Yu-Gi-Oh Rise of the Duel Monsters (chapter one is up!!!)

[feline card maker]

Prolouge

Prolouge

 

This story of YuGiOh is not like the kind you would regularly read, because in this story, the duel monsters are alive. There are no attack or defence points, no effects, no Rituals, no Fusions or Synchros. They are all just normal monsters. Monsters that fight and kill each other. They fight to the death, no mercy no holding back.

Spellcasters and Faries can use spell cards as Mage, Sure that's what we'll call it, Mage. But other monsters can only use spells that are made for them. Like gaia the feirce knight can use spiral spear strike because that card is made for him.

Any monster can use trap cards. They are treated as small, mechanical discs placed on the ground. They are activated with pressure.

There are groups of monsters in the wild known as clans. they all live and train together, almost all clans in the forest are rivals. All against each other. There are few alliances between clans such as the Kamakazi Kuribohs and the Harpie clan.

The Kamakazi Kuribohs are a group of two Kuribohs that clone themselves and strap bombs to there clones and catapult them at the enemy with the fuses lit, or sometimes send them in by foot and light their fuses at the location of the attack.

The Harpie Clan is a huge group of Harpie Ladys, and Harpies Brothers, Harpies Pet Dragon, etc. They fly above the clouds and stike down on their enemy in a nose dive or fly like a bullet across the battle feild and take the enamys out one by one by taking them by the head and crushing them with their powerful Talons.

But now we start the story. We join the Spring Spellcasters at Fallsburg Groves. (this is where the fun begins).

 

[spoiler=Chapters][spoiler=Chapter 1]

Chapter one: The New Beginning

(I know this is a totally overused title but I need to use this title first so I can do something else later. he he he... :twisted: )

 

Dark Magician sat on a stony bench with Dark Magician Girl and Dark Magician Knight at the edge of a path covered in leaves and trees that cut through tussles of thorn bushes and grassy fields. Light barely shown through the trees because they were so bushy and the day was so foggy that they could not see fifty feet away from them. Dark Magician Girl leaned backwards against Dark Magicians shoulders while he just sat there and stared down the path anxiously waiting for something to happen. Dark Magician Knight did the same while twisting and scraping his sword in the packed down sandy path.

 

"Do you think he'll actually come?" Dark Magician Girl asked the others.

 

"Oh, he'll be here," Dark Magician started.

 

Then Dark Magician Knight finished his sentence for him, "and probably with others too."

 

Just then, three large figures emerged from the fog on the other side of the path. Two, wearing armor shields and carrying swords, and between them was also wearing armor and a shield but armed with a lance and mounted on a horse.

 

"It's time..." Muttered one of the warriors.

 

"Remember the signal." Dark Magician told Dark Magician Girl.

 

"It's time to fight!!" Dark Magician Knight said as the three spellcasters stood up and walked forwards.

 

"You guys ready for this?" Dark Magician Girl asked.

 

"Totally ready." the two males reassured her.

 

Then the three dark figures came into focus and stopped, the magicians gasped.

 

There, standing 20 feet away from them, were 3 almost unbeatable warriors.

 

On the left, was Black Luster Soldier. On the right, Flame Swordsman. and in the middle. Was Swift Gaia the Fierce Knight.

 

"Oh crap, we're screwed." Muttered Dark Magician Knight.

 

"Not yet. Lets see how this turns out." Quietly says Dark Magician Girl.

 

Flame swordsman charges forwards and launches a fireball at Dark Magician, Dark Magician pulls out his staff and freezes the fireball then throws it back towards Flame Swordsman. The frozen fire bolt heads directly to his chest. He jump out of the way and charges towards the magicians. The battle had begun.

 

Black Luster Soldier headed for Dark Magician Girl but she disappeared in a puff of smoke and had turned invisible. She ran behind Black Luster Soldier and smashed her in the head with her staff. Then Black Luster Soldier swung backwards and knocked Dark Magician Girl over. Dark Magician Girl grabbed her staff and hit Black Luster Soldiers leg with it to knock her to the ground.

