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Pokemon - A Toral Adventure! Chapter 3 Part 2 up!

DeREVOLUTION

By DeREVOLUTION
in Creative Writing

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DeREVOLUTION Newbie

DeREVOLUTION

Posted
Posted

Current Working Status - Chapter 3 Part 3

 

Welcome to my second fan-fic. This fan-fic takes place in the Toral Region, a small Region near the Kanto Region. My first was a bust, and was made a couple months ago. I hope this one does good! Anyway, here it is:

Welcome to my second fan-fic. This fan-fic takes place in the Toral Region, a small Region near the Kanto Region. My first was a bust, and was made a couple months ago. I hope this one does good! Anyway, here it is:

 

[align=center][spoiler=[b]READ FIRST]

The town names in this fan-fic are not random. They have reasons for their name. For every town so far, there will be a reason in THIS spoiler saying why these are their name's:

 

Begorn Town: Began + Bagon, began as in the first town, Bagon's reason will come soon because I dont want to ruin anything.

 

Shrooh Town: Mushroom + Roo (ok, Roo was just random), the town is known for it's shroomishs and other mushroom pokemon.

 

Igneous Town: Igneous is a type of rock. Relating to this town because it is home of the Rock Pokemon

 

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[align=center][spoiler=[b]Roy's current trainer card[/b]]

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[align=center][spoiler=[b]Characters[/b]]

Roy

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A 10 year old curios kid. Roy lives with his older brother, Volkner who used to be a Gym Leader in Sinnoh. Roy's father was Drao, a Gym Leader in the Toral Region. Deao gave Roy Elekid when Roy turned 10. Roy was born and raised in Begorn Town, a small town in Toral Region.

 

Volkner

Volkner.png

Roy's brother. Volkner is very kind to his little brother. Volkner used to be a Gym Leader in Sinnoh, but resigned to take care of his little brother. Volkner has been taking care of Roy for 4 years now.

 

Elekid

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Elekid was a gift to Roy from Roy's father when Roy turned 10. Elekid hates being in Poke balls so he walks by Roy's side. Elekid is Roy's best friend.

 

Drao

trainer2.gif

Roy's father and a Gym Leader in the Toral Region. When Drao was 6, Drao was searching for new pokemon in the desert when a nasty sand storm appeared out of nowhere! He thought his life was over when a Dragonite swooped him up and took him to safety. After that Drao loves using Dragon pokemon. Drap gave Roy his Elekid when Roy turned 10.

 

Professor Pine

FL_Scientist.png

A Pokemon Professor that lives in Shrooh Town. Roy and Volkner saved Prof. Pine from Team Rocket. Drao is a close friend to Professor Pine and was the one who told him to give Roy Elekid. Professor Pine is also friends with the famous Professor Oak of the Kanto region.

 

Team Rocket

FL_RocketGruntM.png

A ruined organization. Their boss lost to a kid in Kanto, so they were forced to retreat. They decided to go to Toral, being that its the smallest region. A known Team Rocket grunt is Mug, Roy's evil rival. Team Rocket tried to take over Shrooh Town, but failed.

 

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[align=center][spoiler=[b]Chapters[/b]]

[spoiler=Chapter 1 - A Start of a New Adventure!]

[spoiler=Chapter 1 Part 1]

It was a nice sunny day in the Toral region. The sky was blue, the tree leaves were soft and green. The citizens of Begorn were happily walking and having nice conversations. As Roy woke up from his pikachu/colored single bed and changed out of his Zapdos colored pajamas given to him from Volkner and changed into his day clothes (Red hat, Black shirt, Red vest, and Blue jeans). He picked up the calendar off the floor which was blown of the wall by wind last night and checked the date today, July First, Roy's birthday. "Yay! Now I can become a trainer like dad!" Roy said to himself as he was still holding the calendar.

