Yu-Gi-Oh! The Colossus Tournament (Chapters 3 is up!)

[Cuckoos]

To all of you "funny" harsh critics, read this thread before making fun of this fan-fic.

 

Plot:

It's time for the annual Collosus tournament! This is one of the biggest duel monster tournaments in the world. People from all over America come to join in this spectacular event. This story focuses on Jordan, a 16 year old boy who thinks he is the best of the best. But will the challenges ahead of him prove him wrong? Read on to find out!

 

Hope you guys like this!:

[spoiler=Characters]

Name: Jordan Sousse

Age: 16

Deck: Time-Bot, Six Samurai

 

Name: Sandro Vipa

Age: 14

Deck: Medusa, Venom

 

Name: Anna Wells

Age: 15

Deck: Omotics Dragons, Frogs

 

Name: Tyrell Haru-Kun

Age: 16

Deck: Re-Compost, Naturia

 

Name: Vance Wheeler

Age: 15

Deck: Card Killers/Card Healers, Worm

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 1]

"No duelists..." Jordan thought. "Can't see anybody with duel disks." On a Saturday afternoon, you would see dozens of people gathered in the center of card shop Samnite Court. Samnite Court was was home to a small card shop, where dozens of duelists would go every day to buy packs or duel other people. Jordan Sousse is 16, has a brown buzz cut, average height, and an expert duelist. His uncle and aunt ran the card shop, so he has the privilege of getting 1 free pack every visit. "Maybe Sandro is home..." Although they have a noticeable age difference, with Sandro being 14, he is one of Jordan's closest friends. "I'm going to go home first." He thought. After buying some booster packs, he returned home.

 

"Dad, I'm home!" He yelled out as he came in the front foyer.

"You came home early. What happened?"

"I don't know." He sighed. "No one was in there."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you."

"What?"

"This new card shop opened up in the Darius plaza. You should go check it out."

"I dunno, maybe I will."

"What about Sandro?"

"Yeah, I was gonna go by there."

"Check the new card shop first. They're having a big opening ceremony."

"...Okay." Jordan thought for a second. If this place was so great, it might run Samnite court out of business. He decided to check it out.

 

Jordan walked until he eventually found the card shop. The shop was way bigger than Samnite Court. It had 5 dueling arenas, and duelists were swarming the place. "Jordan!" Yelled out a voice. It was, for sure, Sandro.

"Dude! Is this place awesome, or what!" He sounded very hyper.

"I don't know, I just walked in."

"Come with me!" He said. "Zane Truesdale is dueling against a G.B. Deck!"

"Nah, I'm just going to find a duel."

"Well okay. See ya!"

As Sandro walked away, he thought about it... "What if Zane is looking for people to duel? I'd probably have no chance..."

 

"I'll take that." Came a voice behind Jordan. Someone was stealing his Deck! "Stop!" Yelled Jordan. He chased after the shady man, until he finally cornered him. "Give back my Six Samurai Deck!" Demanded Jordan. "Emergency Teleport." The man whispered to himself. After he spoke those words, a big ring of light surrounded him, and in a puff of smoke, he disappeared. "Where are you! Answer me!" There was no luck. His best deck had just been stolen. "Jordan, are you okay?" It was Sandro. He had been watching the whole time.

"Yeah, I'm good... Who was he? And how did he disappear like that?"

"Now everybody has them..."

"Has what?"

"Duel tablets. You can store a card in a duel tablet, and use that card's effect in real life. That guy had an Emergency Teleport. The downside is, once you use them, the tablet and the card it possesses disappears."

"How do you get them?"

"Here in the plaza. I bought a Skill Drain."

"Are they expensive?"

"They're 1 dollar. Pretty easy to get."

"Maybe I'll get one..."

"Be careful, though, the guy who runs the shop looks shady."

 

What was Jordan going to do... His only deck was stolen from him, and now he would have to make another Deck... After some walking around, he found the person that sold duel tablets.

