Victory.Fighter Posted October 2, 2009 Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 [align=center][spoiler=Book 1: Heart Eclipse][spoiler= Prologue]The blade of the knife reflected the light of the dim lamp. A middle-aged woman approached a small, sleeping figure. The woman's eyes glowed blood red as she made her move. She slowly took the knife and held it against the face of the small figure. As the cold knife pressed against the figure's face, it awakened. It's green eyes opened slowly. "Mother, what are you doing?" asked the small figure with a curious, young voice. "I'm..." struggled the mother as she tried to tell her child what she was doing. "I'm preparing you my son." "For what mother?" Blood squirts over the lamp, the boy screaming in pain. The mother's eyes became black and she collapsed, leaving the boy... alone. The boy looked at his mother's body in shock. He felt so much pain and confusion. All of a sudden, smoke started steaming out of the freshly cut flesh. The boy screamed, believing that he was feeling the pain that one felt when they were about to die. Suddenly the pain stopped. The boy walked over to a mirror, he saw his face. There was a large, red, spiral shaped, mark between his left eye and ear. He toughed his face were the scar was and it began to glow bright red. The boys green eyes became gold, and his brown hair became white. Just then the clock struck midnight. 5 years later... A dashing young man sat up straight, his eyes closed, his hands folded nicely on his lap. Across the way a firm man with gray, piercing eyes starred at the gentlemen sitting in his office. A fine wood table between the two men. The only light source was a lamp. "Are you insane?" asked the man waiting for a response from his younger counterpart. "Absolutely not, I strongly believe that I should not be arrested." responded the gentlemen brushing his dark, chestnut colored hair out of his eyes. "Your entire argument is based on the theory that I have another personality! I'm clearly not possessed so such a thing is impossible!" "Why the hell do you keep staring at that lamp!" "Oh, sorry. You said yourself that the culprit was listed as a man with white hair, and golden eyes. You know I can't rearrange my physical features." "Eyewitnesses say they saw the boy vanish and you appear!" "You have absolutely no proof, now if that is all I will be leaving." The young man left the stone building. "The police don't have any evidence that I robbed that bank." thought the young man. "Good, as long as this keeps up I'll be rich in no time. Mother, sometimes I wonder what you intended me to do with this scar. I don't really care though, I'm quite content as a modern day Robin Hood. The young man thought to himself quite frequently. He finally arrived home. The young man walked in to his house greeted by a warm hug. "James!" shouted a small girl in delight "Afternoon Ms. Emily." responded James "Where is you sister?" "Upstairs, when you get done talking to her will you come play with me." "Yes, I will." James walked upstairs. "What it is like to be ten." Knock! "James! Happy birthday!" A young woman opened the door. "Thank you Ms. Lucy." "James, I told you to stop calling me Ms." "It would be horrible for a butler to call they're master by her name." "James... Please, stop. You are my friend not my servant!" "That may have been true when we were children, but I'm eighteen now." "You’re annoying me!" "But Ms...." Slap! "I asked you to stop!" "As you wish." Lucy slammed the door shut. "Believe me Lucy, I don't want this any more than you do." [spoiler=Chapter 1]"Almost midnight..." thought James. James sat on a high rooftop. He watched the few citizens below. There was a a couple of teenagers sitting on a bench, kissing. A Family of three with a female child walking home. Finally there was a boy, leaning against a street lamp. James looked at the boy, about 13. He thought back five years ago. The day his mother gave him the scar. He peeled a small patch of fake skin of his face, revealing a spiral between his left eye and left ear. James looked at his wristwatch that he wore upside down. One minute left until midnight. He looked at the boy again, seeing the boy crying. He thought back to the tears he dropped that night. James placed his hands into the pockets of his tuxedo. James walked down the steps from the roof to the bottom floor. He left the old, abandoned building. He started to approach the boy. "What is wrong?" asked James kneeling so he would be eye to eye with the boy. "What?" The boy looked up, embarrassed. The boy rubbed his eyes trying to make it seem like he was just tired. "Nothing, I'm fine." The boy wore a watch that began to beep, telling the boy it was midnight. The boy looked at his watch, then looked back were James had been. There was no one there. James was however behind a close by tree. James became overheated, he waited to long, it was now twelve o' one. James knew that if he waited any longer he would burst into flames. He quickly touched his scar, and waited. His chestnut colored hair was replaced with hair whiter than snow, his green eyes became gold. James stood up straight, fixed his tie, and walked out from behind the tree. The boy looked at James thinking he was someone else. James looked at the boy, his supernatural eyes saw inside the boys heart. there was no innocence in the boy, yet no darkness either. "You must carry a great weight of sadness for your heart to be so cold." "What do you mean?" "Your innocence is dying. Never let that happen, no matter what never abandon innocence." James started to walk away. "Wait who are you?" James took a small card out of his chest pocket. He threw the card at the boy. The boy caught the card and read what was written on it. "I am Midnight." said James James walked away. The boy, speechless, stood up. He watched James walk away, he thought about what he had told him. The boy started walking home. As James was walking he saw the family of three. He looked at the little girl. 5 years and 1 day earlier, 12:00 pm "James, stop!" said a twelve year old Lucy. "Why?" asked James "I'm just messing around." "It's not funny!" said Lucy "Give her back!" "Fine, here." James gave Lucy a pink, stuffed, rabbit toy. "Just because your thirteen doesn't mean you can be a jerk!" 5 years and 1 day later, 12:03 am James kept walking, he passed the two teenagers that were kissing. 