| The Quest | Renovations Cancelled |

[Weather Report - Stand]

Okay, Kaikae. You've asked me twice to review this, and so, I'll do it. I've hated this type of story (medieval magic battle!!) ever since my friends FORCED me to read the first two books of the Eragon series or whatever. So I'm going to go through with this long chapter and tell you what to fix. Ugh, I'm not looking forward to this. Blame my friends for this, you're fine.

[spoiler=Chapter Two=Two Fall' date= Two Rise]Shadex was perched atop a cliff, watching the fighting below. 3 Aragath years ago, he had felt it, a strange feeling of doom. He knew that others would have felt hope, but he was infused with darkness, something irreversible, he felt the opposite. That had made the fighting in Arynus much more intense than it had before, and everyone waited for the day their hero came and destroyed his demons forever.

Brown. The color of my personal despair. Well, Shadex is a typical evil name(shade, yo!), and I can’t get a good understanding of the area. A cliff above a battle... but then again, I didn’t read the first chapter, so I don’t know what I’m missing. What’s an Aragath year? A year in Aragath? It COULD just be ‘years’, but I don’t know how slowly this place revolves around the sun.

 

Little did they know that Tyrul was home to a group of weak mortals, not a great band of fighters, leaders and whatnot. Shadex had taken off some of the items, and now he only wielded the mask, armor and sword. He jumped off the cliff, landing on the ground below. He slashed the sword into the air, and a fresh wave of darkness came out, killing several Crexilon. They may have come from Dorhenyr, but he had turned that into a wasteland several millennia ago.

Why did he take off the items(I missed something, obviously)? And where EXACTLY does he land? Did he land next to a few fresh corpses, a pond? A blade of grass... OR PAIN?! How did they react (the bad guys) to his arrival?

 

He continued walking, and no-one dared to try and fight him. He reached a village, and he sent waves of darkness towards it, the black waves destroying the whole village. A large amount of Crexilon scurried away, injured. He felt something strange. A slight twinge of doom. He spun around, and he saw it. There was a Hilynum coming towards him, something shining in his hand. Hilynum were savage beings, looking rather like werewolves, they killed anyone who was in their way. Like most, this one had several scars, mostly coming from his family and friends.

So was he here to end the battle or to kill everybody? I’m sorry, but I don’t have the ability to pay attention here. My head’s not feeling too good(after I started reading this), all because Josh forced me to read a story I didn’t like. Really, my head’s heating up.

 

Well how do you feel a twinge of doom? And what kind of wild, deranged, evil wolf friend would scar his buddy? Oops, I just answered myself.

 

 

He was confident; whatever was shining in his hand gave him power. He raised his hand and a ball of light came down to him, and he threw it at Shadex. Shadex out his arms out to the sides, knowing his armor could take the hit. Sure enough, it did. The ball sank into his armor, and then it was shot back at the Hilynum. As the Hilynum braced himself, Shadex used the time to rear up for a charge. The ball exploded, making a blinding flash.

Shadex ran towards him, sword at the ready. The sword was blocked however, and Shadex saw that he had blocked it with his own hand. Shadex looked again, and saw there was a gold-trimmed white gauntlet on his hand, which he recognized as an Item of the Light. Knowing he could easily overpower him, Shadex swiped at him with his sword, which he blocked again with the Item. As he did this, Shadex thrust his hand up, and he wrapped his fingers against the Hilynum’s throat, strangling him.

I didn’t know he had a shiny in his hand. But we DID meet him in the last paragraph, right? Crapcrapcrap, I’m overly filled with rage right now because of my terrible descision to be forced to read a book! That’s the last time I do that. Or not... But look at me! I thought that SHADEX was the one with the evil sphere of glow! And why else would I type the wolf buddy thing?

 

The Hilynum’s fingers ceased, and the sword was released. He stayed there, dark streams steadily flowing towards his head. The streams sank into his brain, and the Hilynum stopped dead, with a look of terror on his face. His arms and legs fell, leaving him dangling in the air, held by Shadex. He let go of the Hilynum, and muttered something. Immediately, the gauntlet flew up towards him. He couldn’t touch it, not without his own match.

