Arcania: Yeathen

[Juuzou]

[align=center]In a world called arcania, magic surrounds the land as many creatures and powers fight for their lands. this is the story of a great evil, a great Templar, and a transformation that changes life itself...

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[spoiler=chapter 1]

Yeathen, a 16 year old boy with mid length brown hair, stood in the dull stone room, looking at the arcane circle he had drawn. He thought for a long time. The stupid teacher he had been sent to had never let him do anything except puny magic tasks, like hardening mud. Well, today was going to be a bit different.

 

It all started when his parent's found out he had strong connections with the earth. he could easily make silent plains turn into catastrophic wastelands. he was sent to an instructor "for his own good", but he knew that his parents were frightened of him and just wanted him to be out of their lives. so he went to this Instructor.

 

When Yeathen arrived, he saw a large stone house, like a huge gray cube. when he went inside, he saw his teacher. he was a old man with a long gray beard. he carried a spear and wore no shirt, but baggy linen pants. Yeathen was given a beige robe and told to change then come back. afterwords he heard boring stories of lame adventures that he questioned the authenticity of. he knew that this wasn't going to be fun at all.

 

later he was shown a tour, with every single room described to the full extent, except one. that room was banned from going in by the instructor. So, he didn't go in. but eventually, his curiosity burst. that night midnight, he would go through that door.

 

When Yeathen opened the door of the secluded room, he felt a strong power, unlike any other before. it was enchanted with a strong magic the likes he had never felt before. quickly an idea in his brain formed.

 

at this time he studied more than ever before, going through book after book, looking for something that would help in his endeavor. he found very few things, but they would have to do.

 

Within a week, he had made all the necessary actions to have his plans fall into place. he had all the supplies, thought out every detail, made sure he could carry out this task. he entered the enchanted room and drew the arcane circle. that's where he was now.

 

Now he only needed the subject. he walked along the silent corridors until he found one door. after opening it, he sneaked inside, absolutely detained of any noise. he took his staff, raised it high above his head, and came smashing down down the instructor.a as the blood fell from his head, Yeathen dragged him to the enchanted room.

 

[OMGAKITTY]

First: Capitalize at the beginning of sentences >_>

 

First two paragraphs are good, but then you tend to rush the story a bit. Slow down the pace, and add in more detail, especially toward the end, where he is killing his instructor (whom you could have given a name to :/ ). Perhaps give the reader some insight to what Yeathen is feeling as he goes to commit this (probably illegal) task.

 

And reading aligned center is annoying.

[Juuzou]

i changed the align center. thanks =D