//this is a bad fanfiction. critiques pl0x.// //Latest Chapterlet: I.1//

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

This story is really called "DARKEST: The Pokémon Empire."

 

Auctoris Nota: The reason I call any self-respecting critic here is this: this story was written for graphic novel form. Because of the inevitable adaptation decay, this fic will become much worse than, say, Shaku no Shana's Noblest Experiment or Exovarcéôs.

This is a rather dark Pokémon fic detailing a group of rebels who seek to reclaim the Doma Region from the clutches of the Pokémon Empire. I will spoil no more of the plot, nor offer a character list or similar, but instead provide some general information that may be less than clear given only the prologue to go on. Most of the story's mechanics are established in the first chapter (y'know, that thing that isn't the intro).

[spoiler=Less than Clear]

•All Pokémon species in this fic use their English names. However, each Pokémon has his or her own name, usually an English, German, Japanese, or Latin word. In some cases, especially the Legendary Pokémon, the Japanese name of the Pokémon may be used as a name or title.

 

 

[spoiler=Introduction: The Pokémon Empire]

~~~Suikun, Queen of Suicunes~~~

 

An earth-shattering bolt of energy slammed into the glistening white tiles immediately behind me. The world whirled as I shot away, desperate to escape the assault of my former compatriot.

 

Before I could realize what was happening, I was hurtling through an inferno. Vaguely, my conscious mind realized the nature of the assault even as I barked "Hydro Pump" to extinguish the flames. Groudon and Rekkuza must have organized a double attack on me.

 

Wait — that Hyper Beam was from Rekkuza. What was wrong with Entei...?

 

I kept blasting water as I ripped through the Fire Blast at the speed of a hurricane. Ignoring the pool of molten platinum the pillars behind me left, I leaped onto the wall and sprang off it, toppling it utterly. I heard at least a few Claydol and a Linoone crying out in pain as the stone collapsed on them. Nevertheless, I pressed on.

 

The Hall of Origin wasn't built to withstand siege, so the rebel Legends were tearing the place apart. The great ivory flooring of the dining hall ahead of me was massively rifted — Kaiogra battled Raikou in the kitchens below. I was certain the Farfetch'd and Ludicolo the Imperator once kept as cooks were either dead or under the silver floorboards in terror of the titanic king of the sea.

 

As I dashed over the horrendously cracked floor-ceiling, I took heart in the unconscious, smoking Kyogres lying near the rift. The occasional Thunder attacks Raikou used to fry the fiends was my only way of knowing he was alive. Unfortunately, those bolts hadn't appeared for quite some time.

 

Now that I was close, I noticed what was there — a fine, almost imperceptible white mist. My heart practically stopped. That mist wouldn't have aroused my suspicions had I not known Kaiogra's signature move.

 

The mist was Sheer Cold. Contact with it meant death.

 

Raikou wasn't about to die on my watch. I leaped over the gap, pressing down near its edge. The entire ceiling all but crumbled. Entei, wherever he was, would be here with the king of Kyogres. Groudon would come down too; only Rayquaza would have the option of staying in the dining hall.

 

I was furious at this point. Groudon's weight pulled him into a sort of dive that left him on the ground, dazed. I took the opportunity to screech, "Hydro Pump!" Unfortunately, Kaiogra took the hit — almost without harm.

 

Entei was perfectly at home amidst the flaming wreckage left by Groudon's Fire Blast, but few of his techniques would work very well here. He aimed a Fire Blast of his own at Kaiogra, but Groudon, against whom the attack would have even less effect, took the hit instead.

 

Raikou landed near me even as I fired another Hydro Pump. His presence, hammering in the despair of the situation, intensified my blast even more. My lover added his own growl, "Thunder!" The situation was looking desperate for our opponents.

 

It was Groudon who took both hits. Paling against the might of my attack, he toppled over backwards, unconscious. I slumped against Raikou, dizzied by my own power.

 

I was in a queer sort of paradise — saving the world from evil ambition alongside Raikou. I'm very glad I died then and there.

 

