Demon King (Chapter 8 is up! Please rate!)

[Rideouter]

Chapter 1: A Story Worth Telling

 

 

A boy is running in the forest. “Man I’m late. I hope he doesn’t rat me out to my father.” The boy says as he runs hastily to an unknown direction. But as he gets closer he notices that there is fire coming from the direction his family manor is. “What the hell?!” He says as he runs closer and closer to the now a blazed manor. When he finally reaches his family manor that is filled with several medium sized houses and one large “castle” esque house that is completely in blaze. People screaming and falling from the flames angers him to the point of confusion. He walks over to one of the hurt people and helps him up from the ground.

 

“Who did this?!” The boy asked sternly. “Your father’s pu-“ “My father what?! His what?!” Hima asked as the man fell back. The boy examined him and noticed that he was shot in the back by a black arrow. He then heard three claps from a distance, he looks up, “Can you please not tell me that you are responsible for this?” The boy asks with confusion on his face.

 

The boy is staring at a shadowed figure that has the body structure of a teenage boy. “Well I could tell you the good news or the bad news. Which do you want first?” The shadowed figure as the boy. “Stop funking with me! How the hell could you turn around and….” The boy pauses and looks down. “Well the good news is that I didn’t rat you out to your good old father, and the good news is I will kill you all anyway so that you don’t have to dream of this anymore. Oh wait that was only good news haha my bad.” The shadowed figure jokingly tells the boy.

 

The boy doesn’t answer. “You’re no fun anymore.” The figure disappointingly tells the boy. He snaps his fingers and two black robed men carry over to him two people dressed in black kimono’s that have there heads covered in bags. “Now please tell me what you think of the performance! Does it suit your needs?!” He snaps his fingers and the robed figures take out daggers and-

 

Boy: NOOO! (The boy wakes up on the ground near a campfire.) Damnit, this is going to be funking with my head till the day I die. Oh well I guess since I’m up I should start walking. (He walks away and while he is walking the campfire goes out.)

 

(The dark skinned teenager is dressed in an oversized blue jacket with a high raised collar. He has over sized blue pants on as well. He is carrying a huge sword on his back)

 

[The next day]

 

The boy is walking into a desert and baron town with broken down one-story buildings.

 

“Man I am tired of walking. Hmmm I don’t see any merchants either. He says as he walks over to several building windows. “How can there be nobody here? This is supposed to Vitense Town.” He continues walking.

 

A light-skinned man in his early 20’s with red hair, one side cut short and the other side wild and unkempt, appears from an alley way and walks in front of the boy wearing a green muscle shirt and black army pants.

 

“A boy from where are you from?” The man asks the boy. “Like I will tell you.” The boy replies. “You look nice and ripe, would you like to come into my house?” The man asks as he checks out the boy and points to a wore down house that was even more worn down than the others. “Hm I didn’t check that one yet but your face screams “rapist” so I will have to decline.” The boy replies as he walks away.

 

“Haha bad choice!” He says as he snaps his fingers and 20 men come out of the houses and the alley ways. “Well you would think that I would have seen them huh?” The boy asks as he looks at them. They are dressed in yellow jackets with fur on the collar and they wear green jean pants. Most of them are baled and if they are not baled they have low cut hair. “Haha kids are always fun to me. You see I am leader of the Blue Swords Gang, Polity, and we don’t like kids who talk b-“ Polity says before he notices that the boy is walking past him.

 

“That’s it, kill that damn kid!” Polity orders as two of his men charge at the boy. “Why do you have such low level demons in your clique?” The boy asks as he jumps up and kicks them both in the head, sending them back a few feet. “The hell?! You weaklings, how could you get beaten by a kid?!” Polity angrily asks his remaining men.

 

The boy sighs, “It seems your men are as stupid as you are, my name is Hima Himura. That will be the last name that you will hear before you all die.” The boy says as he gets in a battle stance. “HAAAAA funny how a boy can try to scare down a man!” Polity screams as he charges at Hima. “Fine I think I’ll give you roses for your funeral” Hima says as he catches Polity’s punch that was aimed at his head. “You done Poshity? Oh well I guess it is my turn.” He says as he attempts to kick Polity in the head. HAAA your out of you league kid!” Polity screams as he catches his kick and punches him in the head, sending him to the ground. “I can tell that you are a seasoned fighter. Are you a blessed demon by chance?” Hima asks as he gets up. “Finally you realized it; I am a blessed demon of acidic deterioration!” Polity replies as he picks up a rock from the ground. “Oh so you melt things…..that’s stupid.” He says as he takes his hands out of his pockets.

 

“It seems that I have to use my flames to battle you then.” He says as he forms red fire on his hands. He places his hands behind him and shoots the flames backwards which make him disappear. “Haha you still don’t believe the fact that my acid can and will kill you.” he says while closing his eyes. Hima appears behind him and attempts to punch him in the back of his head.

 

“Ha caught you, ACID COUNTER!” Polity said as he threw his arms back and acid is flung in a wide radius hitting the rest of his men, causing them to scream in pain as they get melted alive. “Ok boy I know I didn’t hit you so just come out.” He says as he points at an alley way where Hima emerged from. “Hm polity you seem like a pretty fun opponent, but your acid are just chemicals.” Hima said as he charged at Poilty with fire still in his hands.

 

“ACID MORTER!” Polity screamed as he threw a ball of acid at the dashing Hima. “It is really going to take more than that to hit me dumb ass.” Hima said with a cocky smile as he dodges it and circling Polity while running. “What are you trying to do?” Polity asked, puzzled while watching Hima run around him. “Just getting the friction hot enough to start my next attack.” He said while still running around.

 

“I won’t let that happen, ACID MORTER!” screamed Polity as he threw another acid ball at Hima. The ball vaporizes before it reaches him. “Ah it seems that it is hot enough.” Hima says as he spins and jumps up. He raises his hand, “NOVA TORNADO!” He screamed as yellow flames erupt from the ground from underneath Polity.

 

Hima uses his flames to help him to the ground safely. While looking at a scorched and grounded Polity he says, “Flames are always hotter after a warm up.” He turns to walk away. “Where the hell do you think your going jabroni?!” Polity asks as he gets up as if it was nothing. “How did you survive my flames?” asks a puzzled Hima. “I used my acid in the last second to cover my body with a thin film of armor.” replies Polity as he chips away at the burnt parts of his clothes. A surprised Hima turns around just as when Polity disappears. He thinks to himself, “Great, how much fun is it to wait for my opponent to attack?” “You should really pay attention.” says Polity as he falls from the sky ready to attack him.

 

“ACID KNIFE!” He screams as he slams his hand covered in acid into the ground. Hima narrowly escapes it and rolls away on the ground. He gets up, “Hey Policky have you heard of the Mihashiranokami before?” He asks him as he takes out his huge sword. “Uh yeah I have, and the name is Polity. I heard that the Three Gods were scattered around the world for an unknown reason during the creation of Emon.”

 

“Well it appears that you are looking at one, his name I Zen.” Hima says proudly as he holds it up. “Stop funking with me! Why do you sit here and lie for!” screams an angry Polity. “Woah calm down, how did your personality change a complete 180?” asks a confused Hima. “Because my family searched their whole lives to find those damn swords, not one of them survived long enough to find one.” Polity says as he looks over Hima’s sword. “That is a fake! Now I am really going to kill you!” screams Polity as he charges at Hima.

 

“What ever. Go easy on him Zen.” says a shrugged Hima. “ACID KNIFE!” Polity screams as he attempts to hit Hima stomach with his acid. Hima deflects his attack with a swipe of his sword. He then slashes at his chest, cutting him deeply. “How can you injure me so easily?” asks polity as he holds his wound. “I told you, this is one the Mihashiranokami. Oh and he is mad at you for calling him fake.” He answers as he does another slashing motion at Polity but instead of hitting him he releases a fiery crescent beam. “Blazing Slash.” Polity thinking, “Damnit I can’t move out of the way of this!” As the beam travels to Polity it is tearing up the ground.

 

“ACID KNIFE!” Polity screams as he deflects the beam with his hand. Hima thinking to himself, “That last attack wasted a lot of my Denergy. “I’m going to play defensive and see what he does next.” Polity thinking to himself, “I can only to Acid knife 4 times a day. I better finish him off before he does anything stupid. Hey boy?” Asks Polity as he smiles. “What Potippy?” asks Hima almost bent over.

 

“Lets say me and you finish this?” aks Polity. “That’s fine with me, I was tired of looking at your face.” replied a cocky Hima. Polity charges at Hima, “ACID KNIFE!” polity screams as he lunges at Hima. Hima spins around while using polities attack to help him get behind him and summons fire to his left hand. He then clenches his fist and strikes Polity’s back. “Heat Driver!” says Hima as the attack connects sending Polity flying into a building, destroying it in the process.

 

Hima falls to the ground out of breath and weakly says, “Ha…how was that jack as?” Throyugh the dust of the destruction Hima sees a figure weakly get up and make his way out of the rubble. “You did good kid, I almost had to go all out on you.” He tells Hima but he passed out before he could hear that.

 

Hima wakes up nose-to-nose with an old woman dressed in old purple and white clothes that people would usually wear back in the 1910’s.

 

“Where am I?” asks Hima as he looks around the room and notices the houses antique feeling. His bed he is on is just wood and feather. “Young men these days no manners. I’m treating the wounds you suffered with Polity wounds.” Says the old women as she washes Hima’s jacket. “Y..You know Polity?” asked a shock Hima and continues saying, “Wait, so you picked me up from the ground and carried me all the way over here to the crappy-ass place?

 

She hits him on the head. “Ha yeah I know him. I used to take care of him back when he got beat up by those street gangs. Oh and by the way my name is Rouba and this place is the only place that I will stay at.” “And why is that?” asked a curious Hima. “Because my husband built it with his bare hands.” Rouba replies as she blushes. “Uh so what? I can do this and 1,000x better too.” Says a cocky Hima as he checks his bandages.

“That’s not the point he was a wood demon and an excellent carpenter. He would spend day and night working on this house. That was until he died.” She replied. “Ya but it is still a crappy-ass place.” Says Hima s he is hit on the head by Rouba’s fist. “Ow. I’m sorry.” Says I hurt Hima as he holds his head. “Such a polite young man.” She says smiling.

 

She turns and goes to her sink washing dishes and then turns around to see Hima getting out the bed and walking to the door. “Where the hell do you think your going?” she asks as she throws a pot at his head. “Ok really I am not in the condition to be hit on.” Says a hurt Hima as he picks up his jacket from the floor. “Get back in bed! You need your wounds to heal!” Exclaimed and angry Rouba.

 

“Sorry I can’t rest yet, not until I kill a certain person and become Demon King.” Says a smiling Hima. “Oh really? And what will you do if you do become Demon King?” asks a happy Rouba. “I am going to unite the human realm and the demon realm.” Replies Hima in the most cockiest and cliché way possible. “Oh that is a pretty high level dream that you got there.” She replies as she laughs. “No, its not but I will need to get more powerful.” He says while looking at the wooden door. “You’re right on that one. You barely beat Polity when he wasn’t even trying.” says a serious Rouba.

 

Hima’s face turned white with shock. “You remind me of my late husband. He would always fight even to the point of exhalation. Always coming home covered in blood late at night asking me to “fix” him up.” She said as she lowers her head. “What happened to him?” he asked curiously. “He died from a lack of Denergy. Be careful out there and come back when ever you need fixing. Oh and by the way, what is your name?” she asked.

 

“Thanks.” He says as he puts on his jacket and his sword and turns head. “Hima Himura.” He says as he leaves through the door.

 

[END of CHAPTER]

 

 

Chapter 2: Strange Boy with the Bowler Hat

 

 

(Hima is seen walking around merchant salesman)

 

Hima: Do you have any sasami?

