guided.wolf Posted August 18, 2009 Report Share Posted August 18, 2009 Hello everyone, this is the first fanfic that I wrote way back when I was eleven. My friends all seemed to like it so I decided to rewrite it with my now much better dialogue. Hope you enjoy - Jacob [align=center][spoiler=Prologue]As Kamishi walked along the sidewalk he watched the cars in the street to his right zoom past him. To his left he saw the houses of his neighbors. As he came to the end of his block he saw his two friends Momoiro and Ryushi walking on the sidewalk 90° to the left of him. As they all saw each other they stopped walking. Ryushi started jaywalking to the other block avoiding Kamishi. Momoiro just looked at Kamishi, she continued to walk towards the end of the block. As Momoiro and Kamishi grew closer together the scene became even more awkward. When they finally met they just pretended like they were alone and ignored each other. Kamishi was the one who finally broke the silence. "Momo..." he was interrupted "I don't want to talk about it." said Momoiro almost in tears. They continued walking until they found the bus. Ryushi bordered with Momoiro and they left without saying a word. Kamishi just stood still and waited. "Are you gettin' on Kamishi?" said the angry male bus driver. He was chewing gum and rubbing his twelve o'clock shadow. "No Mr. Mimushi, this isn't my bus anymore." replied Kamishi in a low sad voice. The bus drove away never again seen by Kamishi. [spoiler=Explanation]The Prologue is very "foggy" so I decided to post an explanation First I'd like to say that this is actually the epilogue for the prequel but i decided to post it as the prologue for the original (I know that didn't make sense). I would now like to address the names, Kamishi's name was originally Ookamibushi (wolf warrior) but i decided to shorton it to Kamishi which i got the idea from Ryushi, which leads me to Ryushi ryu meaning dragon and shi from bushi meaning warrior I shortened his name from Ryubushi to Ryushi. Momoiro means Pink and was not changed from the original. Mimushi, mi from miniku meaning ugly and mushi which means insect. All info from Japanese.about.com [/align][align=center][spoiler=Chapter1]8/25/09 [/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted August 18, 2009 Report Share Posted August 18, 2009 Oh look, a blob'n'void story.Also, too short. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guided.wolf Posted August 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2009 Each chapter is 10 - 20 ms word pages and p/e logs are 1-2 pages Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 Lemme guess, with the text size on 30.Tak'a look at The Quest, the prolouge is 2+ pages on size 16, lucida bright. Chapters are 6+ pages with text 12. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guided.wolf Posted August 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 Um no actually I write with size 12. It is automatically reset after each word so I don't bother changing the size or font. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 Um no actually I write with size 12. It is automatically reset after each word so I don't bother changing the size or font. I highly doubt that this in size 12 is 10-20 pages in MS Word. It doesn't even take up a full page. Also, the prologue lacks description of any kind, is dull and vague, and seems entirely pointless. In its current form, I see no way that it could contribute to any plot as a whole. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted August 19, 2009 Report Share Posted August 19, 2009 Well! You wrote this when you were eleven, yes. Keep in mind that I wrote some well-received fanfics when I was that age. Failure is not an adolescent's only option. Let's dig into Yugioh (should be Yu-Gi-Oh) High...with a WEATHER REPORT. As Kamishi walked along the sidewalk comma he watched the cars in the street to his right zoom past him. To his left he saw the houses of his neighbors. The cars are Cadillacs and the houses are shaped like baths! As he came to the end of his block he saw his two friends Momoiro and Ryushi walking on the sidewalk 90° to the left of him. Ninety degrees (should be typed out that way)? A bit extreme for fanfic description' date=' don'cha think? What about just "around the corner" or something to that effect? By the way, as KaiKae stated, the characters are all blobs.Oh, looky! Here's the main character! And here's the other guys. As they all saw each other they stopped walking. Ryushi started jaywalking to the other block avoiding Kamishi. Momoiro just looked at Kamishi as she continued to walk towards the end of the block. Of course there's not much description of how these unique, Albanian, Roxas wig-wearin' dog-loving old people do their thing. Just say things like "walked" and "looked" to grab the reader's attention! As Momoiro and Kamishi grew closer together the scene became even more awkward. When they finally met they just pretended like they were alone and ignored