"Hello, how may I help you?" Asked the man running the shop. Sandro was right; this guy did look shady. He wore a black hoodie, with the hood covering his eyes. "Yes, I'd like one duel tablet please." The man handed over the duel tablet, and Jordan handed over the money and walked away. "So I could put any card in here..." Jordan thought. "Let's put in... Lightning vortex." A voice came from the duel tablet: "Duel tablets cannot be used for the assassination of a human being or animal. Consequences will be dire for rule-breakers." He wondered what Lightning vortex did... He stepped outside and pressed a button on the duel tablet. "Lightning Vortex" He whispered. Shortly after that, clouds started gathering in the sky. He had started a thunderstorm! His duel tablet then disappeared. Jordan saw Sandro walking up to him. "Jordan, they're having a tournament soon. Are you going to sign up?" He asked. "My first tournament... okay, I'll try it."

 

He was hanging out at the card shop until night, where he walked home to start fixing his deck. His family comes from a long line of Duel Monster champions. One room in the house is completely devoted to the game: The card library. This circular library was huge; so huge that you need a ladder to reach the top. The library had every card, tip, strategy, and tip book ever made. Jordan climbed up on his ladder to the top, scrolling through the different archetypes. Ojama, Frog, Gladiator Beasts, Flamvell, Naturia... Then one caught his eye: Time-Bots. He took the bin full of the Time-Bots into his his room. "Time-Bots. They look pretty cool." He said. "These effects look awesome!" So, he stayed up all night making a Deck. It was 12:00 in the morning. His Deck was finally ready.

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 2]

"Alright." Said Jordan. "Time to test out the new deck." After staying up all night making a new deck, Jordan was determined to try it out and win at least 1 match.

"Dad, I'm going out!" Yelled Jordan, as he walked downstairs.

"Where are you going?" His dad asked.

"The new card shop down by the plaza."

"Oh yeah, Sandro called, he wanted you to meet him there."

"Okay, thanks!

As Jordan shuffled out the door, he considered getting another duel tablet from the man at the plaza. "The man that stole my cards... could he have some kind of link to the duel tablet seller? They both had the same hoodie, and the card jacker had a duel tablet..." Jordan thought to himself.

 

"Hey kid!" A kid came up to him, and he looked like he was the same age as Jordan.

"Duel me!"

"But I do--"

"My name is Tyrell!"

"Yeah, okay but--"

"Stop interrupting me!"

"What?!? I'm not inter--"

"Do you want to duel or not?"

"Calm down! I'll duel you, just stop being so hyper! My name is Jordan." Jordan was really confused.

"Okay, sorry... I'm Tyrell. I just want to practice for the Colossus Tournament."

"What's that?" Could this be the tournament Sandro was talking about?

 

"I'll go first!" Tyrell yelled, without warning. "I'll play my Re-Compost Melon in attack position (ATK 1850). I'll set two cards face-down, and I'll end my turn."

 

"Draw!" Said Jordan. "I'll set one monster, and two cards face-down. Go."

 

"I'll Tribute my Melon to play my Re-Compost Pineapple(ATK 2300)! Now he attacks your face-down!" Tyrell said.

 

"It's Time Magician (DEF 2000) but he has a flip effect." Said Jordan. "I move the turn count forward by 2, and since 5 turns have passed, I can Special Summon a Level 5 or lower Time-Bot monster from my hand, and it'll be Time-Bot Smoke in attack position (ATK 2300).

 

"Fine" Said Tyrell. "I'll end."

 

"I draw." Jordan said. "I'll play Time-Bot Baleen in attack mode (ATK 1800). Now my Time-Bot Smoke will attack your Pineapple, destroying them both." Jordan sounded confident. "And Baleen will attack directly (8000/6200). Go."

 

Jordan knew he was going to win. The difference in Life Points was really saying something.

 

"I draw" Tyrell said. "I'll activate Foolish Burial, and send Re-Compost Melon to my Graveyard. Now, I'll Special Summon Recycle Rex by sending my Re-Compost Melon, Pineapple, and Blueberry from my deck to the Graveyard (ATK 3200). Now he attacks your Time-Bot Smoke!

 

"I'll activate dimensional prison, which removes him from play." Said Jordan.

 

"Damn. I'll end my turn." Tyrell sighed.

 

"I draw!" Jordan said. "I'll Tribute Smoke and Baleen to play Time-Bot Cockpit (ATK 2700). My Time-Bot Cockpit will attack directly (8000/3500). I end."

 

"I'll draw. I activate the field card Gaia Power, and play my Re-Compost Apple (ATK 1900). Now my Apple will attack Time-Bot Cockpit--"

 

"Ha! You're joking! Your ATK isn't high enough to kill it."

