The dark lords return Book 1 Prologue And Chapter 1 Complete

[Bassa]

Hi there!! I'm bassa and i'm a fanatic about Yu-gi-oh! I hve decided to write a story about Borvon.

 

 

The Dark Lords are rising again and Gronus has decided to hold a Yu-Gi-Oh tournement to decide which of the best duelists should rise and defeat the evil that has spread the land. Borvan is one of the duelists invited to this such tournament...:evil:

 

Prologue:

 

The wind howled against the rooftops as Borova strolled down the allyway. He walked slowly staring...glaring, passes by looking at him in a way of hatred. He stopped. He stood silently in the middle of the road,thinking about the invitation. He had been invited to the biggest Yu-Gi-Oh tournament of the year...But he had stopped playing three years ago since the terrible war of the gods. he thought for ten minutes and then turned round, heading home...he had some packing to do...

 

Chapter 1: An old freind returns

 

The sun rose from behind the treetops as Borova stepped out into the crowded streets. Duelists from all over the world had come to play or witness this huge event. He pushed himself to the front of the crowd to see what the crowd where looking at. And there, stood in the middle of the road were Granold and Borovas best friend Dan. It looked as if they were having a duel...

 

Granold: And now Shadow Arch Fiend attack the horrid pest directly.

 

(The fiend let out a bright ball of flame and Dan life points went down to zero.)

 

"You are no match for me Dan. This tournaments mine and these people know it. Now hand over those nice cards of yours..."

 

"Stop." Yelled Borova over all the commotion, "You can't just take my friends cards like that. If you want them you'll have to duel me first."

Borova pulled his duel disk from his bag and and inserted his deck.

"Let the duel begin!"

 

Borova: "I draw. First I'll Summon Trap Beast X: Lord of spying (ATK 1500 DEF 500) I'll throw down a face down and its your move..."

 

Granold: "Weak start there...Mmm...I draw and summon Junk Warrior in attack mode (ATK 900 DEF 500) and i activate its effect on the turn that it is summoned its attack doubles (ATK 1800 DEF 500). Now i attack your puny little Trap Beast X..."

 

Borova: "Not so fast. I activate My Trap beast X's effect Once per turn by sending one Trap Beast from you hand,deck or field to the grave destroy one card your oppnent controls...I'll choose junk warrior..."

 

Granold: :x "Ok your move"

 

Borova: "I draw. Yes! First i activate Mine field and now for every card you play you lose 200 Life points..."

 

(Borova: 4000 Granold: 3800)

 

Borova: "...And now i attack you directly with my Trap Beast X..."

 

(Borova: 4000 Granold: 2300)

 

Borova: :P "...Your move"

 

Granold: "Now I activate the Trap Rising From The Dead. Now that you destroyed a monster through effect i can summon one level 7 monster from my hand...Alien Hero: Eye guy (ATK 2000 DEF 1500). Weren't expecting that my friend. This card cannot attack the turn it is summoned."

 

Borova: :???: "But you now lose 400 Life points for summoning and playing a trap Card..."

 

(Borova: 4000 Granold: 1900)

 

Borova: "My move.I draw. I summon Trap Beast III: Moon Stalker...(ATK 1000 DEF 1200)..."

 

(A golden Wolf appeared on the battle field)

 

Borova: "I activate my Moon stalkers effect. By sacrificing this monster you can special summon one Trap Beast from your Deck Or graveyardAnd i'll choose this beast. I play him in face down defence position.I play down a face down and i end my turn"

 

Granold: "Right i will attack with my Alien Hero on your Trap beast X..."

 

Borova: "I don't think so i play my face down. Ancient ring of power. This card decreases the ATK of a monster by 1000, so your Aliens attack is now 1000 which means you lose another thousand Life Points..."

 

(Borova: 4000 Granold: 900)

 

Granold: "...I draw. I play one monster face down and i end my turn."

 

Borova: "Giving up ey! Right this turn is the last now you played a monster you lose another 200 Life points..."