 

Merchant: Why yes I do young man, do you have any money? It will cost 45 earthen dollars.

 

Hima: Why yes I do, do you have any sasami? I will pay you 30 dollars.

 

Merchant: Why yes I do, do you have any money? It will cost you 15 dollars.

 

Hima: Why yes I do, do you have any sasami? I will pay you 1 dollar.

 

(The merchant gives him the sasami.)

 

Merchant: It’s free, thank you for the purchase.

 

Hima: (Walking away.) Whatever. Merchants are idiots.

 

Hima: Now I can FINALLY eat. (Someone bumps into him knocking out his food out of his hands and onto the ground)……damnit.

 

Lady: Why won’t anyone help?! I was just robbed!

 

Hima: Oh ya I’m goin to beat him up and make him buy me a new sasami.

 

(Hima rushes at the runner and kicks him in the back sending him flying into a merchants cart)

 

Hima: Why the hell did you steal for?

 

Thief: I really need this money for my daughter’s surgery. Her name is Keiko. Please sir don’t kill me.

 

Hima: (Sigh) Here man, take this. Don’t spend all of it because that is all that I have. Tell your daughter that I hope her well. (Starts walking away)

 

Thief: (smiles) Yes, thank you I will tell Pirika that you pray for her.

 

Hima: (stops walking) You bastard.

 

Thief: What did I say?

 

Hima: (turns around) You bastard!

 

Thief: Hey man your scaring me!

 

Hima: How dare you try to trick me! I really hate scumbags like you trying to scam everyone around just to fill your pockets! (He shoots a fireball at him, scorching him then gives the lady back her purse)

 

Hima: (angered) Damn that was the 57 thief I ran into since this journey. (He notices a building that says “Clothing Tailor” and notices that he still has a few holes from his fight with Polity) This looks like a trusting place. (walks in)

 

Lady: Help! Help please!!

 

(Two middle aged men are trying to rape a young woman)

 

Hima: (confused) Ok, why are you guys doing this?

 

Rapist #1: Haha cuz we tell little girls that in order for us to fix their clothes they need to take them off in fro-

 

(Hima rushes over and punches one of the rapist and then falls on his hand, spins and kicks the other one in the process)

 

Lady: (hugging him) Thank you so much sir!

 

Hima: (blushing) Uh ya, no problem. (leaves)

 

(Pans to show a woman on top of a building looking down at Hima pleased.)

 

Woman: (Talking to self) Heh the kids not half bad. (smiles)

 

(The light skinned woman has the appearance of someone in their early 20’s and is wearing a standard pink Chinese dress and hair buns)

 

Hima: Ok, lets see I don’t have any money because I burned it while I threw a fireball at that thief, my clothes smell like beer and meat from those rapist. Yup things are going just the way I wanted.

 

Lady: That man is dangling my baby over from the top of that house!

 

Hima: (pissed) Oh come on! How many freaks are in this town? I better get him before he does something stupid. (Hima uses his flame boosters to rush over to the top of the house and kicks the thief down while catching the falling baby)

 

Thief: UGGHN I should probably get out of here before I get beat up anymore. (Thief runs away)

 

Hima: Hm he first one to not get injured. (shocked) What? Where is this Denergy coming from? I know that it is not coming from any thiefs or else I would have picked it up already, this has to be from a demon who can control there denergy well. I can’t just randomly attack people or the demon might get away and I can’t just walk away or it might attack my blindside. Damn what to do.

 

(3 buildings explode)

 

Hima: Everybody run! (He looks around and notices that everybody is acting very casual) This is not the time to act cool or calm! A demon is here! (Nobody even looks up)

 

Hima: What the hell? This whole town doesn’t make any sense. Countless robbers, random Denergy readings, and now explosions that nobody notices? Maybe the demon masks all of the attention with its Denergy.

 

Woman: Ah very perceive eve Hima. I can see why that you were the successor to your father.

 

Hima: (Shocked and looks up to find her standing on one of the buidings.) How the hell did you know of my father?

 

Woman: That’s for me to know and for you to find out. You were so cute when you were a baby.

 

Hima: *Calm down, you cannot let this woman get the best of you* Wait a second where did the town go?

 

(a panning shot of where the town once was but now there is only a wasteland)

 

(He heard the woman’s voice in the wind)

 

Woman: Hm I don’t have time to play with you today little boy. Bye now. (smooch)

 

 

Hima: Man thing are getting really weird around here. I better not ponder too hard on it. I will run into that jabroni sooner or later.

 

Woman: (In the wind) I heard that!

 

(Hima walks in an unknown direction)

 

(Pans to a shot of Hima walking in a desert)

 

Hima: Man I need to get some food or I wont be able to leave this desert. What the hell was that woman talking about? She acted like she new the Himura clan and my father personally. (stomach gurgles) Hmmm!

 

(A head peers out from around a boulder)

 

Hima: (ignores and continues walking)

 

(The kid pops out and stares at Hima)

 

Hima: Ok kid you’re kind of freaking me out.

 

Kid: (walks out) Ok I am very sorry for that it is just that I have not seen people around here in quite some time. (bows) My name is Shouten Karite and I am from Dontyne.

 

(Shouten is a light skinned teenager wears a standard black suit and has a walking cane. Atop his head he wears a black bowler hat.)

 

Hima: (notices that he has sasami walks past him and takes it)

 

Shouten: Hey that is mine!

 

Hima: I’m hungry

 

Shouten: What gives you the right to take it?

 

Hima: Uh because I’m hungry.

 

(Hima tries to take a bite but it is forced out of his hand)

 

Hima: (shocked) Hm I sensed a little bit of Denergy right there. Was that from you?

 

Shouten: Heh maybe it was. I will tell you if you give me back the rest of my food.

 

Hima: (smiles) No. (burns all of the sasami)

 

Shouten: (shocked) W..w…w….why would you do that?!

 

Hima: So that we can fight and plus you made me drop the first one.

 

Shouten: Fine but it is not going to be easy. (Slams his cane down on the ground and a blade protrudes from the bottom giving it a scythe type appearance.)

 

Hima: Lets go. (Puts hands in pocket)

 

(They both charge at each other. Hima does an over head axe kick while Shouten scrapes his scythe on the ground and raising it to catch his kick. They collide and are both forced back)

 

Shouten: How did you block my scythe?

 

Hima: How should I know why that you’re weak?

 

Shouten: (angered) I am going to kill you! (charges at him and attempts to cut off his head but is blocked by his arm) NNNNGGGHHHH How are you doing this!

 

Hima: One word: training. (He then takes one of his legs and attampts to kick Shouten in the head but his leg gets forced down right before it connects) There it is again, that denergy. What kind of demon are you?

 

Shouten: I’m still not going to tell you. (frees himself from Hima’s hold and backs away.)

 

Hima: I see (charges fire in his hands and shoots them backwards and disappears)

 

Shouten: Where did he go?!

 

(He appears behind Shouten and tries to punch him but his arm is forced down once again)

 

Hima: What?

 

Shouten: There you are! (uses his scythe to swipe at his chest and sneds him back a few feet)

 

Hima: *Ok if close-range wont work then how about this* (He shoots a stream of fire at Shouten)

 

Shouten: You won’t hit me like that. (The flames stop writ before they reach his body)

 

Hima: Why won’t my attacks hit?

 

Shouten: (sighs) Fine I will tell you. I can control the gravity around me. The more Denergy that I put in the wider and stronger it gets.

 

Hima: (confused) That’s it? I thought that you had a cool power like a big shield or something. (sigh) Well I guess I better finish this. (He charges flames in both of his hands then put his right arm back having his palm face away from them then a burst of flame sprouts out sending Hima forward while flames sprout from his left hand) HEAT DRIVER!

 

Shouten: That’s not going to work! INVISIBLE PRISON! (He puts his hand out and everything around him got crushed)

 

Hima: I can break throu- (His whole body is forced down to the ground)

 

Shouten: (walks forward) I told you it was useless. (Prepares to attack)

 

Hima: (He fires flames from his hands sending him back) (pant) (pant) (pant) he really likes to use that gravity thing huh? (pant) *Lets see this guy has to have a weak spot. When I attacked him straight on he saw it coming and forced it down. When I tried to attack his backside he couldn’t see it but up a gravity barrier to stop my weak attack. And when I did my heat driver he needed to put out more Denergy in order to stop me. I was doing a strong attack. (shocked) I know now!* Hey Shou.

 

Shouten: It’s “Shouten” but what?

 

Hima: I can beat you. (smiles)

 

Shouten: (displeased) Try as you might.

 

Hima: (takes out Zen) All right Zen we need to try to do that move that my father showed us back then remember?

 

Shouten: Stop mumbling and come at me.

 

Hima: All right if we mess up we are done. (He charges at Shouten)

 

Shouten: I obviously have not flattened you enough. INVISIBLE GIANT! (He raises his arm)

 

Hima: HIMA FLASH!

 

(In a blink of the eye he appears behind Shouten)

 

Shouten: Okay you got behind me but you should have att- (he falls and weakly says) How and when did you hit me?!

 

Hima: (pant) It is a technique that my father created. If you focus (pant) (pant) Denergy into your legs you can attain movement that is (pant) undetectable and you can use it to close the gap between you and the enemy. But I (pant) wasn’t very good at stopping so instead of stopping in front of my (pant) enemy I can slice them and go past them. (smiles)

 

Shouten: Heh, nice work. (passes out)

 

Shouten: (wakes up on Hima’s back) What? Where am I?

 

Hima: Don’t worry we just left from the old ladies house she said that we are goin to be fine.

 

Shouten: What old lady? Where are we going? And why did you bring me? I can walk. (jumps off of his back)

 

Hima: Well for starters (punches him in the stomach) you talk to much Remy.

 

Remy: Remy?!

 

Hima: Ya Remy because you have a scythe like the Grimm Reaper so I thought it would be a cool name.

 

Remy: That is a dumb reason. I Hate it.

 

Hima: (punches him in the stomach) Ya I thought so.

 

Remy: Stop hitting me! Where are we going?

 

Hima: Where ever the wind takes us.

 

Remy: Well why did you bring me?

 

Hima: I can tell that you are alone so I want to be friends and I would get bored if I go on this journey alone.

 

Remy: Fine but just until you pay for the sasami that you burnt.

 

Hima: (smiles) Deal. Now let the adventure begin haha.

 

[END of CHAPTER]

 

 

Chapter 3: Enter Team Avalanche!

 

 

(pans around showing Hima and Remy walking in a desert.)

 

Hima: Soooo Remy, why are you alo-

 

Remy: Ok my name is S-H-O-U-T-E-N, SHOW-TEN, SHOUTEN got it?!

 

Hima:…………. Ok so Remy why are you alone?

 

Remy: Shou- (Hima punches him in the stomach) nnnggggggh fine. I was on a journey myself. I left my town in search for money to help replenish it. I failed 48 jobs in the first week so I wandered out into the desert and then you showed up. So why are you alone?

(Hima continues walking)

 

Remy: HEY?!

 

Hima: Heh just know this. I am on my way to become Demon King.

 

Remy: (confused)……. VI-VI-VI-VI (Hima punches him in the stomach)

 

[CREATOR NOTE: Remy’s laugh incorporates that “vi” in “gravity”, inside joke.]

 

Hima: What’s so funny?

 

Remy: You haven’t even registered for regionals yet.

 

Hima: Regionals for what?

 

Remy: (sigh) The tournament that is held to decide the Demon King.

 

Hima: (shocked) What?! They planned it a year early! What do we need to participate this year?!

 

Remy: (smirk) Heh your lucky that you are with me because…(takes out a circle shaped dog tag) you need this in order to participate. They are called “Delerks”.

