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Digimon: Hopeless Paradise (Discontinued)

Phantom Roxas

By Phantom Roxas
in Creative Writing

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Yankee Apprentice

Yankee

Posted
Posted

Gasp!

 

Roxas has rebelled against canon!

 

Fenrir' date=' Yank seize him! He must be punished.

 

*Waves a stick threatingly*

 

Honestly, I just want to poke someone with a stick.

 

 

Sue me. =/

[/quote']

 

I can't...

I'm a co-writer/helper

I sort of knew about all this already...XD

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CrabHelmet Newbie

CrabHelmet

Posted
Posted

The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud.

 

Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

Actually, with any luck, this one will be better than my usual fare. I'm here by Phantom Roxas's own request. All I know from a quick skim of it is that is actually has good spelling and grammar and that the first scene of the Battlestar Galactica 2003 pilot pretty much happens in it. So, I'll be reviewing this blind, and I'm not sure whether I want this to be good (so that I'll actually survive this reading) or bad (so that I'll actually have something funny to say).

 

Let's begin.

 

30 years ago, a group of scientists endeavored to create an alternate plain of existence.

 

Aw, just when I said you were using proper spelling and grammar, you had to go and do this in the first sentence. The word you're looking for is "plane". Remember, you are a Planeswalker who draws white mana from plains.

 

Unless, of course, the scientists' goal was to create an alternate savana. I'm going to assume that that was the case, and the result was the creation of the Pridelands, ruled by Mufasa.

 

This group was called "Paradiso". The few inhabitants they initially placed into this program were of varied levels. Over time, the mysterious creatures - named Digimon, a combination of the words "Digital" and "Monsters" - strangely developed, gaining sentient minds.

 

Everyone was amazed when that Meerkatmon and Warthogmon learned to sing in both English and Swahili.

 

The digitally-engineered world, which was unsurprisingly named the "Digital World",

 

The scientists called themselves "Paradiso". You can't expect them to come up with imaginative names.

 

soon began to increase in size as well. It was initially created to be 100 meters in length, but soon it began to increase to be exactly the same size of our own world. "Paradiso" added a small program, dubbed "Yggdrasil", to their creation, hoping to add stability to the program.

 

Wait, the best name they could come up with for the digital world was "Digital World", but for this small balancing program they came up with a name that looks like it should belong to one of Cthulhu's incomprehensible Great Old One friends?

 

Soon the ambitions of "Paradiso" received many questions, placing the group within the center of much controversy.

 

They have brought many monsters to the Digital World,

Whose life did the vast Pridelands fill.

Did this in Paradiso seem ambitious?

When that the plain hath grown, Paradiso hath balanced it.

Ambition should be made of sterner stuff.

Yet Brutus says he was ambitious,

And Brutus is an honorable man.

 

The leader of the project, Allen Fenrir, said his dream was to create another realm of existence so as to create a paradise for humans to live in.

 

I'm thinking he lost track of that goal around the time he decided that Step 2 of this cunning plan was "Fill the alternate realm with monsters". It's sort of like how the Umbrella Corporation always seems to overlook the fact that creating a world-destroying virus just isn't a terribly viable business plan.

 

While the technology was available to create the program itself, their was no known technology for people to become a part of the program successfully yet.

 

Maybe they would have invented that technology if they had poured their resources into inventing it instead of into inventing artificial monsters?

 

Beta Testers signed up to participate in a Virtual Reality Simulator to test the safety of living within the world, but the Beta Testers died of unknown causes. As such, "Paradiso" was dissolved and the "Digital World Project" was terminated.

 

It's like the old saying goes: If at first you don't succeed, try again unless your beta testers are dead.

 

Allen Fenrir's career was in shambles, and the man soon disappeared.

 

Well, if that's not a plot hook, then I don't know what is.

