The Aiko Chronicles [first fan-fic]

[Master Red]

Before you start reading I just want to say that the language in this fan-fic is most likely not perfect since I'm from Sweden, thus not making english my first language. I hope that you will enjoy this fan-fiction anyways though.

If you have any advice on how to improve my writing (or layout) please give them to me. This is my first time writing a fan-fiction so I don't know if this is the "correct way" to write it or not.

I also want warn readers that there will be a bit of Yaoi in this fan-fic

 

So, I hope you will enjoy this fiction and that you'll leave a comment or two after reading it.

 

[spoiler=The Aiko Chronicles: Prologue]

“If Domino stands, it will fall into darkness” the man said sounding disturbingly serious.

“B-But..” Aiko stammered. How could it be? She had to destroy her home town? The city that she loved? “I don’t understand” she managed to squeeze out between her thoughts of however she had gotten herself into all this.

“You don’t have to understand miss Darling, you just have to do it.” The man said, scanning the pale girl up and down. She sure didn’t look like it , but this was in fact one of the top duelists in Domino City.

 

He shook his head a bit in amazement that this girl was actually the person to lead this mission. How old was she? Seventeen? He took in her appearance again. Her looks reminded him of the young Mai Valentine, dressed in a dark blue dress with even darker blue details on it, and the long and wavy blonde hair. He wondered if this could actually be the daughter of Mai Valentine, but her last name didn’t support this theory. Although, even the names were similar, Valentine and Darling. He smiled at the thought of this and was considering asking if her mother was in fact Mai. Darling could be the name of her husbandt that she’d taken. However, he restrained himself from doing that, since he thought it would be a bit inappropriate.

 

Aiko swallowed and looked at the man and gave him a short nod. “I’ll do it, you know I will.. Mr. Kaiba” She gave a short bow to the man and walked away.

“We’ll contact you when we have further information” the man said just before she left the room. She gave him a quick look and stepped out of the office.

The doors closed automatically and she gave a loud sigh and leaned to the wall next to the door. She looked at the name on the door “Mokuba Kaiba, CEO” she read and once again let out a sigh, this one however, was barely audiable. “Whatever you say” she mumbled and walked down the corridor, her steps feeling heavy and the corridor longer than ever. She gazed out the windows at the city, with its majestic buildings towering into the sky and the rushing traffic down on the streets. The city had never seemed so alive before.

 

Mokuba Kaiba sat down in his chair again, looking blankly out in the space in front of him. It hadn’t been too long ago that his brother had disappeared and he had been forced to take over the company. More than anything he wanted to search for his brother, but he was stuck here in this dark office to answer phone calls instead. His managers had told him that the police did everything they could in order to find out what had happened to his brother, but in his heart he knew that they couldn’t help. His brother had always been working on various machines and gadgets to enhance the experience of playing the duel monsters game. A couple of weeks before his dissappearance, Mokuba knew that he had been working on a new project. He didn’t know what it was or where it had been located though.

 

“Mr. Kaiba san.” The voice of one of his managers pulled him out of his thoughts. He pressed a button on the small machine that the voice had been comeing from.

“Yes, Hatake?” Mokuba answered, trying not to sound tired and bored.

“We need you to come to the conference room immideatly” Hatake said, “it’s about the mission” he added quickly, talking with a lower voice.

Mokuba sighed, “I‘m on my way” he answered shortly and shut of the answering machine. He smiled, even though he was the boss of the company, it seemed Hatake was the one ordering him around. He felt as if he’d wanted to run away rather than go to that meeting and he couldn’t avoid wondering if his brother had felt the same way. Even though he was a grown man now, in his thirties, he felt as if keeping this company going was too much for him. It had always been his brother who had taken care of these things, and now he had started to realize how hard and stressful it actually was.

He looked himself in a mirror hanging on the wall beside him and took in the image looking back at him. The long hair had been cut of long ago to leave a more “adult” hairstyle, short and combed back, making him look “important”, the black suit he was aquired to wear reinforced this look.

The look disturbed him, but it wasn’t the hair, nor the clothes that bothered him the most. No, it was his eyes. They looked very tired and he thought they made him look old.

He stood up again from his chair, got his suitcase, and made his way towards the conference room.

 

The sudden tune of her cellphone made Aiko jump a little in chock. She had been completely buried in her own thoughts and the familiar tune of her cell one had abruptly dragged her out of them. She fumbled with her purse for a while before she managed to get a hold of the small metallic phone that deteminitly kept on ringing.

“Yes, hello?” she answered, guessing she sounded as if she’d just woke up.

“Aiko!” a familiar voice on the other end said, “I’m sorry did I wake you?”

“No, no.. I just had a hard time finding the phone in the purse, that’s all. Don’t worry about it Sora”

“Oh.. okay” Sora, said sounding relieved. “I have been trying to reach you for a while now without success, what have you been doing all this time?”

Aiko smiled a little, sometimes Sora sounded like her mom, but she chose not to say so since she knew this would only make her angry. “Oh, nothing really. I’ve been checking out some things about this tournament that is due in a couple of days, as the queen of games they probably expect me to show, so I just looked into it.”

“Oh, but that was exactly what I was wanting to talk to you about!” Sora said happily, bouncing a little on her bed in excitement. “I’ve decided to run this time too, but I need your help to complete my deck.”

