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Digimon : Primal Awakening

Skyfi

By Skyfi
in Creative Writing

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Phantom Roxas Enthusiast

Phantom Roxas

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Before I give you a Weather Report, I must say this. This is an awful lot like Hopeless Paradise.

 

[spoiler=Watch, I can Ad Lib just to prove it.]

(Gallantmon/Baihumon), a badass member of the (Royal Knights/Sovereigns) head off to (the Tower of Babel/Sovereign's Peak) (alone/with his loyal servant Chatsuramon). (There/On their way), they meet Barbamon, who was ready to fight (him/them) (alone/with the help of Daemon). (Gallantmon/Baihumon), despite being very powerful, is ultimately defeated by Barbamon's Pandemonium Lost. Later, the rest of the (Royal Knights/Sovereigns) mourn the loss of their comrade. One of the members ultimately decides to call upon help from the human world.

 

In the real world, the brown-haired (Since I think brunette is usually meant to refer to females) (Yuusuke/Uryu (Another reason! Both of them happen to share their names with an anime character)) meets his black-haired classmate (Alex/Shane). (Alex/Uryu) are generic angsty teenagers.

 

 

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Phantom Roxas Enthusiast

Phantom Roxas

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WEZZA REPOTTO

 

[spoiler=Chapter 2 - The Destiny Of Many]

The cave was lit only by a large fire in the center' date=' So we're just in a standard cave? Nothing fancy about the interior?[/color'] the three Sovereigns unnecessary comma surrounding it. All was silent at the recent loss of a friend. They know this how? Chatsuramon slowly approached the fiery phoenix Zhuqiaomon, the almighty dragon Azulongmon, and the massive beast Ebonwumon. So we know we got a phoenix and a dragon, but we just have some sort of beast here?

 

"My lords...Baihumon told me to deliver this to you, right before h-"Unnecessary Enter Press! Chatsuramon looked at the faces of his leaders, he felt a sort of depression, or anger coming from the Sovereigns. He was not sure if he should continue to talk or just deliver the Prime Key.

 

"Chatsuramon, continue please. We cannot change the past," the dragon spirit told Chatsuramon.

 

"Azulongmon, my liege, he gave me this piece of data to deliver to you. He called it the "Key Fragment". All I know is that this is what Barbamon and Daemon were after earlier today. This is the reason Baihumon is no longer with us. Azulongmon, can you tell me what this is, and why the Demon Lords are after it?"

 

"Baihumon," the phoenix yelled in rage. "That fool, what-"

 

"No, Zhuqiaomon," Azulongmon interrupted. "Baihumon knew that today would be his last day. That is way he decided to bring his Fragment with him. He knew that the Demon Lords would attack today, he just wasn't sure when. He knew if he was to die today, if he left it at his base in Western Area, it would have been free for the Demon Lords to take. Chatsuramon, you know the story of Primemon, correct? These are the keys used to free him."

 

"Which means if they succeed...This is the end of the Digital World as we know it" The massive turtle moaned. Whoa, now there's a turtle in here? How come Ebonwumon didn't get the chance to talk, but some random turtle just pops out of nowhere just to get a line in? I do hope the other Sovereigns comment on this sudden appearance.

 

"But n-nobody could defeat P-Primemon" Chatsuramon shuddered just saying the name of this almight Primemon. Ladies and gentleman, one of the twelve Devas of the Digital World.

 

"It's time then isn't it?"

 

A fourth shadow arrived from the cave entrance. As the golden dinosaur A dinosaur? Like, a stegosaurus? A velociraptor? Oh, oh, I know! A brachiosaur! I know there we already have a dragon, but I wanted another dragon. Gold dragons are awesome! approached them, all of the Sovereigns bowed.

 

"Fanglongmon, I didn't realize you were arriving." Ebonwumon said with the utmost respect. Hurray, the beast of unspecified origin has spoken!

 

"That is of no importance now, with the loss of our companion, and the Demon Lords trying to bring back Primemon, the most dangerous Digimon that has ever been. Even the Royal Knights unnecessary comma and the Olympus Twelve won't be enough. It's time we call upon the humans."

