pokemon platinum

[starly]

[spoiler=introduction]

one day,in twinleaf town.Two boys were walking in the streets.It was strange to see a town deserted.They were our heroes Ash, Brock and Dawn.They were here to see Dawns brothers Josh(10)and Liam(14).Josh only just turned ten and his dream was to become like ash because Ash was live on television with Dawn!But Sinnoh was a utter fail, he lost in the first battle against Roark!But he wasn't going to make the same mistake.Well we will see about Liam.Liam was rude and annoying.But sometimes nice.he was to excited about being a pokemon master that he got kicked out of professer Rowans labrotory!That was four years ago and Rowan said"Come back when your 14 kid!"

Liam just expected things but it didn't go his way.Until today!I will move back to the story now!

Josh woke up and nugged his brother and shouted"Quick!We need to go to professer rowan!"

He was so excited that Liam didn't understand a word he was saying but it was never to late to get ready, so they got dressed and ran out side.Suddenly they bumped in to our heroes!

Ash: do you need help?

Josh:no thanks.Dawn!Is that you?

Dawn:Yes Josh

Liam:We were just getting our pokemon from professer Rowan

Brock:I could take you round there because i have a map!

Josh:cool!We will do it.

So they set off to sandgem town but on there way there a wild bidoof appeared!

Ash:Looks like a battle!Pikachu you know what to do.

bidoof lvl 3:18/18hp

pikachu lvl 48:123/123hp

Ash:Pikachu volt tackle!

50 Damage!

Bidoof is down and bidoof just fell.

Josh:you can't just leave it here.

Ash:Sorry,we will take it to the pokemon center after we drop you off and when we are done meet you at lake verity!

Josh:Got it.

Ash:see ya

So Joshua and Liam ran to proffesser rowans labrotory and they came in a little bit of a shock there was only 1 pokeball left!

Liam:what pokemon is that?

rowan:that is chimchar!

Joshua:Noooo!dam it!

rowan:here you go erh well you pass says liam so here you go liam and here is five pokeballs and a pokedex!

liam:thanks bye!

Josh:is there anymore?

rowan:well there is one perticular one.

Josh:is it a lvl 5 starly?

rowan:it certainly is!

Josh:awesome!

rowan handed of a pokeball with wing printed on it.

rowan:here is your five pokeballs and your pokedex!When you have completed the pokedex come back for the national pokedex okay!

Josh:your on!

rowan:now go and meet ash at lake verity he contacted me that you two were coming.

Josh:hasn't Liam just shot off?

rowan: oh yeah!

Josh:now i have to go so bye!

rowan:bye!

So Joshua is heading to lake verity but im afraid that is chapter 1....

chapter 1 the start of team galactic

 

[Kendo Fish]

This is WAAAAAAAY too rushed. It sounds like my best friend Tetsujin - who doesn't exist on this forum - is blabbing about the first episode of Pokemon Nonsense, a new Pokemon series that just went on the air and doesn't make enough sense.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, and I DON'T want you to completely discard the idea just because of what I'm telling you, but there is NO description and it's WAY too fast-paced. the chapter's way too short. Who's Liam and who's Josh? Why are most proper nouns lowercased?

 

Strangest of all, ASH is traveling with them. Freaking Ash! He's supposed to be with Dawn and Brock! AT LEAST give an introduction saying "What if, in an alternate reality, Ash travelled with two completely different people?" or something. I'm just lost and confused.

 

And remember, if you want help with revising your fan fiction, send me a private message.

[Rucario]

If this is your own then, Suggestion: Don't put Ash, Brock, Misty, May, Max, and Dawn in there, it will make your Fanfic more interesting and Original.

 

Right and you should introduce Liam and Josh.

 

One more thing, the Story goes too fast.

[starly]

okay

[DARKPLANT RISING]

I can't get a word you're saying. Don't rush. And try to "capture the moment".

[starly]

sorry its just that im not a star at making threads accept rps

[Weather Report - Stand]

This story seems to be the work of a stupid fanboy of the stupid anime. Using the characters ruins the point of an original story. And the grammar...EW. Thst'll be my catchphrase for this review.

 

[spoiler=introduction]

One morning in twinleaf town dawn' date=' liam and josh were sleeping.

Crappy capitalization? EW! Capitalize names of EVERYTHING. And exactly where are they sleeping? On a couch? In a bed? In the same bed(yeah, that's a little too far)? DESCRIBE CRAP, GOSH!

