blue eyes 96 Posted June 23, 2009 Report Share Posted June 23, 2009 profileszethron the main character is a top ranking energetic duelist and a freshmen at neo duel academy syther zethron's best friend who is also a freshmen professor chromeos a teacher at the academy that has it out for syther and zethron because he didn't want them in the academy at all as I said before this is my first fan fic so bear with me chapter 1: zethron's beginning5 years before the present datearound midnight on a rainy morningMystery man: zethronzethron: yes Mystery man: take this deck(black out)Theme Songpresent date(running)zethron: ( I cant belive I'm actually going to be at duel academy!)zethron: At least if I'm not late!Announcer: will all duelests that still need to take there neo duel academyreport to duel field 1zethron: thats me orgenizer: ok and syther with mr. ronez and last zethron with professor chromeosprofessor chromeos: your going down kid, you were lucky just to get hereDUEL START!!!!zethron: I summon my robo dragon in attack mode lay 2 cards face down and end my turn (atk 1900 def 1500) professor chromeos: thats it, my turn I'll summon my mech hero tempature zero(atk 1900 def 0 effect: when this card attacks a monster with the same or more atk points this card gains 500 atk points) now destroy his dragon (life points 3500)zethron: my turn, I summon kiaba man,but tribute him to summon my blue eyes white dragon(atk 3000 def 2500) attack his mech hero(life points 2900) end turnprofessor chromeos: your blue eyes is dead becuse I activate the spell card spell hole which destroys any monster with 1500 or more attack points and the diffrence is taken from your life points(life points 1000)now I summon grass warrior (atk 600 def 1100)attack!(life points 400)zethron: my turn I summon my gyronia the wish fulfiller(atk 500 def 500 effect: add three desired cards from your deck to your hand) I activate monster reborn and summon my blue eyes back, now I activate the field spell dragon space (raise all dragon type monsters atk by 500 and decrece there def by 400)attack his grass warrior and finish this duelprofessor chromeos: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!(life points 0)THE END!!!!!!!!!!to be continued........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted June 24, 2009 Report Share Posted June 24, 2009 I think I already know this story... YES, it's Yu-Gi-Oh GX. Don't tell me "no i made new characters hes zethron not jaden and theres no crowler bleh bleh bleh". I know they have different names, but IT'S THE SAME BASIC STORY. Face it. A kid going to Duel Academy gets a mysterious deck, someone at the academy doesn't want him going and loses to him in a duel miraculously. Oh, and the guy at the school uses giant fighting robots of some sort. DON'T TELL ME ANCIENT GEARS ARE NOT GIANT FIGHTING ROBOTS. Trust me, they are. Also, I know that this is your first story, but would it kill you to ADD ACTUAL GRAMMAR AND CAPITALIZATION? Even in my first fan fiction when I was eight years old or something, I used full sentences. I capitalized. I didn't describe too much, but YOU SHOULD DESCRIBE. I didn't even bother to read all of this because I already knew what would happen. Don't rip off. Be... ORIGNAL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 ORIGNAL I assume that typo was intentional. 1) If I were you' date=' I would not accept [i']anything[/i] from a creepy middle-aged man.2) From which of the nine hells did you get "Zethron" from?3) Scriptspeak's only for movies. Keep it that way.4) To my knowledge, they're all blobs in a blob room. EDIT: around midnight on a rainy morning The feck? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue eyes 96 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 ok first of all I know this part is like gx but it IS going to be different and second MIDNIGHT IS MORNING!!!!!!! and mech heroes aren't "GIANT ROBOTS" and why is "kendo fish" always on my back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crystal Beast 123 Posted June 30, 2009 Report Share Posted June 30, 2009 As Kendo said, this is Yu-Gi-Oh GX with new names. Don't deny it. But I'll still review it Weather Report Style! as I said before this is my first fan fic so bear with meNope. No bearing today. You're gonna get it this time' date=' hard.[/color'] chapter 1: zethron's beginning Please Capitalize. 