 

Hima: That is a dumb name but I don’t have one though?

 

Remy: Ya but all that a team needs is one.

 

Hima: (happy) Were a team?!

 

Remy: I guess but we can’t lose once. If we lose not only will they take our Delerk but they might kill us as well.

 

Hima: So what if they beat us? We can escape and get another “Dejerks” or whatever.

 

Remy: No, once yours gets stolen you are out of the tournament for good.

 

Hima: So how many teams do we have to beat in order to move on?

 

Remy: 10 but that’s not important. What we really need are 10 Delerks.

 

Hima: (smiles) That is going to be easy. Well I don’t think that we can fight at full strength unless we get some sleep. Where is the nearest town?

 

Remy: *I don’t think that he is taking this seriously* There is a town 45 minutes from here.

 

Hima: Alright!

 

(2 hours later. Pans to Hima and Remy inside a town)

 

Hima: How the hell did you manage to get us lost?!

 

Remy: Don’t blame me you were the one who wanted to see if those traveling merchants were carrying sasami! Man you are like addicted to that stuff huh?

 

Hima: (smiling happily and drools) Yaaaaaa.

 

Remy: Eh whatever. Well here is a hotel. Do you have any money?

 

Hima: No, but I notice that the hotel clerk is a woman.

 

Remy: So?! What do you think we can do without money?

 

Hima: (smiles) Don’t worry about it, I got a plan. (walks over to clerk)

 

Clerk: Yes sir can I help you?

 

Hima: Why yes you can. You see I may be a fire demon but you light up my world.

 

(The clerks slaps him)

 

Hima: (walks back to Remy) Ow. She is probably a lesbian anyway.

 

Remy: (shocked) That was your big ass plan?!

 

Hima: Yup.

 

Remy: Damn you’re hopeless. Here let me try. (Walks up to clerk) Im sorry for the way that my friend acte-

 

Hima: (yells) IM HIS FRIEND!

 

Remy: (embarrassed) As I was saying I am sorry for the way that my friend ac-

 

Clerk: Ooohhh you’re so cute! Here is a free room, on the house.

 

Remy: (shocked but then bows) Thank you so much. (waves Hima over)

 

Hima: Wow, I didn’t know that you were a girl.

 

Remy: Shut up!

 

(pans outside of the room that they are sleeping in)

 

Remy: The hell! Hima get out of my bed!

 

Hima: Haha you are no fun.

 

(next day)

 

Hima: (yawns and stretches) That was a good rest. So where are we off to now?

 

Remy: Off to battle the team called “Avalanche”.

 

Hima: (shocked) How did you get that info?

 

Remy: The clerk told me.

 

Hima: You made love to her that is so gross man. More importantly why can’t we have a cool name like that? I like “Team Hima”.

 

Remy: What?! I do not want to be called after a person on my team who is equal in strength with me.

 

(Hima holds up a scoreboard that says, “Hima=1, Remy=0”)

 

Remy: Fine. She said that we can find them in the desert.

 

Hima: Ah a 45 minute walk, ok lets go!

 

(2 hours later, Pans to Hima and Remy in the desert)

 

Remy: Damnit man you need to get checked! You ran in some unknown direction just because you thought you “smelled” sasami!

 

Hima: (smiling happily and drools) Yaaaaaa.

 

Remy: (angered) Well we are here.

 

Hima: Where are they at? I can’t sense any Denergy?

 

Remy: Ya, me either. Maybe she tricked me.

 

Hima: Ya she can trick you, but she can’t trick a sexy face like mine.

 

Remy: You are fu- (Hima punches him in the stomach).

 

Hima: Well maybe we shou-

 

(The ground starts rumbling)

 

Remy: I am sensing a large amount of Denergy on the ground!

 

Hima: Ya me to.

 

(Three light skinned teenaged boys erupt from the ground)

 

Boy: You noobs are so going to get pwned! We are “Avalanche”! My name is Vance. (He is wearing green overalls with both straps cut hanging out and underneath he is wearing a white t-shirt)

 

Hima: #1. That is a really dumb entrance. #2. Are you even talking English? #3. We are going to beat you and get your Delerks.

 

Vance: Tough talk for someone giving off such weak Denergy.

 

Remy: Heh you guys are said to be tough but all that I see hear are a bunch of little girls.

 

Hima: Ooooooh. Hey they are like you Remy.

 

Vance: Bring it! I can probably “level up” after I beat you guys!

 

Hima:…….Ok, enough trash talk we, “Team Hima”, are going to be the only team to leave here with two Delerks.

 

Vance: Heh we will see!

 

[END of CHAPTER]

 

 

Chapter 4: A Fallen Hero

 

 

(Hima tales out his sword)

 

Remy: (shocked) Why are you taking out Zen even before we start fighting?

 

Hima: Something tells me that I am going to need his help for this fight. (Charges at Vance)

 

Remy: What are you doing Hima?! We don’t know his strength yet!

 

Hima: You handle his two friends.

 

Vance: Ha such a noob move! (Pulls out a metal staff)

 

Remy: Damn. I guess I can handle these two. (Pulls out his scythe)

 

(Vance and Hima clash)

 

Remy: (Looks at the 2 guys who still did not attack yet) Well, what are you waiting for?

 

(The two charge at him)

 

Remy: Damnit!

 

(Pans to Hima and Vance clashing)

 

Vance: Hmm I see that you do have some good moves!

 

Hima: I wish that I could say the same for you but for a demon you are kind of weak.

 

Vance: HAHA! You still don’t know what kind of demon I am, do you?! (Jumps up) DRY HIPPO!

 

(A giant crack forms underneath Hima which opens up causing him to fall inside. Then it closes shut.)

 

Vance: HAHA! Wow I never killed anybody this fast!

 

(The ground started to shake)

 

Vance: The hell?!

 

(Underground) HEAT DRIVER!

(The ground erupts with a fiery explosion)

 

Vance: Hm I can’t see him! I see that you know the noobish move “Hit-and-Run”

 

Hima: (above hovering with his flame boosters) No, I don’t “Hit-and-Run” I “Hit-and-Hit”. (charges at Vance)

 

(pans to Remy running away from the two guys)

 

Remy: Damnit all! I can’t fight two at once!

 

Boy 1: DESERT FOG! (His body starts to break apart and turns to dust)

 

Remy:…….So you turn into a dust pile. Fine all that I need now is a broom.

 

(The dust rises up and surrounds him in a wide radius.)

 

Remy: Hmm, so you turn into dust and surround the field so that I can’t see or sense your partners Denergy and while I am trying to figure out where he is he can attack me on my blindside. Well no matter how small dust is they are still bound by one law! My law! INVI- (he gets punched in the stomach) What! How can anyone see me while I am in here! I guess I have to use this move in front of Hima.

 

(cuts to Hima and Vance clashing)

 

Hima: HEAT DRIVER! (He charges at him)

 

Vance: TELLUS SHELL! (He raises his hand and a wall sprouts from the ground)

 

Hima: I can break through! (He punches through and breaks the wall)

 

Vance: (jumping away) Haa you can’t catch me!

 

Hima: Watch me!

 

(cuts to Remy inside the dust veil)

 

Remy: Moon. (He hovers up off the ground then flies high. He stops to look around) I can see everything from here. (Notices Hima) Hima! Don’t look up her- Watchout!!

 

Hima: (Turns around) What!? Woah your flying.

 

Vance: Your friends right, don’t turn your back on me! GROUND HYDRA! (Spikes erupt from the ground underneath Hima)

 

Hima: AAAAAAAH! (He gets in impaled on all sides) (weakly) Nnnggh Remy….you idiot. (He falls as blood is pouring out of him)

 

Remy: (Shocked and confused) H…Hima. Ok get up now we have to win this right?

 

(Hima doesn’t answer)

 

Remy: (Lowers his head.) I have a question for you Vance.

 

Vance: Ya what’s that?!

 

Remy: Why did you kill him?

 

Vance: Haha because I wanted to! That little bastard funked with me to much!

 

Remy: (Clenches his fists.) Hm, ya I though so. (He charges at Vance from the sky.)

 

(It cuts to Hima lying on the ground in an all white area.)

 

Hima: (Wakes up.) *gasp* Wait where the hell am I. (Looks around.) This doesn’t look like anywhere I have been before. The only thing that I remember is Remy trying to tell me something and…….I died.

 

???: Hima it has been a long time.

 

Hima: (Looks up.) Father, yes it has been awhile. But where are we?

 

(His father is dressed in a deep red green and a light yellow hakama. He wears black tabi and geta sandals on his feet. With long waist long red hair.)

 

Father: Well I am not to sure myself. I really thought that this was heavan but I don’t know anymore since you got here. Oh Hima have you noticed that time doesn’t pass in here?

 

Hima: That’s not the point! I died. I can’t avenge our clan!

 

Father: Hima calm down, what is the point of revenge? I know that I never taught you that.

 

Hima: The point of revenge is to get back at the person who did you wrong.

 

Father: Yes but if you get back at that person don’t you think that they will get you back later as well?

 

Hima: Not if I kill them.

 

Father: There is no point to kill ones enemy if you do not kill them in a noble way.

 

Hima: But I don’t know how to kill in a noble way.

 

Father: My point exactly, to kill one without honor id the greatest form of disgrace. The soul cannot be at rest until they get vengeance upon the one who killed them. It is a never ending cycle. If you don’t know how to kill that way then you shouldn’t kill at all. Do you understand now?

 

Hima:…..Ya, ok I wont kill until I know the meaning of a “noble death”.

 

Father: Well since you won’t be killing anybody soon because you are stuck here maybe we should have a little talk. Do you know they story of how Emon was created?

 

Hima: A little, there was nothing but space and the universe in the beginning until a star became bored of the nothingness in its life so it used all of its energy to create the first God, Earth. Earth then ran away from the other stars because he did not fit in so he went as far away as possible away from them until they looked like little white dots in the sky to him. He then used his energy to form a large rock which he could live on. Several days later he became bored and asked the nearby stars to be friends. They declined at first but then realized that they can have fun with him so they used their energy to create the three other Element Gods: Fire, Wind, and Water.

 

With it Fire got to cold to be out in space so he asked earth if he could burrow in his rock. Earth agreed and that is where fire stayed, in the core of the rock. Water noticed that the rock was getting cracks and breaking up from the lack of any “mending” material so she offered to add water to it to make it more stable. The water filled the cracks and crevices which created the oceans and rivers. Wind noticed that water was dying out so she created a round sphere around the rock and the water to hold it in place.

 

But even with these advances they were still getting weaker from an unknown reason. They searched for their answer in every neighboring star but couldn’t find it. They then went to ask the oldest living star, Su. With it they told them the answer but with a price, they needed to share some of their energy with him. They did and with it Su created the last Elemental God, an unknown one.

 

The unknown God helped mend everything together to help create a more peaceful and in dependable place. With it was the creation of the first humans and demons, but that is as far as the story goes.

 

Father: You see Hima that is not just a story; it is recorded history of how we were created. And those Gods weren’t just Gods, they were the first demons.

 

Hima: Ya right old man I think that you are just a little crazy from dying and all.

 

Father: Go find a man named Yurai. He will tell you anything you need and want to know.

 

Hima: Did you forget that I died?

 

Father: (Smiles.) Good thing that I know how to bring you back to life.

 

Hima: (Shocked then smiles.) Alright, Vance you can’t kill a flame out twice.

[END of CHAPTER]

 

 

Chapter 5: Relit

 

 

“Hima who are you talking to?” His father said with a puzzled look on his face. “Shut up! Can you just tell me how to get my life back?” Hima says with intensity. “Speaking of which how did you die anyway?” His father said with a calm demeanor. Hima replied, “Well it was my first match of the Demon Tournament and I got careless.” “What?! Why is the Tournament this early?” His father demanded. “Ya I don’t know much of why that it is early but I do know that this year people can be on teams.” Hima replied.