 

"Not now, but since I have three Re-Compost Melons in my Graveyard, I can have it gain 900 ATK (ATK 2800)! Destroy his monster (7900/3500)!"

 

"This is a really good deck. But is it good enough to enter the tournament?" Said Jordan

 

"We'll see." Tyrell said.

 

"I draw, I'll play Time-Bot Wisdoom (ATK 1400), and end my turn." Jordan sighed.

 

"I guess I go then." Tyrell smiled. "I got nothing to play, so my Apple will destroy Wisdoom!

 

"I'll chain your attack with my face-down Clock Rush, moving the turn count forward by 6." Interrupted Jordan. "And because of Wisdoom, I can Special Summon one monster from my hand with 0 DEF from my hand, which will be Time-Bot Reaper (ATK 1800) ."

 

"It doesn't matter, Wisdoom is still destroyed (6500/3500)! I'll end my turn." Tyrell chuckled.

 

"Draw! Ha ha, this is my win!" Said Jordan, very confident. Now, I'll play my Time-Bot Tuned, a Tuner monster (LV:3, ATK 1400). And since my Reaper is a Level 4 monster, I can Synchro Summon my Level 7 Time-Bot Grandfather (ATK 2900)!"

 

"That has enough to beat my Apple!" Gasped Tyrell.

 

"Yes, that, and more." Said Jordan. "I activate Double Attack, and by Discarding my Time-Bot Cockpit, who is a Level 8 monster, My Time-Bot Grandfather can attack twice this turn! First, I'll destroy your Apple, and because it's my Battle Phase, your Melons can't give your Apple an attack boost (ATK 1900), so it's destroyed (6500/2500). And now, my Time-Bot will use his second attack to attack directly (6500/0).

 

"Aw man..." Tyrell looked down at the floor.

"This deck is no good for the tournament..." He sighed.

"Don't say that, Tyrell. This deck is plenty good, just add more support for your Type." Jordan always liked giving advice, it made him feel good. "Alright, see you at the tournament Tyrell!" Then, as Jordan walked home, he wondered if he would see his friend Mike Haru-Kun at the tournament... If this is the biggest tournament, then Mike has to be there.

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 3]

Mike was Jordan's best friend until Mike moved to Equeste city. They'd e-mail each other every night, and Mike would always talk about him being the best junior duelist in his area. But then, Mike stopped e-mailing back, and they never heard from each other again. Before they stopped talking, Mike said something about the Colossus Tournament that Tyrell had mentioned. Could Mike be at this tournament? "Michael..." Jordan thought. "What happened..." Jordan was up in his room, on his laptop, until he dozed off... All of the thoughts in his head started swirling around in his head... Until he finally fell asleep, and started having flashbacks of the day Mike left, and their last duel...

 

"Jordan!" Mike yelled from far away, as he was running to Jordan.

"Hey man, you didn't show up at the card shop. What happened?"

"I had to pack..." He sighed. "I'm moving tomorrow."

"What?"

"I forgot to tell you..."

"Why didn't you tell me before?"

"It just completely slipped my mind, what with all of the dueling and stuff."

"What about the tournament?"

"Maybe next year..."

"Mike... There is no next year. They're holding the tournament at a different place next year."

"One last duel?" Said Mike. Jordan thought for a second. Why would his friend move without telling anybody...

"Sure." Said Jordan. "Last time."

 

"I'll go first!" Michael yelled. "I'll activate my field spell card, Stage of the Mimes." As soon as he activated the card, the landscape morphed into a big Broadway-like stage, with red curtains, and a high platform that stood in front of it. "And when it is activated, I can place 3 Mime Counters on it." Mike said.

 

"I see you made a new deck. So did I!" Said Jordan.

 

"Well, everything has to change one day." Michael replied. Jordan knew Mike said that for a reason. He said that because he wanted to explain the meaning of this duel. "I'll set one monster, and two others, and I end."

 

"Draw!" Said Jordan. "I'll play my Six Samurai- Irou (ATK 1700), and because I control a Six Samurai, I can Special Summon Grandmaster of the Six Samurai (ATK 2100). And since I have two Six Samurai, I can Summon Great Shogun Shien (ATK 2500)!" Jordan took a quick breath. "Now my Irou attacks your face-down!"