 

(Borova: 4000 Granold: 700)

 

Borova: "Now i sacrifice my Trap beast X: Lord Of Spying and my face Down Trap Beast IV: Magic Trapper to summonLord of despair.

(Level 8 ATK 3200 DEF 2700) I attack your Alien Hero: Eye Guy...!!!"

 

(Borova: 4000 Granold: 0000)

 

Granold fell to his knees and weeped to the ground. Dan walked up to Borova.

"Thanks old freind. I don't think we'll be seeing him around any time soon."

 

But the tournament was only just beggining...

 

Find out about Chapter 2 Coming soon!

[Kendo Fish]

First of all, think about whether using smilies in your story is really a good idea.

 

Second, remember to DESCRIBE! SPELL-CHECK! PUNCTUATE! READ IT ALOUD TO MAKE SURE IT MAKES SENSE! Not that there are any real mistakes in your first small slab of text, but just saying. Also, I think "spread" should be "spread across" or "spread over".

 

Third, I like the fact that it's only a slightly typical Yu-Gi-Oh story. I don't see a lot of tournament fanfics around here, just typical main characters who uses Robot Heroes and what-not to win almost every time. BE AN ORIGNAL! (It's spelled wrong on purpose. Just so you know.)

[Bassa]

Thank you for the great advice. I will keep it in mind. I love your kendo fish card!!!:P

 

What sort of story line do you think i should use instead?

 

Bassa2

[Weather Report - Stand]

Well, the story line you should use should be filled with correct capital letters, for one...(points to all letters that need to be capitalized) Oh, and you need more commas and such.

[Kendo Fish]

Seeing as you've PMed me a few times requesting for help on this, I'm glad you're so willing to improve it. But unfortunately, now you must go through one of the hardest of writer's ordeals...the WEATHER REPORT.

Hi there!! I'm bassa and i'm a fanatic about Yu-gi-oh! I hve decided to write a story about Borvon.

Bad spelling and capitalization is a sure sign you didn't use Microsoft Word' date=' or Apple Pages. NNNOOO-[/color']

 

The Dark Lords are rising again and Gronus has decided to hold a Yu-Gi-Oh tournementMust spell-check! Must use Word/Pages! to decide which of the best duelists should rise and defeat the evil that has spread the land. Borvan is one of the duelists invited to this such tournament...:evil: Why you used that smiley is beyond me. I'm happy that the character isn't just dueling random kids off the street.

The Dark Lords are rising again and Gronus has decided to hold a Yu-Gi-Oh tournementMust spell-check! Must use Word/Pages! to decide which of the best duelists should rise and defeat the evil that has spread the land. Borvan is one of the duelists invited to this such tournament...:evil: Why you used that smiley is beyond me. I'm happy that the character isn't just dueling random kids off the street.

 

Prologue:

 

The wind howled against the rooftops as Borova strolled down the allyway.Should have an e, making it alleyway. He walked slowly staring...glaring, passes byPassersby is the word you're looking for? looking at him in a way of hatred. He stopped. He stood silently in the middle of the road,thinking about the invitation. He had been invited to the biggest Yu-Gi-Oh tournament of the yearYou started quite a few sentences with "He". It's your move if you want to change that....SHOULD BE LOWERCASE but he had stopped playing three years ago since the terrible war of the gods. CAPITAL He thought for ten minutesHe didn't sit on a bench. He just stood there for TEN MINUTES and thought...and thought...and thought...we don't even know what his thoughts are. If we knew at least the basic concept of what he was pondering I'd be happy. and then turned round, heading home...he had some packing to do...What does this brave new world even look like? I guess the main character has to be Bugs Bunny? And what's the "terrible war of the gods" and how did it affect him and his card games?

 

Chapter 1: An old freind returns

Aw, no. You should have capitalized EVERY word in this sentence, and even if you had "friend" is spelled wrong. That'll be a mental scar, for some reason.

