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yu-gi-oh- the rise of the demon king

Kyubi20017

By Kyubi20017
in Creative Writing

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Kaisu Newbie

Kaisu

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Posted

woahwoahwoahwoahwoah

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too short. Even for a part one. I read the whole thing in ten seconds.

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Kendo Fish Newbie

Kendo Fish

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Posted

Time for a WEATHER REPORT.

[align=center][align=center][spoiler=YU-GI-OH:

The rise pf the demon]

[/align]

This. Spoiler. Has. No. POINT. WHY!?!?

And spelling/capitalization/coding/EVERYTHING of the title sucks. Did you bother to preview your post? Nope.

[spoiler=Season 1]

Let me correct that title for ya.

[spoiler=[color=orange]Episode One: A Dark Time Part One[/color]]

Much better' date=' isn't it?[/color']

Nighttime, FIFTEEN (spell out yer numbers) years ago

 

"Unnecessary space Dam, what was that noise." First of all, DAM = a beaver's home. DAMN = a curse. So "Beaver's home, what was that noise." Said bluntly, without a question mark, or any description of this voice. Tom the a legend dualist who is protecting the six crystal and the powerful and oddly-capitalized dark dragon Deck, "Better go outside" Tom ran outside unnecessary spacebar press, or USP from the oddly-capitalized The temple of the monks.

This is hilariously bad. Don't take this personally, but that's the truth. MY OPINION. Really, was that all one sentence? What is a "the a legend dualist"? SO...he makes "alpha legend duals" which are soul mates, and the top pairings in the marriage-finding business. Hence the "a" standing for "alpha" in the front. I'm so smart when it comes to deciphering writing. You will be when you realize what's bad about this story.

SECOND, "crystal" is NOT PLURAL. ANd what are the "crystal"? They're definitely not crystals, since the latter is a plural. And even if they were, what is their importance? What do they look like? If he's protecting them, where are they? Supposedly in "The temple of the monks", but we don't even know what THAT looks like.

THIRD, the first comma needs to be a period.

FOURTH, why does he, who is not a DUELIST but a DUALIST, have a deck?

FOURTH, your quotation needs ENDING PUNCTUATION.

FIFTH, DESCRIBE EVERYTHING. Where in the temple was he? Why was he there? WHAT'S GOING ON!?!?

When he got outside he was jumped and PUSHED into the rocks by the demon gang who want to rise the demon king.

What does outside look like? Jumped how? Did he get grabbed by the shoulders, kicked in the face or what? What rocks? They were rounded and polished and pillow-like, right? YEAH. THEY WERE. Who's the Demon Gang?

 

Oh, HERE'S the Demon Gang. A dog and his stuffed animal. THREATENING.

 

And HERE'S Tom, while we're at it.

 

They want to RISE the demon king? First off, why did you group that unnecessary bit of info with the standard description? Show, don't tell! Second, is this past tense or present tense? You just switched! Third, that's bad grammar. What about "who wanted the demon king to rise from his grave" or something? You don't rise something, you MAKE SOMETHING RISE. It's not RISING SOMETHING. "YOU'RE going to pay for that PUNCTUATION" said a nearby bluebird. Not Tom Bradley, or the dog named Demon and his stuffed animal follower. IT'S THE BLUEBIRD, ****IT!

 

Your welcome for correctly separating these paragraphs. After hearing that, the leader John said There was a guy named John? OH, that's the stuffed animal. HE'S the leader, not Demon the dog. COMMA QUOTATION MARK Now give us the deck and the six crystal, before IT'S TOO late."

That last quote was so blunt and without personality that it...wasn't very good at all. And is it supposed to be the six crystal, or is it six crystals? I'm confused. That's like saying "the five sacred beast" and not telling us it's a beast with a freakin' 5 in its fur. Everyone would just figure that's bad grammar. So in conclusion, don't try to be witty and say "It's 6! 6 is for Satan!" and look foolish for bad-looking grammar. A much simpler solution would be naming, oh, the DEMON'S CRYSTAL.

QUOTATION MARK (why are you using colons? It's ridiculous and makes no sense, stop it!) Fine COMMA LET'S dual. QUOTATION MARK GOES HERE, YOU FOOL! John looked shock as he look mad on his face. He looked shock as he look mad on his face. That quote is SO BAD it's priceless.

 

By the way, I'm confused as to what a "dual" is. A "dual" is supposedly two people. So "let's two people" officially sounds stupid. It's SUPPOSED to be "Fine, let's duel" but you spelled it wrong despite EVERYONE (almost) on the forum using DUEL and not DUAL. Sorry, but you just failed.

 

And who would agree to this? They just said,

"Hand over your precious crystal!"

"Fine, let's play a children's card game."

THAT IS NOT WHAT HE ASKED FOR. STUPID TOM BRADLEY.

 

QUOTATION MARK MOVED A SPACE UP, YOU FOOL! Fool is not meant in a "haha you're an idiot" way, it's meant to sound kewl in the sentence. TAKE IT THE RIGHT WAY.

 

Your welcome for MAKING A PARAGRAPH THE RIGHT WAY, TOO. CAPITAL Meet us here at noon and, after we finished with you, your secret deck and cystal will be fought the demon king." Um, if it's secret how come he knows about it? Will be fought the demon king makes no sense. BEEP ERROR. Try inserting "by" in your sentence. And they didn't finish with him yet. They have a problem with tenses in this universe.