 

Flame Swordsman slashed at Dark Magician Knight over his head but Dark Magician Knight blocked the blow with his forearmour. Then Dark Magician Knight spun clockwise and slashed at Flame Swordsman’s side. He got a hit. Flame Swordsman ran forwards and crashed into Dark Magician Knight and Pushes him into a large bush.

 

Gaia charges at Dark Magician and smokes him in the chest with his lance. it sends Dark Magician Flying backwards, he spirals in the air and hits the stone bench that he was sitting on moments ago. He ran at Gaia and slid underneath his horse, popped up on the other side and sent a shockwave at Gaia that knocked him off of his horse, his horse ran away back down the trail from where they came.

 

Dark Magician Knight was hacking through the bushes trying to find Flame Swordsman when suddenly he popped up from behind Dark Magician Knight and tackled him sending the two deeper into the bushes. Dark Magician Knight sliced and slashed but could not get a hit on Flame Swordsman. Finally Dark Magician Knight was taken down to the ground and Flame Swordsman held his sword to Dark Magician Knights neck.

 

"You fight like a girl!" Flame Swordsman scowled.

 

"But I don’t punch like one!" Dark magician knight punched him square in the face which knocked him over and sent him running towards the rest of the battle.

 

Dark Magician Girl jumped up in the air and hit Black Luster Soldier in the side of the head. Black Luster Soldier punched Dark Magician Girl in the stomach then kicked her in the leg and threw her against a tree by her arm.

 

"We need Backup..." Dark Magician Girl muttered.

 

Dark Magician was fighting off Gaia as hard as he could but when Gaia stuck his lance out sideways to block his attack, Dark Magician broke right through it. he took advantage of that moment to access an opportunity. He stepped forwards and kicked Gaia in the face.

 

Dark Magician Knight ran to the path as fast as he could, following the trail of smashed bushes and crumpled berries. He ran so fast that when he ran out onto the path he ran right into Gaia. The two warriors collided and knocked each other over. Dark Magician Knight held him down while Dark Magician repeatedly smashed him in the head with his staff until he didn't move. Dark Magician Knight turned around but then flame swordsman slashed at his hand and knocked the sword out of his hand. Flame Swordsman swung at his head but he ducked. Flame Swordsman swung at his feet he jumped but quickly after Flame swordsman swung at his side but Dark Magician didn't dodge in time. the sword hit him and pieces of his armor flew off his body into the air and a bit of blood stained the armor left in that spot and it dribbled on the ground.

 

"Backup..." he muttered.

 

Dark Magician Knight clocked flame swordsman in the face and kicked him in the stomach then he ran back to the stony bench.

 

"Dark Magician Girl! The signal!!!" Yelled Dark Magician. "The signal! Do it now!!!"

 

Dark Magician Girl put her two fists together and flashed the signal behind them. then Rapid Fire Magician and Skilled Dark Magician popped up from behind the bench, Dark Magician and Dark Magician Girl ducked down and the two spellcasters at the back were all of a sudden blasting bolts of energy at both of the remaining warriors.

 

Flame Swordsman jerked back and fell backwards when he was hit with the energy bolts. Black Luster Soldier did the same and fell over.

 

"Well, you guys did it. You beat us and we're the commanders team alpha." said Gaia as he got up from where he was laying. "You've got the makings of good resistance squad fighters. you could even be elites."

 

The three warriors that the spring spellcasters fought were not enemies they were from the resistance squad. The group of excellent fighters recruited by commander Kings Knight, along with Queens Knight and Jacks Knight.

 

"Yes they could." replied Black Luster Soldier. "Follow us and we'll bring you five to the training facility."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=team of the week][spoiler=week 1]spring spellcasters

Members:

Dark Magician: Weapon: staff , Type: Spellcaster

Dark Magician Girl: Weapon: staff , Type: spellcaster

Dark Magician Knight: Weapon: sword , Type: Warrior

Skilled Dark Magician: Weapon: staff , Type: spellcaster

Rapid Fire Magician: Weapon: staff , Type: spellcaster

 

they send out a few warriors and if they're about to lose the rest pop up and provide backup to the one in the battle.

 

 

[lolcats card maker]

awsome I cant wait until the rest comes out!!!

[RyanAtlus]

...not yet.

Use punctuations. Your spelling and grammar have improved, tough. (But I cannot leave the error 'Harpys' unmentioned. It's 'Harpies'.)