The sun rose from behind the treetops as Borova stepped out into the crowded streets. Duelists from all over the world had come to play or witness this huge event. He pushed himself to the front of the crowd to see what the crowd where looking at."What the crowd where looking at" doesn't make a lick of sense. Try "what everyone was looking at". And I guess the crowd's mute, since you don't describe any sound. Or maybe Bugs here is mute? And there, stoodTry standing. in the middle of the road were Granold and BorovasTry Borova's. Borovas would be a brave new character, and we don't want that so soon. best friend Dan. It looked as if they were having a duel...

 

Granold: And now Shadow Arch Fiend attack the horrid pest directly.

Two-no, three-no, FOUR things. ONE: It's Archfiend, not Arch Fiend. TWO: You need some commas. THREE: Unless the guy itself is Horrid Pest Dustmite or something and you're in an alternate realm, who talks like this to their opponent? FOUR: WHEN DID THIS TURN INTO A CRAPPY SCRIPT!?!?

(The fiend let out a bright ball of flame and Dan's, how could you forget to even add an s? What are Dan Life points? DLP? Have those been kept a secret from me all along? MY LIFE IS A LIEEEE.....while I'm at it, what did the fiend look like? I'm not an Archfiend type of fish, so I don't know. You just say A FIEND. So I guess THIS is it...

[spoiler=FIEND]

And it LET OUT a bright ball of flame. it just...let it out. It didn't hit anything or even violently explode...yet it made the DLP go down to zero, which wouldn't even win the duel considering we have LP to deal with, not this newfangled Dan Life Points system. life points went down to zero.)

 

"You are no match for me Dan. This tournaments mine and these people know it. Now hand over those nice cards of yours..."

He's too freaking arrogant to have grammar that bad, or the other way around. First sentence needs a comma, tournaments needs an apostrophe, third sentence also needs a comma. I also hate arrogant people in stories that always win except against the main character. is that what's gonna happen? Yeah, that's gonna happen. It's a standard first chapter plot, but it's actually alright with me. After all, making the main character LOSE valiantly at the start is a pretty strange beginning.

"Stop." Yelled Borova over all the commotion, "You can't just take my friends cards like that. If you want them you'll have to duel me first."

There are so many errors here. The first quotation needs a comma, not a period. Yelled should be lowercase. The sentence needs a period, not a comma. Friends needs an apostrophe. The fourth sentence MIGHT need a comma, but it's actually the most well-made sentence in the paragraph.Borova pulled his duel disk from his bag and and inserted his deck. Wait, do you have a program with stammering on the Internet? Because that's just weird. And I never knew he had a bag. I thought Bugs Bunny wasn't wearing anything! Weird. By the way, I GUESS Granold (WHAT WEIRD NAMES) looks like Arnold from Hey, Arnold! Also odd.

"Let the duel begin!"

I never knew the other guy agreed to this duel. Well, Bugs bunny IS crafty and potentially rude, but wasn't there a law of the Old West saying it was illegal to start duels this way? *points to Wild West Bob*

Borova: "I draw. First I'll Summon Trap Beast X: Lord of spying (ATK 1500 DEF 500) I'll throw down a face down and its your move..."

Wait. WAIT. Are they dueling with 8000 or 4000 life Points? I guess they're playing with power...6500 power! Spying needs to be capitalized. And WHAT DOES THIS TRAP BEAST X LOOK LIKE!?!? I GUESS it looks like ketchup. Splattered. On the ground. Carelessly. Ooookaaaayyy...but who says "throw down a face-down" since the 4Kids dub of Yu-Gi-Oh GX? Its should be it's. And what are the holograms doing? I guess that they're dancing. I can't help but imagine them dancing to some Michael Jackson music...still...weird.

Granold: "Weak start there...Mmm...Mmm...I just had some Campbells' soup and they expect me to be a corporate sponsor...mmm mmm good...I draw and summon Junk Warrior in attack mode (ATK 900 DEF 500) and CAPITAL I activate its effect on the turn that it is summoned its attack doubles (ATK 1800 DEF 500). Now CAPITAL I attack your puny little Trap Beast X..."

