Yu-Gi-Oh! New Beginning

[Bull3tM0nk3y]

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Yu-Gi-Oh!: New Beginning

 

Prologue

 

It has been 2 years since Yami and Yugi have split up. Yugi and Mai have been boyfriend and girlfriend for 2 months. And Seto Kaiba has a girlfriend, her name is Zelda, likes Blue Eyes White Dragon like him, and has blue hair green eyes, and has a green-ish brown skirt, with a same color shirt, and only has at least 13 YGO cards.

 

For years, the Shadow Realm has been closed, and the King and Queen had a 17 year old girl with dark purple hair with and a bit lighter colored shirt and pants and her eyes are black with red for pupils (just like the dark signers in 5D’s) when her power is overwhelming, or she is very angry, but normally has a hazel eyes.

 

King: Riki? Can you came here for a moment?

 

Riki: Sure dad!

 

The place was dark and gloomy like normal.

 

The king’s throne was made of the bones of the people or other bones and when he was angry it would drip blood.

 

King: Can you find you mother for me? She is looking for others to do my bidding for me.

 

Riki: Sure.

 

She had looked for 30 minutes for her.

 

Riki: MMMOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

 

It echoed 5 times.

 

She saw something flicker of light, witch was odd for her, because she had never seen something do that.

 

Riki: What the hack is this?

 

It was a pink stone with a thin hole for a string to go though.

 

Riki: Hmmm…

 

She got an out a black string. She put it thought then tied it around her neck.

 

Her eyes started turning like when she gets powerful. She screamed and her fingertips had dark purple fire coming out of them.

 

She walked back to her dad.

 

Riki: Oh, father…

 

King: Yes, what is it?

 

He turned to her.

 

Riki: THIS!

 

But she was too slow. The king saw the blast and hit it against one of his own.

 

King: Wha--Wha—Why are you doing this?

 

As soon as he said that he lost his power by talking to her. He was killed by his own child.

 

Riki: And now to kill mother…

 

She found her about 2 or 3 three blocks to the west.

 

Behind the back, she hit her. She died in less then 2 mintues.

 

Riki climbed to her dad’s throne. And she hit a wall that made a vortex to the world, it was the brightest ting in the Shadow Realm for years. She went though it, she fell and her power was lost, and she was tired. Someone dropped his or her books, and that someone was Yugi.

 

Yugi: Oh, my! Let me help you!

 

He carried her back to his gradfather’s game shop who had died about 2 months ago when Yugi and Tea went out on their date.

 

Riki: Thank you.

 

Yugi saw her stone. He just looked away and went to go get Tea.

 

~END of Prologue~

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Please tell me what you think!

[Kendo Fish]

Now for the most punishing ordeal for writers of this forum...the WEATHER REPORT.

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Yu-Gi-Oh!: New Beginning

 

Prologue

 

It has been 2 years since ATEM and Yugi have split up. Yugi and Mai have been boyfriend and girlfriend for 2 months.HubbaWHAAA!?!? I had no idea they had any sort of love-like attraction at all! I would've expected JOEY and Mai to pair up rather than this! But' date=' whatever, that's not an error. However, using 2 instead of two is. Proceed.[/color'] And I don't think the word "and" is necessary here. Seto Kaiba has a girlfriend, her name is Zelda, likes Blue Eyes White Dragon like him, and has blue hair green eyes, and has a green-ish brown skirt, with a same color shirt, and only has at least 13 YGO cards.RUN-ON SENTENCE. Lemme split it up and correct the things you should probably change. Analyze!

 

"Seto Kaiba has a girlfriend, whose name is Zelda. They both like Blue Eyes White Dragon, making her practically a perfect match for him. Zelda has blue hair, green eyes, and never changes her wardrobe. She's always wearing a greenish-brown skirt and shirt. Zelda only has at least thirteen Duel Monsters cards, which is pretty stupid since that's less than two booster packs."

 

Hopefully there's a noticeable difference. On a mostly-unrelated side-note, I can't help but imagine her saying, "Screw the rules, I have blue hair!"

 

For years, the Shadow Realm has been closed, and the King and Queen SINCE WHEN WERE THERE A KING AND A QUEEN OF THE SHADOW REALM AND WHAT DO THEY LOOK LIKE!? (why they're capitalized is beyond me) had a 17 SPELL OUT NUMBERS. year old girl with dark purple hair with and a bit lighter colored shirt and pants and her eyes are black with red for pupils (just like the dark signers in 5D’s) when her power is overwhelming, or she is very angry, but normally has a hazel eyes.

