Sands of Attribute

[Zeaux]

[align=center]

 

Chapter 1 [/align]

(Thanks yangninja for the help)

 

 

Riou is a 17 year old eager duellist travelling to a new city with his mom. The new city has the world’s second largest duel academy and his mum applied for him to enter. He is typically a much laid back person but it always determined in what he believes in.

 

After a five hour journey to get to the city, Riou's mum takes him straight to the Duel Academy she applied him for. The school covered 10% of the total city. His mother took Riou inside the main building on the 5th floor to the director's office and waited outside.

 

A calm voice shouts "Come In!" The door was opened and Riou walked in with his mother. Inside the room was a wall covered in elegant gold duel trophies; all polished to reflect the brown desk in the centre. On the desk was a golden name plate which has the engraving 'Professor Heaton.'

 

The man says "Ah good; you must be Riou and Shina. I am Professor Heaton, please have a seat." "First of all, welcome to Duel Academy Laurus. This is one of the best schools in the country, you should be proud." Riou was kicking back on his chair staring blankly into the blank ceiling.

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” He replies. SLAP! His mother slapped him. “You will treat Professor Heaton with respect!” The professor smirks. “Let it be Miss. Let it be. He is quite a feat of a child.” He replies. “Anyway, it’s getting late. I’m sure you are tired from your long journey. We have made arrangements for a new dorm room for you. You currently don’t have any room mates; however you may have soon. “His mom gave him a kiss on the forehead and left the building whilst Riou moved to his room and got some well deserved sleep.

 

The next morning Riou went outside to experience the size of the campus. Outside were two boys roughly five years younger than him. They were finishing up a duel.

 

“I won!” the bigger one shouted. “Now give me your card!” he snatched off the card ‘The Tricky’ from the little kid and walked off, leaving the little boy crying.

 

In anger, Riou shouted “Hey you!” The bully turned to him. “Return his card now.” The boy pulled his tongue at Riou and said “It’s my card now. If you want it back then you’re gonna have to duel me for it.” “Fine!” Riou Agrees. Both players insert their decks into their duel disks and the duel began:

 

Riou - 4000 LP

Hand - 5

 

Student - 4000 LP

Hand - 5

 

Riou: I’ll start this game off DRAW! I set 1 card and send it to the Graveyard to summon Spatial Beast Rudian!!

 

Effect - This card can only be Normal Summoned by sending 1 Spell or Trap Card you control to the Graveyard. Once per turn you can negate 1 attack by discarding 1 card. As long this card is face-up on the field, each time your opponent activates a Spell Card, send the top card from your opponent's Deck to the Graveyard.

Next I set 2 cards and End.

 

Student: It’s time for you greatest nightmares to turn into reality. Come Forth Berserker Shark

 

Effect - This card is also treated as a Beast-Type monster. During battle between this attacking card and a Defense Position monster whose DEF is lower than the ATK of this card, inflict the difference as Battle Damage to your opponent. If this card attacks, flip it into face-down Defense Position at the end of the Damage Step.

 

Now Berserker Shark, attack his beast! (Riou -800LP) After attacking, my Shark flips down into defense mode. Then set 2 cards down. I End.

 

 

Riou - 3200 LP

Hand - 2

 

Student - 4000 LP

Hand - 3

 

Riou: Thank you! Now I draw. I play the spell ‘Foolish Burial’. This allows me to send my ‘Nala, the Little Reaper’ from my deck to my graveyard.

Student: I guess you’re pretty embarrassed to let me kill it huh?

Riou: Now you will now see why. Activate Spell Card ‘Precious Synchro!’ This means that I can Synchro Summon from my graveyard. Come now Ultima Demon!

 

Effect - 1 DARK Tuner + 1 or more non-Tuner monsters

When this card attacks, your opponent discard cards equal to the number of monster on Defense Position on the field. Place 1 Ultima Counter on this card (max. 3) for each card discarded by this effect. By removing 1 Ultima Counter from this card, select 1 monster you control and 1 monster on your opponent's Graveyard. The selected monster's effect becomes the effect of the monster on your opponent's Graveyard until the End Phase.

