LOCK PLEASE

[darkassasain314]

Steve, the main character, is a decent duelist. He will lose here and there, but overall a good duelist. He has three younger cousins that duel by his side. One is Cole. He plays a Blackwing deck, loves to duel and hang with Steve and the others. Second is Hunter. He loves to tinker with machines, witch is why he plays a machine deck. Third is Owen. He is your typical one-year-old that can swear, play yugioh, talk like a grown adult, and can create cool gadgets. He plays a Blue-Eyes White Dragon deck. Here is their story.

 

One day, at a Suntrust bank in North Carolina, there was a robbery. "Give me all the money!" the robber said as he pointed his pistol to the manager. "Now! Or I'll blow this place and every one in it to bits!" Owen was in his underground lab working on a plasma rifle, when he heard a news forcast on the raidio. "There has been a robbery at the Suntrust bank in Wakefield Plantation. The robber demands 600 million dollars. If he does not get what he wants, he will detonate 30 pounts of C-4, destroying the entire bank!" said the news reporter.

 

"Hmm.." said Owen. "That's just around the corner! Maybe I can do something about it." Owen quick grabbed his deck and duel disk, and rushed to the bank. He kicked open the doors and yelled, " Hey you!" the robber turned. He was wearing a duel disk! "We duel!" said Owen. I win, and you surrender to the police. You win, and you get the money and are free to go." "Agreed." said the robber. "Lets Duel!" "I''ll go first said Owen. "Draw! I summon a monster in defence mode! then I play, Fusion Sage! This lets me add Polymerization to my hand. That ends my turn!" "My move said the robber. Draw! I summon Zure, Knight of Dark World in attack mode! As he placed the card on his duel disk a skeletal like figure with a sword burst from the ground. Zure attack! Dark World Slash! The monster jumped into the air and landed on Owen's face down monster, cutting it in half with his sword.

 

"Ha!" said Owen. "When White stone of Legend is sent to the Graveyard, the Blue-Eyes White Dragon comes to my hand!" "Fine, I end my turn!" said the robber. "Okay, draw!" said Owen. I play Polymerization! Fuse my three dragons to form the Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon!" Three white dragons emerged from his hand, and entered a dark portal. "Come forth!" said Owen. Just then a giant three headed dragon emerged from the portal. "Attack Zure!" said Owen. "Neon Blast!"

[Kendo Fish]

Before I go any further with the punishing ordeal that is a WEATHER REPORT, it looks too short. And...the Awesome Chronicles? Sounds weird to me. I like weird things. Let's get started...

Steve' date=' the main character, is a decent duelist. Well, gee, thanks for telling and not showing. He will lose here and there, but overall a good duelist. This sentence needs another "he's". Once again, THANKS. He has three younger cousins that duel by his side. One is Cole. He plays a Blackwing deck, loves to duel and hang with Steve and the others. Second is Hunter. He loves to tinker with machines, witch is why he plays a machine deck. Third is Owen. He is your typical one-year-old that can swear, play yugioh, talk like a grown adult, and can create cool gadgets. He plays a Blue-Eyes White Dragon deck. Erm? You just shoved these into my face! Technically! Why must you tell and not show? Plus, you describe their personalities (which should REALLY just be written into the story itself) but NOT their appearance? WHA??? And they duel by his side? Does that mean they take on enemies 4-on-1? That's not really fair. Oh well, let's go with it. Cole sounds bland thus far. You used the wrong "witch", and it should be "which". The Wicked Which of the West!? Anyway, why is it that the mechanic kid must use machines? My brother Weather Report is a humorous writers, but duels with zombies. Besides, unless it's a Cyber Dragon or Machine Synchro deck, I haven't seen many new cards for the type.

 

WOAH! You made a Big Bad Baby Boy counterpart! In case you didn't know, Big Bad Baby Boy is a character in the story Wild West Bob, written by Weather Report and I. We both have a talking one-year-old in our stories. Irony...!? I guess so. Anyways, this baby had better be bad-arse, and his deck had better stand a chance against BBBB's Skull Servant/Ojama deck. I got a bit off-topic there. FORGIVE MEEEE.....

 

Here is their story.

 

One day, at a Suntrust bank in North Carolina, there was a robbery. Wow! A real-world story! I smell possible humor. But...isn't "there was a robbery" a bit too plain? Opening up to "Gimme all yer moneh" would be much more exciting, in my opinion. "Give me all the money!" the robber said as he pointed his pistol to the manager. "Now! Or I'll blow this place and every one in it to bits!" Gee, I wonder what this "Suntrust Bank" looks like. I know it's a real place and I've seen it a few times, but I've never been inside and am pretending all I've seen are Chases and Wachovias.

