot-driven fanfic. =/

 

Excellent work, mate.

 

-Plot: 9/10 (Very solid, intriguing, original. Nice build-up)

-Characters: 8.5/10 (Good introductions, portraits, intriguing personalities overall. Could use a little more variety, but I guess it's early)

-Grammar / Syntax / Structure: 9.5/10 (definately top-notch, easily outclasses the average I've seen)

-Description: 9/10 (Finally, enough emphasis on description! You really can paint the picture. It's not that it couldn't use a tad more, but compare it to the rule of thumb around here, and you'll see why it's made of win)

-Dueling: 9/10 (Original ideas here FTW. Unexpected, and win. Major win.)

-Overall: 9/10 (Excellent! Easily one of the best first two chapters I've read here, and elsewhere, and it's made of win. Keep it up bro!)

[Umbra]

Thanks, Ixigo. I'm currently writing Chapter Three, so it shouldn't take so long before it's up. The battle between Jack and Carl was just a training, and this chapter is more plot-developing.

 

EDIT: Chapter Three will only feature the end of the duel. Chapter Four will continue with the plot.

[Umbra]

Carl smiled. Not only had he destroyed the greatest threat at the loss of only one monster, he had also opened up a way to charge directly.

- Gamma Warrior, rush up! Surge Strike!

Jack shook his head.

- I don’t think so. Remember something?

- Not really, no.

Jack growled.

- When you attacked with Beta Warrior, you triggered my trap. Go, Frozen Armor!

Suddenly, Gamma Warrior froze in place, and his attack range suddenly disappeared.

- Frozen Armor inables the target to move or attack, but gives it 2 Attack Strength. Not that I plan to attack it whatsoever.

Carl looked at his opponent. This gray-haired man... He’s probably in his fifties, but he’s been able to counter my every step! I know he’s special, but it’s unlike my talent...Then he smiled. My talent... That should prove useful. He looked at his hand, which only had one card in it.

- I end my turn. You go next, Underton.

Jack drew a card. This is the card Rick showed me back home. The one he said was me.

- I play The Diviner! And I use his special ability! Prophecy! Which means I can arrange the top three cards in my deck anyway I want.

He picked up the top three, looked at them, and smiled. The other cards are here... The Path, and The Truth. I guess this is not a coincidence. Then, he looked at the bottom card. Mirage Spirit... Could come useful. He then put them back, with Mirage Spirit at the top and the other two directly after that.

- The arrangements are complete, which means my Diviner enters the field.

A man in a white cloak with glasses and a long, gray beard appeared at the square that once was trapped. Carl smiled.

- That’s all you got? An old man, like yourself?

- No. I also play a trap infront of my Diviner. And now, reach out the lines!

The red line only reached out for two squares, and the blue only on one. But the green line stretched all the way back to Jack, crossing...

- My Beta Warrior? But how?

Rick spoke again.

- It seems I forgot to tell you. When a monster destroys another in battle, the destroyer appears at the same square as the destroyed. Which means, your Beta Warrior is in his Guard Area.

- And that it’s transported infront of him, where I have a trap!

Beta Warrior instantly teleported infront of the Diviner, but flames rose up from the ground.

- It’s my Incinerate, which destroys your monster immeadetly!

- Aagh!

Carl only watched as Beta Warrior exploded in a roaring inferno.

- Was that it?

Jack shook his head.

- I’m afraid not. Incinerating is a painful death. Since your Beta Warrior had 4 Strength points, Incinerate takes half of that out of your Life!

- What?

Carl suddenly saw the red bar appear next to him, only to decrease from 10 to 8.

- I’ll end it there.

Suddenly, the holograms of the monsters and everything disappeared, and the table was just a normal one.

- I think you have seen enough. It’s time to move on.

Then, Rick stepped out of a door neither Jack or Carl had seen before.

- How did you like it, gentlemen?

Carl smiled.

- It was awesome, mr Norgrass.

- And Jack?

Jack nodded.

- It’s surely better than doing nothing. I liked it.

- Good. Follow me and you will meet Leander. He’s in charge around here, so he’ll be able to answer all your questions.

[Umbra]

Rick, Jack, and Carl walked out the door, and went up the hallway. Jack looked at his former opponent. The teenager had short, brown hair, and wore a brown T-shirt and jeans. On the back of the T-shirt there was written “I’m not like you, I’ve got brains”. Jack smiled.

Suddenly, a man dressed in a white doctor’s coat came out of a door. The man looked spanish, with short, black hair and a darker skintone. He nodded at Rick.

- Norgrass, hi. Is this Diviner?

Rick nodded.

- Diviner and Path, Rodriguez. I’m bringing them to Leander. Anything special today?

- Be careful with him, Rick. He’s a bit pissed. Shade tried to escape a few hours ago. Fortunately, we got him before he ran into Wind.

Rick nodded.

- Good. We don’t want anyone killed.

- Killed?

It was Carl that had spoken. He looked nervous all of a sudden, and Jack couldn’t blame him. I only use my power to reveal the truth, but this “Wind” seems to be violent. I better keep an eye out. Rick nodded at Carl.

- Wind can be... ferocious sometimes, and we don’t want that to happen. However, he was calm today.

- You’ve met him? But you’ve been with us all the time!

- You two have met him too. Remember that white fog around here?

Carl thought for a moment, then his eyes flung open.

- Don’t say...

Rick nodded.

- That would be Wind, yes. He’s our personal guard, except for the fact that he is one of you.