 

“Well that sounds like fun but how do I know if I send you back you won’t end up dying and coming back here?” His father demanded. Hima replied, “I have a plan this time, me and my partner are going to be doing an thinking as a team.” “Sounds cliché to me but oh well. Oh and Hima this technique can onl be used once” His father walks away from Hima then stops. “Now your sounding cliché, hurry up.” Hima demands. “Be prepared Hima.” His father says as he raises his arm. A flash of red light erupts from his hand and as it fades a red katana is fitted in his hand. “This is the Himura’s ainciant weapon that we forged through years of hard work and 0 lunch breaks, its name is “Shinku Heki”.”

 

“So it doesn’t even look that strong compared to Zen.” Hima says while taking out his sword. “So are we going to fight or what.” “No, you have to last 10 seconds without losing to me, then you can be brought back to life.” His father says as he gets in a battle stance. “Heh, easy.” Hima says as he prepares his battle stance. “You didn’t even last a second.” His father says from behind Hima.

 

“How? You didn’t even hit me yet.” Hima says while turning around ready to strike his father. Hima swings his sword at his father but he ducked out of the way and rolled away from him. “How can you beat me if you keep running away?” Hima charges after him but then stops. “It seems that I am out of practice the effects should have started later then this, oh well.” His father shrugs as Hima’s chest explodes violently and blood gushes everywhere. “Oh and the name of the attack is called “Kibatsu Flash.” His father says as Hima falls to the ground.

 

“Hey Hima wake up.” His father says while looming over him. Hima opens his eyes and is shocked to see his wounds and clothes are fine as if nothing happened. “How did this happen?” Hima asks his father. “You really don’t think that you can die twice did you?” His father says with a smile on his face. “Well actually, ya.” Hima says embarrassed. “Well since you did actually last more than a second I will bring you back to life, but I really don’t know because you can’t tell time while you are in here haha.” His father jokingly tells him.

 

“Demon Art: Kisei Kikyaku!” His father shouted as he raised his arms and a black pentagram emerged from under him. Black wind erupts from it and surrounds Hima. “Where did you get the wind from?” Hima asks as his sight is cut off from everything. We cut to a beat up Remy on the ground covered in blood and bruises. “Gravit…..” He weakly says. “Ha you guys were really weak if I didn’t have to use my Demon Break!” He says as he readies his staff ready to strike.

 

“Demon…Break?” Remy asks weakly. “Enough talk, just join your partner and die!” Vance says as he attempts to hit him. Vance gets pushed back and his staff gets broken in two. “Who the hell?!” He asks angrily. “Hm Remy you seem too gotten beaten up a bit.” Remy looks up and sees Hima helping him up. “……What? Hima? I saw you die.” He asks puzzled. Hima replies, “Ya I saw me die too haha but really we can’t talk we have to beat them right? And oh here is a little Denergy for you to at least walk on your own.”

 

Remy gets up and brushes dirt off of himself. “Well I still can’t believe that you are back alive but I guess we can’t talk right now.” Remy says while glancing at Vance. The sand veil moves over to Hima. “Hima watch out for that sand! It is actually a demon who can hide the Denergy of his partner, and while he is covered he can attack your blindside!” Remy screams as Hima walks calmly into it. Hima walks into the center of it and closes his eyes, “Your right, I can’t sense anything in here.” Just then the sand veil changes violently and charges at Hima from all sides.

 

“Hm, you’re not a very bright one are you?” Hima asks the sand completely envelopes him. Remy cries out, “Hima why didn’t you try to attack back or escape?” From inside the sand Hima says, “Well because I don’t need to, see?” As soon as he said that the sand that was wrapped around his body breaks and falls apart as if it was glass. Boy #2 asks as he charges at Hima “What?! How can his sand break like that?!” Remy replies, “I finally found you, you bastard. INVISIBLE PRISON!” Remy raises his arm as the boy and the ground around him is crushed deep like a meteor hit it. “Well you see if sand is heated to a high enough degree it becomes hard like glass and so I just needed to flex in order to break him.” Hima says as he brushes himself off.

 

“Well partner I guess we only have one more huh? That’s your killer, Vance.” He points over to Vance who is still in shock of seeing Hima alive again. “H…him…a…life….” Vance utters as Remy and Hima walk over to him. “NOOOOOO!” Vance yells as the sand from the ground around him erupt in a violent fury. “Well I see that he is getting desperate, right Hima?” Remy asks as he looks at Hima. “I don’t think so. Can you feel this dense Denegy? I would expect you to because I know for a fact that the gravity around him is different just from his Denergy.” Hima says while looking hard in the direction of Vance.

 

“Your right, it is heavy. What do you think we should do?” Remy asks while shocked. “Crush him.” Hima replied cold heartily. “Invisible Giant.” Remy says as he raises his arm and everything in Vance’s direction is crushed. “Alright get his Delerk and let’s get out of here.” Hima says while walking away. Remy stays in the same place. “Remy lets go.” Hima demanded as he walks over to him. “What is wrong with yu-“ Before Hima could finish his sentence he looked at what Remy was watching. Inside the sand he saw movement. “You don’t think that he survived you prison do you?” Hima asked. “He had to, there is no way.” Remy tells him while still shocked as the figure steps out of the sand. “Well it looks like I leveled up! Ready to get pwned?!” Vance asked while smiling at them. Vance is covered in a type of rock armor from his waist up. Rocks form 1-nailed claws over each of his hands and back while his face is being covered by a rock helmet.

 

 

Chapter 6: Heavy Flame

 

 

“It looks like he is using his abilities but he isn’t losing Denergy.” Hima continues as he takes out his sword. “Ok Remy stand behind and when I give the signal jump over me and attack that helmet, got it?” Hima said as he walks in front of him. “Wait what is the signal?” Remy asks as Hima charges at Vance. “Damnit Hima! Do you want to die again?!” Remy yells at the charging Hima. “You noobs don’t know how to attack me do you?!” Vance exclaims as he raises his arm. “Quake-gator!” Vance slams down his hand onto the ground as a small tremor starts afflicting the ground. “Hima! I am going to try to attack him off the ground, moon.” Remy tries to tell Hima as he levitates up.

 

“I’m not done yet!” Vance proclaims as spikes erupt from the ground while traveling towards Remy. “Not again, Hima Flash!” Hima said as he travels past the spikes cutting them down. “Dance, what kind of ability is that?” Hima asks as he points at Vance. He didn’t answer. “Invisible Prison!” Remy exclaimed in the sky over Vance. “It’s useless Remy, stop!” Hima cries as Remy continues the attack only. Hima then starts running after Vance to stop him from attacking Remy. “Hima stop! It is too late for me o stop the attack, you will get caught in it!” yelled Remy as he lowers his hand. “Invisible shackles.” he quietly said as Hima is forced to the ground.

 

“Remy, you don’t understand! He is just toying with us!” yelled an angered Hima as he struggles to get free. “How can he? I am all the wa-“ Remy pauses as his face turns to shock. “Surprise!” said Vance as he appeared behind Remy and punches him to the ground with one of his claws. He crashed with a huge explosion, kicking up rubble and dust. Hima watched in awe as he slowly gets up from the ground. “Become nourishment for Emon, Desert Boa!” yelled Vance as he raises his arm. Hima notices what he I doing and runs over to Remy. As he gets over there the ground starts to form teeth that rise up over the two partners. While he could still see an opening Hima through the injured Remy through an opining. Remy then shifts his body to see the teeth clamp together, shutting in Hima. “I am not done yet, Desert Snare!” as soon as Vance got done saying that the dome explodes, leaving dust, rock, and blood being flown in all directions.

 

Remy’s eyes stayed fixed on that location, not missing a second of what might happen. “Wow, that was a big boom!” screams a laughing Vance as he lands on the ground with a big thud, right behind Remy. “Now you’re really going to die now!” Vance said as he attempts to punch Remy at the back of his head. Remy doesn’t move. “Hinote Hitokoma!” yells Hima as he kicks Vance back with his a blazed foot, causing Vance to slide on the ground while holding his stomach. Remy looks up and sees a bloodied Hima with a scowl on his face. “Hima….” Remy whines as his partner charges after Vance.

 

“No, stay away damnit!” Vance begged as he slowly gets up and gets kneed in the head by Hima, shattering his helmet. He then picks him up by his shirt and slams him in the ground four times. He then threw him I the air and preceded to land continuous punches as they both fall from the sky. They slam tp the ground causing a small crater because of Vance’s armor. Hima then takes out Zen and places him over Vance’s neck. “Ple….ase sto…p.” Vance weakly begs. Hima raises his sword and attempts to stab Vance’s neck but stops right before reaching his neck. Remy weakly gets up and makes his way to the crater. “Why…won’t Hima finish the battle?” asks Remy as he enters the crater and takes a closer look at Hima. “He can’t do it, he is crying!” Remy said while shocked that Hima is crying.

 

Hima is holding Zen with an angry face but is crying uncontrollably. “Father, I won’t take his life. Not until I understand, but what came over me? I have no control over my body. The only thing that is holding me back is Zen.” Hima thought as Remy takes Zen out of his hands. “Ha! Do you really think that that will actually injure me, let alone hurt me?!” Vance screamed as he attempts to cut Hima’s chest but Remy grabs him away. “Moon.” Remy said as he levitates him and Hima up into the sky. “There is no escape, Desert Spider!” screams Vance as a giant rock cannon emerges from the ground. “Fire!” he demands as he points at Remy. The cannon shoots out giant spiked rocks that travel at Remy at a break-neck speed.

 

“I didn’t think that I would have to use this move so early. I didn’t even get the chance to perfect it, oh well.” Remy said to himself. “Bow before the rightful king! Graviton Bomb!” He exclaims as everything underneath him is crushed as if they deteriorated by an unknown means. As the rock spikes deteriorate Vance notices that nearby mountains are being deformed as if chunks were being ripped out of them. Before he could look up he was pinned down to the ground while the ground is being continually pressed down in a large radius, causing his armor to crack.

 

“Remy…throw me at him.” Hima said weakly. “What? You can talk now?” asked Remy while puzzled. “Just throw me down, I will find my way to him.” Hima said with a straight face. “I trust you Remy, you are the first friend I have ever made.” he said while looking up at Remy. Remy blushed and said, “Come on man, don’t get all emotional on me and stuff. But all right, hang on.” Remy spins around in the air while carrying Hima. “Invissiiiibbble PRISON!” screamed Remy as he tossed Hima at Vance. “All right father, do you see? I have the strength to fight for the ones I care about. I will become Demon King and bring all of my friends along with me.” Hima said to himself.

 

Hima lights a blue flame in his hand and clenches his fist. “Alright let’s end this! Heavy Blaze Driver!” He screams as his fist hits Vance’s chest, causing him to cough up blood and making the crater much wider and deeper. Remy looks through the smoke to see if he can find Hima. “Hima! Did you get him?!” he said as he glides down to the ground. As the dust disperses he finds a laughing Hima on the side of an unconscious Vance whose armor is crushed to pieces. “Man that was intense. Let’s head over to Rouba.” Hima said while still laughing. Remy said while smiling, “Sure partner.”

 

It cuts to outside Rouba’s house at night. “And he did all that?” asked Rouba as she looks at the unconscious Hima lying on a wooden bed smiling. “Yep, the kid is actually pretty good despite the fact that he is a dumba-“ Remy pauses as he sees Hima get out of bed. “So are you fe-“ Hima punches him in the stomach. “Damnit Hima!” Remy groans as he holds his stomach and Hima gets back in bed. “He can’t hear you, he is still unconscious.” Rouba said while smiling. “So How is that little bastard over there?” Remy asked as he points to Vance lying unconscious on a wooden bed while being covered by bandages. Rouba looks over and shakes her head, “I don’t see why that you guys brought him back here, but he should be able to at least walk tomorrow morning.” “Well that’s good because we have a few questions to ask him.”