 

Student: *Shivering* what is this?

Riou: I’m not done yet next I summon Sasarai Oni

 

Effect - This card cannot be destroyed by battle with a monster whose Original ATK is lower than this card's ATK. If this card is equipped with an Equip Spell Card, during battle between this attacking card and a Defense Position monster whose DEF is lower than the ATK of this card, inflict the difference as Battle Damage to your opponent. By sending 1 Equip Spell Card equipped to this card to the Graveyard, destroy 1 Spell or Trap Card on the field.

 

I’ll now reveal my trap card Cursed Chains and equip it to Sasarai Oni

This means that if I attack your face down monster, I get to inflict piercing damage. (Student -1400LP) Your little fish has just become fish fingers.

 

Student: No! you’ll Pay fool

Riou: Demon, finish this. Dark Ray Cannon!

Student: Not so fast I activate Enchanted Javelin. It will make sure that there is no change to my Life Points.

Riou: Damn! I end.

 

Riou - 3200 LP

Hand - 0

 

Student - 2600 LP

Hand - 3

 

Student: It’s time for my come back! I activate my face-down card: ‘Call of the Haunted’ which brings back my Berserker Shark.

Next I tribute my Shark in order to summon ‘Great Majju Garzett.’ This card’s ATK is double of the monster I tribute meaning that if my shark had 2400 ATK. This has 4800!

Riou: I then use my face down card ‘Mystical Space Typhoon’ to remove Cursed Chains from my field and return the ATK of 'Sasarai Oni' to 1700

Student: Now I attack your Oni. Say good bye. You only have 100LP left. What are you gonna do?

Riou: Remember his effect means that he cannot be destroyed by battle if a monster has lower original attack.

Student: Grr it doesn’t matter do you really think you can win this duel. You’re only 1 turn away from doom. I End my turn.

 

Riou - 100 LP

Hand - 0

 

Student - 2600 LP

Hand - 3

 

Riou: (Ok I need to draw a good card) I DRAW! (Yes just the card I needed.) I play ‘Living Soul Snare’ this turns your Garzett into defence position and Garzett has 0 DEF. I now attack with my ‘Ultima Demon.’

Student: I’ll still live.

Riou: You are forgetting about his special effect. When he attacks, you discard a card for every monster you control in defence position. ‘Ultima Demon’ then gains a counter for each card you discarded. By removing one of these counters I can have him gain the effect of your ‘Berserker Shark’; thus giving him Piercing damage.

(Student -2600LP)

Cya little kid!

Student: No way how could I’ve lost. Here take the card

 

After the duel, Riou hands the card back to the little kid and states “remember to believe in yourself and you will always have the spirits on your side.” The boy whips the tears of his face and places ‘The Tricky’ back to his deck. “Thank you!” the boy shouted whilst going in for a hug.

 

 

[align=center]Cards Used

 

[spoiler=Ultima Demon]

Ultima Demon

(Holo by yangninja)

 

 

-Card Effect-

 

1 DARK Tuner + 1 or more non-Tuner monsters

When this card attacks, your opponent discard cards equal to the number of monster on Defense Position on the field. Place 1 Ultima Counter on this card (max. 3) for each card discarded by this effect. By removing 1 Ultima Counter from this card, select 1 monster you control and 1 monster on your opponent's Graveyard. The selected monster's effect becomes the effect of the monster on your opponent's Graveyard until the End Phase.

 

[spoiler=Sasarai Oni]Sasarai Oni

 

 

 

-Card Effect-

 

This card cannot be destroyed by battle with a monster whose Original ATK is lower than this card's ATK. If this card is equipped with an Equip Spell Card, during battle between this attacking card and a Defense Position monster whose DEF is lower than the ATK of this card, inflict the difference as Battle Damage to your opponent. By sending 1 Equip Spell Card equipped to this card to the Graveyard, destroy 1 Spell or Trap Card on the field.