“That’s wonderful Sora!” Aiko couldn’t help but smile, she had been trying to get Sora to enter a tournament for a long time, but she had always refused, saying that her Deck was no good and that she wasn’t ready. Aiko knew that these where just excuses for her being afraid of making a fool of herself in public. Something that probably wouldn’t happen since she was a terrific duelist, and always had been. Heck! She was probably even better than Aiko if she would just relax!

“Aiko? You there?” Sora asked nervously after a while since it had been awefully quiet in the other end of the phone for a while.

“Yes, sorry, I must have drifted off in my own thoughts. I’ll come by your house right away so I can help you!” Aiko answered and quickly ran across the street, defying the fact that there was a red light telling her not to. Annoyed motorists honked ther horns to show their discontent with her action.

“Great! See you soon” Sora hanged up the phone and looked down on the floor. It was filled with cards, explaining the fact to why she was sitting on her bed. She smiled and played a little with a streak of her red hair while she waited excitedly for Aiko to come by.

 

The Deck was almost finished now, just a few cards needed to be added, but she couldn’t figure out which ones. She needed to pick out every card for the deck very carefully, making even one misstake could cost her, so she had called Aiko for an expert point of view. She knew that she was a good duelist, but her fear of the stage and perfectionism had made it impossible for her to enter before. This time however, would be different. She had confident in her deck now and with Aikos help, she knew she’d be able to make a stand in the tournament.

She laid down on the bed and looked up towards the ceiling. A poster of the legendary duelist Yugi Muto was placed directly above the bed and she reached out her hand trying to touch it. Someday, she would too become a great name in the dueling world, someday she would too have posters. “someday” she mumbled and smiled.

 

 

[spoiler=The Aiko Chronicles: Chapter 1]

“I hope this is important” Mokuba said as he sat down at the very end of the single table in the conference room. The conference room was very small compared to most other rooms in the building and it was very dark, lacking both windows and decent lighting.

“We have made some progressions with the translations Mr.Kaiba” one of the managers on the other end of the table said. “We have discovered that the prophecy is speaking of some kind of core or heart of the city, which if not destroyed in time will be covered in darkness and devour the city.. And later on the whole world.” The man silenced, looking nervously over at Mokuba. “There’s a problem though” the man continued. “Here it comes” Mokuba thought to himself at his words. “The prophecy doesn’t mention the whereabouts of this heart, neither gives any clues of an other document that does…” the man swallowed and fell silent. “We need to know how to find it and how much time we have..” Mokuba said, rising from the table. “Yes of course, Mr. Kaiba sir. We’ll get right back to Trans-”

“And don’t call me back here again unless you’ve discovered the whereabouts of this ’heart of domino’!” with those words Mokuba stormed out of the conference room and continued a long way down the corridor before he stopped.

 

He was breathing heavily and he could feel sweat drops forming on his forehead. He quickly pulled out a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped them away. He was about to start walking again, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him. The hand was very delicate, yet masculine. Mokuba did only know one such hand, well a pair of such hands to be correct and he turned around to face the hands owner.

“Hatake” Mokuba said nodding politely towards him.

“Moku-” Hatake started.

“You can’t call me that!” Mokuba hissed, glaring at Hatake, “Not here, Eiji. You know that..”

Eiji looked down at the floor, shamefully “Sorry” he mumbled and raised his head again. “I’m worried about you Mo-” Eiji swallowed, “Mr. Kaiba san..” Eiji stroked his hair further to the right, since it was starting to fall into his eye. He had a rather peculiar haircut for his age, short in the back and long bangs combed to the right. Mokuba thought it was cute that he tried to look like the young boys in the pop bands even though he was the same age as Mokuba, 32. Other than his hairstyle Eiji didn’t stand out much amongst the other workers style wise. It was hard to do that though, since the company had a dress code for both men and women. Men being obliged to wear a black suit and tie and women to wear a red or blue jacket with a matching skirt and a white shirt.

“Don’t be, I’m fine” Mokuba said, looking away from Eiji.

“You’re not fine!” Eiji said, unconsciously raising his voice, getting curious looks from some bystanders. “you’re not fine.” he repeated, lowering his voice to a whisper.

Mokuba sighed and made an attempt to leave, but Hatake quickly stopped him once again, by placing his hand on Mokubas shoulder.

“You should get some rest, take a couple of days off, get that sparkle back into you eyes” Eiji looked very concerned and Mokuba realized that he was begging. “Please” Eiji whispered, “If not for me, then at least do it for yourself.” Eiji removed his hand from Mokubas shoulder, “Please.”

Mokuba looked out one of the many large windows in the corridor. Dark clouds were forming in the distance, promising a heavy rainfall. He didn’t mind though, it had been awfully hot these last couple of days so it would be welcomed. He let out a sigh and turned back towards Eiji again, “Okay, I’ll take a few days off.” he said, smiling, “I guess the company can manage without me for a while.” He gave Eiji a slight bow before leaving for his office again. Eiji returned the bow, looking very relieved before he quickly rushed off in the opposite direction to get back to work.

