Rideouter Posted July 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2009 Well to answer your questions i am working on chaging the format to script for all of my chapters while adding and taking stuff away. I will also try to be even more descriptive with the suroundings and people. I decided to have them say "ya" because i though that it would be cool to have a little slang in the story and only mainly Polity will say it, but he will appear in later chapters. Vance's attack "Dry Hippo" is called that becaus most of his attacks are named after animals, but i will change it if you want me to. That was the Hotel Clerk's first day and she is a teenager sooooo her hormones are going wild? I don't know really how to explain it but i will probally change i on my second go around. I am not suppose to tell you the importance of killing nobaly until later haha but it has something to do with Yurai leter in the story. Oh and i will change some of the serious moments into more serious. The funny thing about the dog tags is they don't know if a team has one or not, you will see what i mean in chapter 7. And finally i want to thank you for your comments because now i know that i have work to do and i am not some wussy kid who stops and requesting to lock my thread after someone tells me how that they can fix it. Thank you Kendo Fish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted July 20, 2009 Report Share Posted July 20, 2009 Your welcome, and thanks for being so willing to correct your story instead of just giving up. :3 You can keep the attack name Dry Hippo if you want, but the animal attack theme might have been more clear if he'd used another attack. Change only at your own want-to-change-ness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted July 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2009 Ok thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted July 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2009 Sorry that it is short but tell me what you think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted July 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2009 What do you think? Anybody?Anybody want to criteek? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted July 22, 2009 Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 Though I see improvement in the execution, I can be sure they don't live in Switzengrand, Polity is now an interesting character (along with Hima Himura, but I personally find Polity moreso) and the whole thing has a very anime-esque style, the characters' speech is still in the form of run-on sentences. The paragraphing is odd, too. Here's an example of some of your sentences... "She hits him on the head. “Ha yeah I know him. I used to take care of him back when he got beat up by those street gangs. Oh and by the way my name is Rouba and this place is the only place that I will stay at.” “And why is that?” asked a curious Hima. “Because my husband built it with his bare hands.” Rouba replies as she blushes. “Uh so what? I can do this and 1,000x better too.” Says a cocky Hima as he checks his bandages.“That’s not the point he was a wood demon and an excellent carpenter. He would spend day and night working on this house. That was until he died.” She replied. “Ya but it is still a crappy-ass place.” Says Hima s he is hit on the head by Rouba’s fist. “Ow. I’m sorry.” Says I hurt Hima as he holds his head. “Such a polite young man.” She says smiling." Here's how I would personally change it. Personally. If you want to keep a fast-paced feel you could press enter once between speaking parts and use two of these for major event separation. Once again, personal changes. "Rouba slaps Hima on the head, not taking very kindly to his comment. “Ha! Yeah, I know him. Used to take care of him back when he got beat up by those street gangs. Oh, and by the way, my name is Rouba. And about your snappy comment, I'm not moving from this house if someone tries to force me.” “And why is that?” asked a curious Hima. “Because my husband built it with his bare hands.” She blushes. “Uh, so what? I can do this, and a thousand times better too.” he says, cocky as ever. “That’s not the point. He was a wood demon, and an excellent carpenter. He would work through every day and night on this place. That was until he died.” she replies solemnly. “Yeah, but it's STILL a crappy-ass place.” Rouba bops him on the head with her fist. “Ow! I’m sorry, it's not crappy-ass.” He grips his throbbing head. “Such a polite young man.” Rouba grins." Adding more commas and punctuation makes speech sound more fluid. Or does it? You decide! Also, you have a habit of switching from past-tense to present-tense and back again. When I'm doing present-tense it's a hard habit to break, but it's an important one, too. Use "says" instead of "said", and so on. Also, I noticed you used words like "baron" instead of "barren" and "morter", whiich is a company, instead of "mortar". If there are any words you're not sure about, search for them on Dictionary.net/com/org, or even Google. Lastly, I still found one "Boy: NNNOOO!" which you didn't change to novel format, and you still described him in parentheses, which looks very awkward to me. Keep on squishin'! - Kendo Fish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted July 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2009 Oh haha i didn't catch those until yoyu pointed them out. I will fix them thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 23, 2009 Report Share Posted July 23, 2009 I also found the odd punctuation. That's all I'd say to fix, but then again, that was at a glance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted July 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 Chapter 6 will be up real soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted July 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 Sorry for the wait but I have been busy. I hope you like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted July 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2009 Bump? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hima Klo Posted July 26, 2009 Report Share Posted July 26, 2009 I am not going to lie, Chap 6 was good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted July 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2009 Bump? Can anyone review this? To me this chapter doesn't really make sense but what do you guys think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted August 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2009 Sorry for the long wait but I am recovering from surgury. It should be up next week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted August 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 Sorry for the long delay but, Update! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted August 15, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 15, 2009 Bump! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted August 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted November 22, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2010 Just as an "Eye-Grabber" I will soon be uploading not only Chapter 9 but also remaking the atrocious chapters that were 2, 3, and 4. Haha they will be up REAL soon! And I'm sure you won't be dissapointed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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