Roy then ran to his brother Volkner's room which was filled with pictures of thunder-type Pokemon. Roy shouted at the top of his lungs in Volkner's ears, "Today's the day!" Volkner was now half awake in his Raikou colored single bed dressed in his Pikachu colored pajamas."Today's the day, huh?" said Volkner as he was rubbing his blue eyes and pulling back his long blond hair.

"YUP!!" said Roy, "Now I can get my first Pokemon from Professor Pine today in Shrooh Town!". "Let me go to sleep now, I will take you to Srooh Town in the afternoon" said Volkner, yawning. "NO NO NO! Take me now!" shouted Roy, now excited as ever. "Fine, we will go in ten minutes," said Valkner rising from his bed. "Go get ready," said Volkner as he chuckled. Roy then ran to his own room filled with pictures with his dad and posters of Pokemon. As Roy combed his hair and reset his Voltorb clock on his desk, you could hear Volkner talking happily with Prof. Pine on the phone. After Roy was all ready and Volkner took out some Pokemon from his PC Pokemon Storage, they set off for Srooh town...

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 1 Part 2]

...Roy and Volkner have just left their small red house in Begorn Town and have set off for Shrooh Town to get Roy his first Pokemon from Professor Pine. "Hey Volkner," said Roy as they walked out the door. "Do you think one day I could be a good as trainer as you and dad?" said Roy to Volkner as he stopped walking and looked at him. "Roy, I think one day, you are going to be the best Pokemon Trainer in Toral!" said Volkner as he stopped and turned around and looked at Roy. Roy then smiled and started walking next to Volkner again. Roy and Volkner walked together for the next fifteen minutes with out talking to each other, just looking straight and smiling until they reached Puzzled Woods. "Watch out now Roy." said Volkner as he stopped and looked at Roy at the entrance of the woods. "Why?" questioned Roy as he also stopped and looked at Volkner. "I heard of these woods." answered Volkner. "This forest is called Puzzled Woods." said Volkner still standing and looking at Roy. "I heard that no one has ever passed this forest with ought getting lost or attacked by Pokemon." said Volkner in a concerning voice. "This is the only way to get to Shrooh Town, so I guess we have no choice." sadly said Roy as he started walking into the woods...

 

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 2 - Team Rocket Rises from the Dark!]

[spoiler=Chapter 2 Part 1]

..."Woah! This forest is like a maze! We have been walking around these woods " said Roy with a worried look on his face. "Don't worry, we'll get through this forest." said Volkner, chuckling. "Hey, what's over there..?" said Roy with now a confused face. In the distance, you could see two shady figures with a dark red R on their torso's. One of the shady men had dark red hair and white freckled skin, and the other one had dark brown hair and a black hat. "Team Rocket!" said Volkner, shocked. Volkner then grabbed Roy by his arm and they both hid behind an Oran Bush. "W-w-who are these gu-u-ys-s Volkner?" said Roy as he shivered. "Shh...Tell you later" whispered Volkner with a serious look on his face. "What are these guys doing in Toral..?" whispered himself.

"Gah, why are in a crummy place like this anyway..?" said the shady man with red hair while he was standing still talking to his shady partner. "Didn't you listen when boss told the orders?" said the shady man with the black hat. "We gotta block the entrance to Shrooh Town. I wonder what boss is doing there anyway." said the shady man with the black hat. "Roy, I want you to stay here." said Volkner in a concerning voice. "O-o-ok-k" said Roy still shivering. "Hahaha. It's not going to take long 'till Team Rocket takes over the Toral region!" said the black hat shady man. "Not if I can help it!" said Volkner as he popped out the bushes. "Tsk, you can't beat Team Rocket!" said the shady man with red hair. "Fine, GET READY TO BATTLE!" shouted Volkner as he reached for his pokeball...

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 2 Part 2]

..."Get ready for a Pokemon battle!" said Volkner as he grabbed a Pokeball from his belt. "You'll regret this punk!" said the shady red haired Team Rocket member.

 

"Go Raticate!" said the shady red haired Team Rocket member as he threw a Pokeball.