Put your prologue in a spoiler tag, and it may be wise to just put all the rules in your universe in a spoiler called "Laws of the Monster World". Instead of discussing several groups in the story, post a "Gang of the Week" every week.

Succes!

[feline card maker]

I'm not going to put the prolouge in a spoiler because I want everyone to read it before they read the story so they will understand why the monsters are alive.

that gang of the week idea is pretty good though. I think I'll use that.

But im going to keep the prolouge how it is now since i edited it.

 

thanks for the great idea!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[feline card maker]

bump.

[feline card maker]

bump.

[Weather Report - Stand]

'Scuse me, but I'd just like to look at that story and tell you what you need to be doing here.

Prolouge

Prolouge

 

This story of YuGiOh is not like the kind you would regularly read' date=' because in this story, the duel monsters are alive. Okay, sounds like a story with a plot that will most likely be either straightforward and predictable, or very dull. Write it well. OR ELSE. There are no attack or defence points, no effects, no Rituals, no Fusions or Synchros. It's like a medieval novel! With some robots. And you misspelled 'defense'.They are all just normal monsters. Monsters that fight and kill each other. They fight to the death, no mercy no holding back. Boy, THAT sure don't sound familiar.

Spellcasters and Faries can use spell cards as Mage, Sure that's what we'll call it, Mage. Don't call it a spell card OR 'Mage'. They aren't spell cards any more, just spells, and Mage sounds retarded. It's a magician ranking! Call it... Magia. Or something. And you capitalized 'Sure' when you weren't supposed to. But other monsters can only use spells that are made for them. Like gaia the feirce knight can use spiral spear strike because that card is made for him. Capitalize te whole name! And it's not called a spell, it's a technique!!

Any monster can use trap cards. They are treated as small, mechanical discs placed on the ground. They are activated with pressure. Heh, landmines. Why should they all look alike? That's kinda dull and uninteresting.

There are groups of monsters in the wild known as clans. they all live and train together, almost all clans in the forest are rivals. All against each other. There are few alliances between clans such as the Kamakazi Kuribohs and the Harpie clan. 'Kamakazi Kuribohs'... Kamakazi really just means 'divine wind', and I hate how nobody knows that anymore. But it's not your fault, it's everybody else's for saying 'Suicide attack-guys! They're kamakazis! Suicide bombers are kamakazis! People who jump onto cliffs and accidentally hit cars down below are kamakazis!' But that name sounds... stupid. I'm not gonna like them.

The Kamakazi Kuribohs are a group of two Kuribohs that clone themselves and strap bombs to there clones and catapult them at the enemy with the fuses lit, or sometimes send them in by foot and light their fuses at the location of the attack. That's so retarded!! Sure, Multiply and all that.. BUT WHERE DO THEY GAT SO MANY BOMBS?! They're better off just finding some guns rather than go through all of that trouble of buying thousands of bombs and wasting them all in one assault! And we didn't need to know their attack technique until they showed up in the story!

The Harpie Clan is a huge group of Harpie Ladys, and Harpies Brothers, Harpies Pet Dragon, etc. They fly above the clouds and stike down on their enemy in a nose dive or fly like a bullet across the battle feild and take the enamys out one by one by taking them by the head and crushing them with their powerful Talons. Damn, there's a lot of bad spelling here. Plus we could already tell what they did. And that run-on sentence is... ugh. Make it into two or three, if you insist on keeping this useless explanation here!

But now we start the story. We join the Spring Spellcasters at Fallsburg Groves. (this is where the fun begins).Sp-sp-spring spellcasters?!Are they some sort of high school football mascots or something?!

 

[spoiler=Chapters][spoiler=Chapter 1]

Chapter one: The New Beginning

(I know this is a totally overused title but I need to use this title first so I can do something else later. he he he... :twisted: )

Um... The Spring Spellcasters? First Assault? Meet the Mages? Honey, I Shrunk the Pigs? Anything would be better, but you already know that.

