Madswordbeast Posted September 23, 2009 Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 Prologue:The story starts with a duelist known as Zero(a tall male teenager with short curly white hair, red eyes, and a black t-shirt (black t-shirt is all he ever wears, luckily he washes it everyday too...))and blue jeans), whose girlfriend, Sola(a medium height girl teenager with brown long hair and blue-eyes who wears a different shirt everyday and a pair a blue jeans), had just been kidnapped, he finds out abouts Sola's captor, Zarto(a tall male adult with green eyes and a black long jacket, and red medium hair), and challenges him to a duel, but unfortunately for Zarto, Zero is a duelist known worldwide for his Divine Dragon "The Sand Dragon Saurto". Chapter One, "Zarto & Lort":"Meet you in hell!" says Zero as he plays The Sand Dragon Saurto."Damnet" said Zarto."Now Sand Dragon Saurto, Sandy Flame!" Screams Zero as the dragon made of sand shoots a giant trunade of sand and fire."Damn it all!" Shouts Zarto as his life points drop to zero."NOW, GET OUT!" Yelled Zero with rage."Th-thanks Zero" Says Sola."Damnet, you ok Sola?" Asks Zero."Yea," Says Sola."Good, you know if anything bad ever happened to you I would never forgive myself," Said Zero."Z-Zero, I love you" Said Sola."I, I love you too" Said Zero."How touching," Said a strange man."My name is Lort(looks just like Zarto but with blue eyes), I'm the twin brother of Zarto, you know that man you just dueled, we're coming for you two, both of you," Said Lort as he disappears into the shadows."What the-" Says Zero"-Zero" Says another strange man."Those two were from an Orginazation know as "Sand Duelists" they're after your "Sand Dragon" and Sola's "Sand Blade" follow me I'll explain more later," Says the stranger"Why should we trust you? for all we know you could be working with them," Replies Zero"This is why" The stranger says showing him a card with a warrior with sand dripping from him."Sand Warrior?!!?" Exlaims Zero in disbelief."That's right Zero, it's me Anet(looks just like Sola except taller, hair is short and black)," Says Anet.Anet!" Exlaim Zero and Sola at the same time(probably because Anet was Zero's best friend and Sola's brother, he also left them Sand Dragon Saurto and Sand Blade before he left, though he never told them why, they believe it was for an important reason)"Like I said I'll explain when we get there," Coming Next...Chapter Two, "Zero's Dispair" Please leave me some feedback to improve my Fan Fic, I'd love to read some ideas for my next chapter. I expect I'll have the next one done soon one day 4 tops, sometimes i put alot of things off. Sand Dragon Saurto: No i don't take credit for the picture in the card but, I do take credit for the card itself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yankee Posted September 23, 2009 Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 Uh....I have a feeling you where watching Code Geass when you made this.This needs help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madswordbeast Posted September 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 No...I wasn't I like that show but I've only seen it twice why?please, please don't tell me those are all characters on Code Geass if it is this is not gonna be good... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yankee Posted September 23, 2009 Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 Well,The Zero charecter, and a little of the storyline is kind of similar, but it's not that bad ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madswordbeast Posted September 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 cool thanks Zero's just a character i made for a game he has this ability to touch a persons chest and their heart beats 0 times a second causing them to die...ive been using his name ever since ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yankee Posted September 23, 2009 Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 Uh..Thats a random little power. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madswordbeast Posted September 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 lol yea thanksbut that power's not in the game Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted September 23, 2009 Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 That was depressingly short... and weak. You don't give any description, so I suppose the main characters are all Chester Cheetah look-alikes, and they live in a giant pie. You misspelled like hell and you gave us only the bare minimum of story. Plus, no backstory? Saying it's 'not that bad' is totally wrong; I can't tell what this is about!! Wait... maybe if I re-write the story... Zero fights Zerto (heh, I just noticed the dumb names are so alike!!) duel, and then he summons a sand dragon who shoots fire and sand (NEVER use the same word twice in a sentence unless it's for comedy appeal) and Zero kisses his girlfriend who was APPARENTLY IN DANGER, then the bad guys brother appears and walks away before ANOTHER good guy comes up, talks about their so-called LEGENDARY CARDS!! and then it ends. THAT'S IT?! What's so special about sand cards? What was wrong with his girlfriend? Why did the brother just happen to show up? Why did he bad guy just make a stupid monlogue about 'WE'RE COMMIN' FOR YA!!' instead of ACTUALLY coming for them? How did they get the cards in the first place? Please answer all of these questions in a GOOD first chapter in a NON-STEREOTYPICAL MANNER, like their grandparents gave them the cards. It just don't work like that these days... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madswordbeast Posted September 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 i wrote Anet gave them the cardsidk how to show you the cards but Sand Dragon has 4500 atk points and if its special summoned during your opponets turn you can automatically do damage equal to Sand Dragons atk (4500) which ended the duel.Sand Blade gives Sand Warrior (who has 2000 atk)3000 more atk points and you can fuse Sand Dragon with Sand Warrior to creat Dragon Rider of Sand who has 7000 atk points and can equip Sand Blade aswell...and the "Were coming for you" thing is so i can stretch the story among several chapters instead of one big childrens story...if your going to ask stupid questions first read the whole thing, and consider many things such as does a writer want you to buy 1 book for 10 dollars? no he wants you to buy 5 books for 60 dollars so think before posting feedback like this...but the description thing i will do lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted September 23, 2009 Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 The way you said they got the cards was VERY easy to miss. You gave us a single sentence. I think that it would be better if you re-started the story when they got the cards in the first place. Not when the girl was taken, not right after a duel, start it where it NEEDS to start. Plus, why does an evil group need cheap cards? To win duels? It would make sense if they were made for a real purpose, like to contain super-secret government codes that could control a nuclear missile. DON'T STEAL THAT IDEA!! Ha ha. Anyways, you're saying that writers want you to buy 4 more volumes than you normally would at twice the cost? Either you're saying that ALL authors are greedy, or your math is off. But your comment about 'we're coming for you' was a pretty crappy excuse, sadly. This is prety obviously your first fic, but if you look around at some other stories, I never go easy on reviewing new writers because if you drill them with whatever they're screwing up on, then they know what to fix for sure. Just saying "It's good" and "It's bad" doesn't help at all, and so, I hope that it explains my approach, and it's worked at least a little bit, since you're gonna work on your description, I see. One last thing I tell people: If you want to be taken seriously as an author, fix your grammar in your NORMAL posts as well. Just a tip~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madswordbeast Posted September 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 23, 2009 ok i see i seeSPOILERS INVOLVED SPOILER ALERT the reason they want them is so they can control the world...the way it works is in egypt there is a tomb (containing the God of Sand) if you put those cards into 3 slots on the coffin it will summon the God of Sand with a sand blade a pet sand dragon and an army of sand warriors...and i will change where it starts that is a smart idea and that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madswordbeast Posted September 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 changed my mind about the changing where it starts :Pbut as you can see i added my card to the post.heres sand sworder, sand bladeonce again not my picture!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted September 24, 2009 Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 It's good to see that I've helped improve this a bit, but if I might suggest something: Maybe the Sand Blade should be better, but with a major drawback: It increases ATK by 6000, but you lose at the end of the turn. You can negate the effects of other cards by sacrificing 500 life points per card, so it has a redeeming feature. All awesome cards should have drawbacks, but ways to avoid them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madswordbeast Posted September 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 24, 2009 eh, maybe another time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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