- But that power’s insane! You could thank God he’s with you! He could have been the worst serial killer in the history of mankind!

Rick nodded.

- He could, but he won’t. Wind knows that his life is here, not anywhere else. However, we must go.

Rick then turned to Rodriguez.

- Leander is in his office, right?

Rodriguez nodded.

- Should be, unless he’s talking to Shade.

- We’ll be going, then. See you later, Rodriguez.

- Same, Norgrass.

 

A few minutes later, they stopped outside a steel door. Rick turned to Jack and Carl.

- Remember, this is my boss. The manager. The chief. So mind your manners.

Then, he knocked twice on the door.

- Who is it? The voice was deep, but sounded different than usual people.

- It’s Norgrass. I have the two last here, mr Leander. Diviner and Path.

- Good, send them in.

- Yes, sir.

The door glided to the left, and suddenly Jack was blinded. A surge of light erupted from the room, and he stepped in while covering his eyes.

-Welcome, Mr Underton and Mr Huffin. I am Damon Leander, the owner of Crystalfound Corporation and creator of DM2. I understand that you are among the special.

Jack nodded, even though the bright light was still blinding him. He couldn’t even see Carl, but heard him.

- Yes, we are. You couldn’t switch off the spotlight? It’s kinda annoying.

Then, the light faded, and Jack could see again. But he was in shock. There was no spotlight, no lamp or anything. The glow had came from Leander himself.

- Better, Carl?

Jack saw that Carl only stared at Leander. He must be as surprised as I am.

- M-m-much better, mr Leander.

- Please, call me Damon. Mr Leander is for the employees. Or, by the way...

He started to glow brightly.

- You can call me Light.

Leander then rose from his desk and walked up to them.

- Since you have already seen the game itself, and tried it, I’m sure you only want to know about you, and your powers. Jack has been given the power to foresee the future, and, you, Carl...

Carl nodded.

- I can find anyone, and find my way to anywhere. They don’t call me the Path for nothing.

Jack looked at Leander.

- Yes, that’s what I wondered about. What are these names four?

Leander sighed, then walked back to his desk. He opened a drawer, and took out a stone tablet.

- I bought this one in Egypt, around twenty years ago, by a young man who said he had found it in a pyramid when he was a kid. The inscribings were not Ancient Egyptian, as far as he could tell, so I got it cheap. Then, I took it to an old friend of mine, and told me it was certainly not Egyptian, but Norse.

- Norse?

Carl stared at the tablet.

- Yes, it is written in norse runes, and my friend was very well able to translate it. It told me of the Blessed, that had gained power from Odin - that’s a Norse God, if you didn’t know - and could do various things, like flying, hiding in plain sight, teleporting. Many were the gifts of the gods. But one of the blessed, the man Xon, had the power to steal the power of others by defeating them, and so he slayed all of the other blessed to gain their power. At last, he stood against Rimgan, the Diviner, and defeated him violently. But as soon as Xon had defeated Rimgar, he had a vision: That he would die in a brutal death, even with the power of regeneration that he had stolen, but that all of the Blessed would be reborn several millenias later. Including himself.

Jack looked confunded. If this is true, does that meen that me and Carl are reincarnations of the Blessed? Or worse, is this Xon among us? Is he in this building, waiting to finish us off, one by one? Leander continued.

- Over the coming years, me and my old friend found out that we are among the reborn Blessed. I am the Light, as you no doubt have witnessed, and my friend was the Mind. Over the years, we have gathered the rest of us. You too were the last.

Carl glared at Damon.

- But then Xon is here! Xon could be anywhere!

Leander nodded.

- Yes. That is why you must stay here. Here, you will be protected from all the others. From Xon. However, now you know of your situation. You must go back to your rooms. You will meet the others tomorrow.

- Yes, mr Lean- I mean, Light. Come, Jack.

Then, Jack and Carl walked out of the door, where they were met by a nervous Rick.

- How did it go?

Carl shrugged his shoulders.

- Fine, I guess. He told us about Xon and Rimgar and the whole thing, but it seems fine.

Rick twitched briefly, but then nodded.

- Good. I’ll take you to your rooms.

[Umbra]

A while later, Jack fell asleep. It had been a long day, and Jack had taken in more today than he had done the last twenty years. A norse legend? Blessed people? I’m too old for this kind of thing.

 

Jack woke up. He had heard a sharp noise, and rose from his bed.

- What in the name of God?!

His room was in a mess, with the table lying upside down, the door busted in, lying down in the hallway, and red stains all over the walls and the roof. Blood. To Jack’s surprise, he saw something different, that did not fit in with the broken furniture. A japanese katana lying next to his bed. He picked it up. There is no blood on the blade. Whatever had caused this, it was not the blade. Suddenly, he could hear steps from the hallway. Someone was coming.

He grabbed the blade in one hand, and turned to the door. The steps came closer, and along them a dripping sound. Jack saw a shaded arm reach out infront of the doorway. On the fingertips were long, yellow claws. Suddenly, Jack felt the katana vibrate as the creature came closer. Now, Jack could see the head. It was the one of a wolf, with a jutting jawbone, wild, yellow eyes, and fur all over the face. The face seemed familiar somehow, but Jack couldn’t place it. The teeth dropped some kind of fluid, which when it hit the floor burned a small hole in the ground. Acid. The wolfman stared at Jack, and smiled.

- I see you, Diviner.

Suddenly, the katana began to glow with a red flare. The room was gradually lit up as the flare became grander and brighter, and the wolfbeast staggered away. Jack smiled.