 

Despite termination, the Digital World still continued to develop. Was it a glitch, or a fail-safe program within that prevented permanent deletion? Regardless, the Digital World still existed, but there was no one on Earth that knew.

 

So, if Paradiso went under, so did its computers, right? In that case, if Paradiso's computers are gone but the Digital World still exists (and therefore can exist independently of computers), in what sense is the Digital World still digital? Regardless of handwaves about "glitch" or "fail-safe", if the Digital World is running and the computers aren't, it's obviously gained independence of the computers. I propose we rename it The World Formerly Known As Digital.

 

This is the end of the opening exposition section. It's certainly good by Foe Fiction standards, but since "average" by Foe Fiction standards consists of three sentences speaking in the vaguest of terms about a new MISSON, that's not saying much. The setup seems to be relying on apparently-illogical actions and hand-waves, and while I suppose some of these could be explained properly later, at the moment it looks like plot-induced stupidity and some arbitrary "Here's the setting, don't ask questions" silliness, which seems like bad form.

 

Gallantmon could not believe it; it was rare for him to be nervous. He was among the strongest of the Royal Knights, those sworn to uphold the justice of the Digital World.

 

Since I don't know anything about Digimon, I'm picturing this non-human monster as Gino from Code Geass.

 

Don't question it.

 

He sat in the conference room of the Tower of Babel,

 

Protip for anyone out there building towers: Don't name them Babel.

 

and the only other occupant in the room was Barbamon, the Demon Lord of Greed and the master strategist of the Seven Great Demon Lords.

 

What, more villains themed after the Seven Deadly Sins? It seems like everyone's going that route nowadays.

 

I'm going to be picturing this guy as the original Greed from Fullmetal Alchemist, because he's awesome.

 

Gallantmon may have been one of the best candidates to represent the Royal Knights in this meeting, but it was Duftmon who was the leading strategist among the Royal Knights. Sending him would have been much more suitable for a Digimon of Barbamon's caliber.

 

Since this scene is presumably being told from Gallantmon's perspective, I'm going to assume that this narration is what Gallantmon thinks. Here we see Gallantmon's self-esteem issues come to light, and that sort of weakness is rather a problem when you're sitting across the table from a being who I assume is the opposition's Just As Planned Guy.

 

Gallantmon was garbed entirely in a suit of white armor, with the addition of a red cape and a helmet in the shape of a dragon's head. In his right hand he held a silver lance, and in his left hand was a large, white shield with a golden trim engraved with the symbols of the Digimon's written language engraved alongside the edge. The center of the shield consisted of three triangles with a fourth inverted triangle in the middle.

 

Now I can't really picture this guy as Gino anymore. Aw.

 

More seriously, kudos for actually including decent character descriptions. Most fanfics here seem to think "description" means "he had brown hair ok now let's get on with the first duel of this highly original tournament".

 

Barbamon, on the other hand, wore a dark green cloak with a blue top. In his right hand was a scepter with a skull stuck to the top of it, with a red orb in its mouth. He had a golden mask with a long nose, obscuring his eyes. His long, grey hair flowed to his waist. He wore a necklace made entirely of red jewels embedded in gold. Finally, he had four red wings of a demon.

 

Greed is so awesome that I'm going to keep picturing Barbamon as Greed, but with all these accessories and the wings.

 

Speaking of which, I hate to look a gift horse in the mouth by complaining about these descriptions, but they seem to focus entirely on the characters' clothing and accessories but almost negligibly on the characters themselves. Maybe these guys are canon Digimon characters and you're expecting readers to be familiar with them already, though. However, since I haven't a clue what Barbamon himself looks like beyond what he's wearing, I'm still picturing him as Greed, but with a bit more of the money he wanted (along with more money, fame, land, power, women, and everything in the whole world).

 

"What, it's just you?" Barbamon teased.

 

Guy with self-esteem problems. Guy who's a manipulative chessmaster. Who do you think wins?