 

[spoiler=Cursed Chains]Cursed Chains

 

 

 

-Card Effect-

 

Select 1 monster you control and equip this card to it. As long this card is equipped with a monster it is treated as a Equip Spell Card. A monster equipped with this card loses 300 ATK. Your opponent can only select the equipped monster as a target. When the equipped monster is removed from the field, select 1 monster you control and equip this card to it. If you cannot, destroy this card.

 

[spoiler=Living Soul Snare]Living Soul Snare

 

 

 

-Card Effect-

 

Discard 1 monster. Then select 1 monster your opponent controls and swicht its Battle Position. When the selected monster change its Battle Position (except by this cards effect), Special Summon the discarded monster.

 

[spoiler=Spatial Beast Rudian]Spatial Beast Rudian

 

 

 

-Card Effect-

 

This card can only be Normal Summoned by sending 1 Spell or Trap Card you control to the Graveyard. Once per turn you can negate 1 attack by discarding 1 card. As long this card is face-up on the field, each time your opponent activates a Spell Card, send the top card from your opponent's Deck to the Graveyard.

 

[spoiler=Berserker Shark]Berserker Shark

 

 

 

-Card Effect-

 

This card is also treated as a Beast-Type monster. During battle between this attacking card and a Defense Position monster whose DEF is lower than the ATK of this card, inflict the difference as Battle Damage to your opponent. If this card attacks, flip it into face-down Defense Position at the end of the Damage Step.

 

[spoiler=Precious Synchro]Precious Synchro

 

 

 

-Card Effect-

 

Remove from play 1 Tuner monster and 1 non-Tuner monster from your Graveyard. Special Summon 1 Synchro monster from your Extra Deck that have the same Level of the combined Level of the monsters removed from play by this effect.

 

[spoiler=Nala the Little Reaper]Nala the Little Reaper

 

 

 

-Card Effect-

 

When this card is Summoned discard 1 card. Increase this cards ATK by 100 for each monster in both player's Graveyard. If this card's ATK reaches 1800 or more you can send it to the Graveyard to Special Summon 1 Level 4 or lower Tuner monster from your Deck. As long this card is in your Graveyard, when you discard 2 or more cards Special Summon this card in face-up Attack Position.

[/align]

[Wanderley]

This is a nice start^^

like to read more^^

[Zeaux]

Thanx wanderley

yangninja helped me a lot!

[Youko-San]

Im not being overly critize, but block writing is bad and a lot of people wont even bother to try and read it, i did though. Everytime a different person speaks they get their own paragraph ok?

 

it was ok

[Wanderley]

no^^ i think it is good to read^^ so don't worry about the member above ;-)

[◊ Hᵃᵏᵃˢᵉ ◊]

This is amazing. Quite the beginning to a story. Or a point of the story. A lot of your cards look real, especially the Synchro. I almost thought you stole that card from the show for a minute. Great job. I would definately continue reading this.

[.:Traceur:.]

this fic is awesome..it has a very big potential...

and the cards are truly awesome...i love them...

[Zeaux]

Thanx peoples ;)

[EliminateHRN]

This has alot of potienial, although they is alot of grammar problems here and there. I'm not saying you have to have perfect grammar as nobody has perfect grammar. I really like the card in this fan-fic, they look real :D.

 

I'll keep checking on this fan-fic, this looks great.

[yangninja]

This has alot of potienial' date=' although they is alot of grammar problems here and there. I'm not saying you have to have perfect grammar as nobody has perfect grammar. I really like the card in this fan-fic, they look real :D.

 

I'll keep checking on this fan-fic, this looks great.

[/quote']

 

 

can you please point some out. I've noticed about 2-4ish which could be classed as problems?

[EliminateHRN]

This has alot of potienial' date=' although they is alot of grammar problems here and there. I'm not saying you have to have perfect grammar as nobody has perfect grammar. I really like the card in this fan-fic, they look real :D.

 

I'll keep checking on this fan-fic, this looks great.

[/quote']

 

 

can you please point some out. I've noticed about 2-4ish which could be classed as problems?