Dark Magician sat on a stony bench with Dark Magician Girl and Dark Magician Knight at the edge of a path covered in leaves and trees that cut through tussles of thorn bushes and grassy fields. Light barely shown through the trees because they were so bushy and the day was so foggy that they could not see fifty feet away from them. Dark Magician Girl leaned backwards against Dark Magicians shoulders while he just sat there and stared down the path anxiously waiting for something to happen. Dark Magician Knight did the same while twisting and scraping his sword in the packed down sandy path.

Dark Magician Knight is really just Dark Magician. Don't they look SO similar? And what's the summoning cost, hm? I hope Dark Sage isn't in the same room in a future chapter with these two... Also the description feels to rushed, like you just wanted to get it out of the way. You need to use more commas, since your longer sentences are so... long-winded. And what are they waiting for so bored-ly? The school bus? Santa Claus (They look really bored because Dark Magician Girl and DM Knight really know he doesn't exist. They're just being nice for Dark Magician)

"Do you think he'll actually come?" Dark Magician Girl asked the others.

Santa? Well, at least we know they're waiting for a non-specific person now...

"Oh, he'll be here," Dark Magician started.

"Ho ho ho," some man laughed, not too far down the path.

Then Dark Magician Knight finished his sentence for him, "and probably with others too."

Why don't they have real names? Going to work with these guys would be a pain. "Hey, Grandmaster of the Six Samurai! Have you filed that paperwork yet?"

"Yeah, Elemental Hero Thunder Giant. Also, how's your wife, Rose, Warrior of Revenge, doing?"

"Not too good; she's been hit by that Ebikyo Drakmord pandemic as of late."

"Bummer, Grandmaster of the Six Samurai. Well, tell Rose, Warrior of Revenge that I said 'hi'!"

"Will do, Elemental Hero Thunder Giant, will do."

Plus your "And" needs capitalization.

Just then, three large figures emerged from the fog on the other side of the path. Two, wearing armor shields and carrying swords, and between them was also wearing armor and a shield but armed with a lance and mounted on a horse.

Wow, that sounds awkward. Why don't you just call them knights and describe the weapons at first?

"It's time..." Muttered one of the warriors.

What did his voice sound like? What tone did he use?

"Remember the signal." Dark Magician told Dark Magician Girl.

Use a comma at the end of that quote, it looks better.

"It's time to fight!!" Dark Magician Knight said as the three spellcasters stood up and walked forwards.

I don't think he said that, it was more of a yell or roar. And why did he scream the battle cry, and they all just tiptoe as slowly as possible into the fray? You run when you say that kinda thing.

"You guys ready for this?" Dark Magician Girl asked.

Okay, we don't nee all of this dialogue; Just get to the action!!

"Totally ready." the two males reassured her.

Medieval sages and wizards don't say 'Totally', they say 'Yes' or 'Certainly'. NO SLANG ALLOWED.

Then the three dark figures came into focus and stopped, the magicians gasped.

THREE SANTA-KNIGHTS?!

There, standing 20 feet away from them, were 3 almost unbeatable warriors.

Spell out your numbers! It looks better.

On the left, was Black Luster Soldier. On the right, Flame Swordsman. and in the middle. Was Swift Gaia the Fierce Knight.

Your periods are unnecessary. Use commas. And de-capitalize 'was'. And why should his name be, literally, "Swift Gaia, the Fierce Knight"? Was there more than one Gaia? Is he just the slightly faster one? And what makes Flame Swordsman so good? Yeah, no ATK of DEF, but there's gotta be SOMEONE more iconic than HIM!

"Oh crap, we're screwed." Muttered Dark Magician Knight.

NO SLANG ALLOWED. NOBODY SAID CRAP IN 1004.

"Not yet. Lets see how this turns out." Quietly says Dark Magician Girl.

Be wise; Punctuize! Wait... Don't wait; Punctuate! It works.

Flame swordsman charges forwards and launches a fireball at Dark Magician, Dark Magician pulls out his staff and freezes the fireball then throws it back towards Flame Swordsman. The frozen fire bolt heads directly to his chest. He jump out of the way and charges towards the magicians. The battle had begun.

Let me read this out for you: Flame Swordsman charged out right now in present-day and now he launches a fire ball at Dark Magician and now Dark Magician holds his staff out right now and freezes the fireball, making it for some weird reason a frozen ball of fire which totally makes sense and he picks it up and throws it at Flame Swordsman. It flies right now into his chest. Then as he got hit he jumped out of the way though he was already hit and he now runs to the magicians. Uh, the battle began, I guess, though that happened earlier and not now. See anything wrong?