 

The next morning Hima, Remy, and Vance are seen leaving Rouba’s place. “So Rooc, Remy checked every pocket on your body while you were sleeping, actually that sounds like something that he would do….” Hima said while looking at Remy. “Shut up!” Remy retorted as Hima continues talking. “…and he said he couldn’t find any Delerks on you.” “Ok first off why are you calling me “Rooc”?” Rooc asked as he notices that I changed his name. “Well because you like to play with rocks so I though that it would be a cool name.” Hima replied while smiling.

 

Rooc and Remy look at each other. “Does he know that I killed him and that we aren’t friends?” Rooc asked as he points at an oblivious Hima. “Well you get used to it after a while. Speaking of which, Hima, why did we take him along?” Remy asked Hima while confused. Hima stops and turns around, “He is our new partner, we will need him for when we need to get the other 9 Delerks.” “But why doesn’t he have any?” Remy asked Hima while still confused. “Well you see, my team never officially entered into the Demon tournament. We just thought that after we beat one team we could get their Delerk and continue on in the tournament.” Rooc answered while embarrassed. Remy and Hima both look at each other. “So Remy, what he is saying is that I died from an unofficial Demon Fight?” Hima asked with an angered face.

 

Hima then charges at Rooc but is held back by Remy. “Oh ya, Rooc, your friends sayd that they quit from your team because they saw how pitifull you looked out there.” Remy told him while still struggling with Hima. “Yeah I knew that they would do that. I mean they did see me lose in my Demon Break.” Rooc said as he looks down. “Wait, what is “Demon Break”?” Hima asked as he calms down. “Are you serious? Demon Break is the first step of mastering your abilities.” Replied Rooc as he looks up. “Wow, I didn’t know that. Well you are going to have to teach me on the way to the next Demon Fight. Where is it Remy?”

 

Hima asked as they continue walking. “I heard that there is a girl in Respair Town that has blessed abilities. And they say that her and her team are undefeated.” Remy answered while looking at his cane. “Well you guys, let’s see if we can change that record. Right?” Hima asked while smiling. “Yeah, I can actually test out this new technique that I was saving up.” Remy answered with a smile on his face. “And I can win a match and get this guilt of losing to you guys off of my chest.” retorts a smiling Rooc. “Yeah, ‘cause we are….” Hima starts off saying. “the heavy set pressured…” Remy adds on. “earth shaking terrors….” Rooc adds on. “that will heat up the world.” Hima finishes. “Team Hima!” They all scream at the top of their lungs as they walk over the horizon.

 

[END of CHAPTER]

 

[bury the year]

You actually go to some lengths to describe how characters look, but only with clothes. Right now, Hima *snickers* is invisible. He certainly has shades of an Anti-Hero, but also of being a God Mode Sue. Work on your characterization and believeability factor, and drop the script speech.

 

And, before I go...

 

*takes deep breath*

 

HIMA HIMA HIMA HIMA HIMA HIMA HIMA!

 

Veracity from Sig: 4.5/10. Not too shabby.

 

(New rating system. The lower, the better.)

[Rideouter]

Chapter 7: Wrong Way

 

“Stop man, please! We lost, you can have all of our Delerks!” a light-skinned man dressed in a brown suit and a top hat begged as he is on the ground, looking up. A light-skinned teenager with light blond hair and light blue emotionless eyes looks at the cowering man. “So, this is the best part of the Demon Fights. Killing even when we won.” the teenager said as he took out a large white sword, roughly the size of Zen, and continues to slash at the man until all that is left is a bloody puddle. “Let’s go guys. We have to stay here and wait, for him.” the teenager commanded as his sky blue colored shirt blows at the wind, along with his baggy dark green pants.

 

Two other light-skinned teenagers walk with him. One is clad in blood stained white jacket with dark tight pants. His messy red hair is adorned with a golden crown. The other is clad in a purple small t, and a long sleeve purple shirt underneath it. His brown shoulder length hair is swept to the back of his head, staying away from his face. His blood red tight pants echoed fear to anyone who saw him.

 

“Reeeemmmy, do you know where there are any merchants?” Hima whined as he held his stomach. “Hima, stop whining we are almost at a town called Fertiv Town. They should have some food there.” Remy replied as he points in the direction that they are walking. “Yeah but we are still in the desert. I don’t feel any people besides us through the ground for 50 miles.” Rooc said as he looked at the ground.

 

“Hey, maybe we can travel through the ground to get there faster!” Rooc exclaimed as he waived his arm over the ground, creating a human sized hole. “No, I don’t trust earth.” Hima said with a smug look on his face. “Oh so you trust flames? Something that is completely incontrollable?” Rooc asked. Hima didn’t answer as he put his hands behind him and charged flames in his hands. “I wouldn’t try to go by yourself, you could get lost.” Rooc said while moving down the hole. “Whatever, leave him.” Remy demanded as he entered the hole behind Rooc. The hole closed up leaving Hima by himself. He shoots the flames behind him, causing him to be jet propelled through the desert.

 

“Prince, can you please come here a minute?” asked an old butler dressed in a black suit as he entered into a heavily decorated room. The huge windows allow the sun to shine in, lighting up the room. In the middle of the room sits a short cut brown haired, light-skinned teenager reading papers. “All right, I will just be a minute.” the teenager replied. As he gets up, his exaggerated frilly red and white collar and long sleeves shake violently. His skin tight red cashmere pants move in the same motion that he is moving. As he leaves his room, he enters into a large hallway. Gray colored bricks and flamed torches light the way for the exit.

 

He pushes the huge doors that lead to the balcony. He steps forward, looking down at all of the people below him. “People of Fertiv Town, I…. Prince Yutaka, is the rightful heir to the Demon King title…” he pauses as the people below him cheer as they hear the news. “….will take on this Demon Tournament head on. I will not waver, I will stand strong even till the last drop of my blood is spilt if need be….” He continues to pause as people continue to cheer. “….But starting this day, I am going to be leaving this town to head off and explore the world. I promise you all, I will come back a king of this world….” People continue to cheer. “…But with my leaving I am putting my butler, Sousaku, will lead this town with striving determination. That of which could rival mine!” the prince finishes.

 

The streets of the town are flooded with people cheering for him as he waves his hand, ensuring everyone hat he never breaks a promise. He walks away from the balcony. “I hate those funking people.” Yutaka said cold heartedly. “Yes Prince, I know.” The butler Sousaku replied. “Sir, you have an awaited guest in your room.” The butler added on. “Wait, my room?!” the prince shouted as he ran full speed down the hall to his room. He pushed open the door and saw a man sitting at his desk. He gently brushed one side of his red hair because the other side was cut short. As he got up he brushed his black army pants with his hands and positioned his green muscle shirt. “Hey there prince, I am that mercenary you ordered, Polity.” He said as he raised his hand, positioned for a hand-shake.

 

“Ahhh. So we should be in Fertive Town right Rem?” Rooc asked as he poked his head through the grass, near a small blue house. He gets out of the hole and helps Remy out as well. “Yup, this looks like what I have been told.” Remy replies as he dust himself off and looks around. The streets are paved with brick. All the houses are positioned facing the street and are one story. They look rather new and clean. In the middle of the town lays a giant gray colored castle that is surrounded by green grass. At the top of the castle stands a large red flag with indecipherable letters on it. “Hey, while we wait for Hima lets check out the castle a bit.” Rooc suggested as he started walking over to it. “Fine but we are not going to go inside it.” Remy accepted.

 

“Damnit, I should have gone down the damn hole!” Hima shouted as he continues running in the desert. He closes his eyes. “Wait! I smell sasami!” he exclaimed as he started running in an unknown direction.

 

“Man this thing is huge. Where do you think the entrance is?” Rooc asked. As he felt the sides of the castle. “WE are not goin in, go-“ Remy paused as he noticed Rooc enter a hole in the ground. “Come on Remy. Plus we need to ask him how that we can get to Respair Town.” Rooc said as he entered further into the hole. “But I already know where that it is at.” Remy said as he noticed that Rooc entered the hole fully. Remy grunted as he followed him. As they entered through the other side they looked around to see if there were any guards around, there weren’t. They quickly got out the hole, ran across the grass field, and pinned themselves up against the castle.

 

“Who the hell are you guys?” a voice shouts at the two from above. They look up and see the prince looking down from his balcony. “Um, well, we were trying to find the hansom prince who lived here….” Remy tried to persuade. “Alright, stay right there.” the prince said with a smile. Rooc and Remy looked at each other with confusion. The prince exits his castle while wearing a huge red cape. “Uh I have a question, why do you have a castle?” Remy asked. The prince smiled at him and raised his arm. Polity jumped from the top of the balcony and kicked Remy in the head with n axe kick.

 

“Don’t funk with me! I know that you came here for my money and Delerk!” The prince shouted as his butler emerged from the castle as well. “Whoa, you got the wrong idea! We just came here because we were waiting for a friend! We saw this castle and decided to check it out!” Rooc tried to explain. “Bull!!” the prince shouted as he raised his arm again. Polity nodded his head and tried to punch Rooc in the head. Rooc deflected it away. “We are telling the truth your highness.” Rooc said with an intense face. “Polity stop, I believe them.” the prince said with a smirk. “Wait, did you say Delerk?! Hey they are in the Demon Tournament!” Remy exclaimed as he holds his head. “I knew it! You guys are just looking for a fight! You found one, so lets do this!” the prince shouted as he orders Polity and his butler back. “Damit Remy! You are almost as dumb as Hima! How are we supposed to fight against them when we are missing him?!” Rooc scolded Remy as he gets in a battle stance.

 

The prince places both of his palms on his grass and removed them. The grass area around him rose up as if they were being pulled up by a string. “Remy, follow my attack pattern.” Rooc ordered as he stepped in front of him. Rooc charges at Prince Yutaka. Polity steps in front of him. “Acid Knife!” he shouted as he attempts to attack with his hand that is covered in acid. Rooc dodges it by swaying his body to the left, like it was too easy. As Polity was still caught up in the attack, Remy came from the sky and slashed his back with his scythe.

 

“AAAHH!” Polity screamed as he fell from the attack. “Polity, you disappoint me.” Yutaka said while looking at the downed Polity. The prince then flipped his cape ahead of him and touched it. The cape twisted around until it was a spiral and hardened. “Take this you punks, Royal Lancer!” Yutaka shouted as he charged at Remy. Remy threw his cane aside and raised his arm. “Invisible Prison!” He shouted as the grass around him flattened. Yutaka still charged at him, piercing his shoulder. “AAAHHH!” Remy screamed as he gets knocked aside to the wall while holding his gushing shoulder. “You bastard!” Rooc shouted as his fist gets covered in rock and attempts to punch Yutaka but is stopped by a hand. “You see, if you beat up my employer, I can’t get paid.” Polity said as he punches Rooc’s head, hard enough to send him crashing into the wall.

 

Sousaku looks at Polity, “What took you so long?” “I’m sorry boss but I had to make sure that they were caught off guard.” Polity replies while smiling. “Sir, may I give you an edge in this battle?” the butler asked. “Sure, I don’t feel like toying with them anymore.” Yutaka smirked. The butler walks over to him and places his hand on his cape. The cape flattens out and gains a point, like a sword. “I’m going to win my first fight, Royal Slasher!” Yutaka shouts as he slashes as Rooc. Rooc closes his eyes. “Rooooc!!” Remy screamed as he is helpless to defend him. The cape is stopped by a silver blade. Rooc opens his eyes and looks up. “Hima?!” Rooc and Remy asked while in disbelief. “Who are you?! You better lower your blade before I kill you as well as these punks behi-“ Hima punches Yutaka in the face before he could finish.