 

I'll try to point some out. You need to make a new paragraph when somebody talks, like in the paragraph right before they dueled, I was confused who was talking. In some sentences, like this one where the student reduced Riou's Life Points to 100 ("Grr it doesn’t matter do you really think you can win this duel. You’re only 1 turn away from doom

I End."), your missing a period after doom, unless you meant to do that :?.

 

Also, in one sentence the first letter of the sentence wasn't capped. That's all i could find. I'll try to find more if I can. It's still a good fan-fic though.

[Zeaux]

Thanx TwilightAvian

I fixed that

I am glad you like it

[yangninja]

This has alot of potienial' date=' although they is alot of grammar problems here and there. I'm not saying you have to have perfect grammar as nobody has perfect grammar. I really like the card in this fan-fic, they look real :D.

 

I'll keep checking on this fan-fic, this looks great.

[/quote']

 

 

can you please point some out. I've noticed about 2-4ish which could be classed as problems?

 

I'll try to point some out. You need to make a new paragraph when somebody talks, like in the paragraph right before they dueled, I was confused who was talking. In some sentences, like this one where the student reduced Riou's Life Points to 100 ("Grr it doesn’t matter do you really think you can win this duel. You’re only 1 turn away from doom

I End."), your missing a period after doom, unless you meant to do that :?.

 

Also, in one sentence the first letter of the sentence wasn't capped. That's all i could find. I'll try to find more if I can. It's still a good fan-fic though.

 

We need to find a better structure for duels; however as long as the grammar is fine on the story text then I'm good. I'll be sure to take more care

[Zeaux]

BUMP

Please more coments

[Wolfbat Master]

read the part you have loved it

please write more

[Zeaux]

Thanx :D

And I will write more

[Καsτοr]

I like your fic. And Ultima is just, awesome.

Send me pic link please?

[Zeaux]

Thanx kastor I will PM you the link

[Zeaux]

BUMP

[EliminateHRN]

Oh, btw, I love Ultima's image.

 

Anyway, when will the next chapter be up? I'm ready to see more of this.

[Weather Report - Stand]

Hello, it's review time. I'm here to criticize your work honestly.

 

[align=center]

Why...is Yusei on the cover...?

 

Chapter 1 [/align]

(Thanks yangninja for the help)

 

 

Riou is a 17 year old eager duellist travelling to a new city with his mom. The new city has the world’s second largest duel academy and his mum applied for him to enter. He is typically a much laid back person but it always determined in what he believes in.

Some spelling errors in here. And it's never quite good to begin a story with descriptions of a guy. Usually you tell where they are' date=' who's there, and have a snippet of dialogue. Or at least that's what I'm used to seeing.[/color']

 

After a five hour journey to get to the city, Riou's mum takes him straight to the Duel Academy she applied him for. The school covered 10% of the total city. His mother took Riou inside the main building on the 5th floor to the director's office and waited outside.

Well, the mum part automatically says you're British. That's cool. BUT WHAT KINDA FREAKING SCHOOL COVERS UP 1/10th OF A CITY?! Did they...build the city around it? Did they...blow up a large section of the city and air lift the school down? So first they...drive there, I suppose, with no real action. Then they keep silently driving to the place and silently go into the elevator(with silent elevator music). BO~RING PARA~GRAPH.

 

A calm voice shouts "Come In!" The door was opened and Riou walked in with his mother. Inside the room was a wall covered in elegant gold duel trophies; all polished to reflect the brown desk in the centre. On the desk was a golden name plate which has the engraving 'Professor Heaton.'

You know, what do these people look like? And what did the rest of the building look like? No awesome thoughts as they walked through the halls? Like maybe...I'm here., or It...it's so...CLEAN here.... Just anything is better than rushing.

 

The man says "Ah good; you must be Riou and Shina. I am Professor Heaton, please have a seat." "First of all, welcome to Duel Academy Laurus. This is one of the best schools in the country, you should be proud." Riou was kicking back on his chair staring blankly into the blank ceiling.