3 years, 1 day earlier 7:22 pm "Come on, follow me." said James James was pulling Lucy by the hand, she was trying to keep up. "We shouldn't be here!" said Lucy trying to pull away. "We're here." James pulled Lucy close to him. They were in the forest, deer were walking by, birds were chirping. "I have to get home James..." Just then James leaned in and kissed Lucy to which she returned the gesture. The fall leaves blowing in the wind. 3 years and 1 day later, 12:04 James passed the couple, and arrived at his destination. James walked in to a building to which a person behind a counter immediately pulled a revolver. "Your not robbing this bank!" said the man behind the counter. The man shot the gun, the bullet hit James directly between the eyes. [spoiler=Chapter 2]Coming Oct. 10 [spoiler=Chapter 3]Coming Oct. 17 [spoiler=Chapter 4]Coming Oct. 24 [spoiler=Chapter 5]Coming Oct. 31 [spoiler=Chapter 6]Coming Nov. 7 [spoiler=Chapter 7]Coming Nov. 14 [spoiler=Chapter 8]Coming Nov. 21 [spoiler=Chapter 9]Coming Nov. 28 [spoiler=Chapter 10]Coming Dec. 5 [spoiler=Epilogue]Coming Dec. 5 [spoiler=Book 2: Hero's Redemption]Coming Jan. 2, 2010 [spoiler=Book 3: The Path to Heaven]Coming April 3, 2010 [/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenrir Posted October 2, 2009 Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 I only needed to glance at the first sentence. Use. A. Bigger. Font. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted October 2, 2009 Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 I only needed to glance at the first sentence. Use. A. Bigger. Font. I could not agree more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victory.Fighter Posted October 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 The fact that your complaining about the font tells me already that I don't like you. The font has been changed so you can see it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenrir Posted October 2, 2009 Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 The fact that your complaining about the font tells me already that I don't like you. The font has been changed so you can see it. I'm debating whether you are an idiot, or not right now. Currently, my instincts tell me you are. First of all, no one will want to read a fiction with a font that hurts/annoys the eyes. Not saying they can't read it, they can, but they will most likely not want to. Second of all, the only problem I can find in your fiction is that you lack descriptive writing. So, far, in the first paragraph, all I know is that there is a woman holding a knife against a boy. Where are they? Describe the room a bit. Go more in-depth. Also, if you can't take constructive criticism, you shouldn't even post your fiction in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victory.Fighter Posted October 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 Not putting descriptive detail was hard as hell to do! I kept wanting to explain everything around them but I cant yet. I never said I couldn't take the criticism I just said I didn't like you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenrir Posted October 2, 2009 Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 Not putting descriptive detail was hard as hell to do! I kept wanting to explain everything around them but I cant yet. I never said I couldn't take the criticism I just said I didn't like you. Insulting/saying that you hate someone just because they gave you advice means that you can't take criticism. Then practice. Practicing will help you with description. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victory.Fighter Posted October 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 That is not what I meant. I cant give description because If I do now, then chapter 2 will be useless. PS I didn't say I hated you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted October 2, 2009 Report Share Posted October 2, 2009 That is not what I meant. I cant give description because If I do now' date=' then chapter 2 will be useless. PS I didn't say I hated you.[/quote'] There's something called the "edit button." You should get acquainted with it. And I invoke the Jack Witt Clause. If you can't take crit, then get out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Victory.Fighter Posted October 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 Well this is getting pointless. I only said I didn't like Fenrir, its not like I'm cursing him out or anything. Plus, has anyone but him actually reviewed the story? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 Well this is getting pointless. I only said I didn't like Fenrir' date=' its not like I'm cursing him out or anything. Plus, has anyone but him actually reviewed the story?[/quote'] If you wouldn't be such an ass about it, we would. Be nice to your readers; it helps. However, the pacing of the story is incredibly rushed. If you're gonna use so many timeskips, at least have a bit more in between each one. Also, your writing style makes it difficult to distinguish between which characters are being referred to. I like the twists in the beginning, but it then gets boring pretty fast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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