 

"It's Mime Monkey--"

 

"It doesn't matter, because Irou destroys it immediately!" Interrupted Jordan. "Now Shogun and Grandmaster attack directly!"

 

"When Shogun Shien attacks, I'll activate Sakuretsu Armor (4200/8000)." Mike responded.

 

"Fine, I'll end." Said Jordan

 

"Draw!" Mike blurted out. "I'll play Mime Reaper (ATK 1200) and activate her effect. I'll remove 2 Mime Counters from Stage of the Mimes to destroy your Irou and Grandmaster."

 

"What?? That is totally broken!" Jordan said, very surprised.

 

"Live with it. Now, I'll activate Monster Reborn to Special Summon Mime Monkey from my Graveyard in defense position (DEF 2000). Now Mime Reaper attacks directly (4200/6800)!" Said Michael. "I'll end."

 

"I draw." Jordan said. "I set one monster face-down, and two other cards face-down. I end"

 

"Looks like I got you stumped." Boasted Michael. "Draw. I'll tribute my Mime Reaper for my 5-star Mime Mistress (ATK 2300)." Jordan was left breathless, how Michael was summoning so much monsters. "And because of her effect, I can Special Summon 1 Level 4 or lower Mime from my hand, which will be Mime Common (ATK 1200), and place 2 Mime counters on him. And by removing 3 Mime Counters from the field, I can Summon 1 more Mime Common from my deck (ATK 1200)." Michael had a gallant smile on his face. "Now, all of my monsters attack directly! (4200/900) I'll end."

 

"I...Draw..." Jordan said, slowly. "I end..."

 

"That's it? You got nothing to play? This will end fast. Draw!" Yelled Mike. "Good duel, Jordan. Everyone, attack! (4200/0)"

 

"That's it?" Asked Jordan. "You're leaving now?"

"Yeah..." Mike replied. "See ya." Mike put his hand out to Jordan. They gave each other a hand shake. as Mike walked away, Jordan started to wake up from his flashback. "Jordan! Jordan, wake up!" Sandro was shaking Jordan's shoulders, in an attempt to wake him up. "Wha..." Jordan lazily uttered.

"Why are you in my room...?"

"You need to sign up for the Colossus Tournament!" It was that name again. "The sign up table closes in 10 minutes. You gotta hurry!"

"Wait outside... I need to get dressed."

"Oh. Okay! Just don't be late."

"M'kay..." Jordan lazily changed out of his pajamas and into his casual blue jeans and red vest. He ran to Darius Plaza, to the sign up table. And then he noticed something. The man at the table... It was the man that sold the Tablets. "These guys must run the place." Jordan thought to himself. "How may I help you?" The man at the table asked Jordan. "...Oh! Yes, um... I'd like to sign up for the tournament, please." Jordan reacted.

"Name please?"

"Jordan Sousse." The man wrote it down on a sheet of paper. "Today you will be dueling Anna Wells at 2:00 PM."

"2:00... It's 1:30, so I still have some time. Anna Wells... sounds familiar. Maybe I'll recognize her once I see her."

 

 

[Cuckoos]

bump

[Ryno Dorcus]

Nice Chapter, Good start. Do you need any character ideas.

[Kaisu]

Time-Bots... where have I heard it before...

I've seen a fanfic with the name 'time-bots'.

And the main char. had a six samurai deck he always used...-.-

And you ripped off YGOGX,

this time with Zane Truesdale.

Who is apparently Zane and Syrus's son....-.-

And also, Jordan's aunt and uncle's card shop is a cardboard box, and the owners are a bunch of skull servants -.-

WAIT A SECOND, YOU EARNED THREE -.-S! YOU LOSE!

[Cuckoos]

Chapter 2 up.

[Snitch]

I read the first chapter, and it wasn't that bad. You could try to do more originality, and improve on your punctuation and grammar, but it was ok, that's for sure.

[Cuckoos]

Thank you! Also accepting chars.

[Bassa]

Nice story mate

[EnkoMaun]

I see some flaws, but they're not revolting, and that will make me follow this up :D

[Cuckoos]

Chapter 3 added. Accepting characters to appear in the Colossus Tournament.

[legendhiro]

you should include brief descriptions of the monsters that are played. other than that, it's not bad.

[Cuckoos]

you should include brief descriptions of the monsters that are played. other than that' date=' it's not bad.