Okay, nice description here... I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to resort to just describing your mistakes and stuff. I’m really suffering from a headache here. F*ck you, Chris Paolini or whatever.

 

He let it hover before him, and he walked away from the village, now left to collapse on itself. He seemed to disappear suddenly, and everyone around knew what his appearance had bring. He now held another Item, and their world would be in the clutches of the Final Realm much sooner than they had ever thought…

You should have said collapse upon itself.

 

In the center of the Final Realm, now called Aragath by the few who inhabited it, Shadex was examining the Item he had brought back. He had his own gauntlet on, and with it, he could touch the gauntlet freely without feeling the side effects.

He decided to merge his power. He force the gauntlet onto his hand, and though resisting a lot and letting out bright flashes, once it was on, it settled. Shadex grinned. He grinned a mischievous, evil grin. He was now much more powerful, with limited powers over Light as well.

You need more dialogue, you’ve barely said anything so far.

 

He saw a portal open behind him, and he spun around, to see a lady walking through. She was not ordinary; she had a ring which was definitely an Item. He had lost the item in Nowhere, a mistake he regretted. The ring was the weakest Item, but it quickly adapted to someone. Once it did, it could be used to be just as powerful as the Final Item. “Shadex…” She said cruelly, and three black claws appeared on her hand. Shadex merely laughed.

Where’d the lady come from?

 

“I hold five items, and you challenge me with only one?” He laughed. “I will crush you…” He said menacingly. He picked up his sword, but to his surprise, it wasn’t there. The lady jumped into the air and slashed down, now with the sword. Shadex grabbed the blade with both his hands, slowly pushing it towards his opponent.

There should be a grunt or two, from the swinging to make it more realistic.

 

“I am the Huntress! You will die!” The lady screamed, slashing at him with her claws. She narrowly missed, and Shadex used this opportunity to punch her, and she fell to the floor at once, streams of darkness slowly devouring her.

I wouldn’t scream my name at my enemies, but that’s just me.

 

“If you think you will kill me, you are sadly mistaken. Now, sit back and relax as darkness sends you into its void…” Shadex laughed. He picked up the sword and pointed it at her back.

That sounds weird.

 

“Not… Today…” The Huntress wheezed, and the darkness slid off her, and she pointed the sword away from her, and summoned a demon to keep Shadex busy while she got up. Shadex killed the demon in one swipe of his sword, and he turned to the Huntress.

What kind of demon? How did it react to death?

 

“You can’t win against me… We both know that…” Shadex said, and the sword slowly changed into an axe, with red streams and encrusted with rubies. He slashed the axe, each one leaving a black line in the air. Shadex might have had more power, but the Huntress was much more agile. He chased after her, leaving countless black lines in the small area. He held out a hand and pointed it at the Huntress, and the lines turned and sped towards her like arrows. As the first one hit, she was sent plummeting into the wall, and the line kept her stuck to it. More lines came over her until they completely covered by them. He held the axe up in the air, and it turned back into a sword, which he pointed at the lines, which slowly faded, along with the Huntress. As he did this, the lines started exploding, sending small pieces of darkness all around the room.

Each one of what? Can you describe the line like something else, like a sliver of darkness? Why did this fight start? I can’t remember. She came out or something and attacked the man. I can’t pay attention...

 

“I will not go down… we both know that…” the Huntress said grimly, and claws reappeared on her hands. She walked up to Shadex, who now had a voice echoing in hi head.

Typo.

 

“Dorhenyr is almost in destruction range… Ten ganeseh pending….” The voice repeated, and Shadex smiled. As always, he smiled twisted smile, not one with any sense of happiness, an evil, horrific smile. He stepped back into the shadows and disappeared. The Huntress, knowing what he had done, ran into the shadows as well, putting her fingers in a portal. She slowly wrenched it apart, and she stepped into it herself.

How did the portal get here? As she put her fingers together, she ripped open space?

 

Shadex was now on a void in Aragath, watching Dorhenyr slowly heading to its final demise. Demons swarmed out of one of the black holes, pushing the realm’s boundaries towards a black hole, but it remained in one place as there was more than one group, all trying to push it in a different direction. The Huntress was watching from the shadows behind him, horrified. She had grown up in this realm… all her memories… she ran out of her hiding place, angrily swiping at Shadex, who effortlessly dodged all of her attacks. He grabbed her arm and threw her out, sending her into a black hole.