~~~Raikou, King of Raikou~~~

 

I was in a queer sort of paradise — saving the world from evil ambition alongside Suikun. I'm very glad I died then and there.

 

It was only much later that I learned what happened. Regirock knocked out Fire, and from there, Thunder and Freezer fell quickly. They stayed out for long enough that the three Regis were able to create some sort of ultimate technique. Imperator Aruseus, locked in battle with the Reverse Imperator Giratina, was unable to avoid this technique and fell. The Reverse Imperator also died, as I understand it, and Groudon, on the edge of death, doomed the Legendary Ancients to subservience in the name of the Pokémon Empire.

 

The rest of us? Executed as examples to the rest of the world.

 

I supposed, on opening my eyes again, that the act may have been the downfall of the Pokémon Empire.

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter I: Atrissimus]

[spoiler=Chapter I-1]

~~~Darkest, Shuppet Heir~~~

 

I would be the first to tell you that Shuppets suck.

 

At last count, 96.3% of all Shuppets were shown to be afflicted with some mental disorder that cut their attention span to about zero. Actually, I was among them. I, however, put my attention deficit hyperactive disorder to good use. If the Capital's population was any indication, few Shuppets did — actually, I knew of only one that bothered.

 

Abandoning her was... difficult. Still, she did agree to it. Besides, after unseating Father, we'd actually be able to get somewhere.

 

I put my attention deficit hyperactive disorder to good use. The rebellion's hideaways were designed with utmost secrecy in mind, obviously; they'd have been crushed by now otherwise. The forest I now trawled for evidence was small and out-of-the-way, but incredibly dense; it would take an experienced woodsman or soldier to traverse it by any means other than phasing. It would be all but impossible to gain access to their domain without an extensive arsenal of powers. Fortunately, I'd taken the time to bring one.

 

A white flag was the most important item on me. Its power is immense, no? They say the pen is mightier than the sword, and seeing where that white flag led me, that idiom is among the few I'd believe.

 

The ground immediately below me aroused my suspicions. Looking a bit more closely, I noted that the ground was ever-so-slightly more rough on that spot. Imperial troops, however, would notice that. It couldn't be the spot.

 

Perhaps nearby...? After all, my father had contacts in the Pokémon Empire. The employment of ghosts by the Empire wouldn't be unheard of, would it?

 

I could see it then — legions of Shuppets searching ecstatically for amorphous rebels to rape, chattering at a nigh-imperceptible rate. That made me proud to be a Shuppet in the same way Unknown, the leader whom I would need to beseech, was a proud citizen of the Pokémon Empire.

 

I had an idea. I murmured, "Screech." A tremendous noise reminiscent of nails on a chalkboard rent the air. I focused on that noise with every bit of memory my brain had available.

 

I'd found the entrance. Acoustics were a bit different on some more natural-seeming ground directly ahead. I dove down into that ground, my invisible hand on my white flag.

 

•••

 

Ah. The place was empty.

 

That was... bad.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapters update very frequently, but are very, very short.

[Kendo Fish]

I wouldn't call this bad at all. In fact, it actually looks...good. Consider yourself an awesome writer if you actually think this is bad. One thing that bothers me, though, is you using the CONFUSING Japanese and such titles. I know who thunder and Freezer and Kaiogra are, but who's Rekkuza? Is it Rayquaza? I can only guess. Also, why are there suddenly several Kyogres? Can't really complain about that until the first chapter, though.

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

Oh. Uh... thanks very much. :?

 

Rekkuza is Rayquaza.

 

There's several of all of them; you'll note that Suikun is the queen of all Suicunes, Raikou the lord of all Raikous, et cetera. I couldn't figure out a way to make anyone other than the Kyogres relevant, though. This is why I say it's bad; in graphic novel form, I don't have to tie the scenery into the plot nearly as much, so it makes a lot more sense.

[bury the year]

If this is bad, then I'm going to go renovate my skull with an industrial blender. It's short, mind, but at least you have the gall to actually use good spelling/grammar with an original plot. Keep it up!

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

Uh... okay. O,x

 

Next chapter will be up tomorrow, then, if not today. It took me about an hour to write the intro.

 

Don't expect anything long or impressive, though; intro-length is about all you'll get per entry.

[Nexev]

Interesting, it bugs me that I can't tell who is on who's side but I'll probbaly learn that in chapter one or two.

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

Actually, you won't be seeing them again for a loooong time. :D

 

Revel in your confusion. It's intentional.

 

Updated with ChI, Part 1.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Well, I'm gonna have to review this now. Please excuse me for being really normal here, as you asked.

This story is really called "DARKEST: The Pokémon Empire."

 

Auctoris Nota: The reason I call any self-respecting critic here is this: this story was written for graphic novel form. Because of the inevitable adaptation decay' date=' this fic will become much worse than, say, Shaku no Shana's Noblest Experiment or Exovarcéôs.

This is a rather dark Pokémon fic detailing a group of rebels who seek to reclaim the Doma Region from the clutches of the Pokémon Empire. I will spoil no more of the plot, nor offer a character list or similar, but instead provide some general information that may be less than clear given only the prologue to go on. Most of the story's mechanics are established in the first chapter (y'know, that thing that isn't the intro).

Yay! No badly-done character lists!

[spoiler=Less than Clear]

•All Pokémon species in this fic use their English names. However, each Pokémon has his or her own name, usually an English, German, Japanese, or Latin word. In some cases, especially the Legendary Pokémon, the Japanese name of the Pokémon may be used as a name or title.

Sounds confusing.

 

 

[spoiler=Introduction: The Pokémon Empire]