 

The doorbell rang, waking Sora. She had apparently dozed off on her bed and she quickly got up and ran across the floor, careful not to step on any cards. She made a brief stop by a mirror to adjust her clothes and to make sure her hair didn’t look messy. She noticed that her hair had gotten a bit tangled in the back so she put it up in a pony-tail with a green silk ribbon to hide it. She took a final look at her appearance and realized that her clothes didn’t really match, wearing an old knitted brown shirt with brown and black patterns at the shoulders and a pair of grey sweatpants. The doorbell rang again and she rushed through the hallway, which, as she was running through it realized she should have cleaned a while ago. There were clothes and shoes lying scattered over the floor and you could actually see dust bunnies in some of the corners. She didn’t have time to clean now though, she thought and flung the door open, scaring the living hell out of Aiko.

“Finally!” Sora squealed excitedly and dragged Aiko inside.

“Calm down Sora!” Aiko half laughed half yelled out, managing to break lose of Sora’s tight grip around her wrist.

“Sorry” Sora said, smiling as an excuse, “I’m just eager to get the deck finished,.”

“You’re excused” Aiko laughed, “But we’ll better get to work, that deck isn’t going to finish itself, is it?” she pointed out, suddenly turning serious. Sora nodded and they started walking towards her room.

Aiko let out a cough of shock as Sora opened the door to her room.

“So I guess a bomb filled with duel monsters cards exploded in your room..” she said, looking over at Sora.

“Oh, yeah!” Sora said, laughing nervously, “I guess I went a bit overboard, huh?”

Aiko let her eyes sweep across the floor again. The cards weren’t even organized! There was monster cards on top of spell cards, on top of trap cards, on top of synchros… As she saw the mess, she knew that this would take a long time. Not that she’d mind though, it would keep her mind off what had happened earlier today.

 

Mokuba turned over once again in his bed, giving up his attempt to sleep. There were too many things running through his mind at the moment, making it impossible for him to even relax. He got up, feeling the cool of the marble floor on his bare feet. He silently walked over to the door, afraid to wake Eiji who was sleeping heavily. Mokuba looked over at him before entering the hallway, smiling over his peacefulness.

It took some time for his eyes to get used to the darkness in the hallway, but after a while he could make out enough of the silhouettes of the various objects in the room to be able to walk around.

Mokuba walked for a while through the various corridors in the mansion until he finally stopped in front a door. It was nothing special with the doors appearance, it was brown just like the other doors in the mansion with no details what so ever. Not even the size was any different than most of the other doors in the mansion. But the door was special in an other way, it was the door to his brothers room. Mokuba laid his hand on the handle, hesitating a little before turning it. He hadn’t been inside his brother’s room since his disappearance, but this night he felt drawn to it.

He switched on the lights in the room. You could see a thin layer of dust on the furniture proving that no one had been inside there for a while. Mokuba hadn’t even let the maids clean in there, he would change that now since he got a gloomy feeling from the lifelessness the dust gave the room. The expensive wooden drawers, end tables, wardrobes and even his brother’s desk had lost their soul from not being used or even tended to. Mokuba walked around in the room taking in the little essence it still had. When he got to his brothers desk a smile spread across his face. On the old wooden desk laid his brothers deck. Mokuba couldn’t resist the urge to look through it so he sat down at the desk starting to go through the old deck. He couldn’t help but wonder why Seto’s deck was lying there. He had put it away for good a long time ago, so what was it doing lying around on his desk? Mokuba started to look through the drawers on the desk for some kind of clue when he saw a letter addressed to his brother.

He opened it and read it.

 

“ Dear Mr. Kaiba.

We want to invite you to the Duel Monsters Grand Slam Tournament that will be held during the next month. We know that you have retired from duelling but it would be an honour to have you compete. If you don’t wish to compete we would like you to open the tournament as well as handing out prizes. Please give us your answer as quickly as possible.

 

Domino Duelling Society”

 

Mokuba put the letter back and glanced at his brother’s deck again, had he really thought about entering the tournament? Mokuba almost laughed, his brother had clearly not been paying attention to the developments in the game. His deck was far too slow to stand a chance in the current Meta of the game. Suddenly Mokuba got an idea, he checked the letter one more time, finding a phone number. Although, as he was about to make the call he realised that it was far too late at night to be making such a card. It wasn’t too late at night to fix his brothers deck though, he thought to himself and went over to what seemed to be the doors to a walk in closet. It kind of was though, although the closet was filled with cards instead of clothes. Mokuba had always liked this card closet, thinking how amazing it was that they owned at least one copy of nearly every card. It was a long time ago Mokuba had built a deck, but he felt really eager to get started.

 

“How many cards do you need now?” Aiko asked tiredly, rubbing her eyes.

Sora counted the cards in her deck and looked over at Aiko. “Just one more now” she said looking happy.

Aiko looked through the few remaining cards, there was nothing useful left. And running a deck with even just one random card could totally ruin the whole deck. Then Aiko remembered having a card in her purse that she didn’t need anyways. “I’ve got it” she exclaimed, crawling over to her purse. She dug around in it for a while before she found what she was looking for.

“Here” she said, holding out a card. “I want you to use this card.”

Sora gently took the card out of Aikos hands. “Torrential Tribute” she read, looking up at Aiko with a shocked expression.

“I can’t take this!” she said trying to give the card back to Aiko, “Use it yourself.”