Wow, a black hole. A big, light-eating hole is shooting out random demons. That’s the opposite of what they really do.

 

Blaid had a horrid feeling in his gut. He looked around him, seeing his family and other Crexilon getting weaker, the life in their eyes disappearing. He looked at Feiz, who was struggling as well. Several sorcerers were trying to counter the effects of the final realm, but the void was too large for them. He gripped his sister firmer than before, and to his horror, she was slumped in his arms, cold. He turned her head to look at her, and there was nothing in her eyes. Nothing but a strange, turquoise orb in her head. Her wings were also slumped, difficult to stay alive.

Where’d Blaid coem from? What exactly is a Crexilon? Why didn’t I read the first chapter? Just don’t answer any questions I’ve asked in this entire review if they were answered in chapter 1. Or if I just read this wrong and asked someting stupid after I just read the answer.

 

“Stay alive…” He murmured, his eyes glowing a strange blue. Not the kind and happy blue it usually was, but a sad and dark blue. Several other Crexilon’s bodies were slumped, meaning they were nearing their end. The light faded, and swarms of demons came over the world. Most people accepted their death and lied down on the ground, while some readied their claws for battle. A group of them flew into the air, furiously swiping at the incoming demons. More Crexilon fell, and the remaining ones continued fighting, not giving up. Blaid still had his sister in his arm, and he was swiping at the demons, and he realized something. James… James… JAMES! He thought suddenly, and on the other side of the dimension, in Tyrul, a baby woke up, startled and crying.

How did we skip from this battle to this? You also put an apostraphe in here. And laid, not lied. What kinds of demons are there? Did Blaid have a blade to swipe?

 

“What is now?” Sophie shouted over her son’s racket. She was an elegant figure, dressed in white pants and a pink top, and had her blonde hair tied up ponytail. She walked out of the kitchen into the living room, and held James in her arms. Graham soon came in as well, smiling. He still had the same crisp haircut from a year ago, when he had met with Blaid and Feiz.

I thought that in the middle ages, women didn’t wear pants, just dresses. I’ve never seen a picture of a lady dressed like this.

 

“What happened?” He asked, looking adoringly at his only son. He had a grim thought that it might have something to do with… Shadex. He may not know who he was, but he knew to fear him at the way even Blaid, a merciless fighter, shuddered at the thought of him.

 

“B-b-bla-blah.” James spluttered, spitting as he did this. “BLADE!” He suddenly screamed, and Graham knew one thing. His son wasn’t talking about a blade, but about Blaid.

Dumb stuttering is dumb. But it’s a baby, so... but how did he just suddenly scream this? It’s so... dramatic.

 

“His… first word?” Sophie asked confused, wondering why her son had suddenly said ‘blade’. James seemed to zone out for a moment, and he reached out into the air, seeing Blaid in front of him. Blaid was reaching out, trying to hold onto James long enough to make a stable bridge.

 

“Shadex must go. Shadex must go. Shadex must go.” He repeated, but soon, the connection was terminated. James returned to his home, surprised by the sudden change of surroundings. He looked around round-eyed, his jaw slack.

 

“Shadix mustard gu” He blubbered, and Graham was horrified.

That looks funny.

 

“Hun, I’ve gotta attend to... some important business…” He said hastily, and he thought hard. Blaid… Blaid.. .Blaid, can you hear me? Reach out to me… Reach out to me… Reach out me… Soon he found himself in a dark void, Blaid on the far side. “Blaid!” He shouted, and he ran towards him, but found the ground under him collapsing. Blaid held onto him, hauling him up towards Dorhenyr.

Gosh, I can’t think right now. I can barely even read this anymore. I’m sorry, the hatred is too strong for my feelbe head. Either that or it’s the crushing boreodm I was faced with back then for weeks on end. I can’t read this paragraph.

 

“Save us will you?” Blaid asked hurriedly, fleeing with several other Crexilon. He had his sister in one arm and Graham in the other. The demons had started to devour the world, sinking into the ground and turning it into a part of a void. “We need something bright… Something really bright…” Blaid said, still fleeing. His eyes were now glowing the same sad blue as before, now mixed with horror, anger and fear.