~~~Suikun, Queen of Suicunes~~~

HOLY FREAKING CRUD!! THERE'S MORE THAN ONE NOW?! Or were there more already... didn't Ho-Oh make just three Legendary Beasts though? KNOW YO POKE-FACTS!!

An earth-shattering bolt of energy slammed into the glistening white tiles immediately behind me. The world whirled as I shot away, desperate to escape the assault of my former compatriot.

Woah, this SHOULD have been a graphic novel! I'm overly confused! Where is he? What's shooting fire at him? Why is your friend trying to kill you--naah, better yet, WHO IS HE?!

Before I could realize what was happening, I was hurtling through an inferno. Vaguely, my conscious mind realized the nature of the assault even as I barked "Hydro Pump" to extinguish the flames. Groudon and Rekkuza must have organized a double attack on me.

...Uh. You jump to escape a LIGHTNING BOLT into a HUGE FIRE and you decide to let lose a HYDRO PUMP. Then GROUDON AND RAYQUAZA are trying to KILL YOU!! Worst day ever. So either your main character's a Kyogre OR he's some dude who can spit out a big-butt load of water that made Rayquaza and Groudon angry. What an idiot.

Wait — that Hyper Beam was from Rekkuza. What was wrong with Entei...?

Who CARES about Entei! You're getting chased by Rayquaza and Groudon! THAT'S ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT!! And Rekkuza is a cool name.

I kept blasting water as I ripped through the Fire Blast at the speed of a hurricane. Ignoring the pool of molten platinum the pillars behind me left, I leaped onto the wall and sprang off it, toppling it utterly. I heard at least a few Claydol and a Linoone crying out in pain as the stone collapsed on them. Nevertheless, I pressed on.

I'd love to see a flying Kyogre like that. Wait... who even knows if this is a Kyogre we're handling here? This could be Suicune, Manaphy, Mew, Blastoise, or even Suicune whose name was listed on the title(I said that one twice on purpose)! Where do you blast the water from? Maybe it comes out of yyour bunghole and propels you forward. Please help erase that picture from my mind and at least say 'spit' once. Why's there a random wall? Are there SEVERAL walls lying around the Great Tiled Plains? Which game did we explore this place? I sure don't remember it. And I can't BELIEVE those idiot pokemon just sat there as Kyogre/Suicune/Both plowed through a wall and got squished! IDIOTS, ALL OF THEM. I'm aggravated now.