 

Fanglongmon held out his Key Fragments Plural? Baihumon got one, but Fanglongmon has a countless assortment of these Fragments?, as did the other Sovereigns. Fanglongmon and the others each blasted the keys with their own attacks as the Keys started to glow. Each Key turned into a Digi-Vice. A Digi-Vice? What does that look like?

 

"Now go! Find the Digi-Destined!" Fanglongmon preached as the Keys flew into the air.

 

Where did the turtle go? I knew it, he did show up just to get a random line in! Those no-good turtles.

 

---

 

"And here's your test back Uryu," said (insertnamehere). He was wearing short shorts, a pink tank top that said "I <3 Wolverine." His toupee was on the verge of falling off. "I know you can do better then this."

 

This had been the fifth time this month that Uryu had received a C- on his AP unnecessary space press: Human History class this year. What does this random student look like?

 

"Im sorry Mr. Zamora, I'm really trying my best" The tall brunette whined. I thought brunettes were girls? Where did this random chick come from, and why is she talking like she's Uryu?

 

"It's fine Uryu, but please pay more attention in class next time. Okay class have a good weekend!" He's talking to Uryu and ignoring this random brunette chick, then suddenly there's an entire class?

 

Uryu approached his locker and saw his friend ShaneWho was wearing a Twilight T-shirt. Uryu punched his locker as he whined to Shane.

 

"Damn it Shane, this is getting on my nerves, I study all night but still get a C- on what could be one of the biggest exams this year."

 

"Haha buddy, C- is bad? Then my D- isn't good? No sh*t, Sherlock. If a C- is bad, then a D- is terrible. Oh well," his careless black-haired friend chuckled.

 

"Dude stop screwing aro-" Haaris was interrupted as they were walking outside. Shane pulled him to the side of the school. WAIT. Who's this Haaris kid all of a sudden?

 

"Holy crap that was Lenny, Shane said. "He said if I didn't bring him lunch today after school, he would kill me." Lenny? Where was he?

 

"Haha Shane not so fun anymor-" Uryu and Shanes cellphones began to ring at the same time. They both picked up the calls to hear the voice of Fanglongmon. They know Fanglongmon? HOW THE HELL DO THEY KNOW FANGLONGMON!?

 

"Please, reply to this message. We need you to save the Digital World, you are one of the few chosen for this task."

 

"Haha, sure I'll play along" Shane said, as he texted "Yes"" back to the number.

 

"Fine, I'll do the same, Shane," Uryu teased as he began to text. After both of the young boys had sent their replies, their phones started to glow, as they were taken through the stream of dimensions. Wait, WTF just happened? I know they're at the side of the school, but absolutely no one witnessed that?

 

[spoiler=Without the blue]

The cave was lit only by a large fire in the center, the three Sovereigns surrounding it. All was silent at the recent loss of a friend. Chatsuramon slowly approached the fiery phoenix Zhuqiaomon, the almighty dragon Azulongmon, and the massive beast Ebonwumon.

 

"My lords...Baihumon told me to deliver this to you, right before h-" Chatsuramon looked at the faces of his leaders, he felt a sort of depression, or anger coming from the Sovereigns. He was not sure if he should continue to talk or just deliver the Prime Key.

 

"Chatsuramon, continue please. We cannot change the past," the dragon spirit told Chatsuramon.

 

"Azulongmon, my liege, he gave me this piece of data to deliver to you. He called it the 'Key Fragment'. All I know is that this is what Barbamon and Daemon were after earlier today. This is the reason Baihumon is no longer with us. Azulongmon, can you tell me what this is, and why the Demon Lords are after it?"

 

"Baihumon," the phoenix yelled in rage. "That fool, what-"

 

"No, Zhuqiaomon," Azulongmon interrupted. "Baihumon knew that today would be his last day. That is way he decided to bring his Fragment with him. He knew that the Demon Lords would attack today, he just wasn't sure when. He knew if he was to die today, if he left it at his base in Western Area, it would have been free for the Demon Lords to take. Chatsuramon, you know the story of Primemon, correct? These are the keys used to free him."