- Seems like Wolfboy is scared of the Light.

Then, he swung his katana at the wolf, but it passed a few inches away as the wolf staggered backwards. The wolf howled, and ran back into the hallway. Jack ran after it, but as soon as he stepped out from his room, a white fog swirled around his feet. Wind! He turned to the right and ran after the wolfman, but the white fog only rushed after him. He began to feel the Blessed Wind chow his way through his skin, but kept running. Suddenly, he stopped.

- Wind, listen to me! I am no intruder! I hunt the Wolfbeast that crashed into my room.

The fog stopped. Soon, a face began to form before Jack’s eyes.

- What is your power, human?

Jack nodded.

- I am the one they call Diviner. I foresee the future.

Then, a howl echoed through the corridors, along with a scream of terror. Jack swung his eyes open.

- That was Carl! Please, Wind, you must help!

Then, Jack felt light all of a sudden. As he looked down, his feet levitated a few inches above the ground.

- Holy mother of God!

Jack could feel a tingling in the wind around him.

- Time to fly, Diviner.

Then, Jack felt like someone grabbed him around the chest and pulled him forward. They flew through the corridors, until they saw the Wolf. The beast’s jaws were covered in blood, and at it’s feet a severed body lay on the floor. The face had been ripped off, but the back was fully visible. A tear appeared in Jack’s eye. On the back, there was written “I’m not like you, I’ve got brains”. It was Carl.

- Stand back, Diviner. I can handle this beast.

Then, Jack landed on the floor as the fog thickened around him, then rapidly flew towards the wolf. Jack raised his katana, and stared at the wolf.

- My name is Jack Underton. You killed my friend.

The blade started to glow with a purple light.

- Prepare to die.

Then, the room was covered in a bright, white light. Jack was blinded by the instant surge, and fell down to the floor. He heard the blade cling upon the ground next to him, then he heard the wolfman speak.

- Prepare, world, for here stands Xon, Master of All. The Blessed have all fallen, and their strength is now mine. Destiny awaits you!

 

Then, Jack woke up. His body was covered in sweat, and he was terrified. That dream... Or was it a dream? Was it a vision of times yet to come? Will Xon defeat us all? Is there really a chance to defeat him?

He rose from his bed, and looked up. There was no blood on the wall, and the table was like it had been yesterday. The door was intact aswell. He dressed quickly, when he heard a sharp knock on the door.

- Jack? Are you in there?

It was Rick.

- Come in! I have something I need to tell you.

Rick opened the door.

- What was it?

Jack looked at Rick’s face, and his eyes swung open in terror. He knew where he had recognized the beast’s face. It was Rick. Rick Norgrass, this kind, yet strange, man would kill them all. Jack shook his head.

- You don’t happen to be one of the Blessed, Rick?

Rick smiled.

- You think I’d be here otherwise? I am the Sponge, and can adopt the power of others to use at will.

Jack sighed of relief. Rick was not the mad slayer.

- Anyway, Leander sent me here. It’s time for you to meet the rest of us.

[Guest Ixigo]

Wow. Just... wow.

 

I'm dumbfounded by the ingenuity of the DM2 system (reminds you of Dungeon Dice a bit, only better), although I'm not sure I understand all the mechanics perfectly well, I guess after the first few duels I'll catch up. The plot development is awesome, the militaristic atmosphere great, the only thing I'd like to mention is that things move perhaps a little too fast. Maybe you should spread things out a bit. But that's just me - I generally like slow developments, but there is no real issue with your rate.

 

Anyway... I'm just looking for minor details to correct here... maybe space out the paragraphs a bit, and work a bit on lenghtier dialogues... but they're fine, really. Just minor things.

 

Now, I can only repeat my perfect grading, since this fanfic is improving beyond what I expected... congratulations, really.

 

-Plot: 9.5/10 (NICE. Excellent development. I like it a lot)

-Characters: 8.5/10 (As I had predicted, they grew more interesting as the fanfic proceeded)

-Grammar / Syntax / Structure: 9.5/10 (Still no issues there. Space out the paragraphs a bit, and work on making some dialogues longer, and you're on your way for a full 10)

-Description: 9/10 (Great. Keep it at that, perhaps it will get boring if you add more)

-Dueling: 9.5/10 (Purely ingenious! Once I see a few more duels, this is guaranteed to get a 10)

-Overall: 9.2/10 (Not only are you doing an awesome job, but you're improving it! Definately keep this up!)

 

As I didn't get the chance to read and review each chapter individually, know that my reviews and ratings apply to all chapters from the one right after my last review.

[Umbra]

Thanks for the rating, Ixigo. I agree that I might speed up the plot a little, but I wanted to get the vision thing off my chest.

Anyway, I just started writing on Chapter Six, With Destiny.

Once again, I thank you for the rating.

 

And yes, for those of you that wonder; Some ideas are indeed taken from the Heroes seasons.

[Umbra]

If anyone actually reads this, could you please comment. I don't want this to die out.

[Umbra]

Jack and Rick walked along the corridors, from Jack’s room and several other doors. Suddenly, they ran into someone. It was Rodriguez, the man they had met the day before. He smiled.

- Up for the big match, Rick?

Rick nodded.

- Definitly. Leander’s in, aswell. The atmosphere down there will be so thick you’d be able to sink your teeth into it. I’ll meet you there.

Jack looked at Rodriguez, then at Rick.

- He’s one of us too, isn’t he?

Rick smiled.

- You think he’d be here and not be one of us?

Jack smiled.