The Hall of Origin wasn't built to withstand siege, so the rebel Legends were tearing the place apart. The great ivory flooring of the dining hall ahead of me was massively rifted — Kaiogra battled Raikou in the kitchens below. I was certain the Farfetch'd and Ludicolo the Imperator once kept as cooks were either dead or under the silver floorboards in terror of the titanic king of the sea.

... They have Claydols and Linoones in the Hall of Origin? They didn't even live in Sinnoh. Unless the Hall WAS in Hoenn until they decided to relocate last year. That was a big move. So I hope in the "story" we learn how come all these idiots are fighting while the Claydols and Linoones are running around getting squished. How dare they try to kill Ludicolo the... Imperator... oh, it means commander. Thank you, Wikipedia. I understand that they wanted to kill the useless Farfetch'd, but Ludicolos are awesome! How does one become a cook and commander here, anyhow?

As I dashed over the horrendously cracked floor-ceiling, I took heart in the unconscious, smoking Kyogres lying near the rift. The occasional Thunder attacks Raikou used to fry the fiends was my only way of knowing he was alive. Unfortunately, those bolts hadn't appeared for quite some time.

Watch out on that floor-ceiling! You could fall into the living room-bathroom! Why is there a pile of dead Kyogres? How did there get to be so many?How come everybody else just decide to kill off every last Kyogre and end the war there? No legends have ever liked that species. It was too arrogant and cocky.

Now that I was close, I noticed what was there — a fine, almost imperceptible white mist. My heart practically stopped. That mist wouldn't have aroused my suspicions had I not known Kaiogra's signature move.

You say Kyogres and then Kaiogra. Why? Is that the leader(which we call Kyogre as well)? Is it a VERY similar species, except it weighs three pound lighter and is covered in tiny hairs?

The mist was Sheer Cold. Contact with it meant death.

Don't worry, this is a KID'S story/comic. The worst that could happen is that you'd faint.

Raikou wasn't about to die on my watch. I leaped over the gap, pressing down near its edge. The entire ceiling all but crumbled. Entei, wherever he was, would be here with the king of Kyogres. Groudon would come down too; only Rayquaza would have the option of staying in the dining hall.

... I was right? This story is about pokemon trying to kill those bastard Kyogres off?! WOW! Amazing, I got it right on the third try!!

I was furious at this point. Groudon's weight pulled him into a sort of dive that left him on the ground, dazed. I took the opportunity to screech, "Hydro Pump!" Unfortunately, Kaiogra took the hit — almost without harm.

I thought it said 'Groudon would come down too', and yet you say he fell somehow. For some reason. Good grief. WHY?!

Entei was perfectly at home amidst the flaming wreckage left by Groudon's Fire Blast, but few of his techniques would work very well here. He aimed a Fire Blast of his own at Kaiogra, but Groudon, against whom the attack would have even less effect, took the hit instead.

If water-on-water is so useless, then why is Entei using FIRE-on-water? Shouldn't THAT be useless as well? Can't pokemon think? And why hasn't the Ludicolo appeared to save the day?

Raikou landed near me even as I fired another Hydro Pump. His presence, hammering in the despair of the situation, intensified my blast even more. My lover added his own growl, "Thunder!" The situation was looking desperate for our opponents.

L-lover?! She and Raikou... lovers?! NOBODY likes RAIKOU!! Why else do you think he's never been in a movie or the anime(besides that spin-off, but that don't count 'round these parts)? Shouldn't she be with bad-boy Entei? I'm thinking too hard on this. In conclusion, she's the only one IN THE KNOWN(to me)UNIVERSE that likes Raikou. Anyways, Entei is useless here due to the type failures. He should just leave. Then Raikou hits Kyogre and Suicune the Suicune(doesn't care about name listed at top of chapter) hits Groudon. THE END. OR IS IT...?

It was Groudon who took both hits. Paling against the might of my attack, he toppled over backwards, unconscious. I slumped against Raikou, dizzied by my own power.