 

You're welcome for correctly separating these paragraphs. Owen was in his underground lab working on a plasma rifle, when he heard a news forcast on the raidio. WHAT THE? Okay, first of all, two signs you didn't spell-check. Second, you act like everyone lives in an underground base, since you don't describe it. What do plasma rifles look like? Where's the radio placed? On his head? Oh, right. I get'cha. So Owen looks like...a puggle, his underground base is bright red and perfectly rounded, his plasma rifle looks like a microscopic gatling for some reason, and the orange square-shaped radio is atop his head. "There has been a robbery at the Suntrust bank in Wakefield Plantation. The robber demands 600 million dollars. 600 should be six hundred. If he does not get what he wants, he will detonate 30 pounts third sign you didn't spell-check of C-4, destroying the entire bank!" said the news reporter. He didn't yell, shout, talk frantically, speak calmly as if this happened everyday. He just...said.

 

"Hmm.." said Owen. He sounds like Popeye. A baby hedgehog who sounds like a sailor man...huh. "That's just around the corner! Maybe I can do something about it." He talks to himself. Well, he's 1. What'cha gonna do. Owen quick grabbed his deck and duel disk how do you quick grab something? So I was grabbing for so long and was always out of this "quick grab" trend? My life is a lie, apparently, and rushed to the bank. Which, apparently, took six seconds. He blasted a hole through the top of his base, swiftly scurried up the wall, and immediately appeared outside of the bank. He kicked open the doors and yelled, " Hey you!" the should be capitalized. robber turned. He was wearing a duel disk! Though it has mistakes, the randomness and humor of this story is quite satisfying. "We duel!" said Owen. He just said. NOTHING ELSE! QUOTATION MARKI win, and you surrender to the police. You win, and you get the money and are free to go."

 

You're welcome for separating these paragraphs. "Agreed." said the robber. "Lets Duel!"

 

Uh...erm...I thought you said the puggle wasn't the MAIN CHARACTER. Where is he? "I''ll go first COMMA QUOTATION MARK said Owen. "Draw! I summon a monster in defence mode! I know They Might be British, but according to my computer, defence should be defense. then I play unnecessary comma Fusion Sage! This lets me add Polymerization to my hand. That ends my turn!" That turn was a bit rushed. By the way, was there anyone else in the bank? Why isn't anyone shocked by this puggle dueling this robber into submission, and won't a cop come behind him and yell "you're under arrest" while handcuffing him?

 

You're welcome. "My move COMMA QUOTATION MARK said the robber. QUOTATION MARKDraw! I summon Zure, Knight of Dark World in attack mode!QUOTATION MARK As he placed the card on his duel disk a skeletal unnecessary like figure with a sword burst from the ground. WOAH!! Description! But...what about what everything else looks like? Of all things you only describe this? And since I have no idea about the details of this "skeletal knight", I assume it looks like THIS: [spoiler=Yeah, it's green.]

QUOTATION MARK Zure COMMAattack! Dark World Slash! QUOTATION MARK The monster jumped into the air and landed on Owen's face down monster, cutting it in half with his sword.

 

"Ha!" said Owen. "When White CAPITAL Stone of Legend is sent to the Graveyard, the Blue-Eyes White Dragon comes to my hand!" Uh, erm? This all feels too short and rush-y.

 

You're welcome. "Fine, I end my turn!" said the robber.

 

You're welcome."Okay, draw!" said Owen. QUOTATION MARK I play Polymerization! Fuse my three dragons to form the Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon!" Three white dragons emerged from his hand, and entered a dark portal. Ah. Well. THAT was oddly convenient. "Come forth!" said Owen. Just then a giant three headed dragon emerged from the portal. Just...a three-headed dragon. HERE IT BE! [spoiler=KING GHIDORAH!!]

"Attack Zure!" said Owen. "Neon Blast!" And...we end on a cliffhanger. Why can't we just see him lose? After all, this chapter needz moar length. Spelled wrong on porpoise. That was, too.

Overall it's a weird story idea, and I like weird, but it's so weird that it encounters problems, mostly with description and sense. My suspension of belief can only go so far, you know. Especially when THE MAIN CHARACTER IS NOT IN THE FIRST CHAPTER. Unless Owen was the main character all along. If so, why does he duel by Steve, and not Steve by him? I feel confused...and not in a good way. Overall, make it a little less strange, spell-check and describe more. After all, a story based in North Carolina should have had some realism, or at least an explanation for all of its weirdness. I WISH YOU LUCK!!