[/quote']

If you would like to know what the monsters look like, click on the link in the first part of the thread. It will show pictures of all the cards used in my fan-fic. Thank you, though.

[legendhiro]

ah, i see. very nice.

[Weather Report - Stand]

To all of you "funny" harsh critics' date=' read this thread before making fun of this fan-fic.

Okay, you've just challenged me. But by looking at that thread, I wasn't really told anything besides that you make cool-looking cards and you have a manga of some sort(OR SO YOU SAY!! In order to make a good, real, published manga, read THIS STORY. Keep in mind though that it is a manga itself, so your results may vary). So... what was the point?

 

Plot:

It's time for the annual Collosus tournament! This is one of the biggest duel monster tournaments in the world. People from all over America come to join in this spectacular event. This story focuses on Jordan, a 16 year old boy who thinks he is the best of the best. But will the challenges ahead of him prove him wrong? Read on to find out!

Just to give a helpful tip, 'collosus' is spelled 'colossus'. But this plot is vague at best and is good at making the reader think 'what's DAT supposed to mean? I'll read sum!'.

 

Hope you guys like this!:

[spoiler=Chapter 1]

"No duelists..." Jordan thought. "Can't see anybody with duel disks." On a Saturday afternoon, you would see dozens of people gathered in the center of card shop Samnite Court. Samnite Court was was home to a small card shop, where dozens of duelists would go every day to buy packs or duel other people. Jordan Sousse is 16, has a brown buzz cut, average height, and an expert duelist. His uncle and aunt ran the card shop, so he has the privilege of getting 1 free pack every visit. "Maybe Sandro is home..." Although they have a noticeable age difference, with Sandro being 14, he is one of Jordan's closest friends. "I'm going to go home first." He thought. After buying some booster packs, he returned home.

So... errors. You said that the corner of Samnite Court was a card shop. Then you said that it was HOME to a card shop. You're missing a word or two. FIx that typo. Also you should try spelling out numbers, and other than this, your fic is pretty good. Why were you so afraid of me at the beginning of this post? Did YOU think your fic was lame? Not so far.

 

"Dad, I'm home!" He yelled out as he came in the front foyer.

"You came home early. What happened?"

"I don't know." He sighed. "No one was in there."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you."

"What?"

"This new card shop opened up in the Darius plaza. You should go check it out."

"I dunno, maybe I will."

"What about Sandro?"

"Yeah, I was gonna go by there."

"Check the new card shop first. They're having a big opening ceremony."

"...Okay." Jordan thought for a second. If this place was so great, it might run Samnite court out of business. He decided to check it out.

So what did the place look on the inside? What did his dad look like? Where IS Darius Plaza(told later, obviously)? Why is there no action to break up this boring-ish conversation?

 

Jordan walked until he eventually found the card shop. The shop was way bigger than Samnite Court. It had 5 dueling arenas, and duelists were swarming the place. "Jordan!" Yelled out a voice. It was, for sure, Sandro.

"Dude! Is this place awesome, or what!" He sounded very hyper.

"I don't know, I just walked in."

"Come with me!" He said. "Zane Truesdale is dueling against a G.B. Deck!"

"Nah, I'm just going to find a duel."

"Well okay. See ya!"

As Sandro walked away, he thought about it... "What if Zane is looking for people to duel? I'd probably have no chance..."

Once again, spell numbers, it looks cooler. De-capitalize 'Yelled', and PROPERLY introduce Sandro. Just because he was in the character sheet doesn't mean I bother to read character sheets in fan fics. It's like some sort of excuse for anybody who does this kinda thing, and you're not the only one... *POINTS TO HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE*

 

"I'll take that." Came a voice behind Jordan. Someone was stealing his Deck! "Stop!" Yelled Jordan. He chased after the shady man, until he finally cornered him. "Give back my Six Samurai Deck!" Demanded Jordan. "Emergency Teleport." The man whispered to himself. After he spoke those words, a big ring of light surrounded him, and in a puff of smoke, he disappeared. "Where are you! Answer me!" There was no luck. His best deck had just been stolen. "Jordan, are you okay?" It was Sandro. He had been watching the whole time.

"Yeah, I'm good... Who was he? And how did he disappear like that?"

"Now everybody has them..."

"Has what?"