each other. Did they...keep going or did they stop to "ignore" the other? The latter is just stupid. Kamishi was the one who finally broke the silence. "Momo..." he was interrupted without any punctuation "I don't want to talk about it comma" said Momoiro comma almost in tears. They came out of her nose and flew into her Roxas wig, making it wilt a little. They continued walking until they found the bus. It was under a pile of leaves. They didn't stop at the bus stop, they didn't wait, it didn't drive up to them, it was found. Ryushi bordered with Momoiro wwhhhatever that means and they left without saying a word. Kamishi just stood still and waited. "Are you gettin' on Kamishi?" said the angry male bus driver. He was chewing gum and rubbing his twelve o'clock shadow. Not saying that quote with a comma kind of sounds like an innuendo. "No Mr. Mimushi, this isn't my bus anymore." replied Kamishi in a low sad voice. Why did he "find" it, then? To throw it away and say "You're not mine!"? The bus drove away comma never again seen by Kamishi. The dramatic undertone eludes me. Does the bus have some...symbolic meaning? Is it Momoiro (heh heh, PINK) whom he never sees again? [spoiler=Explanation]The Prologue is very "foggy" so I decided to post an explanation without adding a period First I'd like to say that this is actually the epilogue for the prequel but i decided to post it as the prologue for the original (I know that didn't make sense). I would now like to address the names, Kamishi's name was originally Ookamibushi (wolf warrior) but i decided to SHORTEN it to Kamishi which i got the idea from Ryushi, which leads me to Ryushi ryu meaning dragon and shi from bushi meaning warrior I shortened his name from Ryubushi to Ryushi. Shi can also mean pride, luxury, or the number four. Seems fine for a name. Momoiro means Pink and was not changed from the original. Mimushi, mi from miniku meaning ugly and mushi which means insect. Mi can also mean fruit or seed. Therefore, fruitbug. But who names their their child that!? All info from Japanese.about.comOverall, take KaiKae's advice. Go over your story and describe more, and remember to use more commas. Reading out loud to see where commas are needed helps. Me, out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick2496~ Posted August 20, 2009 Report Share Posted August 20, 2009 Man its his fic stop critisizing him... even if we writes in 100! Does it matter? And what if the prologue is short.. it doesnt mean that the chapters are too! Man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guided.wolf Posted August 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 20, 2009 Um no actually I write with size 12. It is automatically reset after each word so I don't bother changing the size or font. I highly doubt that this in size 12 is 10-20 pages in MS Word. It doesn't even take up a full page. Also' date=' the prologue lacks description of any kind, is dull and vague, and seems entirely pointless. In its current form, I see no way that it could contribute to any plot as a whole.[/quote'] I said the chapters were 10 pages, The prologue was half a page. Obviously the prologue should have stayed an epilogue for the prequel. I'll write a new Prologue that will make much more sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted August 20, 2009 Report Share Posted August 20, 2009 Um no actually I write with size 12. It is automatically reset after each word so I don't bother changing the size or font. I highly doubt that this in size 12 is 10-20 pages in MS Word. It doesn't even take up a full page. Also' date=' the prologue lacks description of any kind, is dull and vague, and seems entirely pointless. In its current form, I see no way that it could contribute to any plot as a whole.[/quote'] I said the chapters were 10 pages, The prologue was half a page. Obviously the prologue should have stayed an epilogue for the prequel. I'll write a new Prologue that will make much more sense. Good.Man its his fic stop critisizing him... even if we writes in 100! Does it matter? And what if the prologue is short.. it doesnt mean that the chapters are too! Man! Dude... User satisfaction....Also' date=' alow me to edit your post... Man it's his fic stop critisizing him... Even if we writes in 100! Does it matter? And what if the prologue is short.. It doesn't mean that the chapters are too! Man I feel so stupid now!Also, refer to the Jack Witt clause. And a message from me about why we FanFiction reveiwers critisize(Well, me anyway)- The reason we critisize people's writing is to help them improve, and make them move off blobbed script format stories. If everyone was treated this way with their writing, we would have those who are ready to be successful out and about in the world, and those who can't have critisism huddled up in one corner. Take this advice to heart, or it will be left as a mark forever.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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