 

Gallantmon remained calm, knowing that this meeting was supposed to negotiate the peace of the Digital World.

 

"The Babylon Project was our last, best hope for peace. This is the story of the last of the Towers of Babel-on. The year is 2258. The name of the place is Babel-on 5."

 

The continents of Stoichea, Embolio, and Ios were at war, placing the rest of the Digital World at risk of entering the conflict and the ruling organizations, collectively known as the Overseers, who were supposed to settle matters.

 

Maybe they Overlooked the need for their duti- I'm sorry, that pun is too lame even for me to use.

 

"The Sovereigns and the Olympus Twelve were supposed to send representatives as well," Gallantmon answered at last.

 

"Are they not the Olympus Six now? Half of their members have been lost to this war, so I'm unsure if they should be considered part of the Overseers for much longer."

 

They should be replaced by the Famous Five. Timmy the Dog would be a good representative to this peace negotiation.

 

"Neither should the Demon Lords. Each of you are known for your treacherous ways, and you are the most infamous of the seven in that regard."

 

There's an important difference between losing your seat due to not having any power - that's what happened to G'Kar - and losing your seat due to being evil - that's what should have happened to Londo.

 

"Are you saying you don't trust me?" Barbamon grimaced. "You still haven't answered my first question."

 

Um, he answered it. Barbamon asked why only Gallantmon was here, and Gallantmon answered that those other two groups were supposed to send a representative as well. Then again, Barbamon probably knows that and is just trolling again.

 

"Only I am here because the Overseers all agreed to send one of member of each faction to attend these meetings, don't you remember? As for your other question, I have little reason to trust you after what the rest of you did to Seraphimon and Ophanimon."

 

Barbamon's the demon personifying greed and is also known to be the biggest chessmaster of the demons. If you're even considering ever trusting him, then you'll be thick enough to even believe what Ben Linus tells you.

 

"Seraphimon embraced his punishment, but Ophanimon was a fool to follow him. Nevertheless, they are wonderful assets to our cause."

 

"All of us are well aware of your 'cause'," Gallantmon retorted with a cold, and yet sarcastic tone. "The only reason we allow the seven of you to live is because of the balance you present the Digital World as our opposition.

 

Aw, is this going the balance-between-good-and-evil route? That's just nonsense; if good is something that needs to be balanced by evil, then good is not good and evil is not evil.

 

This looks to me like Churchill phoning up Hitler and saying "Hi there, we could totally crush you, but we need you evil guys to balance out our awesomeness", and Hitler replying in German that he doesn't speak English.

 

The Sovereigns and the Olympus Twelve-"

 

"Six," Barbamon corrected.

 

"-have each sworn neutrality. As such, the co-existence of the Royal Knights and the Demon Lords also presents neutrality."

 

To be honest, I stopped caring about this meeting a lot around the time Gallantmon made it clear that he most emphatically doesn't want his side to win and instead wants the villains to survive. >_> That's just... not terribly interesting.

 

"How do you exist as the force the neutralizes us? There are thirteen of you knights, but there are only seven of us."

 

In the time Greed spent counting his wealth, he learned that thirteen is more than seven.

 

"What are you suggesting, a challenge?" Gallantmon assumed.

 

"Assumed" is very much the correct word; I don't see any challenge present there. Of course, if Gallantmon is seeing a challenge, then Barbamon probably wants a fight and is provoking him into it.

 

"Well, if you wish to put it in such mild terms," Barbamon taunted.

 

"Your death will mean little," Gallantmon declared,

 

You just said it was important for the demons to survive to balance out the knights; how can you now say his death will mean little?

 

readying his weapon.

 

"The Babylon Project was our last, best hope for peace. It failed. But in the year of the Digital War, it became something greater: our last, best hope – for victory. The year is 2260. The place: Babel-on 5."

 

I'm disappointed; this story is actually pretty good. So far, its biggest flaws are being approximately 300% exposition and relying heavily on characters taking actions that really don't make sense to me (Gallantmon is the worst peace negotiator ever).