 

"Which means if they succeed...This is the end of the Digital World as we know it," the massive turtle moaned.

 

"But n-nobody could defeat P-Primemon" Chatsuramon shuddered just saying the name of this almight Primemon.

 

"It's time then, isn't it?"

 

A fourth shadow arrived from the cave entrance. As the golden dinosaur approached them, all of the Sovereigns bowed.

 

"Fanglongmon, I didn't realize you were arriving." Ebonwumon said with the utmost respect.

 

"That is of no importance now, with the loss of our companion, and the Demon Lords trying to bring back Primemon, the most dangerous Digimon that has ever been. Even the Royal Knights unnecessary comma and the Olympus Twelve won't be enough. It's time we call upon the humans."

 

Fanglongmon held out his Key Fragments , as did the other Sovereigns. Fanglongmon and the others each blasted the keys with their own attacks as the Keys started to glow. Each Key turned into a Digi-Vice.

 

"Now go! Find the Digi-Destined!" Fanglongmon preached as the Keys flew into the air.

 

---

 

"And here's your test back Uryu," said Mr. Zamora. "I know you can do better then this."

 

This had been the fifth time this month that Uryu had received a C- on his AP: Human History class this year.

 

"Im sorry Mr. Zamora, I'm really trying my best" The tall brunette whined.

 

"It's fine Uryu, but please pay more attention in class next time. Okay class have a good weekend!"

 

Uryu approached his locker and saw his friend Shane. Uryu punched his locker as he whined to Shane.

 

"Damn it Shane, this is getting on my nerves, I study all night but still get a C- on what could be one of the biggest exams this year."

 

"Haha buddy, C- is bad? Then my D- isn't good? Oh well," his careless black-haired friend chuckled.

 

"Dude stop screwing aro-" Haaris was interrupted as they were walking outside. Shane pulled him to the side of the school.

 

"Holy crap that was Lenny, Shane said. "He said if I didn't bring him lunch today after school, he would kill me."

 

"Haha Shane not so fun anymor-" Uryu and Shanes cellphones began to ring at the same time. They both picked up the calls to hear the voice of Fanglongmon.

 

"Please, reply to this message. We need you to save the Digital World, you are one of the few chosen for this task."

 

"Haha, sure I'll play along" Shane said, as he texted "Yes"" back to the number.

 

"Fine, I'll do the same, Shane," Uryu teased as he began to text. After both of the young boys had sent their replies, their phones started to glow, as they were taken through the stream of dimensions.

 

 

 

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Phantom Roxas Enthusiast

Phantom Roxas

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I was right not to expect much considering how quickly it took you to write this, but seriously, you threw the plot right in our faces. I'm also rather annoyed by the fact that you gave Leah FanBeemon since I was going to use one for Hopeless Paradise, and I had even picked out who I was going to make her the partner of. However, there was no way you could have known that, so I'll let it slide. We can both stick with using FanBeemon in our fics, just because we can. The kids not only become acquainted rather fast, but they adapted to the very existence of Digimon even faster. The only thing that comes to mind is Twilight and how awfully fast Bella took in Edward being a sparkly vampire and falling in love with him. You hardly have any build-up and you made sure to not only form the whole team as quick as possible, but to give them Digimon as well. So far, absolutely none of the characters strike me as interesting.

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Phantom Roxas

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There was no development, it just started out of nowhere. If you had used the word "cute" even once to described Hikari and have neither Uryu nor Shane argue about her at all in this chapter, I would have actually liked that much more, but this? It just lacked effort, I'm sorry. Ordinarily, I absolutely love implied feelings of attraction, but I'm nowhere near as interested.

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Nexev Newbie

Nexev

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Okay I see several small problems. The thirteen Critisms of sorrow (though sugestions are also added), bolded are the most important while the others you should look over later.