Aiko laughed, “I already am” she said shoving Sora’s arms away from her. “I got this card a couple of days ago and I thought I’d give it to you.”

“Really?” Sora said, looking at the card again.

“Really” Aiko said, nodding. “It’s a really good card too, since it can completely turn the game around.”

Sora nodded, “I know, all top duellists use it since it’s almost never a bad draw”. Sora looked at the card again, it would surely come in handy in a pinch.

Aiko let out a yawn. “Well,” she said, “Since your deck is completed I guess I’d better get going , it’s really late.” Sora smiled, “Thank you for your help Aiko, you’re a real friend.”

“Oh, don’t start with such sentimental crap Sora” Aiko said sounding annoyed, “Just send me a thank you note when you win a duel thanks to my card.” She stuck out her tongue and made a victory sign.

Sora laughed, “It’s a deal” she said, nodding agreeing.

 

As Aiko left Sora’s house, she had almost forgotten all about her mission. It seemed like a distant dream now, like it never happened. Maybe it didn’t happen? Maybe she’d just dreamt it all? She shook her head, deep down she knew that the meeting had occurred. Mokuba Kaiba, the CEO of Kaiba Corp, had asked her to destroy Domino City. She didn’t know how she would do it, but apparently she was the only one who could. If she hadn’t won that tournament she would probably never had gotten in this mess. If she had known she’d been asked to do this because of her becoming the Queen of Games, she’d have lost on purpose. “But it’s all too late for that now, isn’t it Ai?” She said to herself, looking up at the cloudy skies. She’d better hurry home if she didn’t want to become soaked.

 

[ƬЦЯBӨƧƧ]

Nice start 8)! But don't make paragraphs, just make them in to separate sentences. So Aiko has to destroy Domino City, how and why?

[Master Red]

Nice start 8)! But don't make paragraphs' date=' just make them in to separate sentences. So Aiko has to destroy Domino City, how and why?[/color']

thank you for the reply sonic :)

The paragraphs are there to mark the shifting of scenery and or characters/point of views. Well I can't tell you that, that would be ruining the story ;)

[ƬЦЯBӨƧƧ]

K, I'll wait until time 8).

[Kaisu]

WEATHER REPORT

Before you start reading I just want to say that the language in this fan-fic is most likely not perfect since I'm from Sweden' date=' thus not making english my first language. I hope that you will enjoy this fan-fiction anyways though.

If you have any advice on how to improve my writing (or layout) please give them to me. This is my first time writing a fan-fiction so I don't know if this is the "correct way" to write it or not.

I also want warn readers that the main character Aiko will be using some cards featuring yaoi couples.

 

So, I hope you will enjoy this fiction and that you'll leave a comment or two after reading it.

[b']Yeah um, I couldn't care less...[/b]

[spoiler=The Aiko Chronicles: Prologue]

“If Domino stands, it will fall into darkness” the man said sounding disturbingly serious. “B-But..” Aiko stammered. How could it be? She had to destroy her home town? The city that she loved? “I don’t understand” she managed to squeeze out between her thoughts of however she had gotten herself into all this. “You don’t have to understand miss Darling, you just have to do it.” The man said, scanning the pale girl up and down. She sure didn’t look like it , but this was in fact one of the top duelists in Domino City.

This is a pretty good start...

He shook his head a bit in amazement that this girl was actually the person to lead this mission. How old was she? Seventeen? He took in her appearance again. Her looks reminded him of the young Mai Valentine, dressed in a dark blue dress with even darker blue details on it, and the long and wavy blonde hair. He wondered if this could actually be the daughter of Mai Valentine, but her last name didn’t support this theory. Although, even the names were similar, Valentine and Darling. He smiled at the thought of this and was considering asking if her mother was in fact Mai. Darling could be the name of her husbandt that she’d taken. However, he restrained himself from doing that, since he thought it would be a bit inappropriate.

Again good...

Aiko swallowed and looked at the man and gave him a short nod. “I’ll do it, you know I will.. Mr. Kaiba” She gave a short bow to the man and walked away. “We’ll contact you when we have further information” the man said just before she left the room. She gave him a quick look and stepped out of the office.

The doors closed automatically and she gave a loud sigh and leaned to the wall next to the door. She looked at the name on the door “Mokuba Kaiba, CEO” she read and once again let out a sigh, this one however, was barely audiable. “Whatever you say” she mumbled and walked down the corridor, her steps feeling heavy and the corridor longer than ever. She gazed out the windows at the city, with its majestic buildings towering into the sky and the rushing traffic down on the streets. The city had never seemed so alive before.

So the city's all peppy while the main character's down?

Mokuba Kaiba sat down in his chair again, looking blankly out in the space in front of him. It hadn’t been too long ago that his brother had disappeared and he had been forced to take over the company. More than anything he wanted to search for his brother, but he was stuck here in this dark office to answer phone calls instead. His managers had told him that the police did everything they could in order to find out what had happened to his brother, but in his heart he knew that they couldn’t help. His brother had always been working on various machines and gadgets to enhance the experience of playing the duel monsters game. A couple of weeks before his dissappearance, Mokuba knew that he had been working on a new project. He didn’t know what it was or where it had been located though. “Mr. Kaiba san.” The voice of one of his managers pulled him out of his thoughts. He pressed a button on the small machine that the voice had been comeing from. “Yes, Hatake?” Mokuba answered, trying not to sound tired and bored. “We need you to come to the conference room immideatly”

So they call him, but his voice is spelt wrong?

