ragnarok1945 Posted August 28, 2009 Report Share Posted August 28, 2009 ok that's good to hear, not much longer waiting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted August 28, 2009 Report Share Posted August 28, 2009 Well, Mr. Roof asked me to review his fic, so, Mr Roof, don't be angry if I go all WR on your first chapter.[spoiler=Chapter One]“I tribute Double Coston to summon' date=' Dark Horus,” David exclaimed. What's David look like? Where is he?“Hmph. Good move. But thanks to Swords of Revealing Light you still cannot attack so it’s my turn! Now I’ll remove from play the 9 Reptile monsters in my graveyard to summon Evil Dragon Ananta,” Andrew said with a firm and confident voice. He's wrong. If SOLR was active, then it was a stupid move. Also your grammar isn't too good (ex. you still cannot attack so it is my turn = you still can't attack, so it's my turn). Make it sound better. Also, what does ANDREW look like, too? I hate it when people post character lists and think that it's enough. And where are they? And are they playing with or without holograms?“Ha, I still have all my life points so even if you destroy Dark Horus I can destroy your Dragon on my next turn.” Last time I'll say it, so remember it: MAKE YOUR DIALOGUE SOUND MORE NORMAL. I DON'T GO AROUND SAYING 'Ha I have beaten you so try again next time, loser.' DO YOU?!“Haha, think again cause I activate the equip spell card Megamorph!” ARGH, NOOOO.“No. You can’t.” That's unclimactic-sounding. "No, you can't. I won't let you." Suddenly, because some guy didn't listen to the 'urgent' tone in his voice, the Earth exploded.“Oh but I can. And I’ll equip it to my Ananta. Now he has a grand total of 10,800 attack points. Evil Dragon Ananta attack and demolish Dark Horus!” Sorry, I said I'd stop, but your dialogue sounds ridiculous! As you type, say everything your characters say and figure out if it sounds right. “Good game Andrew. Once again you pull off another win.” He sounds so depressed because of the periods he's using. “Thanks David.”David and Andrew headed inside to see what the rest of the gang was up too. “Hey Ashley, how’re you doing?” David walked up to her and kissed her on the cheek.“I’m doing great how’d the duel go, did you win?” She returned the kiss on the cheek and hugged him tightly.“Umm… haha, um, I lost again…” The gang? They have a gaggle of friends?! How were we supposed to know that this white void had other blobs (characters without features = blobs) in it? And also press enter EVERY TIME somebody else talks. I'm sure you know that, but you forgot once here.“Again, what happened this time?” Poop-sounding dialogue. It should be 'Again? What happened this time?' Even the loss of a cool question mark ruins a sentence.“I summoned my Evil Dragon Ananta and equipped Megamorph. He had no chance.” Ashley turned towards Andrew and said, “Oh, well yeah that would explain it. Um… oh yeah Josh was looking for you guys. He said something about the news but I can’t remember exactly. We should go find him.” THEIR MOUTHS ARE SPEWING MORE POOP...WORDS!! MAKE IT SOUND BETTER!! I can't leave it alone, because there are so many reasons for me not to! Those reasons are every single bit of dialogue you type. You need to edit every chapter before saying 'IT'S GOOD!!'. And who's Josh? Does this character have a mouth? This sounds intriguing... David, Andrew, and Ashley began searching for Josh and found him in the backyard in a duel against his and Andrew’s sister, Sarah. Josh had a Black Tyranno on the field and Sarah an Ancient Gear Gadgiltron Dragon. 1. What backyard?2. What does he look like?3. What else is in the backyard?4. What's Sarah look like?5. What's this monster we've all seen before look like (no excuses, describe everything!!)?6. What's this OTHER monster look like? “I activate the spell card Lightning Vortex. So by discarding my Ancient Gear your Black Tyranno is destroyed!” A lightning bolt exploded from the Ancient Gear and struck Black Tyranno in the face, destroying him. Thanks for describing the spell, at least. Also, you shouldn't normally start a sentence with 'so'. Fix your dialogue!! Also, hitting in the face sound dumb. Make it hit... its back. It's more likely to happen that way.“Oh no…” To bad she doesn’t know I’ve got Magic Cylinder face down.“Next I activate Giant Trunade to send your face-down back to your hand!”Oh that’s just super, thought Josh. AH, HAHAHAHA. How funny! He was slightly sad because of that card she used! HA! 'That's just super'? FUNNY!! And you used the wrong 'too'. And the girl's dilogue sounds clunky again.