- Point taken. Anyway, I suppose that means the tournament has been prepared for long?

- Understatement of the year, Jack. We’ve been working with this – mostly with finding the rest of us – for almost a decade now. At least Leander has.

Jack was stunned.

- A decade?

- And it all comes up to this. So do your best, Jack.

 

The two came forth to a double steel door, and Rick stepped to the left.

- Welcome, Jack, to the Main Hall.

The doors swung open, and Jack was stunned. All these people... Are they like me?

The room was crowded. Jack saw people from all over the world, a few Japanese, a mexican, and a few russian. Strangely enough, most of them were Americans.

- Rick, why are most of us American? I mean, since the Blessed were Norse, I thought that most of them would be from Scandinavia.

Rick shook his head.

- Haven’t got a clue. Anyway, take your seat. Leander’ll start any minute now.

Jack walked across the room, until he found his seat: A nametag was taped to the back of the chair. He sat down, but then heard a familiar voice.

- Jack! Hey!

Jack turned around. It was Carl, and behind him stood one of the Japanese men. This man had short, black hair, and sharp eyes. He was dressed in a white tux. Jack rose from his chair and walked up to them.

- Hi, Carl. Who’s this?

The japanese looked at Jack.

- I can introduce myself, thank you very much. I am Takake Hironima, but Leander and the rest call me “The Voice”.

- That seems strange, sort of.

Takake smiled.

- You’ll see why.

Suddenly, Jack could hear Takake within his ear.

- How about now, Jack?

His lips were moving normally, but the sound erupted within his ear. Jack tried to cover it, but it was worthless.

- Takake, stop it. He’s old, he can’t take that much.

It was Carl. Takake grinned.

- Fine. I’ll meet you later.

Then, Takake turned away and walked. Jack glared after him.

- I’ve met nicer people.

Carl nodded.

- Agree. But here, you got to make all the alliances you can, and Takake can prove useful.

- What do you mean-¨

Jack couldn’t finish the sentence, since Leander’s voice came forth from the speakers.

- Welcome, fellow Blessed. I am Damon Leander, owner of the Crystalfound Corporation, and creator of Duel Monsters, edition two.

The crowd smiled, most of them. Everyone who had been here for a while knew who Leander was.

- You have been gathered here, not only to protect you from Xon, which you no doubt have heard of, but also to try out the DM2 system with a tournament. I hope you will enjoy your time here. The tournament will start in a few minutes.

Suddenly, a piece of the short wall glided away, revealing a huge widescreen TV. The crowd was stunned.

- Here, you will see your opponents for the first round. You must defeat your opponent to proceed to the next round. A draw will require a rematch.

On the screen, a schedule suddenly appeared,showing the names of several people. Jack could see his own name, next to “Takake Hironima”. He smiled, but continued to gaze around. After a few seconds, he saw Carl’s name. My Gods...

Carl’s first match was up against Leander. Jack looked to Carl, and he was petrified. Jack understood him. Being pitched up against Leander in the first match? Tough break.

- The duels will start as soon as everyone gathers in the Dueling Hall. To get there, walk out through the east door – as he said this, a pair of doors on the far side of the room swung up – and follow the hallway to the left. Me and the rest of the staff will meet you there.

[Umbra]

I will need some replies if this thread is going to stay up. So please, anyone who reads this, please comment and rate. Next Chapter will probably be up today.

[SladePrinceton_Rockz]

AWESOME! I can't wait for the next chapter! I'm totally looking forward to it!!!!!!!:D

[Aethercide]

I never read this, but I liked it when I did!

[Umbra]

A few minutes later, everyone had gathered in the Dueling Hall. As he had said, Leander and the rest of his staff were there. He had smiled as the crowd entered the room, and then turned away and walked to his seat. The rest of the staff walked to their seats, but the newcomers just stood there. Suddenly, someone pointed at the back wall.

- Look! It’s the schedule!

Everyone looked at the back wall, and there indeed was a schedule there, projected onto the wall, along with a map of the room showing everyone’s positions. Jack nodded and walked away. He would have his first real duel against Takake, but he only smiled. The purpose of this tournament isn’t to find a winner, it’s to find Xon. And possibly to try out this new system. Jack then sat down at his seat, waiting for Takake.

- What’s up, Diviner?

It felt like Jack’s head exploded. Takake’s voice had came from inside his ear, pounding against his eardrum like a mallet. He fell down on the table, which immeadetly started to flash in various colours. The dueling field had already been activated, and around him, Jack could see that the others had already started. He slowly rose from the table.

- Let’s just start the match, Hironima, before we die of old age.

Takake glared at Jack, and his voice erupted within Jack’s ears once more.

- Fine. You can go first.

As expected, the decks glided out from the bottom edge of the table, and Jack placed his next to the dueling field. Takake, however, picked up a small device which he attached to his arm, and placed the deck inside it. Jack looked at the wondrous item.

- What’s that?

Takake smiled.

- It’s a Duel Generator. Didn’t Leander give you one? I suppose he only wants to give them to those he favor the most.

- Shut up, Hironima. We have a duel to complete.

- Do your thing, old man.

Jack drew six cards from the top of the deck, and watched Takake draw five from his.

- I begin by playing my Ancient Longbowman!

An archer appeared on the field, on the forth row. (Strength: 2.)

- I also use my Greed of Greed spell, allowing both of us to draw 1 card.

Jack drew a card, and so did Takake.

- And it’s your turn.

Takake drew a card, and he smiled.

- Alright, my move! And I start off grand! I summon Mechanic Blaster!