Hatake said, “it’s about the mission” he added quickly, talking with a lower voice. Mokuba sighed, “I‘m on my way” he answered shortly and shut of the answering machine. He smiled, even though he was the boss of the company, it seemed Hatake was the one ordering him around. He felt as if he’d wanted to run away rather than go to that meeting and he couldn’t avoid wondering if his brother had felt the same way. Even though he was a grown man now, in his thirties, he felt as if keeping this company going was too much for him. It had always been his brother who had taken care of these things, and now he had started to realize how hard and stressful it actually was. He looked himself in a mirror hanging on the wall beside him and took in the image looking back at him. The long hair had been cut of long ago to leave a more “adult” hairstyle, short and combed back, making him look “important”, the black suit he was aquired to wear reinforced this look.

The look disturbed him, but it wasn’t the hair, nor the clothes that bothered him the most. No, it was his eyes. They looked very tired and he thought they made him look old.

He stood up again from his chair, got his suitcase, and made his way towards the conference room.

Still good.

The sudden tune of her cellphone made Aiko jump a little in chock. She had been completely buried in her own thoughts and the familiar tune of her cell one had abruptly dragged her out of them. She fumbled with her purse for a while before she managed to get a hold of the small metallic phone that deteminitly kept on ringing.

“Yes, hello?” she answered, guessing she sounded as if she’d just woke up.

“Aiko!” a familiar voice on the other end said, “I’m sorry did I wake you?”

“No, no.. I just had a hard time finding the phone in the purse, that’s all. Don’t worry about it Sora”

“Oh.. okay” Sora, said sounding relieved. “I have been trying to reach you for a while now without success, what have you been doing all this time?”

Aiko smiled a little, sometimes Sora sounded like her mom, but she chose not to say so since she knew this would only make her angry. “Oh, nothing really. I’ve been checking out some things about this tournament that is due in a couple of days, as the queen of games they probably expect me to show, so I just looked into it.”

“Oh, but that was exactly what I was wanting to talk to you about!” Sora said happily, bouncing a little on her bed in excitement. “I’ve decided to run this time too, but I need your help to complete my deck.”

“That’s wonderful Sora!” Aiko couldn’t help but smile, she had been trying to get Sora to enter a tournament for a long time, but she had always refused, saying that her Deck was no good and that she wasn’t ready. Aiko knew that these where just excuses for her being afraid of making a fool of herself in public. Something that probably wouldn’t happen since she was a terrific duelist, and always had been. Heck! She was probably even better than Aiko if she would just relax!

“Aiko? You there?” Sora asked nervously after a while since it had been awefully quiet in the other end of the phone for a while.

“Yes, sorry, I must have drifted off in my own thoughts. I’ll come by your house right away so I can help you!” Aiko answered and quickly ran across the street, defying the fact that there was a red light telling her not to. Annoyed motorists honked ther horns to show their discontent with her action.

First time you 'collide' with the city. Not so good.

“Great! See you soon” Sora hanged up the phone and looked down on the floor. It was filled with cards, explaining the fact to why she was sitting on her bed. She smiled and played a little with a streak of her red hair while she waited excitedly for Aiko to come by.

 

The Deck was almost finished now, just a few cards needed to be added, but she couldn’t figure out which ones. She needed to pick out every card for the deck very carefully, making even one misstake could cost her, so she had called Aiko for an expert point of view. Ssnake makess a Misstake!She knew that she was a good duelist, but her fear of the stage and perfectionism had made it impossible for her to enter before. This time however, would be different. She had confident in her deck now and with Aiko's help, she knew she’d be able to make a stand in the tournament.

She laid down on the bed and looked up towards the ceiling. A poster of the legendary duelist Yugi Muto was placed directly above the bed and she reached out her hand trying to touch it. Someday, she would too become a great name in the dueling world, someday she would too have posters. “someday” she mumbled and smiled.

 

OVERVEIW

First of all, you're mixing blobs(Sora) with people(Aiko, Mokuba). Your english isn't perfect, and you lack background. It's all just in the character's own little worlds, making the rest of the world black and white. Despite all that, it's off to a good start. I'll be reading this again.

Now if the rest come in, they can point out any mistakes I missed out

[Master Red]

what is a blob? I guess you might be talking about that kingdom hearts character but Sora is the japanese word for sky which I found fitting her.

I know that my english isn't perfect, like it said in the beginning of the text: english is not my first language. Of course there will be misstakes.

I will try to put in more background in the first chapter, but for the prologue I thought it was better to just let the reader focus more on the characters.

 

Thanks for your reply though and I hope that you will continue reading the story ^^

 

Also I'm currently working on chapter one

[Kaisu]

English is my second language too, you know.

Well anyway, you're off to a good start.

And 'blob' is a term 'we' use for 'undiscribed appearanceless character'. UAC.

[Master Red]

oh, okay I see ^^

Sora will most likely stop being a so called blob in the next chapter anyways ^^'

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

But don't make paragraphs

That's some of the worst advice I've ever heard, up there with "don't write original-fic slash" and "use script format."