“Now Ancient Gear Gadjiltron Dragon attack his life points directly for game”! From now on, I'm calling every line anybody types that sound weird 'clunky'. Thanks for helping me discover this word. Also her line here is clunky again.“Rawwwwwr!” “Aggh…” How'd it attack? It summoned a gigantic cannon and aimed it at the poor blob. It charged up energy and glowed brightly, as the stars in the night sky... and shot a muffin at his head, serving no purpose but to annoy him. And yes, I got that from the Invader Zim episode, "Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom". “Nice move Sarah. Josh you should have known that would’ve happened. You should have set your Magic Jammer.” WHO SAID THAT?! And also, DUH he'd have set that card IF HE'D DRAWN IT. So that comment is now null and void. NULLANDVOID!!“Yeah I guess I should have….” Clunky.“Wasn’t there something you wanted to tell me and Andrew?” Okay, FOR ONCE.“… Oh yeah! There’s going to be a tournament this Saturday. And guess who the judges are?” Who said this?“Who,”? Everyone asked the same question. Clunky line.“Yugi Muto, Seto Kaiba, Joey Wheeler, and Maximillion Pegasus”!!! Why do you need judges for a tournament? All you need is one or two referees. Are they judging how awesome their style is(although they have to lose)? And why is the lineup so obvious? Why them? Is this the 'Super Special Awesome World Tournament Matchup Cup Armageddon Day of Reckoning Match Battle of the Ages Smackdown 09': Yu-Gi-Oh Tournament'? And stop putting your punctuation outside of your quotation marks, you did that a few times.“No way”!! “We have to go!” STOP WHAT I JUST SAID!! And also, NEW PARAGRAPH FOR NEW SPEAKER!!“Yeah, that’s why I already bought us admission tickets. Here you guys go.” Does he... give them tickets?“Thanks Josh!” Everyone gathered around and hugged Josh. Apparently not, as he WAS NOT described as giving them the tickets. And not everybody hugs their friends at such short notice. And why did the little sister never say anything after the game? And why do you always skip so much description and make such clunky lines? *** [align=left][/align]4 hours later everyone had gone home except Ashley. She had wanted to spend some more time with David. ONCE AGAIN, WHERE DOES THIS TAKE PLACE? The Space Station: Genesis, launched in two-thousand-eleventy-twelve? In the 'hood, where shootings happen every day and drug dealers live at every street corner? I wish I knew how these people looked...“So, are you excited about the tournament as much as I am?” WHOSAIDTHAT?!“Ashley you know I am. I can’t wait.” Oh, ASHLEY said that. Say so. Also, CLUNKY. They both went to kiss on the lips when a voice exploded, “Oh no you don’t! Rawwwr”! Aww, that's so obviously, irritatingly cute! A furry little creature with a construction helmet and whistle jumped between them to prevent the kiss. WHAT THE HECK?! RESCUE CAT?! THAT'S NOT A FUNNY REFERENCE, NOR IS IT A FUNNY THING TO HAVE HIM ALL OF A SUDDEN APPEAR. MAKE GOOD HUMOUR.“You know da rule. No lip touching while I be around or until your of the 16! If you do iz get nasty thoughts…” Retarded accent?! NOOOOOO.“Rescue Cat…”“Don’t you Rescue Cat me. You know da rule and you goings to listenz to it.”“Ok… well, would you like me to walk you home Ashley?” “No it’s ok. I’ll be fine. Love you.”“Love you too. See you tomorrow.”“Bye.”“Bye.” That wasn't fun at all. After Ashley had left Rescue Cat said, “Thank da Gods I preventz dat kiss. Who knowz how far it would have gotten.”“What! You thought we were going to… Rescue Cat!!!”“What! You never knowz what could have happenzd.”“Well certainly not that. I’m going to bed. Good night Rescue Cat.”“Good nightz.” David laid on the bed and Rescue Cat jumped onto his chest. In a matter of seconds they began to dream.Um... he has a pet Rescue Cat that believes nobody these days practices abstinence? Well, almost nobody does, but he's still not funny and never will be. Sure, my 'Wild West Bob' has Chippie, a talking chipmunk, but at least he's cool! And he has a better accent. I think that you need to fix your dialogue, make characters with more concrete personalities, describe everybody, and overall re-write this chapter. Please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eury Posted August 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2009 Thx Weather. Unlike other people I will not overreact or get angry over your comments. Actually, I was hoping you'd criticize. I'll do what I can to fix the chapter. What suggestions do you have for Rescue Cat? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragnarok1945 Posted August 29, 2009 Report Share Posted August 29, 2009 Trust me davidroof, you see some of the critics at ff.net, you'll see why people change their review moods Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eury Posted August 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2009 Chapter 5 is up. Enjoy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatPhantomGuy Posted August 30, 2009 Report Share Posted August 30, 2009 This is a pretty good fan fic... Just a couple minor grammer problems here and there, but overall it's a good story so far. I'll keep reading, consider me subscribed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eury Posted August 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2009 Thx Phantom :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragnarok1945 Posted August 30, 2009 Report Share Posted August 30, 2009 and to think of a female counterpart as arrogant as Kaiba, the next chap will prove VERY interesting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatPhantomGuy Posted August 30, 2009 Report Share Posted August 30, 2009 Aha ha ha ha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eury Posted August 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2009 Aha ha ha ha!...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eury Posted August 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2009 @ragnarok1945: I can assure you this will probably be the most interesting duel yet. I am going to try and make the duel 2 chapters long. It will be very exciting.Kaiba's Deck List has been added. Is it okay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragnarok1945 Posted August 30, 2009 Report Share Posted August 30, 2009 I was actually surprised that Kaiba had a Tyrant Dragon in his deck. It's a good card, but I never knew Kaiba used it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mysty Posted August 30, 2009 Report Share Posted August 30, 2009 You're missing Luster Dragon #2. He used it in his duel with Sigfried.Kaiba never used Tyrant Dragon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragnarok1945 Posted August 30, 2009 Report Share Posted August 30, 2009 He also used it in the virtual world against Exodia Necros Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eury Posted August 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 31, 2009 Tyrant Dragon was entirely my decision. He fits Kaiba more than Luster Dragon #2. If you guys want I can add Luster Dragon #2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eury Posted August 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 31, 2009 Uploaded David and Ashley's avatars. Thx to Queen Ashe for telling how to make them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragnarok1945 Posted August 31, 2009 Report Share Posted August 31, 2009 so will we see Kaiba use Tyrant Dragon in the duel then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eury Posted August 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 31, 2009 Yeah, he'll use it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragnarok1945 Posted August 31, 2009 Report Share Posted August 31, 2009 then I'll look forward to it. Not sure how his deck will effectively tie into it..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eury Posted August 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 31, 2009 Probably summon it with FOSD. Btw would guys rather David have the current DARK deck or a Chimerateck Overdragon OTK deck? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragnarok1945 Posted August 31, 2009 Report Share Posted August 31, 2009 I usually dislike OTK tactics in fanfics, keep the current DARK deck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eury Posted September 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2009 Might be gettin the piggy flu. If I don't get it Chapter 6 will be up on Friday or Saturday night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragnarok1945 Posted September 2, 2009 Report Share Posted September 2, 2009 that's going to become VERY dangerous. I suggest you suspend fic activities until you're sure you don't have it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eury Posted September 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2009 It's not that bad right now except my throat hurts like a jabroni. The only reason I think I might get it is because a ton of my friends got it. Anyway I'm not going to let a simple Influenza virus slow my work down. That's dedication right there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ragnarok1945 Posted September 2, 2009 Report Share Posted September 2, 2009 oh that, I developed something like that, but it went away after just 2 days. I'd say wait a couple days, if it dies down, then you're fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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