Mehmani Posted June 23, 2009 Report Share Posted June 23, 2009 LOCK Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted June 23, 2009 Report Share Posted June 23, 2009 Since this is a preview, the lack of description is acceptable, but I THINK you capitalize too much. One example is "Who's up for some more Cider?" instead of just "Who's up for some more cider?". There's also "The Rowdy teenagers," where Rowdy should be lowercased. But as a PG-16 fan fiction about a children's card game, it could really go somewhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted June 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2009 Since this is a preview' date=' the lack of description is acceptable, but I THINK you capitalize too much. One example is "Who's up for some more Cider?" instead of just "Who's up for some more Cider?". There's also "The Rowdy teenagers," where Rowdy should be lowercased. But as a PG-16 fan fiction about a children's card game, it could really go somewhere.[/quote'] Thank you, I appreciate the comments. Lol at last sentence. Just wait until Chapter One... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted June 24, 2009 Report Share Posted June 24, 2009 Wait! I meant to lowercase cider. Me shall edit that nao. Anyways, i appreciate you appreciating my comments. Now to make a miniscule edit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted June 25, 2009 Report Share Posted June 25, 2009 Lol. Cider. I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE. Interesting, but way too short to fuel my imagination. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted June 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 26, 2009 Lol. Cider. I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE. Interesting' date=' but way too short to fuel my imagination.[/quote'] Yeah, I'll update it tomorrow. Jeez, I'm worried that the word "hooker" is too rude (no, there will be no hooker stuff, just one of the characters gets called that as a wind-up in Chapter 1). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted June 27, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 27, 2009 BUMP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted June 27, 2009 Report Share Posted June 27, 2009 Seeing as you PMed me about you adding the first chapter, you seem quite enthusiastic about this story. But beware: it's only adequate. DUN DUN DUN!!! It looks like you're still capitalizing too much (do they do that in England? I'm from the United States, so I wouldn't know). Things like "jazz music" should be lowercased, as should music teachers, massage, makeup table and interrogator don't have to be capitalized, either. All of this capitalization makes it harder for me to read, too. Also, there was hardly any description. Seeing as they shout "Bloody!" and there's Yu-Gi-Oh! in the title they're in an alternate-reality England where everyone plays children's card games. But what does the pub look like? Is it crowded? Are people playing children's card games or are they just drinking? What's everyone look like? I didn't really understand what was going on. Do people really go to attractive womens' houses without even five minutes of conversation? I thought it was just America. Oh well. And there's something about an interrogator, and massaging, and, and - I'm not sure, unfortunately. The lack of description really didn't ease me into the action, causing me to skip over some potentially-important stuff. Therefore, what you really need to do is describe. THEN I will probably get it more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted June 28, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 28, 2009 Seeing as you PMed me about you adding the first chapter' date=' you seem quite enthusiastic about this story. But beware: it's only adequate. DUN DUN DUN!!! It looks like you're still capitalizing too much (do they do that in England? I'm from the United States, so I wouldn't know). Things like "jazz music" should be lowercased, as should music teachers, massage, makeup table and interrogator don't have to be capitalized, either. All of this capitalization makes it harder for me to read, too. Also, there was hardly any description. Seeing as they shout "Bloody!" and there's Yu-Gi-Oh! in the title they're in an alternate-reality England where everyone plays children's card games. But what does the pub look like? Is it crowded? Are people playing children's card games or are they just drinking? What's everyone look like? I didn't really understand what was going on. Do people really go to attractive womens' houses without even five minutes of conversation? I thought it was just America. Oh well. And there's something about an interrogator, and massaging, and, and - I'm not sure, unfortunately. The lack of description really didn't ease me into the action, causing me to skip over some potentially-important stuff. Therefore, what you really need to do is [b']describe.[/b] THEN I will probably get it more. Over-capitalisation is a slight habit. Yeah, I must improve description. But, it's actually set in America, it's just because I happen to be English, I use English words such as "Mum" instead of "Mom" or "Pub". Notice that the Girl's name was Roberta Izayoi? CWATIDIDTHAR? It is set before 5D's, she has mind control-style psychic powers. She is a distant relative of Aki. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted June 29, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2009 BUMP. I won't write "Bloody" any more. Dunno what to use instead, what do you Americans use? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted June 29, 2009 Report Share Posted June 29, 2009 A very curious idea — treating DA like a real school in a real world — that is all but ruined by bad grammar. Punctuation goes inside quotation marks, you're capitalizing everywhere... Oh, and listen to Kendo Fish. (S)he seems to know what (s)he's talking about. "The way she said nice made feel creeped out a bit,"? C'mon. You can do better than that. What about the way she said 'nice?' How did he feel 'creeped out?' 'Creeped' isn't a word, so you'll need to change the sentence anyway. For the record, this is less British writing and more Haaris/Stardust syndrome, or whatever his most recent name was. Personally, I find "bloody" works fine. Certainly better than "damned." Bleeding or cursed, which would you rather be? Ranma is damned. Zelgadis is damned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted June 29, 2009 Report Share Posted June 29, 2009 I skimmed it and thought it was pretty good. You yourself talked about the capitalization problems, but I like damn instead of bloody in American stories. Or you can leave that area of a sentence empty (ex. What's the _____ problem?!). Without the big spaces. I want to see how this psychic thing goes, how much Asian blood does this girl have, and keep up the green work(green means go! Red means stop...). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted June 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 30, 2009 A very curious idea — treating DA like a real school in a real world — that is all but ruined by bad grammar. Punctuation goes inside quotation marks' date=' you're capitalizing everywhere... Oh, and listen to Kendo Fish. (S)he seems to know what (s)he's talking about. "The way she said nice made feel creeped out a bit,"? C'mon. You can do better than that. What about the way she said 'nice?' How did he feel 'creeped out?' 'Creeped' isn't a word, so you'll need to change the sentence anyway. For the record, this is less British writing and more Haaris/Stardust syndrome, or whatever his most recent name was. Personally, I find "bloody" works fine. Certainly better than "damned." Bleeding or cursed, which would you rather be? [i']Ranma[/i] is damned. Zelgadis is damned. Yeah, I'll improve it as much as possible. Thanks for the comments, guys. The first duel will be in the MSF (Maximum Security Facililty) Jesse gets sent to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted July 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2009 BUMP. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 3, 2009 Report Share Posted July 3, 2009 I rather enjoyed the second, raunchy chapter. Great detail of crappy stuff(literally, you mentioned 'human waste' in two different spots even if it was a liquid both times), I got to understand some guys' personalities, and it sets up what's happening in the near-future. Sadly, it's TOO SHORT. That left me sad after just 1 1/2 minutes of reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted July 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2009 I rather enjoyed the second' date=' raunchy chapter. Great detail of crappy stuff(literally, you mentioned 'human waste' in two different spots even if it was a liquid both times), I got to understand some guys' personalities, and it sets up what's happening in the near-future. Sadly, it's TOO SHORT. That left me sad after just 1 1/2 minutes of reading.[/quote'] It was written while my sister was attempting to electrocute me with a weak taser that I carry around with me as an emergency defence, so I that certainly had some effect on the matter (oh, I bought the taser in France while on a School Trip and smuggled it on the coach trip home) as a token of apology I will update it tomorrow or Sunday instead of whenever I feel like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted July 3, 2009 Report Share Posted July 3, 2009 What a coincidence, I LOVE tasers! Well, you COULD just add ch. 3 to ch. 2 and call it ch. 2. And then you'd call ch. 4 ch. 3 and ect. Or you could leave it short. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted July 4, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2009 Hmmm, I suppose. It's actually hidden inside a Laser Pointer and is powerful enough to make you convulse on the floor for a couple of minutes, but only if you jab them in the neck. I might update it today... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted July 9, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2009 BUMP. Fic updated, I think this chapter is my best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted July 13, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 BUMP!!!!! Please rate people. I'm getting really bored waiting -.-. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryno Dorcus Posted July 13, 2009 Report Share Posted July 13, 2009 I like it. Good Work. Keep it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted July 16, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2009 Thanks for the comments. BUMP. Of course, I will update it soonish, maybe Saturday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted July 24, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2009 RATE NOW!!!! BUMP! Seriously people, someone look! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted July 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 Updated with a new chapter. BUMP as well. When will you people just review?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted September 1, 2009 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2009 FOUR POSTS IN A ROW!!!!???? Bump. Can someone please rate? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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