WAAH! THERE WAS A MAN BEHIND THE DESK?! I know, but you DIDN'T SAY THAT BEFORE. So if he was expecting them, I suppose he was just waiting in there for SIX HOURS. Maybe you could add some emotion into the person by having him walk into the family in the hallway. He's sweaty and tired because he'd just been playing some sort of sport. Just ADD SOME FEELING TO THESE BORING PEOPLE ALREADY.

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” He replies. SLAP! His mother slapped him. “You will treat Professor Heaton with respect!” The professor smirks. “Let it be Miss. Let it be. He is quite a feat of a child.” He replies. “Anyway, it’s getting late. I’m sure you are tired from your long journey. We have made arrangements for a new dorm room for you. You currently don’t have any room mates; however you may have soon. “His mom gave him a kiss on the forehead and left the building whilst Riou moved to his room and got some well deserved sleep.

WOAH!! I said add emotion, but THAT'S TOO MUCH!! The kid's a punk and the mom's an S(sadist)?! And you add NEW PARAGRAPHS when somebody else speaks. But what would somebody mean by 'such a feat of a child'? Like he's deformed? Or retarded? You should have just said 'you have such an amazing child, or so I've heard'. NO PLAGIARIZING!! And moms should be sad about leaving their children. Why didn't she say anything? She's like a stranger.

 

Oh, one more thing...SHOULDN'T HE HAVE A SUITCASE OR SOMETHING?! Did he just leave ALL his possessions at home? What a loser...

 

The next morning Riou went outside to experience the size of the campus. Outside were two boys roughly five years younger than him. They were finishing up a duel.

 

“I won!” the bigger one shouted. “Now give me your card!” he snatched off the card ‘The Tricky’ from the little kid and walked off, leaving the little boy crying.

Wow. HOW ORIGINAL. This idea's been done to death. And you didn't SAY that the big guy was beating a younger kid, you just kinda said they were the same. Why couldn't we have walked in at the end of the duel? That would have been more anime-esque. And the loser's a dork if he's crying over a stupid awesome Tricky. Sure, it's good, but it's just a RARE. Buy three for under 10$, I think.

 

In anger, Riou shouted “Hey you!” The bully turned to him. “Return his card now.” The boy pulled his tongue at Riou and said “It’s my card now. If you want it back then you’re gonna have to duel me for it.” “Fine!” Riou Agrees. Both players insert their decks into their duel disks and the duel began:

Ridiculous paragraphing again. This story is WAAAY too fast-paced, and this part really puts that into the foreground.

 

Riou - 4000 LP

Hand - 5

 

Student - 4000 LP

Hand - 5

 

Riou: I’ll start this game off DRAW! I set 1 card and send it to the Graveyard to summon Spatial Beast Rudian!!

 

Effect - This card can only be Normal Summoned by sending 1 Spell or Trap Card you control to the Graveyard. Once per turn you can negate 1 attack by discarding 1 card. As long this card is face-up on the field, each time your opponent activates a Spell Card, send the top card from your opponent's Deck to the Graveyard.

Next I set 2 cards and End.

Okay so far. but he didn't say he ended his turn...

 

Student: It’s time for you greatest nightmares to turn into reality. Come Forth Berserker Shark

 

Effect - This card is also treated as a Beast-Type monster. During battle between this attacking card and a Defense Position monster whose DEF is lower than the ATK of this card, inflict the difference as Battle Damage to your opponent. If this card attacks, flip it into face-down Defense Position at the end of the Damage Step.

 

Now Berserker Shark, attack his beast! (Riou -800LP) After attacking, my Shark flips down into defense mode. Then set 2 cards down. I End.

BAD GRAMMAR ALERT. The summon line is out of whack.

 

Riou - 3200 LP

Hand - 2

 

Student - 4000 LP

Hand - 3

 

Riou: Thank you! Now I draw. I play the spell ‘Foolish Burial’. This allows me to send my ‘Nala, the Little Reaper’ from my deck to my graveyard.