 

1 Commandramon does not talk like a solider.

2 Bahiumon is the strongest sovergion next to Fangloupmon or whatever (not good with names)

3 The reason 2 is important is that the only reasonable path to retrive the EXTREMLY valuable data that the tamers are carryng is to personally do it, thus you can ensure the project follows at the highest possible efficency and the key fragments are not misplaced during the transition or a failure on the minions part to defeat main characters. Or if one of the villians wishes to use primemon himself and uses the keys for his on reasons.

4 If the Demon Lords are as smart as me and realize my reasons then the protagonists are royaly and epically doomed.

5 The obvious solution to primemon are the deciptimons who are digimon in disguise.

6 Lunamon and Cornamon are secretly menbers of the olympus twelve (which where stated to exist). This will never come to play in the story probbaly since Demon lords will be to busy wiping the floor with the tamers corpses, and they will not use proper cleaning detergents because villians of a dastardly nature make the consioncus effort to NOT be sanitary.

7 If Cornomon was Kudamon and Lunamon Falcomon than UltimateChaosmon could have been made later in the game, considering the fact that rookies can't get near him due to the aura he gives he might've stoud a chance against Primemon.

8 Primemon would have either learned the error of his ways from self anylization in the hundred of years he was gone, or got so bored and hungry (since the Celestials weren't as considerate to give him a DS to play, cheetos to eat, or even a computer with internet so he can go on a form about card games and critizes a fanfic about a entirely different francise that also has a card game). PRimemon may kill the whole world one man at a time just so he can finally do something. And can you plan him?

9 Belphemon has his own line, I don't know why it's important but if you look up Astamon he clearly has the line. Maybe Belphemon could be a partner of the... dark trainer (cue lighting bolt)? However this is not critism.

10. I dare you to use MetalPiranimon. You will probbaly be the first person to ever use him in a fic.

11. I'm not sure, just want to get to thirteen at this point.

12 If the tamers do win how can they celebrate victory cake if the cake is a lie?

13 This one is serious, there is a digimon called Parallelmon in it that can cross universes, maybe this could be done once between fics or maybe it could just teleport to PRimemon and is itslef the PRime key's true form.

 

I'm suprised no one thought of my ideas before.

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The Warden Enthusiast

The Warden

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Passion, it seemed kinda stilted in that department. It is the beggining granted, but it doesn't seem as if you're trying to possess any real interest. I was told once that the first few chapters need a bit of immersion to drag the readers in, and the way Uryu and Shane become Digidestined is a bit unsubtle really. I mean, mysterious message and they don't even consider whoever the hell it might be or if it is even a joke.

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Nexev Newbie

Nexev

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The thing with the joke is simply how physically impossible it is for it to be one.

 

Since it will be incredibly forced if they start disbeliving now you could make it so all of them simply think that it is a pleasent exciting dream and are just patiently waiting to wake up, they don't act like they belive it because if they act like they do then it is either not a dream (since you cannot actually press disbelief in a dream) and thierfore reality-a scary, scary thing OR since you figured out it was a dream you'll wake up.

 

Also since thier in two different dimensions it could be possible that the transfer between dimensions or merely the atmosphere of the digital world itself could have a nerological effect. Specically causing the victim's abillity of deductive reasoning weaking so they are able to accept what just happened despite how unlikely it is. Another possibility is it increases the subjects abbility to accept change, meaning that they are mentally less rooted to thier belifs because of either the digital world or the act of dimensional traveling.

 

Thus they are able to accept that thier world is not nearly as important as they thought and that humanity doesn't exist alone, as well as the fact that they have to stop a powerful group that killed a menber of an organization that looks like each menber could kill the tamers in glance should they desire so. Plus it made it so they could accept that they have a bunch of tiny little monsters following them that look like stuffed animals compared to the sovergiens, said animals are supposedly will help them against an organization that could kill a sovregim which makes it like using a water pistol against a minigun.

 

However the main character was still unable to belive what happened which could mean that he is either has a small imunity or resistance to traveling dimensions or the digital world. Or it could mean that he is just less/more imaginitive than the others and either it did not occur to him it could be a dream or he is less rooted in his beliefs so he thinks what happened is a bit more possible then the others.

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