DeREVOLUTION Posted June 17, 2009 Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 Plot: 3 Young duelists enter the Land of Despair. They must find cards and battle “Key Keepers” to get there key’s and open the door back to the real world. If they lose a duel, they get locked in the Chaos World. Characters:1- John Win2- Hank Rip3- Carl Read Key Keepers:------- To be a key keeper:Name:Appearance:Sig Card:Sig Deck:Bio: Chapter 1 part 1: John was so excited, today was his first tournament duel and he was shuffling his deck in the hall. A strange man just then bumped into him causing John to drop his cards. The strange man apologized and left. One card fell into a near by room. When John went to go get it, a strong force pushed him into another room. The door opened and John was in the world known as the “Lost of Despair”. Chapter 1 part 2: "Where am I?" John responded as he got up. He was in a dark forest, that felt like it lasted forever. John was confused and scared. John started walking into the deeper parts of the forest. "Hello?!" John yelled, as he gotten further into the forest. After many hours of walking, John was finally out of the forest! Just then, he noticed smoke in the distance. "Smoke?" John said, "SMOKE?!" he said louder. John couldn't believe his eyes, someone else was in this green chaotic world! He ran into the distance of the nearby smoke... Chapter 1 part 3: John finally got to the smoke. He noticed a short chubby man standing by, eating fruits off the land. John lunged at him, confused and hungry. "Who are you!?!" the chubby man said. "Who are YOU!?" said John. Then John noticed that it was Carl, a boy he met at school one day, everyone thought Carl was missing. "Carl!?" said John, "JOHN!?! How did you get here!?" said Carl... Chapter 1 part 4: "I fell through this door, and I ended up here!" said John. "Here, let me explain" Carl said as he sighed. "I was just starting my dueling career, and some strange man bumped me into a door, getting me here." said Carl. "Same here!" said John, "Did he have a black robe and a mask on?" John asked. "Ya! Someone must wanted us to meet here..." Carl said. "I have been stuck at this place for weeks. When I try to leave the forest, I end up back here!" said Carl. Just then, a loud speaker came out of nowhere. "Will John Win and Carl Read enter the forest" said the mysterious voice. "What was that?" said John, "Our ticket out of here" said Carl as they ran for the forest... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeREVOLUTION Posted June 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 BUMP: PLEASE COMMENT!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.:Traceur:. Posted June 18, 2009 Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 hmm...i like the idea...just the chapter is too short...put more details and describe more...this could be good..^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted June 18, 2009 Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 The chapter is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too short. It's also WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too undescriptive. Who's John? What's the hall look like? How'd the man apologize? Did he say "Sorry, kid" and run away, or was he more polite? What did the force feel like? What is this "Lost of Despair"? if it has no despair, shouldn't it be a happy peppy realm where there is no sorrow? Nonetheless, I see a bright future for Chaos Countdown... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeREVOLUTION Posted June 18, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2009 Chapters 2 and 3 are added! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeREVOLUTION Posted June 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2009 BumpUpMyPwn'g Thread Also added Chapter 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeadshotMagnet Posted June 19, 2009 Report Share Posted June 19, 2009 Hi akoogie the chapters, yes, are way too short. (srry) and all 4 chapters could have been made into 1 chapter. other than that, its ok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeREVOLUTION Posted June 19, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2009 ^Thanks for posting. I might change the 4 chapters into parts. What do you think of the storyline? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeadshotMagnet Posted June 19, 2009 Report Share Posted June 19, 2009 its pretty good and the story might go somewhere, but ya make longer chapters and be more discriptive and u will have a better fan fic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaisu Posted June 19, 2009 Report Share Posted June 19, 2009 its pretty good and the story might go somewhere' date=' but ya make longer chapters and be more discriptive and u will have a better fan fic[/quote'] ^This.GLad you moved this into FF.Chapters are too short, and needs more description.Who is John? How old is he? What does he look like? Same with Carl.Could have a bright future, oh and it's exclaimed, not said whewn they yell or whatnot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DARKPLANT RISING Posted June 21, 2009 Report Share Posted June 21, 2009 The chapters are too short, as everyone says. And you need to add detail. I can't see how everybody looks like, or how the forest is like. Stop the scene and give it details to make it better. This isn't Anime or Comic, so you'll have to describe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weather Report - Stand Posted June 21, 2009 Report Share Posted June 21, 2009 Okay. My sis told me about this story and I just HAD to review it. Plot: 3 Young duelists enter the Land of Despair. They must find cards and battle “Key Keepers” to get there key’s and open the door back to the real world. If they lose a duel' date=' they get locked in the Chaos World.That plot's been done SOO many times, but this were all broken up into several different stories I've seen. Think more outside the box, buddy. Chapter 1 part 1: John was so excited, today was his first tournament duel and he was shuffling his deck in the hall. A strange man just then bumped into him causing John to drop his cards. The strange man apologized and left. One card fell into a near by room. When John went to go get it, a strong force pushed him into another room. The door opened and John was in the world known as the “Lost of Despair”....WHAAAAAAAAAA?! So. We don't know what John even IS. So...John the white blob was so excited...A strange blob just then bumped into him...And this beginning is too stupid for words. So a blob in a blank, empty hallway tries to pick up a card while running to the 'Blob Town Yu-Gi-Oh Tournament' and is pulled into a MYSTICAL DEMON DOOR!! OOOOH!! Yeah. RIIIIGHT. You're too proud of your story. Even though you've been told SEVERAL times, you refuse to make more than minor chapter title edits. Just get rid of the 'Part' thing. It's annoying. Make REAL characters and a REAL setting, 'cuz Blob Town's a scary place.And JUST like Kendo said, Lost of Despair is a happy place. Not scary at all. WHAT A MELODRAMATIC NAME. LAND OF DESPAIR. HA HA HA. Shouldn't we learn the name LATER? Does John-Blob scream while falling, does he fall into a black void? Aw, now see what you made me do, son? I just wrote more complaints than you actually typed up here. That ain't good. Chapter 1 part 2: "Where am I?" John responded as he got up. He was in a dark forest, that felt like it lasted forever. John was confused and scared. John started walking into the deeper parts of the forest. "Hello?!" John yelled, as he gotten further into the forest. After many hours of walking, John was finally out of the forest! Just then, he noticed smoke in the distance. "Smoke?" John said, "SMOKE?!" he said louder. John couldn't believe his eyes, someone else was in this green chaotic world! He ran into the distance of the nearby smoke...THANK YOU. THE BLOB-BOY'S IN A FOREST. But your pacing STILL sucks. We don't see any of his worried thoughts and we just fast-forward though his greatest time of need. He doesn't question what just happened, so he just accepts that his luck sucks. DUDE, GET REALISTIC ABOUT THIS BLOB. Every blob needs more going for him. Some blobs are fast, some blobs are smart, and some blobs get scared. They're only human--I mean blobs. Chapter 1 part 3: John finally got to the smoke. He noticed a short chubby man standing by, eating fruits off the land. John lunged at him, confused and hungry. "Who are you!?!" the chubby man said. "Who are YOU!?" said John. Then John noticed that it was Carl, a boy he met at school one day, everyone thought Carl was missing. "Carl!?" said John, "JOHN!?! How did you get here!?" said Carl...Why is a fat man his classmate? I mean, humans can't go to BLOB school, ha ha ha. But really, you called him a man. Does he...stalk him? Does he...sit in the back of the class so nobody notices him? And I guess he's naked, bald and has no striking features, like eyes. WHY DO YOU REFUSE TO GO OVER THIS CRAP AND MAKE IT BETTER?! Chapter 1 part 4: "I fell through this door, and I ended up here!" said John. "Here, let me explain" Carl said as he sighed. "I was just starting my dueling career, and some strange man bumped me into a door, getting me here." said Carl. "Same here!" said John, "Did he have a black robe and a mask on?" John asked. "Ya! Someone must wanted us to meet here..." Carl said. "I have been stuck at this place for weeks. When I try to leave the forest, I end up back here!" said Carl. Just then, a loud speaker came out of nowhere. "Will John Win and Carl Read enter the forest" said the mysterious voice. "What was that?" said John, "Our ticket out of here" said Carl as they ran for the forest...So I guess this kinda thing's normal for blob people. You see a guy falling in a huge void. A blob easily overtakes him while falling. "Hey, blob!" the guy smiles! "It's been AGES!""I know! How're the kids?"Should they be this excited to be trapped in this lame plot? And why did it take you WEEKS to decide what the mask-man was wearing? Why didn't anybody turn in a missing person form for Carl? And you forgot, time and time again...NEW PARAGRAPH FOR NEW SPEAKER, MEH!! LISTEN to what the people have been telling you. Go over this piece of pink, anime crap or leave it to die and never update it again. I'm being this harshly because YOU HAVE DONE NEXT TO NOTHING FOR THE PEOPLE. So many, many people have said that there's potential in here. But not if the author's too lazy and arrogant to fix more than two or three of his mistakes. If it STARTS like this for so long, it ENDS like this in the middle in obscurity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeREVOLUTION Posted June 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 21, 2009 ^Lots of harsh words huh? Anyway, i have given up on this fan-fic last night. I will get this locked Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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