"Duel tablets. You can store a card in a duel tablet, and use that card's effect in real life. That guy had an Emergency Teleport. The downside is, once you use them, the tablet and the card it possesses disappears."

"How do you get them?"

"Here in the plaza. I bought a Skill Drain."

"Are they expensive?"

"They're 1 dollar. Pretty easy to get."

"Maybe I'll get one..."

"Be careful, though, the guy who runs the shop looks shady."

Oh no! His deck was stolen by a guy who's quote was slightly messed up by punctuation errors! Use a comma instead since it works better here. And make 'C'ame smaller... I won't mention that mistake anymore.

 

'Crap! He stole my 50$ deck! Let's get my aunt and uncle to buy me a new one!' Yeah, I'd expect a guy to be mad about that, but it IS logical, since his family has a shop. Also make a SPACE(button name hint) whenever a new guy speaks. But did anybody else manage to see this guy disappear? He DID make a bright light and all.

 

Oh, and also... WHO WOULD MAKE A DUEL TABLET?! WHO COULD MAKE ONE?! That's VERY impossible. Let alone, making somebody teleport through space, what if it KILLS somebody by summoning a monster or using Dark Hole? And how are they so easy to get? Shouldn't they have strict restrictions on stuff? Because if some sick guy used Brain Control on the president, THAT wouldn't look good.

 

What was Jordan going to do... His only deck was stolen from him, and now he would have to make another Deck... After some walking around, he found the person that sold duel tablets. Why did you capitalize 'Deck'?

"Hello, how may I help you?" Asked the man running the shop. Sandro was right; this guy did look shady. He wore a black hoodie, with the hood covering his eyes. "Yes, I'd like one duel tablet please." The man handed over the duel tablet, and Jordan handed over the money and walked away. "So I could put any card in here..." Jordan thought. "Let's put in... Lightning vortex." A voice came from the duel tablet: "Duel tablets cannot be used for the assassination of a human being or animal. Consequences will be dire for rule-breakers." Hooray! Limits! Too bad for the one who got stuck between time and space with 'Emergency Teleport' that one time... His legs and torso were in two completely different places. That was a tragedy. He wasn't the thief, just so you know. He wondered what Lightning vortex did... He stepped outside and pressed a button on the duel tablet. "Lightning Vortex" He whispered. Shortly after that, clouds started gathering in the sky. He had started a thunderstorm! His duel tablet then disappeared. Jordan saw Sandro walking up to him. "Jordan, they're having a tournament soon. Are you going to sign up?" He asked. "My first tournament... okay, I'll try it."

You only missed a couple more capitals, like 'V' in 'vortex' once. BUT HOW IN THE NAME OF BILL T. BOBSON COULD THIS THING MAKE A THUNDERSTORM?! AND WHY DOESN'T HE START THINKING ABOUT A CARD HE COULD USE TO CATCH THAT CROOK? Did he just forget about the guy when he walked to the shop? We need a tutorial, but this wasn't the right time for it. And what about that Lightning Vortex? If he had only one deck, then what was the use for that one last card? Was it the last one left?

 

He was hanging out at the card shop until night, where he walked home to start fixing his deck. His family comes from a long line of Duel Monster champions. One room in the house is completely devoted to the game: The card library. This circular library was huge; so huge that you need a ladder to reach the top. The library had every card, tip, strategy, and tip book ever made. Jordan climbed up on his ladder to the top, scrolling through the different archetypes. Ojama, Frog, Gladiator Beasts, Flamvell, Naturia... Then one caught his eye: Time-Bots. He took the bin full of the Time-Bots into his his room. "Time-Bots. They look pretty cool." He said. "These effects look awesome!" So, he stayed up all night making a Deck. It was 12:00 in the morning. His Deck was finally ready.

Well, I'd believe some dudes were so overly-absorbed by the game that they'd have such a library, but couldn't they just use Yu-Gi-Oh! Wikia? And how could they be masters for generations if you had Zane Truesdale, who lived before Yugi died, who was in High School when the game came out, meaning it was only around for about two or three decades? They have such short lives. UNLESS... Zane was OLD when you mentioned him!! So that gave them maybe 50 years for this game, meaning... wow, I answered my own question. AMAZING. But you could've told us that.

 

And the last two sentences don't fit with the rest of the paragraph dud to the time-skippage.