 

@Magister Ruber: You remind me of Alordzynix... That said, I expect great things from you. This is more promising than you know... Perhaps this is linked to the construction of Neo Domino City?

 

I'll submit a character/Deck in contests soon if there's no entry fee.

[ƬЦЯBӨƧƧ]

But don't make paragraphs

That's some of the worst advice I've ever heard' date=' up there with "don't write original-fic slash" and "use script format."

 

[/quote']

I know! But next time you could of just said it in a nice way!

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

But don't make paragraphs

That's some of the worst advice I've ever heard' date=' up there with "don't write original-fic slash" and "use script format."

 

[/quote']

I know! But next time you could of just said it in a nice way!

The message is the same no matter what I say. Also, that's "could have."

[Master Red]

But don't make paragraphs

That's some of the worst advice I've ever heard' date=' up there with "don't write original-fic slash" and "use script format."

 

@Magister Ruber: You remind me of Alordzynix... That said, I expect great things from you. This is more promising than you know... Perhaps this is linked to the construction of Neo Domino City?

 

I'll submit a character/Deck in contests soon if there's no entry fee.

[/quote']

 

I guess you meant me with magister ruber..? In that case, thank you for your kind words (starting to feel preassure <.<). And you have made the correct link here, I am telling the story behind the destruction of domino and the construction of Neo Domino :)

[Weather Report - Stand]

Well, hello sir, I'm here to create a Weather Report about your story. I'll excuse your language but anything else is up for grabs here.

Before you start reading I just want to say that the language in this fan-fic is most likely not perfect since I'm from Sweden' date=' thus not making english my first language. I hope that you will enjoy this fan-fiction anyways though.

If you have any advice on how to improve my writing (or layout) please give them to me. This is my first time writing a fan-fiction so I don't know if this is the "correct way" to write it or not.

I also want warn readers that there will be a bit of Yaoi in this fan-fic

 

So, I hope you will enjoy this fiction and that you'll leave a comment or two after reading it.

 

[spoiler=The Aiko Chronicles: Prologue']

“If Domino stands, it will fall into darkness” the man said sounding disturbingly serious. “B-But..” Aiko stammered. How could it be? She had to destroy her home town? The city that she loved? “I don’t understand” she managed to squeeze out between her thoughts of however she had gotten herself into all this. “You don’t have to understand miss Darling, you just have to do it.” The man said, scanning the pale girl up and down. She sure didn’t look like it , but this was in fact one of the top duelists in Domino City.

The first thing that hit me was the fact that you have HUGE text blocks here. Big, fat clumps of text that look scary to read and discourage some readers. You need to press 'Enter' whenever a new guy speaks. And at the end of sentences, always use punctuation~.

Well, I wouldn't understand how I got into this mess either, so I can relate to Aiko. Well, she SHOULD since she's in the story, right? So... well, I guess that since the only thing you told us is that Aiko's a pale girl, she's apparently not wearing clothes, nor does she have eyes, ears, a nose, a mouth, hair, a neck, hands, feet or any OTHER significant features. Like a blob. She's a blob now.

He shook his head a bit in amazement that this girl was actually the person to lead this mission. How old was she? Seventeen? He took in her appearance again. Her looks reminded him of the young Mai Valentine, dressed in a dark blue dress with even darker blue details on it, and the long and wavy blonde hair. He wondered if this could actually be the daughter of Mai Valentine, but her last name didn’t support this theory. Although, even the names were similar, Valentine and Darling. He smiled at the thought of this and was considering asking if her mother was in fact Mai. Darling could be the name of her husbandt that she’d taken. However, he restrained himself from doing that, since he thought it would be a bit inappropriate.

What mission? The girl/blob doesn't know, so I guess I'm not allowed to, either. How does she get put in charge if she doesn't get it, either?

Well, at least now we know that the blob is wearing clothes, which is a BIG relief for me, since having to read a naked blob story is uncomfortable to say the least. I'd ask 'WHAT KINDA LAST NAME IS DARLING' but when compared to 'Valentine', it's normal.

Aiko swallowed and looked at the man and gave him a short nod. “I’ll do it, you know I will.. Mr. Kaiba” She gave a short bow to the man and walked away. “We’ll contact you when we have further information” the man said just before she left the room. She gave him a quick look and stepped out of the office.

Just some more grammatical errors in here. Well, if he's Kaiba, then why doesn't he act like it? Or is he MOKUBA Kaiba? That aside, it's a paragraph.

The doors closed automatically and she gave a loud sigh and leaned to the wall next to the door. She looked at the name on the door “Mokuba Kaiba, CEO” she read and once again let out a sigh, this one however, was barely audiable. “Whatever you say” she mumbled and walked down the corridor, her steps feeling heavy and the corridor longer than ever. She gazed out the windows at the city, with its majestic buildings towering into the sky and the rushing traffic down on the streets. The city had never seemed so alive before.

OH, SO IT IS MOKUBA!! YAY! Well, at least you told us. What's he the CEO of? Kaiba Corp? Did Kaiba die? Or... DID MOKUBA PUSH HIM DOWN THE STAIRS TO HIS DEATH?! Boy, I remember when I was pushed down tthe stairs that one time and died, leaving my estate to the traitor--wait, that never happened.

Well, there's more bad grammar here and there. But you have okay description here.