 

“A portal!” One of the other sorcerers shouted, and they gathered in a circle, channeling all their energy into the planet. A shining something appeared in the middle of the ring and it changed to a gleaming sword, white and gold. Feiz crashed into the ring, sending them sprawling on the ground. He picked up the sword, slashing in the air, and large cuts of light burned through the demons, destroying parts of the void, replacing it with nothing.

SH*T, I REALLY CAN’T PAY ATTENTION ANYMORE. I’m really sorry, but this review has to be cut short. My eye’s really hurting and my head’s pounding. I can’t read this any more. Forgive me.

 

“Destroy all the demons and send us away from this place!” Feiz cried, and the sword started gleaming, blinding shockwaves erupting from it, spreading throughout the realm. The demons instantly disappeared, and the fallen Crexilon woke up, still weak but hope full. The realm was spinning around, and soon everything disappeared.

 

Then it reappeared, and two large planets could be seen, one with rings around it. Blaid’s sister wriggled in his arm, and he let her down. Her platinum hair was ruffled, and her wing feathers seemed too tired to fly. Her sky blue dress was straightening itself, and she looked around the realm. She gasped when she saw Feiz lying on the ground with sign of life in him.

 

“Wh-What happened?” She asked, but as usual, she said it demandingly, and Blaid couldn’t answer. Feiz’s bright red hair had turned pale, and his flesh was glowing, and the sword that he had used was no longer there. Blaid ran over and held him, and he had a calm smile on his face. Blaid also felt a strange calmness wash over him, but it was uncomfortable. It was a forced calmness, and he was horrified at himself. He stood up, and he saw Graham gasping, his face turning red. Blaid remembered what he had read about.

 

“It is said that Tyrulians need a substance call ‘Oxygen’, something they need to survive. The atmosphere they live in produces it, and no mortal from Tyrul can live without it.” He read. “Oxygen.. They need Oxygen…” Blaid muttered, and he stepped back into the shadows, and disappeared.

 

“You alright now?” Blaid asked Graham as he knocked on an apartment door. He was now taking in large intakes of air, relieved. Sophie came and opened the door, confused why there was an abnormally tall wing person with claws standing there, holding her husband. “Gree-Hello Soapie.” Blaid began, and he stepped into the apartment, hitting his head on the way in. He turned around so quickly and slashed at the door, and it fell onto the floor with a loud thud.

 

“Sophie.” Graham hissed, and he stood up, only to collapse on the sofa.

 

“Ah.. yes… Sophie, I trust my mas- Jemes is alright?” Blaid continued, staring curiously at the humming washing machine.

 

“It’s James.” Sophie said bluntly, taking her coffee of a bench.

 

“CAFFO!” Blaid suddenly yelled, his eyes lighting up with glee. He looked around the room, trying to sniff out the source of the coffee. When he failed, he sighed, and to his relief, he saw James pointing at him, jumping up and down and laughing. Blaid left the apartment, and disappeared.

 

As the Huntress flew back towards the void where Shadex was, she knew what she was going to do. She charged into the room, stunning Shadex and throwing him towards a black hole, stripping him of all his Items. She pushed him back towards the hole, but he managed to summon a few of them to follow him, and they disappeared into the black hole, gone from all existence….

 

In this chapter, Shadex and Feiz fall, but Blaid and the Huntress rise. And yes, Blaid is addicted to coffee.

[Kaisu]

Awww... You missed one of the funny parts.

Bassa/Midnight, expect the chapter to come soon, I'm getting into writing now =D

[Kaisu]

Don't mean to bump, but this thread is gonna go throuhg some renovations, and the current first chapter and the prolouge are going to be merged, and a replacement chapter one will be added.

[Kaisu]

bumpo~

Renovations cancelled, text has been made smaller.

Third chapter will be up within a week.

[bury the year]

May I inquire on why you were even renovating the thread in the first place?

[Kaisu]

Prolouge seemed too short.

[Kaisu]

IS ANYONE GONNA REPLY TO THIS??????????????????????

[Kaisu]

B-U-M-P

Keundo Fish?(Seeing as Weather's not up to the job...)

Anyone?