Josh was dawns little brother who was nine and Liam is dawns older brother he is 14.

...EW. No punctuation at all. This sentence details everything we DON'T need to know. And giving people brothers and sisters doesn't help anything, just makes people look further down upon the author.

Liam and dawn went to sandgem town and got piplup and chimchar and turtwig was taken by ash!He rushed with his poke gear and went to rowan.

R-rushing?! EW. So they teleported from rtheir beds, without waking up, into Sandgem, and then they got the stereotypical starters, and then ASH KETCHUM STOLE THEM. That's what you wrote, I made nothing up over here.

the pokemon werent there until a special pokemon came in a wing pokeball.starly came out and didnt go back in its pokeball. it layed on josh and he got his pokedex and 5 pokeballs his dream came true but what dangers will he face?

HOLY CRAPPOLY. A WING POKEBALL? STARLY SAT ON A KID AND DROPPED A POKEDEX AND FIVE POKEBALLS?

where will he go? who will he meet? we'll find out in chapter one search for dialga,palkia and the red gyarados see ya!to be continued...

Dude, I'm too scared to review the first chapter. This sucks too much for me to handle.

 

 

 

EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEW!!!!! Ew. This story was utterly horrific. We meet nobody correctly, we just kinda look at them. And what do they look like, anyways? I'm training to be a REAL author, so I need to know what plots have potential or not. And this thing is a piece of crap. Pooped by a zombie. A zombie horse. That just ate a taco monster. Filled with MORE POOP!!

 

Ew, I'm sorry, but try to do something else. At least LISTEN to the advice people gave you and REWRITE THIS.

[DeREVOLUTION]

To rushed. Organize it more, then MAYBE i might read it ;D

[starly]

sry

[Weather Report - Stand]

sry

 

Come on, man! Stop just saying 'sry' to everything! Just fix it already! Or just forget about the story and do something BETTER. By the looks of your replies, mean as it sounds, I'm not sure if you're CAPABLE of making a good story, let alone passing Language Arts class.

[starly]

stop being horrible its an introduction

[Rucario]

Weather report does have a point. He's just saying that you should fix a few things like the Spelling, Grammar, and stuff like that and you don't even fix a single Word. And he's not just referring to the Introduction, he's also referring to the First Chapter. *Sighs*. I could help you with everything else later, right now, just the Spelling.

 

One morning in Twinleaf town, Dawn, Liam and Josh were sleeping. Josh was Dawn's little brother who was 9 and Liam is dawn's older brother, he is 14. Liam and Dawn went to Sandgem town and got Piplup and Chimchar, and Turtwig was taken by Ash! He rushed with his poke gear and went to Rowan. The pokemon weren't there until a special pokemon came in a wing pokeball. Starly came out and didn't go back in its pokeball. It layed on Josh and he got his pokedex and 5 pokeballs.

His dream came true but what dangers will he face? Where will he go? Who will he meet? We'll find out in Chapter One: Search for Dialga, Palkia and the Red Gyarados. See ya!

To be continued............

Coming up today Chapter 1: Search for Dialga, Palkia and the Red Gyarados.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Weather report does have a point. He's just saying that you should fix a few things like the Spelling' date=' Grammar, and stuff like that and you don't even fix a single Word. And he's not just referring to the Introduction, he's also referring to the First Chapter. *Sighs*. I could help you with everything else later, right now, just the Spelling.

 

One morning in Twinleaf town, Dawn, Liam and Josh were sleeping. Josh was Dawn's little brother who was 9 and Liam is dawn's older brother, he is 14. Liam and Dawn went to Sandgem town and got Piplup and Chimchar, and Turtwig was taken by Ash! He rushed with his poke gear and went to Rowan. The pokemon weren't there until a special pokemon came in a wing pokeball. Starly came out and didn't go back in its pokeball. It layed on Josh and he got his pokedex and 5 pokeballs.

His dream came true but what dangers will he face? Where will he go? Who will he meet? We'll find out in Chapter One: Search for Dialga, Palkia and the Red Gyarados. See ya!

To be continued............

Coming up today Chapter 1: Search for Dialga, Palkia and the Red Gyarados.

 

Well, even THAT'S useless. I mean, look at it.

Where's the dialogue?

Where's the action?

What's happening here, and what are they saying?