Black Luster Soldier headed for Dark Magician Girl but she disappeared in a puff of smoke and had turned invisible. She ran behind Black Luster Soldier and smashed her in the head with her staff. Then Black Luster Soldier swung backwards and knocked Dark Magician Girl over. Dark Magician Girl grabbed her staff and hit Black Luster Soldiers leg with it to knock her to the ground.

Here we see the same problems. No punctuation, bad action, and you called BLS 'her' once. Add action words (like "argh" and "grr" and "Ha, I got you now!" "Yeah, right, think again!") to make it more like a real fight. Too much stuff happens at one time.

Flame Swordsman slashed at Dark Magician Knight over his head but Dark Magician Knight blocked the blow with his forearmour. Then Dark Magician Knight spun clockwise and slashed at Flame Swordsman’s side. He got a hit. Flame Swordsman ran forwards and crashed into Dark Magician Knight and Pushes him into a large bush.

COMMAAAAAAAAAS!!! Commas are needed or else this looks really dumb, like the paragraph I just re-wrote! And 'He got hit.' was totally un-needed; just say "and slashed at his foe's side, and connected his strong blow with the swordsman's flesh." Or something like that. And why should 'Pushes' be capitalized? Finally, stop switching between past-tense and present-tense. Just keep it in the past.

Gaia charges at Dark Magician and smokes him in the chest with his lance. it sends Dark Magician Flying backwards, he spirals in the air and hits the stone bench that he was sitting on moments ago. He ran at Gaia and slid underneath his horse, popped up on the other side and sent a shockwave at Gaia that knocked him off of his horse, his horse ran away back down the trail from where they came.

"Smokes him in the chest"...?! What the heck? How does that makes sense?! And try to make the action simpler. I can't imagine Dark Magician flying backwards through the air after being impaled by a lance, then spinning violently before hitting a stone bench; then diving underneath a horse and pushing a man off, causing it to run away for no reason. Well, I can, but it's not very cool. It's pretty dumb. One: DM should have taken alot more damage than that! Try falling on a stone block. It hurts, right? Maybe leaves you breathless or screaming bloody murder? Two: Why would the horse be so retarded? Couldn't it have reared up and stepped on DM? What kind of horse does that? If you provide an example, you're excused. Three: Once again, they're mute. Try fighting silently. It's HARD. They HAVE to say something! Besides "Totally", or "Crap". Or "Totallycrap".

Dark Magician Knight was hacking through the bushes trying to find Flame Swordsman when suddenly he popped up from behind Dark Magician Knight and tackled him sending the two deeper into the bushes. Dark Magician Knight sliced and slashed but could not get a hit on Flame Swordsman. Finally Dark Magician Knight was taken down to the ground and Flame Swordsman held his sword to Dark Magician Knights neck.

Man, it sounds so weird! "DMK is searching for FS. Then FS appears and pushes DMK. Then DMK slashes FS, but misses FS. Then DMK falls and FS holds his sword against his neck. SOUNDS SPECTACULAR. Plus, why do they keep switching opponents so fast? Why don't they gang up? That's more realistic. Think of a huge gang fight! The Bloods versus the Crips. Then they bolt at each other, divide up, and have numerous one-man cell battles.

"You fight like a girl!" Flame Swordsman scowled.

Yay, they talk! Plus it's acceptable, since they had insults like that! But I will never accept DMK. Is DM just one rank these guys have, and DMK is ultimately better since he's a mage AND a knight? So DM sucks? And why don't they have names? Yes, I ask that again. Gaia's okay, and maybe "The Flame Swordsman" is a cool title. But having so many Dark Magicians is confusing!

"But I don’t punch like one!" Dark magician knight punched him square in the face which knocked him over and sent him running towards the rest of the battle.

It sounds so clunky!!

Dark Magician Girl jumped up in the air and hit Black Luster Soldier in the side of the head. Black Luster Soldier punched Dark Magician Girl in the stomach then kicked her in the leg and threw her against a tree by her arm.