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 2]

"Alright." Said Jordan. "Time to test out the new deck." After staying up all night making a new deck, Jordan was determined to try it out and win at least 1 match.

"Dad, I'm going out!" Yelled Jordan, as he walked downstairs.

"Where are you going?" His dad asked.

"The new card shop down by the plaza."

"Oh yeah, Sandro called, he wanted you to meet him there."

"Okay, thanks!

As Jordan shuffled out the door, he considered getting another duel tablet from the man at the plaza. "The man that stole my cards... could he have some kind of link to the duel tablet seller? They both had the same hoodie, and the card jacker had a duel tablet..." Jordan thought to himself.

So we see the same problems here, capitalization and describing guys, numbers, so we can already take care of this. BUT!! THOUGHTS are usually done...in ITALICS!! So next time you have a dude think, he should use... italics!

 

"Hey kid!" A kid came up to him, and he looked like he was the same age as Jordan.

"Duel me!"

"But I do--"

"My name is Tyrell!"

"Yeah, okay but--"

"Stop interrupting me!"

"What?!? I'm not inter--"

"Do you want to duel or not?"

"Calm down! I'll duel you, just stop being so hyper! My name is Jordan." Jordan was really confused.

"Okay, sorry... I'm Tyrell. I just want to practice for the Colossus Tournament."

"What's that?" Could this be the tournament Sandro was talking about?

Oh, HE'S not a kid, HE'S a TEENAGER!! Heh, he's still an adolescent. Most people get stupidly angry over that... but it's not a problem, by any means. Your REAL problem is that you never have anything like:

"Bleh!"

"Ba-BLOO?!" Billy gasped, falling over in suprise!!

"Bobaah!" Joe smirked, correcting his foe.

We just need s'more action in conversations, please. And Tyrell's a real annoying jerk-face-man. PLease tone him down or something before my blood rate goes up from just READING about him.

 

"I'll go first!" Tyrell yelled, without warning. "I'll play my Re-Compost Melon in attack position (ATK 1850). I'll set two cards face-down, and I'll end my turn."

"What's that?"

"I'll draw!!" Man, what a jerk-ass! And the main character doesn't even care, nor does he ask his question again? DUMBNESS!! Hopefully it'll get good again... but I like how these robotic-sounding Re-Compost guys are named after fruits. I didn't bother to see the card art earlier on your other thread, and you also didn't describe it in the story, so I'll just imagine it as a robot melon. Am I right?

 

"Draw!" Said Jordan. "I'll set one monster, and two cards face-down. Go."

Are they playing with, or without holograms? Shouldn't three floating cards appear?

 

"I'll Tribute my Melon to play my Re-Compost Pineapple(ATK 2300)! Now he attacks your face-down!" Tyrell said.

Shouldn't he have a cool attack if they're using holograms? Like 'Pineapple Spear!!'(With or without the name, it doesn't matter), where it blasts out some spikes of pineapple pain? And once again, describe your monsters. I won't say it again, so remember~

 

"It's Time Magician (DEF 2000) but he has a flip effect." Said Jordan. "I move the turn count forward by 2, and since 5 turns have passed, I can Special Summon a Level 5 or lower Time-Bot monster from my hand, and it'll be Time-Bot Smoke in attack position (ATK 2300).

Five turns, or five turn EXCHANGES? I just want to know exactly. But does his effect work on the opponent's turn too? Most guys wouldn't know that. Please go more in-depth with reading out effects for us. If you do, I'll send you a cookie picture.

 

"Fine" Said Tyrell. "I'll end."

 

"I draw." Jordan said. "I'll play Time-Bot Baleen in attack mode (ATK 1800). Now my Time-Bot Smoke will attack your Pineapple, destroying them both." Jordan sounded confident. "And Baleen will attack directly (8000/6200). Go."

I'd REALLY like to see the attacks here. *sniff*

 

Jordan knew he was going to win. The difference in Life Points was really saying something.

 

"I draw" Tyrell said. "I'll activate Foolish Burial, and send Re-Compost Melon to my Graveyard. Now, I'll Special Summon Recycle Rex by sending my Re-Compost Melon, Pineapple, and Blueberry from my deck to the Graveyard (ATK 3200). Now he attacks your Time-Bot Smoke!