A great machine appeared on the field, only two squares ahead of the Longbowman. (Strength: 2) Suddenly, three circles on top of the Mechanic Blaster began to rapidly shift color. It stopped on red, green, and blue.

- As you can see, my Mechanic Blaster has a special effect. During every of my turns, the colors shift between red, green, and blue, giving it different effects depending on the colors and the number of colors. Now, it has three different effects, but only the weakest degree. But it’s more than enough to destroy you!

Jack stared at the machine. How did he get such a powerful monster in the first turn?

- Anyway, the effects activate! Blue One moves my monster one step ahead.

The Mechanical Blaster levitated a few feet above the ground, and moved one step ahead.

- Green One gives me one more card.

Takake drew a card.

- And finally, Red One increases my monster’s Attack Range and Strength by 1. Commence the battle!

Red, green, and blue lines began to spread across the field.

- Mechanical Blaster, destroy his weak Longbowman with Charge Conversion! (Blaster: (2 +1 vs. Longbowman 2) The Mechanical Blaster began to charge up a large beam of concentrated energy, and launched it at the Ancient Longbowman.

Jack smiled.

- I don’t think so. Activate Trap! Faith of Light!

- What?

A cloud of light appeared around the Longbowman. When the beam hit the light, it disappeared and came out on the other side.

- Faith of Light allows one of my monsters to dodge an incoming attack.

Takake looked at the red lines on the table, and smiled.

- I think you have forgot something, old man. The beam keeps going!

Jack didn’t understand at first, but then he looked down. The Blaster’s Attack Range reached all the way to his end of the table.

- No!

- That’s right, old man. You’re going down. Mechanical Blaster, go for the big treasure!

Jack saw the beam charge directly at him, and looked through his hand. There is nothing I can do!

- Argh!

The beam hit, and Jack saw the life counter drop rapidly from 10 to 7. Takake had managed to take out thirty percent of his Life Points in a single attack. Astonishing, but not helpful. Takake grinned at Jack.

- Your turn, old man.

 

Current Status: http://img212.imageshack.us/img212/8004/jackvstakakeround1ho0.jpg

 

Jack drew a card, and looked at the field. Takake’s Mechanic Blaster only has 2 Strength now, which is exactly the same as my Longbowman. But I got to destroy it before it gets too strong.

- I summon my Prediction Mage next to my Longbowman. (Strength: 1)

An old man dressed in a green robe appeared next to the archer.

- And, I play Life Force. If a player pays 1 Life Point, they can summon another monster during the same turn. And I do! I pay 1 Life Point to bring out Ancient Paladin! (Strength: 3)

Jack saw the life counter drop to 6, but he didn’t care.

A knight in shining armour appeared next to the Archer, but to his left.

- And now, I use Prediction Mage’s Special Ability! I tribute him, and then draw a card. If it’s a monster, I gain Life Points equal to it’s Strength!

Jack drew a card, and showed it to Takake.

- It’s my Goblin Warrior, who has a Strength of 2!

Jack saw his Life counter go up to 8. Takake glared at him.

- Doesn’t matter. The only one of your monsters that can defeat my Mechanic Blaster is that Paladin of yours, and it can’t reach.

Jack smiled.

- Guess again.

- What?

Takake suddenly saw the red line emerge from the Ancient Paladin and onto the Mechanic Blaster.

- Surprised, young one? My Ancient Paladin has a diagonal attack range aswell! Paladin, end his monster!

The paladin smiled at the big machine, then charged up to it and swung his legendary blade into it. The machine shambled to bits, and Takake grinned. His Life Counter fell to 9, but he only smiled at Jack.

- Anything more, old man? Now that your Paladin’s ahead of your Longbowman, it can’t attack.

Jack nodded.

- True indeed. I end my turn with a face-down card placed to the left of my Paladin.

Takake smiled, and drew a new card.

- I summon my Mechanical Operator, and use his effect. (Strength: 1) Which means, I can bring out a Machine from my hand if I have no other monsters out!

A man dressed in a laboratory coat and with grey, pointy hair and moustache appeared next to Takake.

- And I choose my Mecha Core! (Strength: 0)

A ball cloaked in steel and wires appeared next to the Operator. Jack looked confunded.

- What is the point in a monster that can’t attack?

Takake grinned.

- Only a few of the Mechanical monsters rely on attack. The rest use their effects! Mecha Core, activate! Target: Ancient Paladin!

The ball dropped to the ground, then rolled up to the Paladin. It lept up from the ground, and landed on the Paladin’s back. Suddenly, the Paladin’s eyes began to glow, and turned towards the Longbowman. Jack stared in grief at the process.

- What’s happening?

Takake laughed briefly.

- My Mecha Core’s Special Ability! I can sacrifice it to take control of one of your monsters that are on my side of the field. Now, Ancient Paladin, destroy his monster! Slash!

The Paladin swung his blade, but was met by the stare of the archer. The paladin backed off, and fell down on the ground. Then, he vanished. The Longbowman knelt on the floor, but rose again. Takake glared at the sight.

- I didn’t get that.

- Simple ability rules, Hironima. An “Ancient” monster may decrease it’s Strength by 1 whenever they’re attacked to destroy the attacking monster and block off the attack.

Takake sighed.

- Maybe Leander should have worked a little more on those cards. That’s so overpowered.

- Perhaps, but it doesn’t mean it’s not allowed.

Takake looked down at his hand.

- I’ll end it there.

 

Current Situation: http://img227.imageshack.us/img227/8158/jackvstakakeround2lc3.jpg

Jack nodded at Takake, and drew a card.