 

"Go Raichu!" said Volkner as he threw his Pokeball.

 

"Raticate, use Quick Attack!"

 

*Raticate jumps and charges at Raichu*

 

"Dodge Raichu, then use Iron Tail!"

 

*Raichu jumps out of the way, then hits Raticate with Iron Tail*

 

"Yeah! Direct hit!"

 

"Gah, Raticate get up!"

 

*Raticate trys to get up*

 

"Raichu, use Charge!"

 

*Raichu started glowing*

 

"Oh no Raticate! Hurry up and get up you useless Pokemon!"

 

*Raticate finally gets up*

 

"Now use Thunder Raichu!"

 

*The sky turns dark, and a light thunder strikes Raticate*

 

"You useless Pokemon!" screamed the red haired shady Team Rocket member at the Raticate. "Get back in your Pokeball you loser!" said the red haired shady Team Rocket member to the Raticate as he opened his Pokeball and a red light lifted Raticate back into his Pokeball. Now the red haired shady Team Rocket member. "How could you lose to that punk?! Boss is going so mad!" said the red haired shady Team Rocket member's partner to his partner. "Gah, this punk is good!" said the red haired Team Rocket member. "My name's Mug! Im going to beat you next time!" said Mug as him and his partner ran into Shrooh Town. "WOW! Big brother, you beat that thug easy!" said Roy as he rised from the bushes. "He didn't know how to battle. He treated his Pokemon without care." said Volkner as he opened his Pokeball and brought back his Raichu. "Now lets see whats happening in Shrooh Town, Professor Pine could be in trouble!" said Volkner as Roy and Volkner ran into the entrance of Shrooh Town.

 

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 3 - Shrooh Town Terror]

[spoiler=Chapter 3 Part 1]

"What the...?" said Volkner as him and Roy walked into Shrooh Town. "What is it bro?" said Roy with a confused look on his face as they still walked. "Where is everyone? I would expect some Team Rocket members to be around here." said Volkner as he stopped and looked around. "Maybe you scared them away." said Roy as he chuckled and stopped as well. "I'm not that strong little brother." said Volkner with the happy look on his face. "Hey, whats that big building over though?" questioned Roy. "Well you look at that. Its Professor Pine's lab. Lets see what he knows about Team Rocket." said Volkner as him and Roy ran to the entrance of the lab. Roy tried to open the door, but it wouldn't budge. "It's locked!" said Roy with a shocking look. "He probably went to the Pokemon Center, lets go there." said Volkner as he pointed to the red roof building known as the Pokemon Center. Roy and Volkner then walked up to the Pokemon Center which was located right next to the lab. "Look its opened!" said Roy as he opened the door to the Pokemon Center. When Roy and Volkner opened the door, they saw Nurse Joy tied up on the floor with her eyes shut closed. Once Volkner saw this, he whispered to himself, "This is bad..."

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 3 Part 2]

..."Roy, stay here and untie Nurse Joy" said Volkner with a serious look. "OK Volkner, but what are you going to do?" said Roy as he sat down and ripped off the duct tape off Nurse Joy's mouth. "I'm gonna go upstairs! I hear voices up there" said Volkner as he eyes looked straight at the staircase which leaded upstairs. Volkner ran up stairs, while Roy continued untieing the rope off Nurse Joy's body. Roy then realized Nurse Joy opening her eyes very little.

"Quick, they have the Professor. Go to the blue ho--" said Nurse Joy very quietly as she went back unconscious. "I gotta tell Volkner about this!" said Roy as he left Nurse Joy on the floor and ran upstairs. Roy peaked into the room where Volkner was. There he saw 3 Team Rocket grunts, and saw Volkner right across from them. There the Team Rocket members had all their Pokemon out. Each Team Rocket grunt had 1 Zubat out. While Volkner had his Raichu out. "Is Volkner out of his mind! He can't beat them all in a Pokemon battle all at the same time!" thought Roy as he still was hiding.