What's in here that's TRYING to gain our APPROVAL? If a story is interesting, then people will want to read it. But this is horrible, boring and lazy; not by any means a story or intro, but maybe a blurb about the tale in question.

I've learned that I shouldn't read fics made by people that refuse to use grammar. If you begin to stop talking like a noob, then you'll be respected by me instead of being looked down upon. Please speak normally.

[bury the year]

stop being horrible its an introduction

 

An introduction is a good indicator of how your story is going to go. If it's good, then you'll hook people. If it's crappily planned and paced, which this one certainly is, nobody's going to take their precious time to sift through the layers of haphazardly-typed things that I'm certain you did in around 10 minutes. I spend at least 3 days on a single chapter, and that's on a good stretch. If I'm running low on inspiration, they take up to 2 weeks. Don't make excuses; reread and improve.

[Kaisu]

1-I couldn't even read the intro.

2-When I decided to read this, it was waaay too RUSHED!

3-Dialouge dude... Dialouge.

4-Hmm... is this 'josh':

A girl with pink hair, and a white t-shirt and jeans.

5-Abra... teleporting while sleeping....

6-Everyone else is right, STOP and REWRITE

 

Overveiw-Horrible. And that's not being harsh.

STOP, DON'T say sorry and do NOTHING!

[Crystal Beast 123]

A bit too rushed. I know everyone says that, but aside from punctuation, that is it's major flaw.

[Weather Report - Stand]

stop being horrible its an introduction

 

An introduction is a good indicator of how your story is going to go. If it's good' date=' then you'll hook people. If it's crappily planned and paced, which this one certainly is, nobody's going to take their precious time to sift through the layers of haphazardly-typed things that I'm certain you did in around 10 minutes. I spend at least 3 days on a single chapter, and that's on a good stretch. If I'm running low on inspiration, they take up to 2 weeks. Don't make excuses; reread and improve.

[/quote']

Well, for me it only takes a few hours to a day to write a chapter when I'm on a roll, but usually I'm lazy. And my works from earlier last year are sucky compared to my more current chapters of stuff.

[starly]

plz just.. ill do it

[bury the year]

stop being horrible its an introduction

 

An introduction is a good indicator of how your story is going to go. If it's good' date=' then you'll hook people. If it's crappily planned and paced, which this one certainly is, nobody's going to take their precious time to sift through the layers of haphazardly-typed things that I'm certain you did in around 10 minutes. I spend at least 3 days on a single chapter, and that's on a good stretch. If I'm running low on inspiration, they take up to 2 weeks. Don't make excuses; reread and improve.

[/quote']

Well, for me it only takes a few hours to a day to write a chapter when I'm on a roll, but usually I'm lazy. And my works from earlier last year are sucky compared to my more current chapters of stuff.

 

My stuff's usually 4000-5000 words a chapter. Then again, I'm trying to cut back, but I am majorly lazy, so... D:

 

The point still stands, starly. If you want people to read your work, lengthen it up and take some time in producing it.

[Kaisu]

Starly is OPed in the first chapter.

This story is overall boring.

[starly]

im doing it now.done it and fixed!

[Weather Report - Stand]

Now, thank you for re-doing this, and in gratitude I won't be mean at all(or t least I hope so)while reviewing your changes. There are still MANY grammatical errors I see, by just GLANCING at it.

 

And get rid of the characters list. It's ugly.

[spoiler=introduction]