- I’ll attack with Ancient Longbowman directly at you.

The archer picked up his bow, and aimed at Takake. The Attack Range reached, but barely.

- Fire!

Takake looked at the arrow setting off, and then at his decreasing Life Counter, which stopped at 8. Jack smiled.

- Looks like we’re equal. I’ll end it there.

Takake nodded, then drew a card.

- Since I have no monsters out, I can summon a new Machine from my hand, thanks to Mechanical Operator. I think I’ll choose... Mechanical Twin Cannon! (Strength: 3)

A four-wheeled vehicle with two cannons mounted on top of it appeared a few squares ahead of the Longbowman.

- And now, for the Normal Summon, I’ll bring out Mechanical Warrior! (Strength: 2)

A robotic man holding a rifle appeared next to the Twin Cannon.

- Now, commence Battle! Twin Cannon, attack Longbowman!

The Twin Cannon’s Attack Range reached out to the archer, and two squares further.

- Fire!

Two large beams erupted from the cannons, covering the Longbowman in light.

- And since I happen to know that Faith of Light can’t be used on the same monster twice, your Longbowman is out! The Ancient effect doesn’t apply either, since that would make your monster’s Strength 0, which isn’t allowed!

Jack sighed. His Life Counter had dropped to 6. Takake smiled at him. The Longbowman had vanished.

- I’m not done yet. Warrior, attack Jack directly! Warrior’s a Long Range monster, just like your Longbowman.

His attack range reached out to the other end of the table, and Takake smiled.

- Rifle Blast!

Jack growled as his Life Counter fell to 4. I must think of something, and fast! But what can I do?

 

Current Situation: http://img81.imageshack.us/img81/1284/jackvstakakeround3xn9.jpg

[Umbra]

Jack looked down at his deck. Is there anything there that can save me? Takake smiled.

- Your turn, old man.

Jack drew a new card, then looked at his hand.

- I activate a spell card, The Path!

A bright light came forth just ahead of Jack.

- Now, before I draw, I can select a card in my deck and place it on top of the deck.

- What?

- True it is, Hironima. However won’t be able to use it until next turn, since I’ve already drawn a card this turn, but I won’t end it there! I summon my Goblin Warrior in my back line.

A green-skinned warrior dressed in leather armor and wearing a one-handed sword appeared just infront of Jack.

- And that’s it. I’ll end there.

Takake drew a new card, and looked at his hand.

- I activate Mechanical Perfection! By tributing any number of monsters with “Mechanical” in it’s name, I can summon one of the strongest monsters in my deck! I tribute Mechanical Twin Cannon, Mechanical Warrior and Mechanical Operator, to summon my Mechanical King! (Strength: 6)

Jack stared at the card. That’s strong indeed, but how? Takake glared at him.

- I see that you can’t understand. My Mechanical King’s Strength becomes equal to the Strength of those I tributed for him. My Twin Cannon had 3, my Warrior had 2, and my Operator had 1. Therefore, my King gets a Strength of 6. Now, King, end this!

The Attack Range reached out, but didn’t reach the Goblin Warrior or Jack’s Life. Jack smiled.

- I guess that ability comes with a price, Hironima. You finished yet?

Takake glared at his King, but smiled.

- I guess not. Your turn, old man.

 

Current Situation: http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/6916/jackvstakakeround4nc8.jpg

 

Jack glanced at the field. Takake’s Mechanical King frightened him, but he knew he could take it down. Somehow. He looked at The Path.

- I choose to activate The Path’s effect. And I choose... Mirage Spirit!

Jack was almost certain that Rick - or whoever made these decks - had put it there. It was a guess as good as anyone. He looked through his deck, found it close to the end, and placed it on top of the deck. Jack drew the card, and smiled. Mirage Spirit, finally on my hand.

- Now, I summon Mirage Spirit! (Strength: 3)

As close as Takake’s Mechanical King as it could get, a somewhat swirly purple ghost appeared. It glared at the great machine that stood infront of it. It only stopped two squares ahead. Takake smiled.

- That’s the fearsome creature that you think can defeat me? Your only chance of hope?

Jack nodded, then looked at the spirit.

- You’ll see. I end my turn.

Takake looked at the Mirage Spirit, then drew a card. He smiled.

- I’m afraid your spirit can’t harm my King. Because I activate Mechano-Spirit! Until the end of my turn, a monster I select is unharmed by effects. And I choose my Mechanical King!

The Mechanical King began to glow purple, and it’s eyes were burning.

- And to finish you off, I summon Mechanical Workforce in my forth line. (Strength: 1)

A group of robots dressed in working clothes and crash helmets appeared a few squares next to the Mechanical King. They nodded briefly at the giant robot.

- Now, Mechanical King, destroy his Mirage Spirit!

Jack smiled, and tapped at the Mirage Spirit.

- I don’t think so. Mirage Spirit’s ability kicks in. Target: Mechanical Workforce.

- What?

The King ran up at the Mirage Spirit, but suddenly the ghost disappeared and was replaced by the Workforce. The King saw it, but couldn’t stop in time and crashed into the Workforce. Takake saw his Life Counter drop to 3.

- Once per turn, when my Mirage Spirit’s attacked, by switching position with a target, it can redirect the attack to the target and let that monster’s controller take the damage. Looks like I got a two-fer.

Takake glared at the Mirage Spirit.

- Blast-ended mechanics, I end my turn.