YOU REALLY EXPECT US ALL TO HAVE THOROUGH KNOWLEDGE OF YU-GI-OH 5D'S. What if we're not to that part in the anime? We just suck? Let me do a complete overhaul...

 

For years, the Shadow Realm has been closed, and the king and queen ruling it had a seventeen-year-old girl, whose name was UNSPECIFIED. She has dark purple hair and normally wears the never-changing wardrobe of a lighter-purple shirt and pants. Her eyes were a glistening hazel.

 

AND YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T TELL US HOW SHE IS GOING TO LOOK. Why describe her future eyes before they first appear?

 

King: Riki? Can you came here for a moment?

WOAH! You just catapulted us into Crappy Script Format™! Why must you torture me so even if this story was never targeted at me in the first place!? Where are they? What's this king look like?

Riki: Sure dad!

WOAH!! She's not using her grammar!

The place was dark and gloomy like normal.

There are also a bunch of cuddly kittens laying around. The walls are made of cotton candy and lollipops are sticking out. Wow, things have really changed since ATEM left.

The king’s throne was made of the bones of the people or other bones What about just "made out of bones" if it's either people or other bones? Those combine to make plain ol' bones! COMMA and when he was angry it would drip blood.WHY.

 

King: Can you find you mother for me? She is looking for others to do my bidding for me.

I thought the Shadow Realm was where people who fail at card games were sent to be tortured and die. But if it's an organized kingdom where people LIVE and DO BIDDING, however weird and not-very-sensical it may be, sure, it's your story.

Riki: Sure.

By the way, Riki is ALMOST name of the protagonist of "Rikki-Tikki Tavi". I'm pretty sure it would be an Indian MALE name. Nowhere near Shadowrealmian female name.

She had looked for 30 minutes for her.

WOOAAHH!!! Let me make up what happened between this and the previous sentence.

 

"Riki walked around in circles, stepping on a few kittens by accident. "Mom! Mo-om!" she hollered. Of course she wasn't there. it was only the king's throne room, which was very small. After thirty tiresome minutes, she finally discovered her mom was OBVIOUSLY not there."

 

Riki: MMMOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!

King: Aah! My ears! They bleed! You do realize you're in the throne room and your mother is NOT IN HERE!?

It echoed FIVE times.

Useless new paragraph! Brave new world!

She saw something flicker of light, witch was odd for her, because she had never seen something do that.

*laughs* Something flickered...OF LIGHT. It didn't JUST FLICKER. it flickered with light. What else could it possibly flicker with? Flicker...with FRIENDSHIP!! It's also odd TO her, not FOR her. YOU USED THE WRONG WHICH. Witch = two characters in Wizard of Oz. Maybe three. BELIEVE IT!!

Riki: What the hack is this?

It's heck, not hack. What is this, newfangled techno-slang?

It was a pink stone with a thin hole for a string to go though.

It was also on top of a kitty's head, which meowed. You didn't tell us if it was on the ground, on the wall, on her FACE, in the air. Just that it was something that flickered WITH light.

Riki: Hmmm…

 

She got an out a black string.How do you get an out something? Where'd it come from? Her [CENSOR]? What's it supposed to be from if not that? You didn't specify. Why's she randomly carrying string, anyways? She put it thoughtYou mean THREADED it THROUGH THE HOLE COMMA then tied it around her neck.

 

Her eyes started turning like when she gets powerful.If they TURNED, they SPUN AROUND IN HER HEAD. She screamed and her fingertips had dark purple fire coming out of them.I think I can retell this paragraph so that it's longer and more descriptive...

 

"As Riki tied the string around her neck, she felt a sudden surge of power. Her eyes slowly changed from a soft hazel to a piercing black with red pupils. Kitties glared at her as she screamed in terror. Riki was about to grip her aching head, but before she tried dark-purple fire ripped through her fingertips, causing excruciating pain. Riki collapsed onto her shins, panting. Why had she even put that necklace on, and would she be able to take it off without causing herself any more pain?"

 

Now THAT'S how you stretch out a paragraph.

 

She walked back to her dad.

Which only took a second, because she was still in his throne room. Oh, and her inconsiderate father didn't even hear her scream.