 

YOUR WELCOME. " Fine, CAPITAL I, didn't they teach you anything in school (or Microsoft Word/Apple Pages, for that matter) about always capitalizing I? won't let you win." Then out of apparently, the magical land of NO were Badd groomer. they disappeared into the wind as Tom looked on knowing that a showdown would be at noon. If he's able to look on, did he disappear or did he just turn invisible?

 

John quickly got out HIS oddly-capitalized light Deck and began training for ready to dual the demon gang. Do I need to tell you that this sentence is hilariously badly written as well? And...he's about to become the gang's soul mate? What's going on? Where are they now? Didn't they just disappear? Are none of them startled by this? If they've done it before, AT LEAST say that "Tom wasn't surprised by this sudden disappearing. He'd done it before". At least that would make SOME sense.

 

But I suppose they're invisible now. WHY!?!?

At the demon hideout, John was hitting the wall " Beaver's home, I will kill him. QUOTATION MARK And do you expect us to immediately, automatically know that the demon hideout looks like the local Bed, Bath and Beyond? Because that's the image I get.

 

Your welcome. When he said that another member said USE CORRECT GRAMMAR, YOU FOOL! STOP USING THESE SILLY COLONS INSTEAD OF QUOTATION MARKS! we are only after the cards and oddly-capitalized Crystals. QUOTATION MARK So NOW they're crystals. Is it six CRYSTALS or six CRYSTAL? The oddly-capitalized Time was getting closer to...nothing in particular as John was inching for a fight uh, dude, it's ITCHING, and badly constructed sentence anyways, getting HIS oddly-capitalized Power deck out hoping to beat John and kill him.

 

"Sometime Later" is how this should be typed.

 

The first thing that HAPPENED, stick to past tense, you confused wandering misspelled KYUUBI! was that John was looking on as he waiting for the gang to come back. You know, judging by the fact that THAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU TYPED ANYWAY I kind of figured that happened first. And, uh, WHAT DOES THE MAGICAL LAND OF NO LOOK LIKE!?!?

 

I guess THIS is it.

 

so he could fight them.Time went by as noon fell well, duh. COMMA BUT the gang was NOWHERE in sight. John was looking down waiting for the right time to make an oddly-capitalized Dual.As the other two headed to the temple. What other two people? Why say that now? What does that have to do with anything? Why is this sentence so stupid and short, anyway? ANSWER ME! Tom had the crystal which is shaped like a potato chip and the dragon deck (it's THE dragon deck because it's the ONLY dragon deck. But really we mean HIS dragon deck) hidden on him as John finely jumped down meaning he jumped accurately, not that he did it after a period of time, both turn on their dual disk. What did he jump down from? His own ***? Ew? Tom & John " Dual." Nope, Tom and John didn't say that. It was the unseen narrator. Because you didn't directly say they both said it. You just kind of put their names before it. WRITING FAIL.

 

T:9000

J:9000

Why 9000? Oh, wait...

 

"IT'S OVER 9000!!!!!"

"What!? 9000!? That can't be right!"

"Oh, I mean it's...exactly 9000."

"That's stupid."

" I go fist," he shouted, holding up his FIST and not going FIRST. "WHY DO YOU NEVER CAPITALIZE YOUR I'S!? It's basic English, really, and english-second-language is a horrid excuse. When you read something, haven't you noticed that EVERY I THAT ISN'T IN ANOTHER WORD IS CAPITALIZED!?!? draw and now I summon giant rat in attack mode." You need to capitalize proper nouns. Doy. The card life up how do you life up? as the giant rat appeared on the field PERIOD You can describe more than that. It had glowing yellow eyes! It looked evil! It was as tall as Tom Bradley! It had sharp teeth! Stuff that normal rats don't have!

 

ATK:1400/DEF:1450

 

" is that all you got and you meant to be a legend dualist." I thought you had to TRY and type this bad. Isn't' he already "a legend dualist"? He didn't just mean to be. HE WAS. RUn-ON SENTENCE.

" O i am not finish yet, It's Oh, not O. You have a problem with tenses. And capitalize your I's! Really! i pay not play, PAY. That means he gave money to a "super Rat" but didn't place the card on the field super Rat and now gaint rat what's a gaint rat? increase by 2000 attack points monsters don't increase by things, THEIR STATS INCREASE BY THINGS plus you can not summon any monster on your turn." THAT'S a cheap, stupid card of no specified type. I mean, 3400 attack and near-total lockdown! Not to mention it's absurdly STUPID.

 

ATK:3400/DEF:1450

 

John looked SHOCKED as he spoke PERIOD " what, wait that nothing wait to my turn." He fails at grammar. He just became a gangstuh with horrid grammuh to boot, yo.

 

Your welcome." Fine PUNCTUATION your move."

 

" I draw and now I place two cards face down, oddly-capitalized and generally oddly-placed Die!"

 

YOUR WELCOME. I'm tired or correcting this story. SIGH." Fine I draw and now giant rat attack.

" Wait i pay my face down Mirror Force."

" I play tycoon your trap is gone." carry's on tomorrow

 

If you can fix all of the mistakes in the above three sentences, including abbreviated card names and using the wrong terminology, you get a cookie.

 

 

If I had to describe that all with one word, it would be WOW.

 

NOTE: If FOR NO GOOD REASON you give me a negative reputation, I'll put your profile in my signature. We WILL gang up on you. By that I mean members will mos tlikely stop by and give you a neg rep in the face, while replenishing mine to its former, one-more-positive "glory".

 

However, if you DO give a good reason I might apologize, or reinforce my point. You decide.

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