Student: I guess you’re pretty embarrassed to let me kill it huh?

Riou: Now you will now see why. Activate Spell Card ‘Precious Synchro!’ This means that I can Synchro Summon from my graveyard. Come now Ultima Demon!

 

Effect - 1 DARK Tuner + 1 or more non-Tuner monsters

When this card attacks, your opponent discard cards equal to the number of monster on Defense Position on the field. Place 1 Ultima Counter on this card (max. 3) for each card discarded by this effect. By removing 1 Ultima Counter from this card, select 1 monster you control and 1 monster on your opponent's Graveyard. The selected monster's effect becomes the effect of the monster on your opponent's Graveyard until the End Phase.

 

Student: *Shivering* what is this?

Riou: I’m not done yet next I summon Sasarai Oni

Grammar police call.

 

Effect - This card cannot be destroyed by battle with a monster whose Original ATK is lower than this card's ATK. If this card is equipped with an Equip Spell Card, during battle between this attacking card and a Defense Position monster whose DEF is lower than the ATK of this card, inflict the difference as Battle Damage to your opponent. By sending 1 Equip Spell Card equipped to this card to the Graveyard, destroy 1 Spell or Trap Card on the field.

 

I’ll now reveal my trap card Cursed Chains and equip it to Sasarai Oni

This means that if I attack your face down monster, I get to inflict piercing damage. (Student -1400LP) Your little fish has just become fish fingers.

 

Student: No! you’ll Pay fool

Riou: Demon, finish this. Dark Ray Cannon!

Student: Not so fast I activate Enchanted Javelin. It will make sure that there is no change to my Life Points.

Riou: Damn! I end.

UGH! ULTRA-CRAP GRAMMAR!! You're getting too excited while typing it here, slow down and maybe spend more that an HOUR per chapter!

 

Riou - 3200 LP

Hand - 0

 

Student - 2600 LP

Hand - 3

 

Student: It’s time for my come back! I activate my face-down card: ‘Call of the Haunted’ which brings back my Berserker Shark.

Next I tribute my Shark in order to summon ‘Great Majju Garzett.’ This card’s ATK is double of the monster I tribute meaning that if my shark had 2400 ATK. This has 4800!

Riou: I then use my face down card ‘Mystical Space Typhoon’ to remove Cursed Chains from my field and return the ATK of 'Sasarai Oni' to 1700

Student: Now I attack your Oni. Say good bye. You only have 100LP left. What are you gonna do?

Riou: Remember his effect means that he cannot be destroyed by battle if a monster has lower original attack.

Student: Grr it doesn’t matter do you really think you can win this duel. You’re only 1 turn away from doom. I End my turn.

YO! Use more commas, question marks, periods, the works. This paragraph was the worst. It burned my eyes. Just look at it for yourself and figure it out.

 

Riou - 100 LP

Hand - 0

 

Student - 2600 LP

Hand - 3

 

Riou: (Ok I need to draw a good card) I DRAW! (Yes just the card I needed.) I play ‘Living Soul Snare’ this turns your Garzett into defence position and Garzett has 0 DEF. I now attack with my ‘Ultima Demon.’

Student: I’ll still live.

Riou: You are forgetting about his special effect. When he attacks, you discard a card for every monster you control in defence position. ‘Ultima Demon’ then gains a counter for each card you discarded. By removing one of these counters I can have him gain the effect of your ‘Berserker Shark’; thus giving him Piercing damage.

(Student -2600LP)

Cya little kid!

Student: No way how could I’ve lost. Here take the card

AAARGH!! Your grammar and pacing hath killed me. I didn't like the duel one bit BECAUSE OF THAT. Otherwise, it'd be fine. I guess, since my eyes were too busy burning.

 

After the duel, Riou hands the card back to the little kid and states “remember to believe in yourself and you will always have the spirits on your side.” The boy whips the tears of his face and places ‘The Tricky’ back to his deck. “Thank you!” the boy shouted whilst going in for a hug.