 

"Hahaha! You really think you can beat us all at the same time? Your a crazy punk!", "Zubats, get ready!"

 

*All of the Zubats got ready to fight*

 

"You guys really think you can beat me? Raichu, use Double Team!"

 

*All of sudden, Raichu started duplicating into 10 other Raichus*

 

"Zubats! Use Whirlwind! It will show us who the real Raichu is!"

 

*All of the Zubats started flapping their wings and a great gust hit the Raichus. All the Raichus disappeared*

 

"What the heck? Where is the real Raichu!?"

 

"Now Raichu! Use Volt Tackle!"

 

*From behind the Zubats, a lightning-like power zoomed past them and turned around and hit them all at the same time*

 

"Wait a second! How'd you do that punk!?"

 

"Here I'll show you! Raichu use Thunder Bolt on these crooks!"

 

*A gold aura appeared around Raichu, then the Thunder hit the Team Rocket members*

 

Roy then came out of hiding. "That was great Volkner!" said Roy with a very happy look on his face. "It was nothing, now is Nurse Joy OK?" said Volkner as he bent down to look at Roy. "No...she went back unconscious" said Roy as his eyes looked disappointed. Volkner's eyes looked disappointed as well. "But wait! She said something about Professor Pine!" said Roy as his face looked more exciting. "I think she said to go to the blue house!" said Roy as he started getting happier and happier. "There was no blue house in this town. Maybe its in the next town?" said Volkner as he started getting up. "Whats the next town?" questioned Roy. "Igneous Town, home of the Rock Pokemon..."

 

 

 

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[align=center][spoiler=[b]Credit[/b]]

Drao's Sprite = Google

Roy's Sprite = Google & .:Magikarp:.

Original Roy before recolored :

redakaiold.png

Roy's trainer card: .:Magikarp:.

 

[/align]

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Kendo Fish Newbie

Kendo Fish

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Chapter One was added after I posted. I must WEATHER REPORT this VERY SHORT chapter in an EDIT TO THIS POST.

 

Before you go on with your fan fiction-writing dreams, I must say that this looks like something typical that everyone seems to be writing. Basing your story in a new region with TWO GYM LEADERS AS RELATIVES (by COMPLETE coincidence) and giving them some of the BETTER POKEMON IN COMPETITIVE BATTLING (I'm looking at you, Elekid) requires awesome writing to pull off.

 

If you have TWO GYM LEADERS AS RELATIVES TO YOUR TORAL REGION CHAMPION (by the way, Toral sounds like an adjective and not a region. And Begorn has no real meaning from what I can tell, when EVERY OTHER TOWN OR AREA HAS A MEANINGFUL NAME ) you'll have to write hard, perhaps even harder than you've ever written before. Write with awesome description, radical dialogue, characters so fleshed-out their muscles have muscles, and no need for a WEATHER REPORT.

 

In other words, I won't bother you about the gifted family if it's written well. After all, reality is unrealistic.

 

EDIT: Okay, you've done it. Now I have to WEATHER REPORT.

[spoiler=Chapter 1]It was a nice sunny day in the Toral oddly-capitalized Region. As Roy woke up from his Pikachu bed (as in, it was not shaped like a Pikachu but was made of Pikachu corpses, since it is not only Pikachu-shaped but Pikachu itself) and changed out of his Zapdos pajamas (given to him by the legendary legend-slayer Tommie the Brave, and was stained with blood and not decorated with the Pokemon) and changed into his regular day clothes which was a giant candle costume (because NOT EVERYONE READS THE CHARACTER BIOS FIRST), he picked up the calendar under his bed and checked the date today, July FIRst, Roy's birthday. That is officially a run-on sentence. "Yay! Now I can become a trainer like dad!" said Roy as he was still holding the calendar. Roy then ran to his brother Volkner's room and Roy shouted at the top of his lungs to himself. He was apparently convinced that he had an imaginary friend, who was a Raikou named Bob. PERIOD "TodayAPOSTROPHEs the day!" (oddly-placed period)

 

"Shut up," Bob said. For you see, those who talk to themselves annoy almost everyone around them.