5 years before the present date Please punctuate. around midnight on a rainy morning Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. Mystery man: zethron Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. zethron: yes Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. Mystery man: take this deck Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. (black out) Huh? This dude randomly blacked out?!?! Theme Song What!? What theme song? present date Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. (running)zethron: ( I cant belive I'm actually going to be at duel academy!)Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. zethron: At least if I'm not late!Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. Please bond the two above sentences into one Speech. Announcer: will all duelests that still need to take there neo duel academy report to duel field 1 Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. zethron: thats me Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. orgenizer: ok and syther with mr. ronez and last zethron with professor chromeos Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. professor chromeos: your going down kid, you were lucky just to get here Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. DUEL START!!!!zethron: I summon my robo dragon in attack mode lay 2 cards face down and end my turn Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. (atk 1900 def 1500) professor chromeos: thats it, my turn I'll summon my mech hero tempature zero(atk 1900 def 0 effect: when this card attacks a monster with the same or more atk points this card gains 500 atk points) Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. now destroy his dragon (life points 3500)zethron: my turn, I summon kiaba man,but tribute him to summon my blue eyes white dragon Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. (atk 3000 def 2500) Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. attack his mech heroPlease Capitalize. Please punctuate. (life points 2900) Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. end turnPlease Capitalize. Please punctuate. professor chromeos: your blue eyes is dead becuse I activate the spell card spell hole which destroys any monster with 1500 or more attack points and the diffrence is taken from your life pointsPlease Capitalize. Please punctuate. (life points 1000)Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. now I summon grass warrior Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. (atk 600 def 1100)Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. attack!Please Capitalize. (life points 400)Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. zethron: my turn I summon my gyronia the wish fulfiller Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. (atk 500 def 500 effect: add three desired cards from your deck to your hand) Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. I activate monster reborn and summon my blue eyes back, now I activate the field spell dragon space (raise all dragon type monsters atk by 500 and decrece there def by 400)Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. attack his grass warrior and finish this duel Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. professor chromeos: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. (life points 0) Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. THE END!!!!!!!!!!to be continued........ Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. That was easy. I didn't bother even checking it for detail, it was practically unreadable. Shall I say it one final time? Please Capitalize. Please punctuate. You used absolutely zero punctuation. None at all. I laugh at your pitiful attempt at creativity. Stop trying, before you and other's eyes get hurt. Have a nice day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted June 30, 2009 Report Share Posted June 30, 2009 Sorry, but this shall go down in history as the one where the three "Weather Reporters"(?!?!) have all gone on to attack a story(for the better? At least I'll try to give advice)profilesProfiles? Ew! That makes stories(IMO)look like you're too lazy to properly introduce people! Unless you did when I wasn't looking later on in this post...oh well. Let's take a look...zethron the main character is a top ranking energetic duelist and a freshmen at neo duel academy*Spits out coffee at a nearby lama making it run into town and crash into a building which falls over onto a hospital which explodes* WHA-WHA-WHA-WHAT THE HEEEEECK?!?! Now you know it's a sin not to fix this' date=' Mr. "blue eyes 96". I bet your mom doesn't even know you put 96 into your username. I'm gonna dissect this sentence myself. zethron(random name, no capitals) the main character(Okay, we could already tell) is a top ranking(well, every main character is, so let's go with