 

So far we've created an entire new plane plain of existence and initiated a plain-spanning war between the Knights of the Round Table and the Seven Stakes of Purgatory. What exciting, earth-shattering event will occur next?

 

Alex Kadrou fell back in his bed, tired out from finishing his exams.

 

...well then.

 

He was wearing a black T-shirt and black jeans, and his shoes were right next to his bed.

 

Without Gallantmon's and Barbamon's absurdly intricate dress styles, the focus on describing characters' clothes' appearances rather than the characters' own appearances becomes a lot more obvious, and a lot more painful. This level of description is very much worthy of Foe Fiction. It doesn't help that, while Gallantmon and Barbamon are probably canon characters whose appearances readers are expected to already know, Alex looks like an original character to me, so that excuse doesn't work here.

 

"God, that was annoying!" Alex complained,

 

Why do you people always speak out loud when there's nobody else around to hear them? Does this guy share Grell's amnesia?

 

despite the fact he was the only one in his room.

 

Oi oi oi, no making fun of your own nonsensical writing! That's my job!

 

More seriously, hanging a lampshade on your characters talking to themselves is better than failing to do so, but if you know that having your characters speak out loud to themselves doesn't really make sense, then instead of having them do so anyhow and then giving a nod to your reader that you know it's silly, why not just not have that silly thing happen in the first place so that your story will actually make some semblance of sense?

 

The last exam he had to finish was his Algebra II final. "A pain in the ass really, if I do say so myself."

 

And you do indeed say so yourself. You could just as easily think so yourself, but for some reason you say so yourself instead.

 

He turned to his clock, pushing away some of the black hair that fell in front of his eyes.

 

Finally, we have a bit of description of Alex himself.

 

Apparently, he has black hair that falls in front of his eyes.

 

"Only one o'four?"

 

Apparently, it's 1:04.

 

He pulled out his iPhone,

 

Apparently, he has an iPhone.

 

browsing the Internet to see what movies were playing in the local theater.

 

"Nothing," he lamented.

 

Apparently, nothing is playing in the local theater.

 

If I sound at all bored right now, it's because I am. Scenes From Random Kid's Everyday Life In Which Even Random Kid Is Bored just don't tend to be terribly interesting.

 

He had wanted to go to the movies,

 

So ya

Thought ya

Might like to go to the show.

To feel the warm thrill of confusion

That space cadet glow.

 

But then he couldn't, so we're still stuck in Alex's room with him instead of being at the cinema with him watching COLONEL JACK ZERO VERSUS THE ZOMBIES PART III. That would have beep stupid too, but at least it would have involved a guy named COLONEL JACK ZERO, which has to count for something.

 

On a more serious note, this is a terrible sentence. We have just seen Alex take out his iPhone and check the local cinema listings, so from that we can tell that he wanted to go to the movies. That's how writing is supposed to work: we find things out by observation, not by being told things. Here, however, after we've been shown that Alex wants to go to the movies, we have a line thrown in explicitly stating that he wants to go to the movies. Why? What's the point of it? Do you have such a low opinion of your readers, Phantom Roxas? Do you feel the need to sabotage what would have been decent writing by throwing in this epitome of telling over showing?

 

...seriously, that sentence sucks.

 

but then he remembered that there was nothing particularly good in theaters at the moment.

 

Hold on a moment, that's not what happened at all. He didn't "remember" anything; he looked on the internet via his iPhone and checked! Did he forget in the last thirty seconds and then remember (maybe he really does share Grell's memory issues)? Come on, Roxas, if you're going to write stuff, you need to learn to proofread.

 

"Seriously, I wish something good happens soon.”

 

What perfect timing, because something good did just happen - we reached the end.