Why is this suddenly a melee battle when BLS has an awesome blade-weapon? Justs cleave her in half, Mr. Legendary Warrior! And why must you use so many run-on sentences?!

"We need Backup..." Dark Magician Girl muttered.

Who's Backup? It's capitalized, so it's gotta be a name. Is it him?http://images2.

No, not quite it...

Dark Magician was fighting off Gaia as hard as he could but when Gaia stuck his lance out sideways to block his attack, Dark Magician broke right through it. he took advantage of that moment to access an opportunity. He stepped forwards and kicked Gaia in the face.

How much more of this WILL THERE BE?! This fight goes on forever! And it's all plagued by the same errors! It's like watching the whole "The Mummy" trilogy one after the other!

Dark Magician Knight ran to the path as fast as he could, following the trail of smashed bushes and crumpled berries. He ran so fast that when he ran out onto the path he ran right into Gaia. The two warriors collided and knocked each other over. Dark Magician Knight held him down while Dark Magician repeatedly smashed him in the head with his staff until he didn't move.

WOWTHAT'SBIG. Plus it's just as bad as the rest. You need to re-write this, making more sense, condensing the battle, and making it more realistic. Plus, you don't even have to re-do the whole thing! Just use the GOOD parts. Plus, it's kinda funny how you say "Dark Magician Knight turned around but then flame swordsman slashed at his hand and knocked the sword out of his hand. Flame Swordsman swung at his head but he ducked. Flame Swordsman swung at his feet he jumped but quickly after Flame swordsman swung at his side but Dark Magician didn't dodge in time. the sword hit him and pieces of his armor flew off his body into the air and a bit of blood stained the armor left in that spot and it dribbled on the ground." It's so weird! He slices his hand and he drops his sword. He slices his feet but he jumps. He slices his side and he bleeds. It's so... repetitive!

"Backup..." he muttered.

 

Dark Magician Knight clocked flame swordsman in the face and kicked him in the stomach then he ran back to the stony bench.

Why not do that earlier? And why's the bench so safe? Sure, DM wasn't hurt when he fell onto it but-- holy crap! It's a SAFETY bench!! Of MAGIC!!

"Dark Magician Girl! The signal!!!" Yelled Dark Magician. "The signal! Do it now!!!"

The BAT-Signal? Oh well, that joke'll never be as bad as the bat credit card (look it up, it was in a fail movie)

Dark Magician Girl put her two fists together and flashed the signal behind them. then Rapid Fire Magician and Skilled Dark Magician popped up from behind the bench, Dark Magician and Dark Magician Girl ducked down and the two spellcasters at the back were all of a sudden blasting bolts of energy at both of the remaining warriors.

What is 'the signal'? It's just described as 'the signal', quite literally. And how come they didn't do this when they realized they're so powerful(the enemies)? Those cocky bastards. And how is the bench so magical? And why did the fight start anyways? We got no backstory. The "bad guys" walk up. Then they all start fighting silently. That actually looks funny if you imagine that.

Flame Swordsman jerked back and fell backwards when he was hit with the energy bolts. Black Luster Soldier did the same and fell over.

*snort* Losers.

"Well, you guys did it. You beat us and we're the commanders team alpha." said Gaia as he got up from where he was laying. "You've got the makings of good resistance squad fighters. you could even be elites."

GRAMMAR ALERT!! THIS GRAMMAR IS BAAAD!! And what is he talking about? Were these guys expecting them so they could be ambushed? Why not just fight them when they signed up for whatever? It's not much of an ambush, if it was supposed to be one, if you KNOW when and where they'll show up. Plus, why should they be commended for using such cheat-y tactics as summoning random reinforcements? You don't always get to do this in an army. And why's there a random war going on all of a sudden? You gave us no backstory and now we're all paying for it in spades.

The three warriors that the spring spellcasters fought were not enemies they were from the resistance squad. The group of excellent fighters recruited by commander Kings Knight, along with Queens Knight and Jacks Knight.

Well, duh, we know that now. Except they're called "King's Knight, Queen's Knight and Jack's Knight". Look:

"Yes they could." replied Black Luster Soldier. "Follow us and we'll bring you five to the training facility."