 

Mokuba Kaiba sat down in his chair again, looking blankly out in the space in front of him. It hadn’t been too long ago that his brother had disappeared and he had been forced to take over the company. More than anything he wanted to search for his brother, but he was stuck here in this dark office to answer phone calls instead.

Stuff break! Well, we know he didn't fall down some stairs, but disappearing is kinda a hard way to do it. It makes me feel like you were lazy, even if you has a PLAN!!

His managers had told him that the police did everything they could in order to find out what had happened to his brother, but in his heart he knew that they couldn’t help. His brother had always been working on various machines and gadgets to enhance the experience of playing the duel monsters game. A couple of weeks before his dissappearance, Mokuba knew that he had been working on a new project. He didn’t know what it was or where it had been located though.

Stuff break! So my guess is that... he was eaten by a video game. AM I RIGHT? There's some more bad grammar here and there, concerning punctuation. That's no good.

“Mr. Kaiba san.” The voice of one of his managers pulled him out of his thoughts. He pressed a button on the small machine that the voice had been comeing from. “Yes, Hatake?” Mokuba answered, trying not to sound tired and bored. “We need you to come to the conference room immideatly” Hatake said, “it’s about the mission” he added quickly, talking with a lower voice. Mokuba sighed, “I‘m on my way” he answered shortly and shut of the answering machine.

Stuff break! Bad spelling and grammar runs rampant here! Oh well!

He smiled, even though he was the boss of the company, it seemed Hatake was the one ordering him around. He felt as if he’d wanted to run away rather than go to that meeting and he couldn’t avoid wondering if his brother had felt the same way. Even though he was a grown man now, in his thirties, he felt as if keeping this company going was too much for him. It had always been his brother who had taken care of these things, and now he had started to realize how hard and stressful it actually was.

Stuff break! Well I like how you gave him a good personality. You get an A+-+.

He looked himself in a mirror hanging on the wall beside him and took in the image looking back at him. The long hair had been cut of long ago to leave a more “adult” hairstyle, short and combed back, making him look “important”, the black suit he was aquired to wear reinforced this look.

Heh, he's an adult now. Heh.

The look disturbed him, but it wasn’t the hair, nor the clothes that bothered him the most. No, it was his eyes. They looked very tired and he thought they made him look old.

He stood up again from his chair, got his suitcase, and made his way towards the conference room.

Well now he's been injected with Personality Juice. Way to go! Now if only Aiko got an injection soon...

 

The sudden tune of her cellphone made Aiko jump a little in chock. She had been completely buried in her own thoughts and the familiar tune of her cell one had abruptly dragged her out of them. She fumbled with her purse for a while before she managed to get a hold of the small metallic phone that deteminitly kept on ringing.

That helps.

“Yes, hello?” she answered, guessing she sounded as if she’d just woke up.

“Aiko!” a familiar voice on the other end said, “I’m sorry did I wake you?”

“No, no.. I just had a hard time finding the phone in the purse, that’s all. Don’t worry about it Sora”

Well, at least you did the right thing with talkers and their paragraphs, but your grammar here is just as bad as most people here are with THEIR grammar. Work on it.

“Oh.. okay” Sora, said sounding relieved. “I have been trying to reach you for a while now without success, what have you been doing all this time?”

Aiko smiled a little, sometimes Sora sounded like her mom, but she chose not to say so since she knew this would only make her angry. “Oh, nothing really. I’ve been checking out some things about this tournament that is due in a couple of days, as the queen of games they probably expect me to show, so I just looked into it.”

What does Sora look like? And was the drama thing at the begining about a tourney? A tourney where the town falls over when she wins? Bleh.

“Oh, but that was exactly what I was wanting to talk to you about!” Sora said happily, bouncing a little on her bed in excitement. “I’ve decided to run this time too, but I need your help to complete my deck.”

“That’s wonderful Sora!” Aiko couldn’t help but smile, she had been trying to get Sora to enter a tournament for a long time, but she had always refused, saying that her Deck was no good and that she wasn’t ready. Aiko knew that these where just excuses for her being afraid of making a fool of herself in public. Something that probably wouldn’t happen since she was a terrific duelist, and always had been. Heck! She was probably even better than Aiko if she would just relax!

“Aiko? You there?” Sora asked nervously after a while since it had been awefully quiet in the other end of the phone for a while.

So far I don't like Sora. She's hyper and incredibly, irritatingly shy. I hate people like that.

“Yes, sorry, I must have drifted off in my own thoughts. I’ll come by your house right away so I can help you!” Aiko answered and quickly ran across the street, defying the fact that there was a red light telling her not to. Annoyed motorists honked ther horns to show their discontent with her action.

This paragraph's okay.

“Great! See you soon” Sora hanged up the phone and looked down on the floor. It was filled with cards, explaining the fact to why she was sitting on her bed. She smiled and played a little with a streak of her red hair while she waited excitedly for Aiko to come by.

ARGH! THE GRAMMAR. And how do you have so many cards to choose from that they cover the entire floor of your bedroom(if it's not super-small)? Couldn't you put the non-sucky ones into a bucket or something?