 

Current Situation: http://img180.imageshack.us/img180/1160/jackvstakakeround5ju0.jpg

 

Jack drew a new card. He didn’t use The Path, since it was completely unnecessary.

- I attack you directly with Mirage Spirit. This duel is over.

Takake staired in fear as the Mirage Spirit flew out and clawed it’s way into his Life Counter.

Takake saw his counter drop to 0. He had lost. He couldn’t believe it, but he had lost.

 

Final Status:

Jack Underton: LP 3

Takake Hironima: LP 0

 

Jack rose from the table and walked away. Leander had told them on the way to the Dueling Hall that when a duel had ended, the winner would walk away and exit through the far doors. However, Takake’s voice exploded from within his ears, and he knew he would remember them forever.

- The Beast’s hunting you, Diviner. He’ll come for you, and he won’t stop until you’re dead. Long dead. He can see you, Diviner. He’ll come in your dreams, and kill you from within. You’re not safe anywhere.

He turned to Takake, but he was looking the other direction, at the other wall. Did he know of his vision? Did he know Xon’s name? Or worse, was he Xon?

[Umbra]

Bump.

[Umbra]

Jack walked through the double doors, and heard them slam shut behind him. But he couldn't get Takake's threat out of his head. Would Xon be able to do that? Enter his dreams, alter his person? What kind of manipulating power could that require?

He looked through the winner's room, to see who had won the first round. With no great surprise, he saw Leander standing a few feet away. He sighed. Carl had lost his duel. Jack walked up to him and was about to say hello, but then he suddenly fell down on the floor. He felt like his head was burning, and the last thing he saw before fading out were bright shining legs a few inches from his feet.

 

Suddenly, Jack found himself on top of a large facility, surrounded by a thick steel wall and white fog within it. Wind. This is Crystalfound. But when? He looked out, away from the facility and the walls, and stared in fear. Beyond, the world was burning. The ground itself was glowing with a sick red colour, and the once so beautiful trees were turned into ashes. Jack gasped in fear.

- What has done this? Anyone?

- Who are you?

Jack turned around, and saw a man in his mid-thirties, with striped, black hair and a stressed face. He was wearing a black T-shirt, jeans, and leather gloves. But Jack only saw the nametag. Two words were listed there, but Jack came to a sudden realise as he read them: Carl Huffin.

- Carl?

The man nodded, but rose his gun, which he had kept in it's holster, and pointed it at Jack.

- Who are you, and how did you get here? Answer or you will be terminated.

Jack only stared at the gun.

- My name is... Jack. Jack Underton.

Carl lowered the gun, and looked Jack in the face.

- Jack? Oh gods, it's you! Come here, Shade would want to know everything. Did you find the cure?

Jack's eyes were blank.

- The what? And who?

Carl smiled.

- Really funny, Jack. You've been out there for weeks now, I didn't even recognize you. Where did you get those clothes, by the way?

Jack shook his head.

- I'm sorry, Carl, but I don't have the slightest idea of what you are talking about.

- Carl smiled again, but the smile faded slowly as he realised.

You really don't know.

Jack nodded.

- This might shock you, Carl, but I think I'm from the past. The latest thing I remember is me leaving the first round of the tournament-

Carl gasped.

- The tournament? When we first got here?

Jack nodded.

- That would be it.

- That day was a day the rest of us don't want to remember, Jack. Not even the you I know from this time. Xon came after us on that day. He killed Leander, Rick, and even...

A single tear appeared in Carl's eye. Jack's eyes flung open in shock.

Leander... Rick... dead? How could...how could he...

He shook his head and try to cover up the tears, but with no success. He looked at Carl, and his eyes were red.

- When are we? I mean, what year is it?

Carl nodded.

- The year is 2026, late April.

Jack was shocked, and sat down. I've jumped twenty years into the future! But how? I can only predict the future, not enter it!

- We should be going. Someone might spot us here. Follow me, and I'll take you to Thought. He has the best memory of all of us, so he'll brief you on all you need to know.

Jack nodded, and together they walked into a hatch in the roof and down into the building.

 

As they were walking along the familiar corridors, many eyes were drawn to Jack. Apparently, they thought that he was the Future Jack that yet hadn't returned from this mission of his. They stopped at a steel door, where Carl stepped to the left.

- He should be in there.

The door swung open, and Jack entered. On a chair on the other side of the room sat an old Latino man with black-greyish hair and a tired face. However, he seemed familiar somehow.

- Rodriguez?

The old man, who seemed to be asleep, suddenly woke up and looked at Jack.

- Diviner? Is it you?

Jack smiled. It was Rodriguez indeed, he had seen that by now.

- Both yes and no. I'm Diviner, but not the one you know. I travelled here from the past. However, I don't know how.

Rodriguez coughed, then looked at Jack.

- Past, you say?

Jack nodded.

- I come from the twenty-first of May in 2007, the exact day where Rick and Leander were killed. Carl told me everything about it.

Rodriguez coughed again.

- Rick and Leander? How about you?

Jack looked confounded.

- What do you mean, Rodriguez?

- You're dead, Jack. Xon killed you on that day.

Jack's eyes burst open.

- What?

Jack couldn't believe it. Not after what he had heard.

- But Carl said that he recognized me. That Shade had given me a mission.

Rodriguez smiled.

- They still think you weren't killed on that day. That you managed to escape. But I saw you die. I saw you. I saw Xon drain your power, and cause all this. Then, he shapeshifted – no doubt after he had killed poor Mirror, the sad fellow – into you. Not Leander, not Rick, but you. Think about it, Jack. Think about it. The one that everyone else thinks is you? That's Xon. For now, he's hiding in the outside world, hunting down the only one that managed to flee that day.