 

Volkner was now half awake and sleeping in the same, Pikachu corpse-y bed. And if you haven't seen the character bios, imagine that Volkner is the splitting image of Max. You don't know him, either? Well then, you suck and do not deserve any description at all. NOR DO YOU DESERVE A NEW PARAGRAPH WHICH SHOULD HAVE BEEN INCLUDED. This upcoming comma needs to be a period, "Today STOP MAKING THIS MISTAKE RIGHT NOW s the day, huh?" said Volkner as he was rubbing his eyes. NEW PARAGRAPH HERE "YUP!" Roy shouted, shaking the very Earth itself, much to everyone's dismay. "Now I can get my first Pokemon from Professor Pine today!" said Roy still shouting. Look, I know I said he shouted, but he SAID things earlier. He's never shouted before to the readers! What's wrong with him!? By the way, I know's there's Oak, Elm, Ivy, Birch, Rowan...but Pine? Freaking Pine! That's a plant, true dat, but it sounds like a demeaning last name to me! I'd rather be Mr. Magnolia or Sir Daffodil than Prof. Pine! That might be just me, but still. "Let me go to sleep now, I will take you to Srooh Town in the afternoon" said Volkner, still in bed. "NO NO NO! Take me now!" shouted Roy, now excited as ever. You'd think the kid "Fine, we will go in TEN minutes. Go get ready and don't use ending punctuation. That way you'll be like me" said Volkner as he chuckled and got up from his bed. Roy ran to his room filled with pictures with his dad and posters of Pokemon. His room, whose room, what room...who's in whose bed? Was there an act of rape or incest or something going on? Were they in Volkner's room? And if we haven't read the Character Bios, WHY THE HECK IS VOLKNER EVEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE AND WHY WAS HE PROBABLY RAPING POOR LOUD ROY!?!? As Roy combed his hair and shaved his beard Uhh, what? I don't see the humor. He has facial hair? Yeah? Was that a breaking of the fourth wall or a failed (in my opinion) attempt at humor? reset his Voltorb clock which was on his head, not his desk or anything, you could hear Volkner talking with Prof. Pine on the phone shaped like Mickey Mouse. After Roy was all ready and Volkner took out some Pokemon from his PC Pokemon Storage, they set off for Srooh town...and no, Srooh is just random nonsense.

 

 

That chapter was SHORT. It was UNFULFILLING. It was NOT DESCRIPTIVE. It had NOT THE BEST GRAMMAR. Its plot is GENERIC, which is not something to really argue about since that's every trainer story, good or bad. But if you're doing one you need to IMPROVE THIS STORY. Yo.

 

This review was not meant to be harmful to your mental and/or physical state!

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DeREVOLUTION Newbie

DeREVOLUTION

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Chapter One was added after I posted. I must WEATHER REPORT this VERY SHORT chapter in an EDIT TO THIS POST.

 

Before you go on with your fan fiction-writing dreams' date=' I must say that this looks like something typical that everyone seems to be writing. [b']Basing your story in a new region with TWO GYM LEADERS AS RELATIVES (by COMPLETE coincidence) and giving them some of the BETTER POKEMON IN COMPETITIVE BATTLING (I'm looking at you, Elekid) requires awesome writing to pull off.[/b]

 

If you have TWO GYM LEADERS AS RELATIVES TO YOUR TORAL REGION CHAMPION (by the way, Toral sounds like an adjective and not a region. And Begorn has no real meaning from what I can tell, when EVERY OTHER TOWN OR AREA HAS A MEANINGFUL NAME ) you'll have to write hard, perhaps even harder than you've ever written before. Write with awesome description, radical dialogue, characters so fleshed-out their muscles have muscles, and no need for a WEATHER REPORT.