What's wrong with you?! Your dialouge went downhill fast in this fic. This was the worst, sappiest, most obvious paragraph.

 

 

This would have turned out FAR batter if you'd taken more time with this. The characters weren't fleshed out. The setting was...white blank nothingness? I don't know. This overall plot was EASILY expected, I always knew JUST what would happen next. The first chapter is always the most important for grabbing readers, so you don't want more critical people that who's already been reviewing this story to down it for the boringness of it all. Spellcheck this baby, then WRITE MORE INSTEAD OF BEING A LAZY ASS-LIKE CREATURE AND BUMPING!!

[Zeaux]

Hello' date=' it's review time. I'm here to criticize your work honestly.

 

[align=center]

Why...is Yusei on the cover...?

 

Chapter 1 [/align]

(Thanks yangninja for the help)

 

 

Riou is a 17 year old eager duellist travelling to a new city with his mom. The new city has the world’s second largest duel academy and his mum applied for him to enter. He is typically a much laid back person but it always determined in what he believes in.

Some spelling errors in here. And it's never quite good to begin a story with descriptions of a guy. Usually you tell where they are, who's there, and have a snippet of dialogue. Or at least that's what I'm used to seeing.

 

After a five hour journey to get to the city, Riou's mum takes him straight to the Duel Academy she applied him for. The school covered 10% of the total city. His mother took Riou inside the main building on the 5th floor to the director's office and waited outside.

Well, the mum part automatically says you're British. That's cool. BUT WHAT KINDA FREAKING SCHOOL COVERS UP 1/10th OF A CITY?! Did they...build the city around it? Did they...blow up a large section of the city and air lift the school down? So first they...drive there, I suppose, with no real action. Then they keep silently driving to the place and silently go into the elevator(with silent elevator music). BO~RING PARA~GRAPH.

 

A calm voice shouts "Come In!" The door was opened and Riou walked in with his mother. Inside the room was a wall covered in elegant gold duel trophies; all polished to reflect the brown desk in the centre. On the desk was a golden name plate which has the engraving 'Professor Heaton.'

You know, what do these people look like? And what did the rest of the building look like? No awesome thoughts as they walked through the halls? Like maybe...I'm here., or It...it's so...CLEAN here.... Just anything is better than rushing.

 

The man says "Ah good; you must be Riou and Shina. I am Professor Heaton, please have a seat." "First of all, welcome to Duel Academy Laurus. This is one of the best schools in the country, you should be proud." Riou was kicking back on his chair staring blankly into the blank ceiling.

WAAH! THERE WAS A MAN BEHIND THE DESK?! I know, but you DIDN'T SAY THAT BEFORE. So if he was expecting them, I suppose he was just waiting in there for SIX HOURS. Maybe you could add some emotion into the person by having him walk into the family in the hallway. He's sweaty and tired because he'd just been playing some sort of sport. Just ADD SOME FEELING TO THESE BORING PEOPLE ALREADY.

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” He replies. SLAP! His mother slapped him. “You will treat Professor Heaton with respect!” The professor smirks. “Let it be Miss. Let it be. He is quite a feat of a child.” He replies. “Anyway, it’s getting late. I’m sure you are tired from your long journey. We have made arrangements for a new dorm room for you. You currently don’t have any room mates; however you may have soon. “His mom gave him a kiss on the forehead and left the building whilst Riou moved to his room and got some well deserved sleep.

WOAH!! I said add emotion, but THAT'S TOO MUCH!! The kid's a punk and the mom's an S(sadist)?! And you add NEW PARAGRAPHS when somebody else speaks. But what would somebody mean by 'such a feat of a child'? Like he's deformed? Or retarded? You should have just said 'you have such an amazing child, or so I've heard'. NO PLAGIARIZING!! And moms should be sad about leaving their children. Why didn't she say anything? She's like a stranger.

 

Oh, one more thing...SHOULDN'T HE HAVE A SUITCASE OR SOMETHING?! Did he just leave ALL his possessions at home? What a loser...

