I need help writing a fanfic!

[destron]

How's this?

 

 

“C’mon Seto!”

“Sorry Mokuba, but I’m having trouble with my own deck right now.”

The sun shone through the huge window, illuminating the large office that was Seto Kaiba’s. Seto Kaiba, a stern looking young man, was sitting in his chair, staring at a single duel monsters card in his hand. A mess of cards was strewn about his desk, in no order what so ever. Mokuba Kaiba, a boy of about 9, was standing next to the large black chair that his brother had been sitting in for almost two days, with few breaks to go to the restroom. Mokuba was shaking his brother’s arm, and complaining about how he wouldn’t make it anywhere in the tournament if Seto didn’t help him build a “killer deck” as Mokuba liked to say.

“Seto, you don’t have any of those cards!”

The card Seto had been staring at was a fusion monster. So Seto had made a quest to find both fusion material monsters.

He looked them up on his laptop, searched countless databases, and spent hours scouring his personal collection. Nothing. Mokuba had searched with his big brother for a few hours, then gave up.

“Seto, if I’m going to get anywhere in the upcoming tournament, I need you to help me build my deck! C’mon, I need help.”

Seto abruptly stood up and looked out the window. “Yugi.”

“What about Yugi?” Mokuba looked up at his brother.

“He has these cards. I can feel it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Mokuba, I’m leaving you in charge of the company while I’m gone.”

“Me?”

“No, the other Mokuba. Yes you!” Seto reached in his pocket and pulled out a single key and handed it to Mokuba, who stared at it in awe. Then Seto scooped up the jumble of cards and placed them neatly into his deck case. He attached the small case to his belt and then took the last card that he had been entranced with for so long, and he carefully slipped the card into his deck case.

“Cya Mokuba.” Seto Kaiba, owner of Kaiba Corp, left the 40 story building that he treasured without another word.

 

 

Also, if I say a card in a paragraph, should I put a pic/info of the card in a spoiler below the paragraph or something?

[Eury]

I'm going to guess the fusion is Dark Paladin? Anyway, you need to double space your paragraphs and make your chapters longer. Just do that and it'll be okay. Check my fic to see what I mean. It's the Rise of the Light Assassin's.

[bury the year]

1) Too short.

2) Seto Kaiba owns Kaiba Corp, one of the world's largest dueling companies and second only to I2. If there's a card he doesn't have, he will be able to get it with the snap of a finger.

3) Why would Kaiba, or any self-respecting multi-billionaire and Magnificent Bastard, go to Yugi, his rival in dueling and the one person he despises the most?

4) Is it really necessary to leave control of your company to your incompetent little brother while you're going away on a perceivably-quick errand?

5) Unless Kaiba has a sixth sense, he wouldn't "know" that Yugi has these cards which are seemingly so important.

[destron]

davidroof1: thanks! actually i don't really know wat the fusion monster was. its just a writing sample i did in like 5 minutes, idk.

 

Rinne: its a sample. have u even seen the anime? kaiba doesn't have every card, he's not even close. (ex. god cards, other duelist's cards like marik's and yugi's) answer to ur question: to get the card. mokuba's smart for a 9 year old or watever he is. he was the commissioner or something in the battle city tournament. last, idk, i knows yugi has a crapload of cards he doesn't. thanks for the review.

 

public: no one answered my question. ah well.