tha--) energetic(okay, kid, stop now. Put in a period--) and a freshmen at neo duel academy(You spelled freshman wrong. Now he's three people running around, thanks a lot. And why did they have to build a second one with 'Neo' in the front? That makes it sound sleazy and stuff. NO NEO, SOUNDS DUMB). Well, that wasn't TOO bad, WAS IT?![/color'] syther zethron's best friend who is also a freshmen So he's just a boring guy with nothing going for him except being a filler character. This is just as good as saying "bob bob is a guy with a m on his hat". This isn't a profile. Profiles should have birth dates, favorite stuffs, dislikes, but not "best friend who is also a freshmen". professor chromeos a teacher at the academy that has it out for syther and zethron because he didn't want them in the academy at allWhat kind of guy is so mean to act like that to kids for no good reason? as I said before this is my first fan fic so bear with meDude, I can't even bear with your NORMAL posts. If you want to be a good writer(or at least sub-par) then break the n00b habit. They have patches for those, I think. chapter 1: zethron's beginningWhy do you hate capital letters so much?For now on, people like you will be CAPITAL HATERS. And they may also, like you, be PUNCTUATION HATERS. BAM!5 years before the present dateWhat if I read this YESTERDAY. Would it take place then AND now?around midnight on a rainy morningMorning: the time period between dawn and noon; as described by Google. Midnight is one of those "moony times" without the sun(or dawn). So, contrary to "popular" belief, you're wrong.Mystery man: zethronWAIT. STOP. I'm not even 5 sentences in and I'm ALREADY stumped. *Inhale* What'sthemysterymanlooklikewhat'sZethronlooklikewherearetheywhyaretheytherewhyaretheythereATMIDNIGHTwhyisthisinscriptformatwhichlooksretarded *breathes deeply*zethron: yes Don't hate: PUNCTUATE!!Mystery man: take this deckDo you even KNOW what this guy's DONE to that deck?! EW!!(black out)Hooray! Blind! Now I don't have to review this!Theme SongTheme song written by: The WigglesFruit salad,Yummy yummy Fruit salad,Yummy yummy Fruit salad,Yummy yummy Yummy yummy yummy yummy Fruit salad! [x8] Fruit salad,Yummy yummypresent dateSo... if I read this yesterday AND today...(running)zethron: ( I cant belive I'm actually going to be at duel academy!) I can't believe you can't spell 'can't'!zethron: At least if I'm not late!At least you stupidly made him use two lines of dialogue for no reason! And "At least if I'm not late!" makes no sense. "At least if I'm not late"... what will happen, then, if you're late?Announcer: will all duelests that still need to take there neo duel academy report to duel field 1Where is he running to if he's already there? Unless he heard the announcement all across the city and teleported over to the school!!zethron: thats me thats bad lookingorgenizer: ok and syther with mr. ronez and last zethron with professor chromeosprofessor chromeos: your going down kid, you were lucky just to get here Um, so there were other people in this... place? And where's the organizer? And does Chromeos look like this? DUEL START!!!!Are they already in the dueling field? NO WAY!!zethron: I summon my robo dragon in attack mode lay 2 cards face down and end my turnOkay. Jo and Robo Dragon look like... Yeah, that's Robo Dragon in the front. (atk 1900 def 1500) professor chromeos: thats it, my turn I'll summon my mech hero tempature zero(atk 1900 def 0 effect: when this card attacks a monster with the same or more atk points this card gains 500 atk points) Gosh these people sound so weird. Imagine:Bob walks into a house and sees his friend May. "hey may how are you" he asks."Um, Bob, are you feeling alright?" now destroy his dragon Blah blah-blah blah blah. I'M NOT LISTENING IF IT'S NOT TYPED CORRECTLY!! (life points 3500)zethron: my turn, I summon kiaba man,but tribute him to summon my blue eyes white dragonWow, blue eyes 69. I'm suprised you made your character use Blue-Eyes White Dragon, blue eyes 69.(atk 3000 def 2500) attack his mech hero"ATTACK HIS MECH HERO," Robot-Man said. Commas make things shine.(life points 2900) end turnWHOOSAIDDAT?! You're not even using script right, you put the guys' names before EVERY bit of speech. Seriously, type right or type not.professor chromeos: your blue eyes is dead becuse I activate the spell card spell hole which destroys any monster with 1500 or more attack points and the diffrence is taken from your life pointsSo he said that all in one breath? He's super-human.