the great hunt. (part one) the beginning

[feline card maker]

Joeys runs down a dark alley filled with duelists, he searched in every crowd, but he still kept running, "where are you!" he muttered in a frustrated tone.

"we can't keep doing like this, Joey!" said a voice from behind him. "we need to rest, you've been searching for a whole week, nonstop!"

"Ta's right Joey," said Tristan. "you can't survive without rest."

"but I have to find her." a tear ran down joeys face. joeys facial expression suddenly changed. he stood up and screamed, "I can't let anything happen to her. and I will find her even if I must die."

"don't worry joey. Mai and Yugi are with her, They won't let anything happen to her" Ta comforted him.

"Serenity!!!" Joey screamed "where are you!"

[Weather Report - Stand]

Okay, this story is subject to one of my famously harsh reviews. Also known as a WEATHER REPORT.

Joeys runs down a dark alley filled with duelists' date=' he searched in every crowd, but he still kept running, "where are you!" he muttered in a frustrated tone.

First of all, what's this story even about? All I can see is that: You don't use enough grammar. Your description is terrible. You have several Joeys running down the same alley, since that's what you said. No wonder he couldn't find some guys, all he could see were more Joeys! fix the typos. Also I must again stress how bad you are at providing description.

"we can't keep doing like this, Joey!" said a voice from behind him. "we need to rest, you've been searching for a whole week, nonstop!"

OH NO, IT'S A GENGAR!! Or some other type of ghost, I suspect. Shouldn't he know who it is? If I didn't know who was chasing me, I'd turn around and punch them out!! That is, if I were Joey. And by he's been searching non-stop for the entire week, was he running around in these alleys, dodging through herds of Joeys?

"Ta's right Joey," said Tristan. "you can't survive without rest."

Oh, of course, the chaser was Ta, the Haunter. Which is another ghost pokemon, for those who don't know. Also, fix your capitalization errors and stop typing so fast. Otherwise you'd have noticed your OBVIOUS spelling errors. And add more description, once again.

"but I have to find her." a tear ran down joeys face. joeys facial expression suddenly changed. he stood up and screamed, "I can't let anything happen to her. and I will find her even if I must die."

Joey doesn't talk like that! He'd be all like, "But I got ta' find'er, and I can't let anything 'appen ta' 'er! I'll find 'er, even at 'da cost 'a my life. Nyeeh..." You really don't have him in character, since he DOESN'T SAY THINGS LIKE 'and I will find her even if I must die". NOBODY speaks like that. And your capitalization is still crappy. And are we going to get a flashback soon, maybe?

"don't worry joey. Mai and Yugi are with her, They won't let anything happen to her" Ta comforted him.

Oh, if the short kid and the girl who almost never wins a single duel are with her, she's DEFINITELY safe. But if she's with them, then why does he have to run all over the city for a whole week?! that makes no sense. AND WHO THE HELL IS THIS 'TA' PERSON?! CAN YOU SPELL 'TEA'?! PLEASE LEARN HOW.

"Serenity!!!" Joey screamed "where are you!"

Uh, with Mai and Yugi, retard.

Upon closer inspection, even your title sucks.

'the great hunt' What hunt? Joey just retardedly runs through the streets while he could have just called up Yugi and asked where his sister was. Also, learn to use capitals. '(part one)' CAPITALS. 'the beginning' Could you have possibly come up with an even MORE commonly used cliche, please? AND PLEASE USE CAPITAL LETTERS MORE OFTEN.

 

The story itself is impossibly short. It's small even for a blurb on the back of a novel! Try to type MORE next time. And make more sense, too, since this 'beginning' gives us no clues to the storyline. Which is too bad, because now people will put you down for that. Re-write this with more backstory, description and spell-check.

[Kendo Fish]

How dare you call my brother a retard via PM! If you can't double-check a story within a few days, do it later! You're not shopping 24/7, are you!? NO. SO DO IT.

 

And when I was ten I wrote good fan fiction. Heck, I'm not in high school now and have some well-received fan fiction.

[RyanAtlus]

NEG THE WITCH!

 

Now, I don't flame level 1's very often (neither do I lie or visit YCM), but the pink cloud man and the freaky fish guy were right. Your story's even worse than GX. And it makes less sense than September 2009's banlist.

 

I don't know whether you're an english native speaker, but if you are, you should be ashamed. Even more ashamed than Kazuki Takahashi for coming up with GX. Or Konami for writing the September 2009 banlist.

 

And why do I have the feeling your account is a joke? Just as big as a joke as...you know...