Kendo Fish Posted June 23, 2009 Report Share Posted June 23, 2009 As people have said, the prologue is a bad hook. The first chapter should be better. I was just rushing on this. Not saying you should really expect anything insanely special... I thought of this idea as i was doodling people...and, well, that's all I have to say. Enjoy? Rated PG-13, I guess, for mild language. [spoiler=Prologue]As Lyndsey wrote in her diary that day... Dear Diary... Bored, bored, bored...bored bored boredbored bored boredboredBORED!!! Does this trip ever end?I think I'll fall over if I have to stand up any longer! especially when they're talking for as long as this.I hope I never go on a trip like this again.And this place is scary...I mean, there are supernatural happenings here! What kind of place is that for a class of eight-graders!?!?OWW! My head hurts now. Can't write much more. Burning. Telling the teacher. ~ Lyndsey Nolan Woah, that's not very long. Comments on this so far...!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 Out of every 8.9 words in that prologue, one of them is "bored". Too short; needs more. It's a bad hook, with no view otherwise into what turns the story will take other than it being "supernatural". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted June 27, 2009 Report Share Posted June 27, 2009 Agreed.If the character's scared, write about the happenings, and if she's brave, write about what happened anyway, and then none of the words would be 'bored', unless-I was so bored until, ________Okay, I've had enough of this, just when I was starting to get bored, __________ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted June 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2009 I realized it was a bad prologue some time after typing it. I think I should have started with the first chapter, which isn't even done yet. O_O I still have the basic plot figured out, only it needs some straightening out and such. But I have a lot of free typing time this week, so yah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted June 29, 2009 Report Share Posted June 29, 2009 I can see a bright future for this story.Keep working on it, you've got me hooked, but maybe retype the prolouge.My story's only got the prolouge up, and the first chaper isn't finished yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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