 

“Young master!” Sousaku exclaimed as he rushed over to him. “Wow, it is good to see you again kid.” Polity said while looking at his sword. “I see that you are still carrying around that fake sword.” he adds on. Hima doesn’t answer. “You funking bastard! I am going to kill-“ Yutaka stops as he noticed that Hima is behind him. “Oh prince, I know all about you. You have the blessed ability to harden anything you touch. Your butler has the ability sharpen any surface. And you even gone to the length of hiring a mercenary like Polity. Your just a spoiled brat who doesn’t understand the importance of friendship and hard work. You don’t deserve to become Demon King!” Hima shouted at the frozen Yutaka. “…..Oh, and Hima Flash.” Hima said as Yutaka, Sousaku, and Polity’s chest explode in a bloody fashion.

 

“You’ve gotten better kid.” Polity said weakly as he fell to the ground. Hima walks over to Rooc and Remy. “And you bastards, you left me to find this place by myself!” he exclaimed as he stares at them with intensity. “Well you wanted to go your own way! Speaking of hich, how did you find this place and get here?” retorts Remy. “I smelled a strong aroma of Sasami coming from this direction. When I got closer I started to sense your Denergies.” Hima answered with a frown on his face. “Oh, so are you going to help us?” asked a weakened Rooc. “Heh, nope.” smirked an evil Hima. “They wounded the Prince, arrest them now!” shouted a knight clad in silver armor as he enters the grassy courtyard, followed by several other knights. “Please Hima!” they both begged as the knights continued approaching.

 

“Mmmmm no.” answered Hima as he jumped over the castle walls. “You bastard!!” they both exclaimed as the knights lifted them up, along with the prince, the butler, and Polity.

 

Hima is seen on top of the castle at night. “Ok, they have been there long enough.” Hima said as he jumped. Rooc and Remy are seen in a brick cell, their only exit are through the iron bars that are in front of them. “Do you think that he left us here?” Rooc asked Remy. “Naw, he isn’t the type to leave his friends. Or I don’t think so.” Remy answered as he looked out through the small window in their cell. The brick wall of the cell suddenly explodes. “The hell?!” They both asked as they held each other. “Well it looks like you two are having fun here. Maybe you guys should make out or something.” Hima jokingly suggest as he enters through the hole. “What took you so damn long?!” Remy asked while letting go of Rooc.

 

“Well first off I wanted you guys to think about what you guys did. Then I wanted to steal some money.” Hima said while holding up some gold coins. “Oh and I had to think about how to free you guys while being subtle.” Hima said while looking at his hand. “You call this subtle?!” Rooc shouted as he walks over to Hima. “Well, it looks like you guys have about 50 seconds to decide before those knights come back. They both look at each other and jump out.

 

The next day they are all seen running in a forest, thick with green and mossy trees. The ground is covered in moss and vegetation. “We are almost at Respair Town, let’s prepare ourselves.” Remy suggest as he dodges trees. “Ok but since you guys want to know, I know the prince from when my clan was still around. His family would always come around and tried anything to buy and own our manor. My father denied every time. Back then he was such a baby, we would play tag together and each time he would cry every time I beat him up because I lost.” Hima said out of the blue. “No one asked you for that!” Remy replies at what Hima said. “Well I think that it was cool the way he saved us.” Rooc said while dodging trees as well.

 

“Thanks Rooc.” Hima said with a smile. “What ever….There it is, Respair Town.” Remy said while exiting the clearing. “Lets go Team Hima!” Hima shouted as they all ran for the town.

 

[END of CHAPTER]

 

 

 

Chapter 8: Hospitality!

 

As Remy walks into the town first he notices the lively people walking around continue to stare at the group with suspicious eyes. Rooc pans the whole town. The dark brown colored wood houses along the brick laid streets confuse him for an unknown reason.

 

“This town doesn’t seem to have any wealth to it. It’s like the most that they could afford were these bricks.” Rooc said as he continued to pan the small town. He stops and notices that one of the houses has a sign that said “Pub” on it.

 

“Hey I found a place to eat!” Rooc shouted as he enters the door of it. Remy continued walking.

 

“Eh, why not? It is not like we will be able to fight empty. Right Remy?” Hima asked as he walked over to the door of the pub. From hearing this Remy stopped walking. Hima focuses more on Remy’s head. He notices that he is crying. “I’ll meet you inside Rem.” He said as he stepped inside.

 

As he entered he panned around. Five round wooden tables are placed on the right side, each with five chairs. Wooden support beams are placed all around the pub, reaching the short ceiling. A woman came through the door in the back; she looked like she was in her late teens, dressed in a tight knee-long pink dress with frilly ends. Her blonde hair is shoulder length with multiple curls. Her white stockings are hidden underneath her black dress up shoes. In her hand she I carrying a white apron.

 

“Hey, is there anything that I can do for you?” The woman asked “Oh and my name is Kakyoku Fue. Nice to meet you both.” she continued to say with a smile.

 

“Do you own this pub?” asked Hima as she put on her apron and walked behind a wooden counter.

 

“Well, not really. You see I am the daughter of the real owner…..or was.” she replied as she lowered her head.

 

“Ah, I am sorry to hear that.” Hima answered back as he tried to look down her shirt.

 

A light-skinned man blocked Hima sight. He wore a short blew vest and baggy blue pants. His dark red shoes covered the bottom of them. His brown hair was parted to one side.

 

“Uh, hey.” Hima said with a fake smile.

 

“You tried to look down Lady Fue’s shirt. You’re a pig.” The man angrily said.

 

“Calm down Shitai. I can understand his urge from looking at my body.” Fue said while smiling.

 

“Uh no, I was just thinking of the best way to find your Delerk.” Hima smirked back.

 

“Well I am not in this years Demon Tournament so that will not help you.” Fue frowned.

 

“That is too bad. You are missing out on the fun.” Hima laughed.

 

“Hima, stop playing around. We have to find that team before they leave this town.” Rooc exclaimed.

 

“Oh yeah. Let’s go get Remy and find a place to stay. Thanks for the talk though lady.” Hima said

 

“Yes, thank you for your hospitality.” Rooc followed.

 

As they both exited through the door Fue turned and looked at Shitai.

 

“Follow them.” she ordered.

 

Hima and Rooc are seen in the busy street, surrounded by multiple people. The roar of all of their conversations can be heard clearly through Rooc’s ears.

 

“Why didn’t Remy follow us in?!” Rooc yelled.

 

“I don’t really know but can you track him through the vibrations in the ground?!” Hima asked.

 

“Naw! There are too many people walking around! Hey lets try that Inn over there!” Rooc pointed to a rundown shack, off to the corner of the major houses.

 

“Hm, seems reasonable.” Hima responded.

 

“I was playing around!” Rooc shouted.

 

As Hima entered he noticed that it had one window that faced the back. Dust and rubble littered the floor. The roof was too low to even jump in.

 

“Well I am going to bed.” Rooc declared as he tunneled a hole in the ground.

 

“Night, you bastard.” Hima retaliated as he walked outside.

 

He noticed that while the sky darkened for the upending night, less and less people are seen walking around the streets.

 

“If he is alive in the morning I am going to have to walk with him.” Hima said to himself as he climbed to the top of the shacks metal roof and lay down on his back. He looked up at the orange sky and thought.

 

“If I become King, what will happen to the sky? I don’t want to end this beauty.”

 

Remy is shown lying down on his back on the ground.

 

“Bout time to get back huh?” he asked himself.

 

As it pans out it is shown that Remy is inside a large crater that is several miles deep and wide.

 

“Hima, get your ass up!” Rooc shouted as he shook Hima awake.

 

Hima opens his eyes and takes a notice to the harsh yellow sunlight.

 

“Its morning?” Hima yawned.

 

“Where are the Delerks at?!” Rooc screamed.

 

Hima checked his left butt pocket and his face became shocked.

 

“Damnit!” Hima screamed as he jumped down from shack’s roof.

 

“Ok calm down. Let’s go ask Fue if she has seen anybody suspicious lately. I mean an Inn owner has to know some information right?” Rooc jargoned.

 

“Yeah, ok.” Hima sighed.

 

As the two entered the Inn they noticed that the place was packed. All of the tables were filled with middle aged men. The bar stools were filled with drunk twenty-one year olds. And the bar counter were being marched on by half naked women.

 

“Ok, so Fue isn’t here. Let’s check the back then.” Hima suggested as he watched nervously at the people who all seem to be having too much fun.

 

As they entered the back room Rooc noticed something.

 

“This place is empty?” Hima asked as he continues to look at the three brick walls surrounding the room.

 

“No, check the very back wall. The dirt was moved obviously.” Rooc answered as he pointed at the back wall.

 

As he walked to it, he put his head to the ground. He taps the wall and it falls out of place, on the ground. Top the astonishment to Hima, Rooc stands up.

 

“They are walking that way.” he said as he pointed to an unknown direction.

 

“Lead the way.” Hima smirked.

 

Fue and Shitai are shown walking around in a green forest filled with trees and vines. The ground is covered in moss.

 

“Isn’t this nice, Shitai? Just walking through this green forest with the lush dew on every tree?” Fue asked.

 

“Yes Lady Fue.” Shitai agreed.

 

“Oh and nice job last night on getting that brats Delerks. Now we are one step closer of me becoming Demon Queen.” she applauded.

 

“But Milady, it was your idea in the first place.” he replied.

 

“Yeah, but now we have to go meet up with that other brat, Takana right?” Fue asked.

 

“Yes Milady. Maybe we shou-“ Shitai paused.

 

“Whats wrong?” Fue worried.

 

“We are being followed.” he replied.

 

Hima and Rooc are seen running in the trees of the forest.

 

“Almost there!” Rooc declared.

 

“So, did you get into cont-“ Hima stopped talking as he got kicked in the face by Shitai. Causing him to crash the forest floor.

 

“You pests. I will exterminate you.” Shitai said coldheartedly.

 

“Damnit! No time to react, he is fast!” Rooc shouted.

 

Hima slowly gets up and brushes dirt off of himself.

 

“I thought that you weren’t interested in the Tournament, Kakyoku?” Hima asked.

 

“How dare you call me by my first name!” Fue yelled as she landed on the forest floor.

 

“So I guess that whole story about you being the daughter of the original owner was a line then?” Hima asked

 

In a blink of an eye Hima disappeared. He reappeared behind Fue.

 

“Hima Flash.” he mumbled. But before he could get by her Shitai grabbed his sword with his right hand and his other arm with his left. Rooc watched in amazement.

 

“That is impossible!” Rooc exclaimed.

 

“Nice huh? He is a really hard working servant.” Fue mocked.

 

Shitai nodded and pulled back his left arm and jams it into Hima’s stomach hard, causing him to cough up blood.

 

“Desert Hydra!” Rooc announced from behind Shitai.

 

Spikes made from rock erupt from the ground. Shitai gracefully found a way to dodge them all.

 

“Bend!” he commanded.

 

The spikes lengthened and charged at Shitai. With a flick of his wrist he gracefully jumped over them, twisting and flipping. The spikes continued onward to where ever he went, causing them to knock over and destroy trees that are in their path.

 

“Damnit! Get him!” Rooc angered.

 

Rooc noticed that his movements were to graceful, even for a seasoned fighter. He blinked and lost track of him. Rooc turned around just in time to see him punch him in the face, causing him to be launched into several trees before stopping at the base of a huge tree.

 

“I will let you handle the rest ok Shitai?” Fue asked as she jumped up into a tree.

 

“Yes Lady Fue.” he responded.

 

He walked over to Hima as he is slowly getting up.