Heh, no wonder he's the dinosaur(What?)!

I was in a queer sort of paradise — saving the world from evil ambition alongside Raikou. I'm very glad I died then and there.

But you blew up Groudon. How did you die? Wait! He took out a tube as he fell to the ground and spat a poison dart out a poison dart at Suicune!!

~~~Raikou, King of Raikou~~~

GREAT NAME.

I was in a queer sort of paradise — saving the world from evil ambition alongside Suikun. I'm very glad I died then and there.

Erm... there were TWO darts.

It was only much later that I learned what happened. Regirock knocked out Fire, and from there, Thunder and Freezer fell quickly. They stayed out for long enough that the three Regis were able to create some sort of ultimate technique. Imperator Aruseus, locked in battle with the Reverse Imperator Giratina, was unable to avoid this technique and fell. The Reverse Imperator also died, as I understand it, and Groudon, on the edge of death, doomed the Legendary Ancients to subservience in the name of the Pokémon Empire.

Whubba-huuuuuuh?! So... the regis took out a large bonfire, an electric generator and the Rotom Freezer-form(NOT CHECKING JAPANESE NAMES!!). Turns out that the regis did it by transforming into the Power Rangers megazord-thing or whatever the heck it is. Then Commander-in-Chef(well if Imperator Ludicolo could cook, so can Arceus. Therefore he is Commander-in-Chef) Arceus, who could make the best deserts in the land and blow sh*t up too, was attacked by REVERSE COMMANDER-N-CHEF GIRATINA!! But they got hit by the megazord and died. THEY WERE STILL STRONG, THEY JUST SUCK AT DEFENDING ULTIMATE TECHNIQUES! So then Groudon said "I doom you Legendary Ancients guys to subservience in da name o'da Pokemon Empire."

 

HOW DOES RAIKOU LEARN ALL THIS NOW?! THIS TAKES PLACE AFTER HE DIES!! HOW COULD HE KNOW?!

The rest of us? Executed as examples to the rest of the world.

Okay, so you're dead AND talking.

I supposed, on opening my eyes again, that the act may have been the downfall of the Pokémon Empire.

You died and CAME ALIVE AGAIN!! MAKE SENSE MORE!!

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter I: Atrissimus]

[spoiler=Chapter I-1]

~~~Darkest, Shuppet Heir~~~

 

I would be the first to tell you that Shuppets suck.

No, actually I would be the first. Trust me.

At last count, 96.3% of all Shuppets were shown to be afflicted with some mental disorder that cut their attention span to about zero. Actually, I was among them. I, however, put my attention deficit hyperactive disorder to good use. If the Capital's population was any indication, few Shuppets did — actually, I knew of only one that bothered.

Wow. I think that's so sad it's funny. Who knew that Darkrai--oh, no. I mean DARKEST used to be one.

Abandoning her was... difficult. Still, she did agree to it. Besides, after unseating Father, we'd actually be able to get somewhere.

Who's she? You have a dad? What about your mom?

I put my attention deficit hyperactive disorder to good use. The rebellion's hideaways were designed with utmost secrecy in mind, obviously; they'd have been crushed by now otherwise. The forest I now trawled for evidence was small and out-of-the-way, but incredibly dense; it would take an experienced woodsman or soldier to traverse it by any means other than phasing. It would be all but impossible to gain access to their domain without an extensive arsenal of powers. Fortunately, I'd taken the time to bring one.

How do you put ADHD to good use? Isn't that an oxymoron? Bad pun aside, I don't get it. You live in an idiot town with a rebellion. How could idiots have crushed it? Why worry about that? Wasn't the guy an idiot when he went to the forest, so it's really simple for a normal dude to go through? The idiot clause has been born(When some stupid guy does something simple after a long time in a story. The explanation: something that has to do with his idiocy.).

A white flag was the most important item on me. Its power is immense, no? They say the pen is mightier than the sword, and seeing where that white flag led me, that idiom is among the few I'd believe.