one day' date='in twinleaf town.One day in Twinleaf Town...what? You placed a period at the end of the statement instead of a comma. And you CAPITALIZE words that begin sentences as well as names(towns and cities, too), and finally, make spaces between commas and periods(ex. Then, he ate. BUT...). Two boys were walking in the streets.Just walking? Not a more advanced word? Walking's lame. What did the boys look like? What was around them?It was strange to see a town deserted.Well, we wouldn't know that because you never said anything like 'Two boys walked through the empty city streets'. THAT would be at least ACCEPTABLE.They were our heroes Ash, Brock and Dawn.So...you said the streets were empty, and then they show up. Why? And shouldn't Ash be doing something more important, like failing on his crappy tv show(ANYTHING PAST JOHTO IS DEAD TO ME)? Why would they be HERE? And plus, you make it sound like THESE people are the two boys.They were here to see Dawns brothers Josh(10)and Liam(14).Oh, I get it! They weren't in the show beacuse these are Dawn's ILLEGITIMATE brothers from when her mom got a little wild! Twice, apparently. And before Dawn was born. And at the same time. Josh is a twin. Seriously? Seriously. I'm COMPLETELY against the idea of using the anime characters because it makes people think that your story's stupid without giving it a chance. I'd ENJOY it if you re-did this story again, but I don't see that happening.Josh only just turned ten and his dream was to become like ash because Ash was live on television with Dawn!Woah, woah, woah. That's a run-on sentence. So this kid wants to go on a journey. Not because he loves pokemon or the world, but so he can get on tv? This kid's an idiot. And you didn't even capitalize Ash the first time! But the main points: This sentence sucks. The kid has a bad personality ALREADY. And they should have had some dialogue by now somewhere. Not even a 'HEY! IT'S ASH, DAWN AND...that...guy.'But Sinnoh was a utter fail, he lost in the first battle against Roark!Sinnoh was an utter fail at what(and 'a utter fail' sounds lazy and wrong. Use 'an', at least. Comparing something to a fail is...odd)? Was it a failure at being too easy? Because that's good. And if this kid just turned 10, that means he ran back and forth from Twinleaf to fight Roark, lost, and gave up because he has a bad personality. And we know nothing about the older kid yet, just saying. Oh, and that should have been two separate sentences, by the way. Oh, and one LAST thing...MAKE NEW PARAGRAPHS!!But he wasn't going to make the same mistake.Well we will see about Liam.What's wrong with him?Liam was rude and annoying.Oh, just like the younger kid. That's a bad description, in my opinion. You could have said something like 'He's not the kind of guy you'd like to hang around with'. NO PLAGIARISM!!But sometimes nice.Nobody's mean all the time. NOBODY.he was to excited about being a pokemon master that he got kicked out of professer Rowans labrotory!FIRST. Capitalize more often. SECOND. He was so excited that he was thrown out? I see three possible scenarios here...

1. He was so excited that he began bouncing up and down in the lab rapidly. He smashed into bottles of chemicals, important machines, and killed four people.

2. He was so excited that he went around hitting things for no reason. He punched a Piplup, ate somebody's sandwich(after punching it from thei hands!!) and kicked Professor Rowan out of a second-story window.

3. He stood there, feeling excited. Professor Rowan picked up on this. "Oh no," he told himself, "Nobody's allowed to be excited in here. It makes me feel slightly uncomfortable!! GET OUT OF HERE AT ONCE!!" Then he kicked the poor boy out of a third-story window. Not second-story, third.That was four years ago and Rowan said"Come back when your 14 kid!"What? So this kindly old man first KICKS a boy out of a third-story window(I guess), but then he BANS him from returning later that week? This guy's a crook! I mean, is this some sort of excuse you made for the story? Why couldn't he have gotten his pokemon, but not wanted to be a trainer, so his starter(hopefully not a Sinnoh stereotype starter)never got stronger, but he decided to help his lil' bro out on his adventure so he'd be safe, and the anime characters have nothing to do with this? I mean, really?

Liam just expected things but it didn't go his way.Until today!I will move back to the story now!But that WAS part of the story, I guess. But you really need to explain more stuff.

Josh woke up and nugged his brother and shouted"Quick!We need to go to professer rowan!"Okay, so nudged has a 'd' in it...WHAT THE HELL?! So they were in the street and then they woke up? Did you just forget what you'd been typing earlier? Was this a dream? Were they so lazy that they forgot how they got home and were in bed after getting amnesia? I don't GET IT!! And are the bros in the same bed? That's kinda disgusting. What does the room look like? What does the bed look like? WHAT DO THE BOYS LOOK LIKE? The last one has been addressed SOO many times, and yet they're STILL stick figures in a white void all the time.

He was so excited that Liam didn't understand a word he was saying but it was never to late to get ready, so they got dressed and ran out side.I can't understand what you're saying, either. So Josh just said random crap as they got dressed(in the same room? Yuck), ate breakfast(cereal would've been spewing all over the place) and leaving the house? You need to break your habit of using run-on sentences. It's unnattractive. Suddenly they bumped in to our heroes!Where did they bump into the bums(they aren't MY heroes)? In a field? Near a bank? In a cafeteria? How do they look? Tired, excited, confused?

Ash: do you need help?Oh, **** it. It's PART script? That's just lazy! You could have just as easily said 'Ash looked at the brothers and asked, "Do you need help?"' Although a 12 year-old doesn't usually ask that to a 14 year-old.