 

What we started out with seemed promising: good spelling and grammar, notwithstanding the "plains" thing at the start; the roots of what promises to be a good storyline in a fleshed-out world; and so on and so forth. Unfortunately, the story began to fall apart as I read through it, degenerating into something I feel comfortable with placing under Foe Fiction.

 

The first problem is the exposition and the major emphasis on telling over showing. I know this is the first chapter and you need to set the stage, but this whole thing has essentially been the narrator spewing exposition, and when it hasn't been that, it's been Gino and Greed exposition, and when we finally see something with our own eyes, the narrator feels the need to step in immediately afterward to provide exposition that contradicts what we've just seen. Even what we think we've actually seen is really largely exposition; a lot of emphasis is placed on how Barbamon is a cunning strategist who is adept at backstabbing people and so on and so forth, but the only thing he does at a diplomatic conference (where he should be most effective) is start a fight. I have an idea for an easier way to accomplish the same goal: send in Wrathamon or whatever that demon's name is instead of Barbamon and have him stab Gallantmon in the face.

 

Which leads me into my next point: nobody's actions here make any bloody sense. I don't know why Paradiso would think filling the Pridelands with artificially-created monsters was a good idea if their goal was to create a paradise for humans. I don't know why the public would riot over Paradiso's experiments when things like the moon MISSON missions produced no such controversy in real life (or why the invention of real artificial intelligence would be treated as anything less than a world-shaking breakthrough). I don't know why Gallantmon prefers to keep some sort of balance rather than have good triumph over evil, and I don't know why he tosses that away a second later to have a fight. I don't know why Barbamon wanted a fight with Gallantmon, and if I knew that I still wouldn't know why he thought it was best for him to go and goad Gallantmon into a fight instead of just having a physically-strong demon go and challenge him directly. I'm sure some of this will be explained in later chapters that I'm too lazy to read, but I strongly suspect that not all of it will be - and even if it is explained later, right now it looks like the explanation is "Because the plot demanded it", and anything that makes the story look bad when readers first pick it up is something that is going to lose you readers. Like me. Right now.

 

And then there was that last section about Alex, which was just plain awful - to the point where I decided to respond to its last line by celebrating its ending instead of making an FLCL reference. It was boring, painful to read, reeked of a complete and utter absence of proofreading, and left the chapter on the least interesting note it possibly could. At the very least, you could have killed Chapter 1 after the Babylon 5 scene and left Alex's introduction for Chapter 2, or had the "something good" actually happen in Chapter 1, but instead the scene was left not only with its internal problems but also with the worst position possible in the overall framework of the story.

 

I began with positive expectations, but when I was finished I was left with nothing more than a mound of unbelievable exposition. As much as I'm sure this is going to draw hate from your fanbase clamoring for the next chapter, there is no doubt in my mind that this is a Foe Fiction.

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Nexev Newbie

Nexev

Posted
Posted

Chapter 2 gets more interesting.

 

You have some points but I didn't find it that bad.

 

 

In addition my I suggest a theory?

 

The digimon were created to see that (should people be able to go there) the Digital World was capable of supporting life. They had programs that caused them to be simillar enough to humans that they would need similar living conditions (the programming informed them that they would need to eat and that certain materials would be inedible, blah,blah). They evolved but how is a mystery.

 

 

Good and evil are like republicans and democratics, they are political. Gallantmon needs the balance because otherwise the evil digimon will protest this as a infringement of rights, in addition Yggdrasil (gallantmon's boss) values balance more than good. As such he lets both sides exist. Gallantmon attacks because while he was told not to, he really wants to kill Barbamon for his evil and personal grievances. Emotion getting the better of one and such.

 

The reason the Digital World program was closed was because the beta test killed everyone and the sponsors withdrew funding. After all, would you eat at Burger King knowing that they sponsored such a murderous device?

 

 

Besides that I don't have any theories on the rest, all I can say is that chapter 2 isn't so bad and you might want to read it. Then say how bad it is or not.

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