 

“I will ride this world of your existence.” He scowled as he raised his arm. “Breaker Crash!” he yelled as he slammed his arm down, kicking up dust in the process.

 

“Hm, surprise.” smirked Remy as the dust clears. He blocked Shitai’s punch with his cane.

 

“Where the hell were you this past day?!” Hima asked as he holds his stomach.

 

“Don’t worry about it.” he replied as he focused his eyes on Shitai.

 

“More pests don’t make an army.” Shitai said as he lunges at Remy’s gut with his fist. Remy twisted his body, evading the attack and grabbing the lunged arm in the process.

 

“Remy…” Hima quivered as he watched in awe.

 

Remy pulled back Shitai’s arm and threw him high in the air.

 

“Now, let me show you why that I was gone for so long.” Remy jerked as he slammed his can into the ground hard with both of his hands. “Demon Break!”

[END of CHAPTER]

 

[Rideouter]

What do you think now?

[Rideouter]

Bump?

[Rideouter]

Added character summary. Will add more later.

[bury the year]

Lol, I just realized something. You should probably change Hima's name, because right now it's quite anvilicious. Hima (火魔) means "fire demon", a connection I only realized when you put up the summary. Not the best method for naming a character, y'know. Also, Himura is stolen from Rurouni Kenshin, so it'd be best if that was replaced. Just FYI, but...

[Rideouter]

"Hima" also means "free" and that name will be more important in later chapters. "Himura" is just a nmae that i picked up from japanese that that will also be more significant in later chapters. Sorry for the confusion.

[bury the year]

Hima doesn't mean "free" - it means leisure or relaxation. Also, the likelihood that Himura was picked randomly isn't likely. Change it, or people will notice, and not in the good way.

[Rideouter]

Oh ya i messed that up but the later chapters are still going to have the meaning "free" in them.

---

Oh and i can't prove that i found out about "Himura" in japanese class so i don't expect you to believe me.

[Kendo Fish]

Looks like this thing requires a WEATHER REPORT.

Chapter 1: A Story Worth Telling

 

Narrator: In the world of Emon there lives two races' date=' the demons and the humans. And in thi-

[b']There lives!? You mean there LIVE, or there EXIST. Something other than freakin' LIVES![/b]

(Cuts to a boy walking lazily into a town)

That was sudden. I feel extremely sad and disappointed now.

(The dark skinned teenager is dressed in an oversized blue jacket with a high raised collar. He has over sized blue pants on as well. He is carrying a huge sword on his back)

No period? EW.

Boy: Man I am tired of walking.

He talks to himself, AND neglects the existence of commas, since he didn't use one. By the way, where ARE we? In a black void? I GUESS we're in a black void.

(A man in his early 20’s with red hair, one side cut short and the other side wild and unkempt, is walking up to the boy wearing a green muscle shirt and black army pants)

Shouldn't 20's be a word in stories like this?

Man: A boy from where are you from?

*intense laughter* That is Engrish, my dear friend.

Boy: Like I will tell you.

Stubborn. Well, I'll just see WHY he's so stuborn. is there a good reason?

Man: Ha-ha bad choice (snaps his fingers and 20 men come out).First of all, this isn't even how script works. Actions don't happen like this...UNLESS I'm missing something. I dunno. Anyways, twenty MEN come out FROM HIS HAND!?!? He has a FREAKIN' huge hand. Don't people laugh instead of saying "ha-ha", especially if they're GROWN MEN? What do they look like anyways? Green army man figures, I guess. Haha kids are always fun to me. You see I am leader of the Blue Swords Gang, Polity and we don’t like kids who talk bac-

What does "Polity" even MEAN!? He basically finished the word "back" before getting cut off. Isn't the "c" silent or something?

(Boy walks past them)

 

Polity: That’s it kill that damn kid!

OH. IT'S HIS NAME. YOUR NOT-USING-COMMA-NESS CONFUSED ME. You see if you used commas we might have known it was his name you know? You know not using commas make you look amateurish you know that right?

(Two gang members charge at the boy)

Two small green army men charge at the boy!

(Boy turns his head and kicks both of them back 10 feet back)

This didn't need a whole new paragraph, now, did it?

Polity: The hell? You weaklings! How could you get beaten by a kid?!

 

Boy: (Sighs) Man I hate fighting losers. My name is Hima Himura from Teracavel. If you value your lives than leave me alone.

Hima Himura...Himura Kenshin! Awesome! He's named after Japanese crap! Wait, how do people in Black Void World know Japanese again?

Polity: HAAAAA funny how a boy can try to scare down a man! (Charges at Hima)

Who says HAAAAAA? Don't people, you know, laugh maniacally instead of just saying HA?

Hima: Fine I think ill give you roses for your funeral

Un-funny sarcasm. Well, now I think I dislike Hima, however Himura he may be.

(Polity punches at Hima)

Punches AT Hima? He doesn't...try to punch Hima in the face or the gut or something? He just punched aimlessly.

(Hima catches it as if it was nothing)

Combine with the above.

(Hima tries to kick Polity)

Combine with the above.

Polity: HAAA Your out of you league. (He catches it than punches Hima to the ground)

He doesn't catch the FOOT, he just catches IT. In this case, IT is a clown. Named It the Clown.

Hima: (Gets up) I can tell you not a normal fighter. (Takes hands out of his pockets) You see I always start fights with only using my legs to test out how powerful they are. Then I adjust to where I see fit.

"You not"? Entering the slang-spitting stereotype zone...even if he is Asian, he still has African roots, doesn't he? You not...

Polity: Ah I see, you were just testing me. Another bad mistake.

 

(Hima looks down at his jacket and notices that it is starting to deteriorate and throws his jacket away)

You pass deteriorating off as a normal, everyday event, because you fail to describe it at all.

Hima: What? Wait, you’re not human are you?

 

Polity: HAHA nope I’m 100% demon. Are you afraid now kid?

HAHA I don't normally laugh like this. Nobody does. HAHA you need a comma before kid. HAHA

Hima: (Cracks a smile) No, I’m not. (Flames sprout from Hima’s hands)

Not intense flames, licking flames, not even RED flames? You act like EVERYBODY can do this.

Polity: Just as I thought, there could be no way that you could have beaten my men and blocked my punch otherwise. You’re a Flame Demon.

Of course, it's capitalized. Just like we capitalize Human and Squirrel.

Hima: Ya good to know that I can go all out. But what is your power? I have never seen it before.

What does YA good to know mean? Is it what the stereotypical Swiss or German man says when he means "yeah"? In that case it still needs an "H" at the end.

Polity: (holds up a rock and melts almost instantly) I have the power of acidic deterioration. I can melt anything at will.

They're not fighting. Only talking. WHERE'S THE ACTION!? And where'd that rock come from? From his mouth?

Hima: Wow that’s cool. (Hima’s flames get bigger and he disappears)

All he says is "You know, that's cool". He sure is an adolescent. FIGHT ALREADY oh wait. He just disappeared. What a RIPOFF. All that buildup for THAT.

Polity: Where the hell did he go?!

 

(Hima appears behind him ready to attack)

 

Hima: Behind you.

HhehehehWRONG.

Polity: ACID COUNTER!

 

(Acid pours out in all directions hitting the rest of Polity’s men)

He's stupid, isn't he?

Hima: (looking shocked he disappeared again) I see I can’t touch you. Ha-ha well than I guess that I can show case one of my moves to you. (Hima appears and starts charging at Polity)

Showcase is one word. So much blabbering! *closes ears*

Polity: It’s useless.

 

Hima: (Starts circling polity at increasing speed then flames erupt from his hands into a tornado around Polity)

Does this actually HURT Polity very much? No. It's not ON him, it's AROUND him. Well, it IS intense heat, but come on! He's a DEMON!

Polity: What are you trying to do?

 

Hima: PYRO TORNADO!

 

(A column of flames erupt with Polity inside it getting burned by all sides)

Didn't the fire already erupt? And now that he announced the attack name it, apparently, is able to DO something! Wha?

(Hima glides down to the ground)

He wasn't already on the void-like ground?

(Polity gets up partially scorched)

 

Polity: Ha that was fun kid. Now I know that I can fight you without holding back. (Disappears)

You act like people disappear on a daily basis. In the real world.

(Hima anticipates Polity to attack)

We don't know his exact thoughts. I wish i could. That would be INTERESTING. But NNNOOOOOO. We just get some bland description.

Polity: (appears from atop of Hima) ACID FANG!

No of is necessary here. Also, was he sitting on his head? because that would be just plain ODD.

Hima: (narrowly dodges it and slides away) All right Zen I’m going to need to use your power in order to beat this guy.

Banishing of commas: success. Also, did Polity just fall onto the ground (void) or what? Where'd he fall? He was just on a HEAD a second ago.

Polity: (shocked) What? You’re going to use that sword against my acid? HAHA that has to be one of the most desperate moves I have ever seen!

 

Hima: I wouldn’t be making fun of Zen like that, he gets mad. Actually he is one of the Mihashiranokami or Three Gods that were scattered around Emon.

AAAAHHH LONG NAME! What about something shorter, like Zanpaku-to or Devil Fruit or Death Note? SOMETHING THAT WE CAN ACTUALLY REMEMBER.

Polity: Oh ya I did here about three powerful swords. But the version I heard was that they were as huge as skyscrapers. Haha nice try kid. (he charges at Hima)

Yah. I DID hear About THREE poWERful SWORDS. But THE verSION I HEARD was THAT they WERE as HUGE as SKYscraPERS. HaHA nice TRY kid. Must be how he sounds, seeing as he said "Ya".

Hima: (sighs) Go easy on him Zen.

COMMA

Polity: ACID FANG!

 

(Hima swipes it away with a slash from his sword)

 

Polity: (shocked) The hell?! I how that happened?

ENGRISH. I how that happened make no sense.

Hima: BLAZING SLASH! (Hima does a slashing motion and a beam of the slash charges at Polity while on fire)

 

Polity: Damn there is not enough time to move. ACID FANG! (He catches the slash and narrowly deflects it) (pant) (pant) Hey kid (pant) why didn’t you use this power at beginning of this fight?

(talk) (breathe) (critique) (wants commas) (pant)

Hima: Like I told you before I watch my opponent and change my fighting style where I see fit. *Man that last attacks wasted way too much denergy, I better finish him off right now*

Demon energy. How creative. So I must use henergy. squirrels must use senergy. If it's different from normal energy, what about something like demon energy instead of energy with a letter tacked on, or even DE!?

Polity: *I can only do acid claw four times a day, I’m at my limit so I better finish him before I get any weaker.* Hey Hima.

Hey this sentence needs a comma.

Hima: What?

If you're gonna finish him off, just FINISH HIM OFF!!!

Polity: Let’s say you and me finish this off huh?

 

Hima: That’s fine with me I was getting tired of looking at you anyway.

Duh I was already thinking about that but never got around to it apparently.

Polity: (charges acid in his hand)

 

Hima: (charges fire in his hand)

 

Polity: (charges at Hima) FINAL ACID FANG!

[

Hima: (finishes charging then put his right arm back having his palm face away from them then an unnecessary Enter-press appears and messes with the whole story.

burst of flame sprouts out sending Hima forward while flames sprout from his left hand)

 

Polity: DIE!

 

Hima: HEAT DRIVER! (Fire erupts from his hand in a powerful blaze and deflects Polity’s Acid Fang and goes straight to his chest)

Reminds me of racecars. Drivers who burn the road! Or something.