 

The Deck was almost finished now, just a few cards needed to be added, but she couldn’t figure out which ones. She needed to pick out every card for the deck very carefully, making even one misstake could cost her, so she had called Aiko for an expert point of view. She knew that she was a good duelist, but her fear of the stage and perfectionism had made it impossible for her to enter before. This time however, would be different. She had confident in her deck now and with Aikos help, she knew she’d be able to make a stand in the tournament.

Very minimal errors here. But how hard is it to choose some Traps or Spells? I really hate perfectionists since they're so annoying.

She laid down on the bed and looked up towards the ceiling. A poster of the legendary duelist Yugi Muto was placed directly above the bed and she reached out her hand trying to touch it. Someday, she would too become a great name in the dueling world, someday she would too have posters. “someday” she mumbled and smiled.

 

Well this is awesome for a first fan-fic, but it's only okay for any other fan-fic. We don't really get to peek at any personalities(besides Mokuba), and the girl character's really annoying. So I don't like the guys in this story. And if Aiko needs to destroy the town in a tournament, wouldn't she try to do something about it? It's like she forgets about it right after she's told.

 

Besides this, there are several spelling errors and grammar problems here.

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

But don't make paragraphs

That's some of the worst advice I've ever heard' date=' up there with "don't write original-fic slash" and "use script format."

 

@Magister Ruber: You remind me of Alordzynix... That said, I expect great things from you. This is more promising than you know... Perhaps this is linked to the construction of Neo Domino City?

 

I'll submit a character/Deck in contests soon if there's no entry fee.

[/quote']

 

I guess you meant me with magister ruber..? In that case, thank you for your kind words (starting to feel preassure <.<). And you have made the correct link here, I am telling the story behind the destruction of domino and the construction of Neo Domino :)

Yes; magister ruber is latin for red master.

 

You should feel the pressure; Weather Report and I are among the most critical reviewers in the area. WR focuses more on reader comprehension, while I deconstruct the overall plot more.

[Master Red]

oh so that's what that name was <.<

 

Well I appreciate your review Weather Report! And I know that Aiko is lacking personality right now (then again, what pretty girl doesn't these days j/k).

I'm trying to get the grammar as good as possible and all the things that are still unexplained will be uncovered bit by bit as the story goes. (I can tell you now that Soras looks will be presented in the first chapter, I just didn't want to force it you know ;))

 

also, you havn't thought about the fact that Sora is a poor deck builder, unable to sort the sucky cards from the good? or that she has used up all her good cards and are stuck with a lot of crappy ones?

 

How the city will be destroyed will be unveiled soon, but I can tell you that it is not through the tournament. That would be very.. meh.

I get the feeling that you are one of those guys that don't like the story unraveling itself slowly WR ;)

it's too bad if you feel that way since I wanted to use that kind of writing, unraveling everything (characters, plot, plot-twists etc.) bit by bit, throwing in some un expected twists here and there (like the fact about it being mokuba kaiba and why it wasn't seto running the company).

the story will also use the strategy of telling Aikos story then jumping to mokubas story (if they aren't in the same place of course).

 

I hope that explained my way of writing to you, so you are prepared ;)

[Master Red]

Chapter one added!

Kapitel ett uppe! <- Swedish (Y)

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

a) Double space between paragraphs.

b) Whenever there's a new speaker, start a new paragraph.

[Master Red]

a) Double space between paragraphs.

b) Whenever there's a new speaker' date=' start a new paragraph.

[/quote']

 

Havn't I been doing this?

I don't seem to find the problems though, as far as I can see on the new chapter I have been making new paragraphs for new speakers and such...

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

No; you're single spacing. This is a correction for the first bit.

“I hope this is important,” Mokuba said as he sat down at the very end of the single table in the conference room. The conference room was very small compared to most other rooms in the building and it was very dark, lacking both windows and decent lighting.

“We have made some progressions with the translations, Mr. Kaiba,” one of the managers on the other end of the table said. “We have discovered that the prophecy is speaking of some kind of core or heart of the city, which, if not destroyed in time, will be covered in darkness and devour the city...

"...and later on, the whole world.”

The man silenced, looking nervously over at Mokuba. “There’s a problem, though,” the man continued.

“Here it comes,” Mokuba thought to himself at his words.

“The prophecy doesn’t mention the whereabouts of this heart, neither gives any clues of an other document that does…” The man swallowed and fell silent.

“We need to know how to find it and how much time we have.” Mokuba said, rising from the table.

“Yes of course, Mr. Kaiba, sir. We’ll get right back to Trans-”

“And don’t call me back here again unless you’ve discovered the whereabouts of this ’heart of domino’!” With those words, Mokuba stormed out of the conference room and continued a long way down the corridor before he stopped.

I also corrected punctuation and the spacing for dramatic effect. I didn't, however, change word choice. That could improve in some areas.

Come up with some synonyms for "said," et cetera. English is among the most precise languages ever invented; take advantage of that precision.

[Master Red]

That could improve in some areas.

Come up with some synonyms for "said' date='" et cetera. English is among the most precise languages ever invented; take advantage of that precision.

[/quote']

Yeah, I've been lazy with that (summer vaccation and all? xD), the main reason to why I preffer reading & writing in english instead of swedish is that the english language ahs more synonyms and is a more word rich language. I'll try to remember that for the next chapter (I havn't started with that yet OMG :O).. oh well, will probably start tomorrow or something.