WHY DON'T THESE DUELISTS REALIZE THAT THE WEAKEST MONSTERS ALWAYS HAVE THE EFFECTS!?!? By the way, because he's dancing too hard to the music, SPEED Warrior dashes through Trap Beast X (ALSO A WEIRD NAME) wit his finger pointing straight out, supposedly cutting through the ketchup. Well, if you're not gonna describe it, what's it supposed to be?

Borova: "Not so fast. I activate My Trap beast X's effectCOLON Once per turnCOMMA by sending one Trap Beast from you hand,SPACEdeck or field to the graveYARD COMMA destroy one card your OPPONENT controls...I'll choose junk warrior CAPITALIZE..."

As SPEED Warrior presumably rips through the ketchup, the ketchup consumes him! Then it disappears into nothingness. The music's still playing, though.

Granold: :x "Ok your move"

YOU ACTUALLY USED SMILIES IN YOUR STORY. :x

Borova: "I draw.*pulls out gun* Yes!*gun falls and breaks* Aww...*draws CARD* Yes! First CAPITAL I activate Mine CAPITAL Field and now for every card you play you lose 200 Life points..."

Needz moar commas. Some dancing machines appear on the field, attempting to snag anything Arnold summons and make it dance so hard it hurts him!

(Borova: 4000 Granold: 3800)Wait, how'd he lose Life Points already? HE DIDN'T PLAY ANYTHING YET. GET OVER IT.

 

Borova: "...And now CAPITAL I attack you directly with my Trap Beast X..."

The music changes and a horde of zombies dances into him? Well, what's supposed to happen? A SERIOUS attack? BESIDES, WHEN DID HE SUMMON TRAP BEAST X? I THOUGH HE DESTROYED IT AND JUNK WARRIOR. YOUR DUEL MAKES. NO. SENSE.

(Borova: 4000 Granold: 2300)

 

Borova: :P "...Your move"

Needz less smilies.

Granold: "Now I activate the Trap Rising From The Dead. Now that you destroyed a monster through AN effect I can summon one level 7 monster from my hand...Alien Hero: Eye Guy (ATK 2000 DEF 1500).Eye Guy? EYE GUY? That's the best name you could think of. Not even Eyeman or Neo Eyeball. It had to be Eye Guy. Okay. So. The zombies who had just attacked started dancing ins-ync with one another, and leading them was Alien Hero: Eye Guy. Uhh, wut. Weren't expecting that my friend.That translates to "Were not expecting that my friend." DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? This card cannot attack the turn it is summoned."Why's there only one quotation?

 

Borova: :???:Only 2/5 of this is a smiley. That's a fail. "But you now lose 400 Life points for summoning and playing a Trap Card..."

 

(Borova: 4000 Granold: 1900)

 

Borova: "My move.I draw. I summon Trap Beast III: Moon Stalker...(ATK 1000 DEF 1200)..."

The way you make them all spy-like objects reminds me of Butt Pirate. It's just not right. Even if it's not THAT, WHO WOULD STALK THE MOON AND HOW?

(A golden Wolf appeared on the battle field)

NOW YOU DESCRIBE THEIR APPEARANCE. WHY NOW? IT MAKES. NO. SENSE.

Borova: "I activate my Moon Stalker's effect. By sacrificing this monster you can special summon one Trap Beast from your Deck or graveyardAnd I'll choose this beast.So there's a card LITERALLY called Trap Beast this beast. THAT'S SO STUPID. WUT. I play him in face down I know you might be European, but it's Defense Position.I play down a face down and I end my turn"

 

Granold: "RightPERIOD. I will attack with my Alien Hero on your Trap beast X..."

Okay, you don't attack ON monsters. YOU ATTACK MONSTERS. That's just wrong. Is Alien Hero a male? Because if it is, I will be thoroughly disturbed. Innuendo, anyone...