(life points 1000)We don't even see the monsters explode or the spells do stuff? COME ON. I made my first Pokemon fan fic when I was 6. I had better grammar and better spelling than you do HERE. Even if the story was just as bad as yours.now I summon grass warrior Is this Grass Warrior? (atk 600 def 1100)attack! Use Razor Leaf!!(life points 400)zethron: my turn I summon my gyronia the wish fulfiller Culd it be... (atk 500 def 500 effect: add three desired cards from your deck to your hand) Dude! THAT ABILITY IS TOO CHEAP. FOR NO SACRIFICE OR COSTS?! YOU SUCK!! In the best way possible.I activate monster reborn and summon my blue eyes back, now I activate the field spell dragon space (raise all dragon type monsters atk by 500 and decrece there def by 400)And Dragon Space is... attack his grass warrior and finish this duelprofessor chromeos: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!(life points 0)THE END!!!!!!!!!!So the chapter ends without us seeing what happens next?! THAT IS SO STUPID.to be continued........Okay. You obviously never used any grammar or capital letters, but your lack of description made it impossible to understand anything. Your pacing was terrible. Your cards were uncreative. Your main character could have built a deck that was even better than the one he used. We never got to see any thought process, just action. NOT ONCE DID WE GET TO SEE HOW THEY DECIDED STUFF. You put next-to-no effort into this crap and it shall remain crap until you give a damn and fix AT LEAST SOMETHING. But if you just leave it as it is... All pictures used in this review were taken from Google. All rights are kinda preserved in a way I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted June 30, 2009 Report Share Posted June 30, 2009 NOW IT'S TIME FOR YET ANOTHER WEATHER REPORT!!!!!profilesMan I hate these. It just proves that one's too lazy to properly intoduce their characters.zethronas everyone else said' date=' random name out of nowhere.[/b'] the main characteras everyone else said, duh is a top ranking energetic duelist and a freshmen As Weather Report#2 said, I'm glad to see three different main characters running around... or are they just blobs?at neo'neo'? not even 'Neo'? duel academy syther zethron's best friend who is also a freshmenAnother three blobs! professor chromeos a teacher at the academy that has it out for syther and zethron because he didn't want them in the academy at all"Anceint Gear Golem! Take out this imposter!" [spoiler=Your reveiw]as I said before this is my first fan fic so bear with me*snort*Fat chance, but I'll try. chapter 1: zethron's beginning5 years before the present datearound midnight on a rainy morningMidnight... and Morning at the same time?Mystery man: zethronzethron: yes Not even a 'Who are you?'?Mystery man: take this deckA strangly sinisterly nice guy huh?(black out)Theme SongWhat theme song? Oh right, it's already been released.present date(running)zethron: ( I cant belive I'm actually going to be at duel academy!)zethron: At least if I'm not late!Announcer: will all duelewtf? duelests?sts that still need to take there neo duel academy.report to duel field 1zethron: thats me orgenizer: ok and syther with mr. ronez and last zethron with professor chromeosprofessor chromeos: your going down kid, you were lucky just to get hereDUEL START!!!!zethron: I summon my robo dragon in attack mode lay 2 cards face down and end my turn (atk 1900 def 1500) professor chromeos: thats it, my turn I'll summon my mech hero tempature zero(atk 1900 def 0 effect: when this card attacks a monster with the same or more atk points this card gains 500 atk points) now destroy his dragon (life points 3500)zethron: my turn, I summon kiaba man,but tribute him to summon my blue eyes white dragon(atk 3000 def 2500) attack his mech hero(life points 2900) end turnprofessor chromeos: your blue eyes is dead becuse I activate the spell card spell hole which destroys any monster with 1500 or more attack points and the diffrence is taken from your life points(life points 1000)now I summon grass warrior (atk 600 def 1100)attack!(life points 400)zethron: my turn I summon my gyronia the wish fulfiller(atk 500 def 500 effect: add three desired cards from your deck to your hand) I activate monster reborn and summon my blue eyes back, now I activate the field spell dragon space (raise all dragon type monsters atk by 500 and decrece there def by 400)attack his grass warrior and finish this duelprofessor chromeos: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!(life points 0)THE END!!!!!!!!!!to be continued........ I've done what could, horrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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