OOH, you missed some punctuation there with 'I draw'. OUCH. And I also want to understand how powerful a blueberry could really become. And how a dinosaur fits in with a random--oh. STUPID AWESOME BATTERYMEN. Yeah, you mentioned that in your thread earlier.

 

"I'll activate dimensional prison, which removes him from play." Said Jordan.

Capitals!! Dang typos!

 

"Damn. I'll end my turn." Tyrell sighed.

 

"I draw!" Jordan said. "I'll Tribute Smoke and Baleen to play Time-Bot Cockpit (ATK 2700). My Time-Bot Cockpit will attack directly (8000/3500). I end."

Actually, if he'd attacked and THEN sacrificed them, he'd do more damage. 1800 + 2300 = 4100. 2700 = 2700

 

"I'll draw. I activate the field card Gaia Power, and play my Re-Compost Apple (ATK 1900). Now my Apple will attack Time-Bot Cockpit--"

 

"Ha! You're joking! Your ATK isn't high enough to kill it."

 

"Not now, but since I have three Re-Compost Melons in my Graveyard, I can have it gain 900 ATK (ATK 2800)! Destroy his monster (7900/3500)!"

Is that the MELON ability or the APPLE ability? I knew those apples are always up to no good.

 

"This is a really good deck. But is it good enough to enter the tournament?" Said Jordan

 

"We'll see." Tyrell said.

 

"I draw, I'll play Time-Bot Wisdoom (ATK 1400), and end my turn." Jordan sighed.

 

"I guess I go then." Tyrell smiled. "I got nothing to play, so my Apple will destroy Wisdoom!

 

"I'll chain your attack with my face-down Clock Rush, moving the turn count forward by 6." Interrupted Jordan. "And because of Wisdoom, I can Special Summon one monster from my hand with 0 DEF from my hand, which will be Time-Bot Reaper (ATK 1800) ."

 

"It doesn't matter, Wisdoom is still destroyed (6500/3500)! I'll end my turn." Tyrell chuckled.

 

"Draw! Ha ha, this is my win!" Said Jordan, very confident. Now, I'll play my Time-Bot Tuned, a Tuner monster (LV:3, ATK 1400). And since my Reaper is a Level 4 monster, I can Synchro Summon my Level 7 Time-Bot Grandfather (ATK 2900)!"

Hooray! Theme deck monster!

 

"That has enough to beat my Apple!" Gasped Tyrell.

Duh. Even I can beat an apple.

 

"Yes, that, and more." Said Jordan. "I activate Double Attack, and by Discarding my Time-Bot Cockpit, who is a Level 8 monster, My Time-Bot Grandfather can attack twice this turn! First, I'll destroy your Apple, and because it's my Battle Phase, your Melons can't give your Apple an attack boost (ATK 1900), so it's destroyed (6500/2500). And now, my Time-Bot will use his second attack to attack directly (6500/0).

Yay!

 

"Aw man..." Tyrell looked down at the floor.

"This deck is no good for the tournament..." He sighed.

"Don't say that, Tyrell. This deck is plenty good, just add more support for your Type." Jordan always liked giving advice, it made him feel good. "Alright, see you at the tournament Tyrell!" Then, as Jordan walked home, he wondered if he would see his friend Mike Haru-Kun at the tournament... If this is the biggest tournament, then Mike has to be there.

Tyrell, that ingrate! First sulking after losing a children's card game, then refusing to thank the guy for his generic advice? DISGRACEFUL. But who's Mike Haru-Kun supposed to be?

 

 

SEE?! WAS THAT REALLY SO BAD?! You really have to stop putting your own work down like that, I only really attack stories with huge plot holes. And your story was VERY fleshed out, though you need more description. Also fix those minor spelling errors laying about, and I want to know if they were playing with or without holograms. You never mentioned a duel disk during the entire game, which left me pretty confused. I like this thing, don't change anything else. OR ELSE.

[Cuckoos]

Thank you, Weather Report. And no, they do not use holograms, This is kind of supposed to be like real-life, so no, holograms won't be used. I'll think about it, though. (Mike Haru-Kun is introduced in Chap. 3.

[Weather Report - Stand]

The holograms threw me off, since you mentioned Duel Disks at the VERY beginning of the tale. But now I know, and the more you know, the less you don't know.

[Cuckoos]

chapter 4 coming soon