How would HE know? He was an idiot. You're not using the '0 attention span' thing correctly.

The ground immediately below me aroused my suspicions. Looking a bit more closely, I noted that the ground was ever-so-slightly more rough on that spot. Imperial troops, however, would notice that. It couldn't be the spot.

GASP! The self-described idiot has noticed something important! In fact, what's this story about? He talks about all Shuppets being dumb. Then he goes onto a forest trek with a rebellion in it! How did we go from this to that? What's supposed to be happening here? I'M BORED!

Perhaps nearby...? After all, my father had contacts in the Pokémon Empire. The employment of ghosts by the Empire wouldn't be unheard of, would it?

WHat does the empire even DO, anyways?

I could see it then — legions of Shuppets searching ecstatically for amorphous rebels to rape, chattering at a nigh-imperceptible rate. That made me proud to be a Shuppet in the same way Unknown, the leader whom I would need to beseech, was a proud citizen of the Pokémon Empire.

But Shuppets can't rape people. They don't have those parts. Pokemon can't have sex, eggs just pop out of nowhere. GET YO POKE-FACTS RIGHT!! And once more, what does the empire DO?! Why is this guy beseeching the leader? He never told us! You ripped out half of the story!! Plus, why is the "hero" proud of his culture trying to rape stuff? Ew.

I had an idea. I murmured, "Screech." A tremendous noise reminiscent of nails on a chalkboard rent the air. I focused on that noise with every bit of memory my brain had available.

You see shuppets raping stuff. Then you use screech. Nothing happens.

I'd found the entrance. Acoustics were a bit different on some more natural-seeming ground directly ahead. I dove down into that ground, my invisible hand on my white flag.

You see shuppets raping stuff. Then you use screech. Nothing happens. THEN YOU USE ECHOLOCATION TO FIND A SECRET BASE!! So, uh, I guess everybody is fighting the shuppets and stuff. I can't even follow this story.

•••

 

Ah. The place was empty.

 

That was... bad.

I agree.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapters update very frequently, but are very, very short.

So: It's a story about a Suicune named Suikun, who's the QUEEN OF THE SUICUNES!! She appears in the Hall of Origin when it was in Hoenn. Then she's attacked by RAYQUAZA AND GROUDON!! She jumps off of a wall and squishes some guys. Then she's on the ceiling-floor! She sees a pile of dead Kyogres! And Raikou appears! She's STILL attacked, but Rayquaza went away! SO KYOGRE'S HERE!! Entei attacks, doing nothing! So Raikou and Suikun attack! Groudon spits poison darts at then both and they die!

 

Then Raikou, the Raikou is the main character as he dies! He instantly figures out that a bonfire, a generator and a Rotom-freezer were killed by the REGI MEGAZORD!! But it also killed the Commander-in-Chef Arceus and the REVERSE-CHEF-PRESIDENT GIRATINA!! Then Raikou comes back to life! YAY!

 

Then a Shuppet is the main character! He's Darkest! Literally! That's his name! He says he's an idiot in a place called Idiot Town full of mostly idiots--except for the rebel-idiots! They're rebels AND idiots! So he betrays his sister and father by going to the base with a flag! But he's too late! The rebels and the army that appeared are raping each other! The guy takes this time to find the base with a well-thought-out plan!

 

And that's what I got out of this story. You're right. It sucks. No explanation was given. This would suck, even as a graphic novel. I don't get anything. Nothing is really connected. The names suck. The idiot is smart, even when he said he was an idiot. THIS STORY IS TOO RANDOM IN A BAD WAY!! IT'S LIKE IT WAS WRITTEN BY A NOOB WITH GOOD GRAMMAR! THEY SPEAK CORRECTLY BUT THEY ARE STILL NOOBS!! I CAN'T KEEP UP! I'm...done.

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

Nah. As a graphic novel, it'd make a lot more sense. Written literature is much more focused.

 

'Sides, I haven't written the exposition yet. ^_^ If I were taking this seriously, this wouldn't even be a single chapter.