Okay, so they weren't cheating, as they knew the others would show up. But why were they so easily beaten by them? Why did they need a signal to possibly telegraph to the enemy "Look out dudes, you're gonna get shot with magic from a mighty awesome bench!!"? There are a lot of confusing things here. And your backstory/prologue... WAS NOT HELPFUL. AT ALL. SORRY. BUT WE NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT THAT RANDOM WAR. I SHOULD STOP TALKING NOW.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=team of the week][spoiler=week 1]spring spellcasters

Members:

Dark Magician: Weapon: staff , Type: Spellcaster

Dark Magician Girl: Weapon: staff , Type: spellcaster

Dark Magician Knight: Weapon: sword , Type: Warrior

Skilled Dark Magician: Weapon: staff , Type: spellcaster

Rapid Fire Magician: Weapon: staff , Type: spellcaster

 

they send out a few warriors and if they're about to lose the rest pop up and provide backup to the one in the battle. That's dumb. Why not have support that attacks with long-range attacks?

 

 

Well, your story thoroughly confused me, good job. Add more detail, batter action, and names. What would people do if they met two Dark Magicians at the same time? AWKWARD.

[Des ＨＥＲＯ]

quite an good story an can be intreasting

[feline card maker]

thanks for the advice weather report. I'll use your advice in the next chapter.

[Weather Report - Stand]

You're welcome; and I made sure not to make it as offensive as maybe the last one. Just in case, you know! Well, have a good day.

[feline card maker]

bump.

[feline card maker]

bump

[Weather Report - Stand]

Next time you bump, it MAY be useful to post up a new chapter. You can also edit the title to say "Look, it's a NEW CHAPTER!!!" by doing a full edit on the first post! YEAH, TIPS!!

[blademac]

bump?

[feline card maker]

bumpump

[Weather Report - Stand]

Seriously, the first chapter was written on the first of the month, so we've been waiting long enough to see what happens next. Stop bumping and start expressing yourself through writing!!

[Maho Adonis]

Eh... I had a number of objections to this fanfiction, so many that I actually registered an account to comment on it. First of all, the cards you see are just classes of monsters. No one in my world calls each other by formal titles such as "Dark Magician" and "Celtic Guardian". That would be silly, considering that "Dark Magician" is one of the oldest and most common titles given to a magician. It's just a magician's element and the word "Magician". Like a job title or something.

 

Continuing on, a Dark Magician Knight is just a Dark Magician that's been knighted. Oh, and Celtic Guardians aren't a single person. The Royal Celtic Guard is a whole army of elves, not a single guy in green armor.

 

My point, is that the characters you've used are completely blank.

 

It gets even stranger when you consider that the whole of Schwank probably has more common folk then there are cards in the Duel Monsters card game! By pidgeonholes, it's easy to see that there would be more than one man who calls himself a Dark Magician. Do they both have to be purple-haired androgynous wizards wearing purple colored armor? No. I prefer wearing green armor, honestly.

 

Then again, if you look at the way you're writing, you might end up having two Dark Magicians that look exactly the same. But no one will care, because again, the characters you've used are completely blank.

 

Look, I'll put it in terms your world will understand. Imagine I named everyone how they looked. That is, instead of actual names like David, Bill, or Abigail, we called them Fat Nerd, Old Guy, or Little Girl. It doesn't sound normal, eh?

 

*sigh* Be constructive, Adonis.

 

I see you're trying to write a story based on the other world in the Yugioh franchise. That's nice. May I suggest fleshing out the characters? Names, character traits, etc. Maybe the Dark Magician in your story is a guy named Maho Hector who feels a little inferior to the Dark Magician Knight of the team. Maybe that Knight is simply a better fighter, maybe Hector is jealous. I don't know. But this is part of the storytelling process.

 

Treat them as more than just summoned monsters in a duel. Why, exactly, are they fighting three people they just met? In the card game, it makes sense. The summoned creatures are just servants of the duelist's will - tools, in a sense. When you decide to focus on the world of which those creatures are conjured from, well... They cease to be tools. They cease to be servants of a will - instead, they become their own will. They get their own ideas, their own feelings, their own emotion... This is the essence of writing, and you need to understand it.

 

P.S. Please do not bump the thread until you actually have material to contribute.