Borova: "I don't think soPUNCTUATION TIME COME ON I ACTIVATE my face down. Ancient ring of powerCAPITALIZE. This card decreases the ATK of a monster by 1000, so your Alien's attack is now 1000 which means you lose another thousand Life Points..."

Alien Hero tries to rape Trap Beast X, apparently, but I guess Moon Stalker has an abstinence ring which Eye Guy respects. They proceed to DANCE. Is this duel [CENSOR]ed up or what? I'M SORRY IF I OFFENDED ANYONE BACK THERE, BUT SERIOUSLY, THAT'S THE MESSAGE I GET FROM READING THIS.

(Borova: 4000 Granold: 900)

 

Granold: "...I draw. I play one monster face down and I end my turn."

 

Borova: "Giving up ey!EW. What is this sentence? that's not even how you spell EH. Nobody except a stereotypical Canadian, and a weird one at that, would END THIS SENTENCE WITH AN EXCLAMATION MARK. Right this turn is the last now you played a monster you lose another 200 Life points..."

That's a stupid sentence. IT'S SUCH A RUN-ON. The mines continue to sing "Thriller". Everybody loses.

(Borova: 4000 Granold: 700)

 

Borova: "Now I sacrifice my Trap beast X: Lord Of Spying WHEN DID WE SEE YOU SUMMON THIS? and my face Down Trap Beast IV: Magic Trapper to summonSPACELord of Despair.

(Level 8 ATK 3200 DEF 2700) I attack your Alien Hero: Eye Guy...!!!"

WHY DID YOU SAY HIS LEVEL BUT NOT EVERYONE ELSE'S? THEY COULD HAVE BEE LEVEL ONE, FOR ALL WE KNOW. And since I have no idea what Lord of Despair even looks like, I GUESS he looks like a napkin.

 

NAPKIN SMOTHER! The napkin flies into his face, preventing him from stopping the infinitely looping tune. He is forced to listen for hours and finally succumbs to defeat...and napkins.

(Borova: 4000 Granold: 0000)

YOU ONLY NEED ONE ZERO. WHAT IS THE POINT.

Granold fell to his knees and weeped to the ground.WHY DID YOU LET ME LOSE, GROUND? WHY!?!? Weeped is NOT a word. Wept is. Dan walked up to Borova.

"Thanks old freind.Thanks COMMA old freind. You're not a friend, but a different evil entity entirely. I don't think we'll be seeing him around any time soon. He's like Mako Tsunami from Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series, except this guy talks to the ground instead of the ocean."

 

But the tournament was only just beggining...THE TOURNAMENT BEGAN ALREADY!?!? WHAT IS BEGGINING!?!? SPELL-CHECK!!!

 

Find out about Chapter 2 Coming soon!You already told me about Chapter Two. Therefore I've found out about Chapter two. wut.

This fan fiction needs work. Its grammar is bad, its duels make no sense, there's no description in-game, we don't know what the main characters look like, duels consist of dancing and raping APPARENTLY...and the last move is being smothered by a napkin. Apparently. Just please use Microsoft Word or Apple Pages before you publish, and try reading over your work just to make sure it makes sense and sounds fluid.

 

Don't lose hope and lock this thread! It's your story to change! THE POWER IS YOURS!! dahIhateCaptainPlanet.

[Bassa]

Thanks for all the great advice kendo fish. You have really helped me with my story and i'll change it right away. Thanks for your comments.

 

Best wishes bassa2

[bury the year]

Hate to be a Buzz Killington, but under the new rule, script-speak is BANNED. Aside from this little tidbit, I see nothing that Kendo Fish didn't notice that needs improvement, aside from the above remark. Add description, use spellcheck, etc etc etc. AND CUT!

[Umbra]

Using Script format is currently forbidden, but I have given the members seven days to adjust to this rule. If you don't change within seven days, this thread will be LOCKED.