 

In other words, I won't bother you about the gifted family if it's written well. After all, reality is unrealistic.

Thanks for the help. Weather Report was the reason I ended my last fan-fic :/

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Kendo Fish Newbie

Kendo Fish

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Akoolgie800 has PMed me to do another WEATHER REPORT on the edited version of this story. I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE.

 

Since it's a Part One I won't comment on the SHORT LENGTH of the story.

[align=center][spoiler=Chapter 1 Part 1]It was a nice sunny day in the Toral region. The sky was gray. The tree leaves black and deceased. The citizens of Whereverville were walking around in a very depressing manner. It was a very, very, very depressing day. As Roy woke up from his Pikachu oddly-capitalized and not with a dash instead of a space Colored bed and changed out of his Zapdos colored pajamas given to him from Volkner and changed into his day clothes (Red hat, Black shirt, Red vest, and Blue jeans). Looks like a run-on sentence. And the bed is colored red, brown and yellow but shaped like any other bed. Yo. He picked up the calendar under his bed (which he forgot on occasion since it was UNDER HIS BED) and checked the date today, July First, Roy's birthday. "Yay! Now I can become a trainer like dad!" said Roy as he was still holding the calendar.

 

"Please shut up," his imaginary friend Bob sighed.

 

Roy then ran to his brother Volkner's room and Roy shouted at the top of his lungs in Volkner's ears COMMA "Today's the day!" Volkner was now half awake in his Raikou colored single. No, it is not a bed. It's a single. Volkner the scrappy Pichu had an eye which looked like a Raikou, and was colored like one to boot. His room is shaped like a giant pizza and is filled with pizza memorabilia. "Today's the day, huh?" said Volkner in the same paragraph, oddly enough, as he was rubbing his eyes.

"YUP!" said Roy still shouting into Volkner's ears and yes, you can shout AND say at the same time. Examining that closer it does sort of make sense, but it's worded weirdly in my opinion. Also, you needz moar punctuation. "Now I can get my first Pokemon from Professor Pine today!" said Roy still shouting. I figured that last part. "Let me go to sleep now, I will take you to Srooh Town in the afternoon err...PUNCTUATION" said Volkner, yawning. "NO NO NO! Take me now!" shouted Roy, now excited as ever. "Fine, we will go in ten minutes COMMA" said Valkner, the stuffed pizza in the corner, rising from his bed. "Go get ready COMMA" said Volkner as he chuckled. Roy then ran to his own room filled with pictures with his dad and posters of Pokemon. As Roy combed his hair and reset his Voltorb clock on his desk, you could hear Volkner talking happily with Prof. Pine on the phone while getting dressed. You can hear him getting dressed? He gets dressed that loudly? He gets dressed while he talks on the phone? After Roy was all ready and Volkner took out some Pokemon from his PC Pokemon Storage, they set off for Srooh town...

[/align]

Maybe it's just me, but...wasn't that fast-paced? Does Roy look like Pop of the Rice Krispie trio under his clothes? Why did Valkner speak back there instead of Volkner? What does Srooh Town mean? Is the professor there, or are they just going there before they get some ice cream and go back to Whereverville to REALLY get a Pokemon? Err?

 

Thanks for being a good sport and letting me rip your hard work into pieces. Take care in reassembling them.

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Kendo Fish Newbie

Kendo Fish

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Wow, I'm lazy. You want a report, you got it. But you got it late, so I suck for that.