Jack stared.

- Who was that?

- Your old friend, Takake Hironima. He's hiding somewhere in Tokyo right now, for all I know. Apart from me, Carl, and a few others, he's the only one of the original Blessed still alive.

- “Original” Blessed?

Rodriguez nodded.

- After Xon had killed Leander, the power of the Blessed spread like a virus all over the world. More or less everyone has a power these days. However, none of them has a power like yours. Your power has extreme potential, Jack. Too bad you got yourself killed back then, or else we would have lived to see it. You would have, at least.

Jack was disturbed.

- But if Xon drained my power, doesn't that mean he'll be able to optimize it, just like I would have?

Rodriguez shook his head.

- Don't think so. Xon can only use the power on the same status as he drained it. So he can only predict the future, and only slightly affect time. But you'll be able to do so much more. Therefore, you must go back.

- Go back? How can I go back? The future has already been set, how can anything I do change it?

- What makes you think the future has already been set, Jack? You have already taken a step away from the past I saw. You traveled here. The Jack I knew couldn't do that. You've changed the course of time, Jack. Now see what has happened to the past.

Jack could only stare at Rodriguez. He's right. If I go back, I might be able to change all this! - I guess you're right.

Jack then closed his eyes, and suddenly vanished with a loud bang. The door swung open a few seconds later, and Carl rushed through it.

- What happened? Where's Jack?

Rodriguez smiled.

- Oh, he's just where he belongs.

As he spoke, his skin began to alter itself, turning dark as the night and his eyes glowing red. Even his clothes changed.

- Just like you, Carl. Just like you.

- Xon? It's impossible!

Xon smiled.

- In a world like ours, nothing is impossible. You should have known that by know. Well, I'll take you down anyway.

Carl tried to scream, but not a word came out. He only stared as the man he had feared for so many years finally had came to him, and he passed out on the floor. Xon walked over to Carl, and placed his right palm on his back. Strange waves began to curl through Carl's body, and it began to shake violently. Then, it stopped moving. He smiled.

- One down.

He smiled as he felt The Path run through his blood. He was now fully able to locate everyone in the world.

- Three to go.

[Guest Ixigo]

Excellent.

 

I'm glad to see you took me up on my advice and improved your work.

 

Also, the pics make it like, sooo much easier to keep track of stuff. Excellent idea, you are full of pleasant surprises.

 

On random notes... even though your grammar is nigh-flawless, the way you structure your paragraphs seems problematic at times... definately needs spacing out, man... it'd make it so much easier to read. Just press Enter twice instead of once when changing lines. There were a few syntax issues, not really mistakes, but things that you could have worded better, certain repetition of words in the same sentence that made me frown a little... keep an eye out for such things, even though they are minor, they can really make the difference between Perfect and EPIC.

 

The dueling is structured perfectly, the images adding a lot of points in it, you use a wide variety of original ideas, effects, monsters and a whole new gameplay... I think it's safe to say that you have achieved perfection in that area within the concept of your fanfic. Don't let your guard down though - keep it up, or your grade will drop.

 

Your description could use a little work, mostly in quality, since abusing description lenght may add up to a boring fanfic. Just try to expand your vocabulary a little.

 

The characters are also improving, adding their own flavor in the already rich storyline, complicating it with intricate threads that all tie in nicely into the main plot. Excellent.

 

Grading Time.

 

-Plot: 9.5/10 (A masterpiece around these forums.)

-Characters: 9/10 (Variety, originality, intriguing backgrounds, promising development.)

-Grammar / Syntax / Structure: 9/10 (Space out the paragraphs, work on vocabulary, maybe double-proof-read a few sentences to improve the syntax.)

-Description: 9/10 (Only complaint would be the relatively limited use of complex vocabulary in descriptions.)

-Dueling: 10/10 (Perfect.)

-Overall: 9.3 (Gradually, steadily improving. You are doing a great job - do not let the relative lack of replies discourage you. Definately keep this up - I will still be an avid reader and reviewer)

[Umbra]

So, I should pretty much continue what I do now, maybe cut down on description length and read through the sentences? If so, thank you for your advice.

[God Kaiba™]

I liked them they were very interesting, amusing and very well structured i'd give all the chapters 10/10 well done and must of took a long time to make seeing there are 7-8 chapters with about 100 words in each!!!!:-)

[Umbra]

A 100 words? I think you underestimate this, but still. I have sentences containing more than 100 words.

 

Thanks for the rating.

[Guest Ixigo]

So' date=' I should pretty much continue what I do now, maybe cut down on description length and read through the sentences? If so, thank you for your advice.

[/quote']

 

No, don't cut down on description lenght. The lenght is just fine, you might want to expand your vocabulary a little. I'm just saying that I don't think it would be particularly worth it to make descriptions longer. And yeah, reading through each sentence exactly after you write it is a good way to prevent small mistakes and flaws, and change some wording to something better. Other than that, I don't think there's anything else you can improve on - just make sure you keep it at this level.

 

@God Kaiba: His chapters are much longer than 100 words.

[Umbra]

Ok, more variation in description. Got it. (I hope.)

[Cyber Altair]

i like it but i dislike only one thing, that's each chapter is to long making it a little boring and discouraging sometimes and we have to wait long till we read the next chapter.

(if you check my fanfic, it's short and entirtaning and yet not too short but it's enought to be posted on daily basis making it more exiting).