Riki: Oh, father…

It sounds like she's saying, "Oh, father...I can't get married to Percy..."

 

"Well, why not?"

 

"He went to prison!" DUN DUN DUNNNN!

 

Inject some personality! Make her shed tears! Make the father gasp! Do something exciting!

King: Yes, what is it?

 

He turned to her.

 

Riki: THIS!

She sounds like wood.

But she was too slow. The king saw the blast What blast? I thought only a bit of fire was coming out of her fingertips. When did this blast of flame happen? and hit it against one of his own.A blast of vomit? What a ridiculous counterattack. Or so I presume, because WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE BLAST IS.

 

King: BLARG! *vomits and counters the flames*Wha--Wha—Two different dashes! Brave new world!Why are you doing this?

 

As soon as he said that he lost his power by talking to her. He was killed by his own child.What? This makes no sense! You say it as if in the real world it's a normal thing that needs NO DESCRIBING.

 

Riki: And now to kill mother…

You don't even say "Suddenly the rock had control of her, she was posessed"? You just make her act like a total sadist, who says "OH NO! I KILLED FATHER! I'LL HAVE TO KILL MY MOTHER SO THAT SHE WON'T FIND OUT!" Except that actually makes MORE sense than this. Now that's a problem.

She found her about two or You wrote 3 three. Odd and nonsensical. three blocks to the west.

It was two? Or was it three? Oh, I'm just a narrator. You don't expect ME to know the WHOLE story, do you? Of course not. [/sarcasm] And since when were there BLOCKS? Is it a city? Is it an alternate ancient Egypt? WHAT DOES THE WORLD LOOK LIKE!?!? Okay, the royal palace is constructed entirely of candy and cuddly young animals. The outskirts of the kingdom are constructed of giant children's wooden block towers and children's wooden block sidewalks. It's just weird.

Behind the back, You can't go much farther behind than THE BACK. What about just BEHIND HER? she hit her.Why don't you ever state "the queen" instead of just "her"? It's not very dramatic to me. She died in less then 2 mintues.It's minutes. USE WORD OR PAGES! USE TWO INSTEAD OF 2! What did she do before she died? I guess that she did an Irish jig. She also transformed into a leprechaun. Actually, she was ALREADY a leprechaun. Weirdo with a beardo.

 

Riki climbed to her dad’s throne.Since when was there climbing involved? And No "and" is necessary. she hit a wall that made a vortex to the world wut, not much description. You think we see people producing vortexes on a daily basis? Not this century.,Shouldn't thins be a different sentence? it was the brightest ting IT'S THING in the Shadow Realm for years.We don't care, apparently, how big it is or if it made any sound. Just that it's really really bright. not wherther it ripped open the whole palace or not. She went though it whilst dancing like a ballerina. She didn't just walk. This upcoming comma should be a PERIOD, she fell nowhere in particular, not even into the void! and her power was lost Which powers have you been talking about in this story? Their powers to barf, their powers to dance? OR THEIR ENERGY?, and she was tired. Someone dropped his or her If you immediately afterward state it's Yugi, WHY NOT JUST HIS? books, and that someone was Yugi.He was in the void, just floating.

 

"Oops! Dropped my books!" said the not-described Yugi.

 

Yugi: Oh, my!In my absence from the series I have transformed into a British damsel! Either that, or Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz! Oh, my! Let me help you!

 

He carried her back to his gradfather’s Who is this gradfather of which you speak? The father of graduates!game shopCOMMA who had died about 2 months ago when Yugi and Tea went out on their date.Wait. THE SHOP DIED. NOT THIS GRADFATHER OF WHICH YOU SPEAK, OR EVEN GRANDFATHER. You said it was the shop itself that had died, and so it shall be. They are now in a deceased shop. Second, WHEN DID YUGI AND TEA GO ON THEIR DATE AND WHY IS YUGI WITH MAI NOW? MORE BACKSTORY, PLEASE! Third, how does one get straight from a random void to a CARD shop?

 

Riki: Thank you.

He's still carrying her. Isn't Yugi surprised at all that they were just in a random void and instantly arrived at the shop?

Yugi saw her stone. He just looked away and went to go get Tea.

HE'S STILL HOLDING HER.

~END of Prologue~

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Please tell me what you think!

I honestly think it needs work. More description, backstory, spell-checking and sense would certainly help.

[Cuckoos]

script form=fail

 

I think this needs work with grammar, and needs moar explanationz.