[spoiler=Chapter 1 Part 2]

...One useless ellipsis later! Roy and Volkner have just left their small red house in Begorn Town and have set off for unnecessary space Shrooh Town Huh. When I first saw this it read Srooh Town... to get Roy his first Pokemon from Professor Pine. "Hey Volkner' date='" said Roy as they walked out the door. "Do you think one day I could be a good as trainer as you and dad?" said Roy as he stopped walking. "Hi," said Bob. "How are you?" said Bob. "What'd you do today?" said Bob. HE SAID TOO MUCH!!!!! "Roy, I think one day, you are going to be the best Pokemon Trainer in Toral!" said Volkner as he stopped and turned around and looked at Roy. That's a bit too action-packed for one sentence. Roy then smiled and started walking next to Volkner. They weren't before!? Roy and Volkner walked together for the next FIFTEEN (spell it out break it down yo) minutes withOUT talking to each other, just looking straight and smiling until they reached Puzzled Woods. "Watch out now Roy" said Volkner without punctuation, strangely enough as he stopped and looked at Roy (at the entrance of the woods). Attempt to refrain from using parentheses when describing simple stuff, instead trying to incorporate it in the regular text. "Why?" questioned Roy as he also stopped and looked at Volkner. "Only half of the trainers that ever entered these woods have exited safely" answered Volkner, who had developed a nasty habit of not using punctuation. Wait, only half have exited safely? Not only their Pokemon get hurt but THEY get hurt? Holy crap, why don't they send over some Officer Jennys stat!? I know the Pokemon world has pretty lax security, but if PEOPLE are getting hurt they need an alternate route! "This is the only way to get to Shrooh Town, so I guess we have no choice COMMA" sadly said Roy as he started walking into the woods...

 

[/align]

Since you haven't really edited it (from what I could tell at a glance) I didn't Weather Report that one again. And along with the specified, take these handy dandy notes and write'em in your handy dandy notebook...

 

- Make a new paragraph for a new person speaking and a new world.

 

Actually, that was only one note. Good job.

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DeREVOLUTION Newbie

DeREVOLUTION

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Wow' date=' I'm lazy. You want a report, you got it. But you got it late, so I suck for that.

[spoiler=Chapter 1 Part 2]

...One useless ellipsis later! Roy and Volkner have just left their small red house in Begorn Town and have set off for unnecessary space Shrooh Town Huh. When I first saw this it read Srooh Town... to get Roy his first Pokemon from Professor Pine. "Hey Volkner," said Roy as they walked out the door. "Do you think one day I could be a good as trainer as you and dad?" said Roy as he stopped walking. "Hi," said Bob. "How are you?" said Bob. "What'd you do today?" said Bob. HE SAID TOO MUCH!!!!! "Roy, I think one day, you are going to be the best Pokemon Trainer in Toral!" said Volkner as he stopped and turned around and looked at Roy. That's a bit too action-packed for one sentence. Roy then smiled and started walking next to Volkner. They weren't before!? Roy and Volkner walked together for the next FIFTEEN (spell it out break it down yo) minutes withOUT talking to each other, just looking straight and smiling until they reached Puzzled Woods. "Watch out now Roy" said Volkner without punctuation, strangely enough as he stopped and looked at Roy (at the entrance of the woods). Attempt to refrain from using parentheses when describing simple stuff, instead trying to incorporate it in the regular text. "Why?" questioned Roy as he also stopped and looked at Volkner. "Only half of the trainers that ever entered these woods have exited safely" answered Volkner, who had developed a nasty habit of not using punctuation. Wait, only half have exited safely? Not only their Pokemon get hurt but THEY get hurt? Holy crap, why don't they send over some Officer Jennys stat!? I know the Pokemon world has pretty lax security, but if PEOPLE are getting hurt they need an alternate route! "This is the only way to get to Shrooh Town, so I guess we have no choice COMMA" sadly said Roy as he started walking into the woods...

 

[/align]

Since you haven't really edited it (from what I could tell at a glance) I didn't Weather Report that one again. And along with the specified, take these handy dandy notes and write'em in your handy dandy notebook...

 

- Make a new paragraph for a new person speaking and a new world.

 

Actually, that was only one note. Good job.

Thanks! I'm happy im sticking with this. Last time I got Weather Reported I was so noobish I quit making fan-fics all together. Now im actually doing good!

 

EDIT:

CPTER 1 PRT 2 has been edited a little. Chapter 2 is now in progress.

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