(Hima falls to the ground out of breathe)

Out of breathe? ENGRISH

Hima: (Pant) (Pant) Man that wasted a lot of my Denergy (Pant)

Periods shouldn't be replaced with parentheses (pant) (pant) And the parentheses should be * things anyways (pant) And is denergy capitalized or not (pant) That's like saying Energy instead of energy in the middle of a sentence (pant)

(A fallen and scorched Polity weakly gets up)

 

Polity: (Pants) It seems that you have wasted most of you Denergy right now (Pants) (Pants) I am way to weak to even melt sand. I respect your guts of goin against me. I won’t kill you…..yet.

Goin needs an apostrophe. It's either going, or something far, far ess appropriate. If he can't melt sand, HOW COULD HE HAVE MELTED THAT ROCK!?

(Polity falls through the endless abyss below him)

 

Hima: (Pants) (Pants) (weakly talks) I have to find a way to get out of here.

 

(Hima passes out)

 

(Hima wakes up nose-to-nose with an old woman)

So fast. What just happened? I can hardly keep up. And the old woman seems to be...uh...THISLADEH!!

[align=center]

Hima: Where am I?

 

Old Woman: Young men these days no manners. I’m treating the wounds you suffered with Polity wounds.

Even old ladies know Engrish.

(Hima has a shocked expression on his face)

 

Hima: You know Polity?

 

Old Woman: Ha ya I know him. I used to take care of him back when he got beat up by those street gangs. Oh and by the way my name is Rouba

Ya I know HIM. Those silly Swiss Engrish. No periods make your sentences SUCK

(Rouba turns and goes to her sink washing dishes and then turns around to see Hima getting out the bed and walking to the door)

BED!? There's a bed? You never told us this! I figured he was on the floor!

Rouba: Where the hell do you think you going?

Why the hell do old ladies say hell and start crossing into slang territory?

(Rouba throws a pot at Hima’s head)

 

Hima: Ow.

What a mean old lady. All he has to say is...ow. WHAAAAAAAAA

Rouba: Get back in bed! You need your wounds to heal!

He's his own person. he can go scathed if he wants to. But I guess Rouba would say if you have friends and if they have wounds then they ain't no friends of mine. SAFETY DANCE

Hima: Sorry I can’t rest yet. (Cracks a smile) Not until I kill a certain person and become Demon King.

No naming names yet. FORESHADOWING!!! He needs to kill...Itachi?

Rouba: (has a shocked expression on face but then turns to a smile) Oh really? And what will you do if you do become Demon King?

 

Hima: (serious face) I am going to unite the human realm and the demon realm.

 

Rouba: (Chuckles) Oh that is a pretty high level dream that you got there.

High-level dream? What kind of talk IS that? That's about as strange as "lamers" in my opinion.

Hima: (Holds up clenched fist) No, its not but I will need to get more powerful.

Yes, whenever I try to prove a point I ALWAYS raise my fist dramatically. And when I do I NEVER use apostrophes. Those cursed apostrophes![/sarcasm]

Rouba: You’re right on that one. You barely beat Polity when he wasn’t even trying.

 

Hima: (Shocked face) *Man what other demons will I run into?*

What are the asterisks there for? Is it a thought? If so, shouldn't it be in italics?

Rouba: You remind me of my late husband. He would always fight even to the point of exhalation. Always coming home covered in blood late at night asking me to “fix” him up.

Uh, exhalation is BREATHING OUT. EVERYONE ALIVE TODAY MUST EXHALE OR THEY DIE.

Hima: What happened to him?

 

Rouba: He died from a lack of Denergy. Denergy is the life force for demons, when it runs out your dead.

Information the character already know! And your should be you're. Those cursed homonyms NOBODY seems to memorize.

Hima: (grabs jacket and sword and turns head) Thanks (leaves through door)

No periods is cool

[END of CHAPTER]

PLOT: Demons live in Emon, which is actually the country of Switzerengrand, where everything is a black void and demons have Japanese and gibberish names. The Demon King - whom the viewers never learned anything about - is a title Himura - I mean, Hima - wants to get the tile and combine it with the human world, where NOT ONLY HUMANS LIVE but also squirrels, robins and bluebirds, to name a few. WAIT. this is starting to remind me of...Disgaea. Where the demon prince wants to become king but has to fight for the title, and also binds the human, demon and angel worlds through some crap I won't go in-depth about. I hope there's something unique about the two. DESCRIBE! SHOW DON'T TELL! USE MOAR (intentional misspelling) COMMAS AND PERIODS! PARAGRAPH MOAR WELL!

[Rideouter]

What do you think?

[Weather Report - Stand]

Well, three things:

 

1. Hiruma is also a guy in EYESHIELD 21!!, not just RORUNI KENSHIN!!, just so you know.

 

2. The Irou in your sig sucks badly.

 

3. Your first chapter makes no sense and is bad. Nuthin' else to it.

 

Also, I'm against your title line under your name. There are LOADS of useless cards. Like Fire Chost and M. Warrior#2. LOOK EM UP.

[Rideouter]

Ok just calm down first.

 

1. Himaura is a common name.

 

2. I knwo it sucks thank you for that.

 

3. Ok thats an honest opinion but everyone else understands it but oh well your not everybody.

[bury the year]

1. Hiruma is also a guy in EYESHIELD 21!!' date=' not just RORUNI KENSHIN!!, just so you know.

[/quote']

 

That's Hiruma. We're talking about Himura. Different thing.

 

1. Himaura is a common name.

 

Wikipedia would like to disagree.

[Rideouter]

I don't like to use wiki because people edit it too much and my japanese teachers son's name is himura. It is not that common but afew people are named that. Rurouni Kenshin just made it more iconic.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Ok just calm down first.

 

1. Himaura is a common name.

 

2. I knwo it sucks thank you for that.

 

3. Ok thats an honest opinion but everyone else understands it but oh well your not everybody.

Why should I calm down? Did I sound angry? No, but I usually do. Why am I not angry? Grr...

 

1. I was TRYIN' to imply that, even if my spelling was off. So how was I attacking you for that? OF COURSE it's a semi-common name.

 

2. THEN FIX IT, DURR. Just kidding, you don't have to. Ah, ha ha ha...

 

3. "Ok thats an honest opinion but everyone else understands it but oh well your not everybody."

 

You're speaking so fast without punctuation, it looks like YOO have to calm down, sir! Now I'm going to have to attack your stupid sentence since I didn't attack your story.

 

"Ok thats an honest opinion"

Of course it is, don't think that not spelling the simple word 'that's' easily will help dispell the fact that your story has no good plot, characters with great backstory or that THEY TELEGRAPH THEIR ATTACKS, AMONG OTHER STUPID THINGS.

 

"but everyone else understands it"

Do you mean they understand your story, or they understand what I mean? Because if you mean the first answer, that's a lie. Kendo Fish went out of her way to describe how much this story makes NO sense. So there, I rest my case.

 

"but oh well your not everybody"

RUN-ON SENTENCE MAKES YOU RESEMBLE NOOB. I can't respect authors who normally talk like this because it makes them look like lazy retards. Also this is a stupid insult. "Everybody else understands it, but you aren't everybody! HA!"

"I know, idiot. Why would I want to be EVERYBODY at the same time? That's impossible, and you fail."

*SLAPS BULLY WITH GLOVE*

"Ow..."

Do you know how to use apostrophes? I haven't seen you use them more than a few times, if any. In fact, you BARELY use any punctuation AT ALL. STOP FAILING, MAKE A GOOD FIRST CHAPTER THAT HELPS DESCRIBE BACKSTORIES AND ADDITIONAL CHARACTERS, AND RINNE IS NOT ALLOWED TO REVIVE THE DUMB-ISH ROROUNI KENSHIN ARGUEMENT!! Hiruma is a name, just like Bill, Bob, and Rinne. How would YOU like it if I made a guy in a story named RINNE?! Ha.

[bury the year]

How would YOU like it if I made a guy in a story named RINNE?!

 

I'd be flattered. Besides, Rumiko Takahashi did it, and look where she is now. :3

 

Anyways, now to the review. I still fail to see why you are using script format when paragraphs would work much better. You have a concept here, but it's rather ill-defined. It just seems like a big Tournament Arc so far, and that's really boring.

[Rideouter]

It gets more interesting later on and more chracters will be explored.

[Rideouter]

Bump. What do you think odf the new content?

[Rideouter]

Any body? Oh and I'm working on taking it off of script speech.

[Rideouter]

Does anyone want to rate the 4th chapter?

[Hima Klo]

Wow Will this is the book that you were talking about. Pretty good, when are you going to make the 5th chapter? I want to know how that he will be revived.

[Rideouter]

Thanks Klo I'm almost done with the 5th chapter.

[Kendo Fish]

Even the second time around I found a bunch of things you could fix, change, edit, ect.

 

- Why is only the fifth chapter in standard format when the other four are still in script? If you're changing the entire style of one, you might as well go all the way and change every chapter.

 

- The fifth chapter's paragraphing is off. Make a new paragraph whenever someone else speaks. Not doing so makes your writing weird-looking.

 

- You keep not putting in commas. This makes your sentences run on, like "Ha I am going to kick your *** Heat Driver!" and such. It makes the characters sound unrealistic, and too rushed.

 

- Even if said character wears a Chinese hairstyle, you feel the need to specify whether their skin was light, dark and such. Shouldn't "Chinese" be a dead ringer?

 

- Why is every character stereotypically Swiss? They all say "Ya" instead of "Yeah". I don't understand...

 

- I see you've added a BIT of description and added a better introduction and beginning, but from what I saw you'd edited basically nothing else. I feel saddened.

 

- The area still isn't described too well. I don't know what Switzengrand REALLY looks like, how the merchants look, how big the cities and towns are, WHAT ALL OF THIS JAPANESE TAMI AND SASAMI STUFF LOOKS LIKE, and so on.

 

Here are some more minor flaws I found that PERSONALLY sadden me.

 

- When Hima thinks, HE DOESN'T JUST THINK. HE SPEAKS HIS THOUGHTS. (I know that's not ALL the time, but it was notable for me in Chapter Two.) What's the point of that?

 

- In Chapter Two, I couldn't really follow anything. I think it was the script format and its excessive spacing that bothered my interest level. *shrug*

 

- I couldn't imagine that brat Remy/Shouten as anything but a mini-English dandy. Yes, with a mustache. Why's s/he ave a bowler hat anyways?

 

- Why call an attack "Dry Hippo" if it's not a gigantic rock or sand monster? What about "Fissure" or "Quake"?

 

- So demons let other demons go free into hotels...if they look cute. That's like me inviting skinny people to a party and making fat people pay ten dollars, it's just not right.

 

- Wait...if time doesn't flow in the death void of sorts, how are they moving? Can't you only move within time? I know it might be a spiritual mind thingie, but it bothers me a touch.

 

- Why does killing have to be noble? I never knew killing was noble. Even if they're demons, why do you have to kill others nobly? I still don't get how you kill nobly. Is it in battle? That's how they usually die if they're the standard battle-ready Demon King wannabes. And how is not killing nobly an endless loop?

-Person 1 is killed by Person 2.

-Person 1's Soul wants revenge on Person 2.

-Person 1's Soul SOMEHOW kills Person 2.

-Both souls kill each other again? This isn't a loop, this is nonsensical.

And if souls can kill the people that killed them, why kill in the first place if you know it'll cost you your life? How would killing "nobly" avert this consequence?

 

- A lot of training and...zero lunch breaks. Seriously. Zero lunch breaks. In a dramatic moment like that. The non-use of commas also hurt the moment for me.

 

- They're catapulted into random battles. SO. FREAKING. MUCH. I mean, do they even CHECK to see if their enemy has the second Sacred Dog Collar they need to try and become king? Where do they put them anyway?

 

I'm sorry about posting so much, but I felt like I had to comment on all of this. Don't take it too personally, don't cry, and don't request to lock this thread. You have a fan fiction to revise! THE POWER IS YOURS!! daah I hate Captain Planet.