Josh:no thanks.Dawn!Is that you?Shouldn't Josh have said that earlier? Couldn't he see the guys from a distance? He could've run up to them shouting 'DAWN! IT'S YOU!!' NO PLAGIARIZING!! And isn't Ash his idol? Why is Ash back here, anyways? Couldn't Dawn's mom have said something to the boys earlier, if she's THEIR mom too? And why don't you capitalize or space out your punctuation?

Dawn:Yes JoshThat's all she could say? Yes. It is I. Your robot sister. Dawn-troid 4500. She speaks like a robot. Only 'yes Josh'? That's lame! Shouldn't she be like 'Josh! Liam! It's been ages! *hugs*'. So far your characters are impossible and boring. AND WHERE'S PIKACHU??

Liam:We were just getting our pokemon from professer RowanYou spelled 'professor' wrong. And these guys sound so uncomfortable when they speak. Do you speak like this in real life? No.

 

You're playing soccer. You kick the ball into the goal from the left. The crown cheers for you and your victory. You raise your index finger high into the air and roar, "Yes I did it." The crowd stops. They leave, saddened by the terrible speech. Your fellow players spit on you as they leave.

 

And THAT'S why we speak like real people.

Brock:I could take you round there because i have a map!Wow A MAP. He's so UBER now. He sounds like a geek.

Josh:cool!We will do it.'Cool! Let's go!' would sound SO much better. And NOBODY with a map is cool. Shouldn't Liam know the way, seeing as he's been there already? And so should Josh, since he APPARENTLY lost to Roark(with what? If he had no pokemon, did he charge into battle himself? He IS stupid)without getting his pokemon FIRST. And why were these guys in Twinleaf anyhow? They could've said something like 'Hey, Josh and Liam! We just got finished delivering this valuable gem-thing to the mayor! What's up?' NO PLAGIARIZING!!

So they set off to sandgem town but on there way there a wild bidoof appeared!No description of the void? The grass was...normal. The trees were...dead. The sky was...red. THAT'S what you're telling me. Can't they ignore the Bidoof? Can't they see cool things like a family of pokemon roaming the forest? This world IS utter failure.

Ash:Looks like a battle!Pikachu you know what to do.No 'Pik pika!'? Why did Pikachu do NOTHING earlier? WHY WHY WHY?!?!

bidoof lvl 3:18/18hp

pikachu lvl 48:123/123hpI HATE THIS FORMAT. JUST DO IT IN ANIME STYLE. THIS LOOKS SO CLUNKY.

Ash:Pikachu volt tackle!Bad grammar and ad choice. Volt Tackle won't just defeat the poor thing, it'll kill it! Gosh! Why not just use Thundershock?

50 Damage!

Bidoof is down and bidoof just fell.He fell down twice? This sentence is weird.

Josh:you can't just leave it here.They do that ALL THE TIME IN THE SHOW.

Ash:Sorry,we will take it to the pokemon center after we drop you off and when we are done meet you at lake verity!WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT EARLIER? Then I'd have complained less!! Why, just why didn't you make that hint before...? And the sentence is still badly-written. Why don't you just use better grammar? It's not that hard. Instead of 'sry', write 'Sorry.' next time.

Josh:Got it.

So we come to the end of the introduction we will see you at chapter 1 got to goWhat a bad intro! It's 200-times better than the first, but you still fail to explain everything. You used script format. You nver said 'And so the team continued on towards Sandgem, ending this introduction to our story', so they just stand thee until you write the next chapter. Most guys don't have more than one line of speech. Why? You detailed nothing. Why? In the original first chapter, Cyrus had sucky pokemon, openly said he was gonna steal a regular Starly from a little boy, and sounded just like Team Rocket when he spoke. And worst of all, he was defeated in one move. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!

 

 

Overall, you've proven that you have potential. But you still fail to write correctly, shunning all grammar and description. If you do that(and kill off the Ash gang),then the story will be MUUUCH better. Give it one more try using that advice(and NOT using a scripted format).

[Kaisu]

It always ****s me off how people make a character list in their fanfics. That proves that they can't intoduce their characters in their story.

It's better, but still needs work.

[starly]

ive added some more on

[Weather Report - Stand]

What do you mean? I don't see a 1st chapter, and the intro is still a failure.