 

The next morning Riou went outside to experience the size of the campus. Outside were two boys roughly five years younger than him. They were finishing up a duel.

 

“I won!” the bigger one shouted. “Now give me your card!” he snatched off the card ‘The Tricky’ from the little kid and walked off, leaving the little boy crying.

Wow. HOW ORIGINAL. This idea's been done to death. And you didn't SAY that the big guy was beating a younger kid, you just kinda said they were the same. Why couldn't we have walked in at the end of the duel? That would have been more anime-esque. And the loser's a dork if he's crying over a stupid awesome Tricky. Sure, it's good, but it's just a RARE. Buy three for under 10$, I think.

 

In anger, Riou shouted “Hey you!” The bully turned to him. “Return his card now.” The boy pulled his tongue at Riou and said “It’s my card now. If you want it back then you’re gonna have to duel me for it.” “Fine!” Riou Agrees. Both players insert their decks into their duel disks and the duel began:

Ridiculous paragraphing again. This story is WAAAY too fast-paced, and this part really puts that into the foreground.

 

Riou - 4000 LP

Hand - 5

 

Student - 4000 LP

Hand - 5

 

Riou: I’ll start this game off DRAW! I set 1 card and send it to the Graveyard to summon Spatial Beast Rudian!!

 

Effect - This card can only be Normal Summoned by sending 1 Spell or Trap Card you control to the Graveyard. Once per turn you can negate 1 attack by discarding 1 card. As long this card is face-up on the field, each time your opponent activates a Spell Card, send the top card from your opponent's Deck to the Graveyard.

Next I set 2 cards and End.

Okay so far. but he didn't say he ended his turn...

 

Student: It’s time for you greatest nightmares to turn into reality. Come Forth Berserker Shark

 

Effect - This card is also treated as a Beast-Type monster. During battle between this attacking card and a Defense Position monster whose DEF is lower than the ATK of this card, inflict the difference as Battle Damage to your opponent. If this card attacks, flip it into face-down Defense Position at the end of the Damage Step.

 

Now Berserker Shark, attack his beast! (Riou -800LP) After attacking, my Shark flips down into defense mode. Then set 2 cards down. I End.

BAD GRAMMAR ALERT. The summon line is out of whack.

 

Riou - 3200 LP

Hand - 2

 

Student - 4000 LP

Hand - 3

 

Riou: Thank you! Now I draw. I play the spell ‘Foolish Burial’. This allows me to send my ‘Nala, the Little Reaper’ from my deck to my graveyard.

Student: I guess you’re pretty embarrassed to let me kill it huh?

Riou: Now you will now see why. Activate Spell Card ‘Precious Synchro!’ This means that I can Synchro Summon from my graveyard. Come now Ultima Demon!

 

Effect - 1 DARK Tuner + 1 or more non-Tuner monsters

When this card attacks, your opponent discard cards equal to the number of monster on Defense Position on the field. Place 1 Ultima Counter on this card (max. 3) for each card discarded by this effect. By removing 1 Ultima Counter from this card, select 1 monster you control and 1 monster on your opponent's Graveyard. The selected monster's effect becomes the effect of the monster on your opponent's Graveyard until the End Phase.

 

Student: *Shivering* what is this?

Riou: I’m not done yet next I summon Sasarai Oni

Grammar police call.

 

Effect - This card cannot be destroyed by battle with a monster whose Original ATK is lower than this card's ATK. If this card is equipped with an Equip Spell Card, during battle between this attacking card and a Defense Position monster whose DEF is lower than the ATK of this card, inflict the difference as Battle Damage to your opponent. By sending 1 Equip Spell Card equipped to this card to the Graveyard, destroy 1 Spell or Trap Card on the field.

 

I’ll now reveal my trap card Cursed Chains and equip it to Sasarai Oni

This means that if I attack your face down monster, I get to inflict piercing damage. (Student -1400LP) Your little fish has just become fish fingers.

 

Student: No! you’ll Pay fool

Riou: Demon, finish this. Dark Ray Cannon!

Student: Not so fast I activate Enchanted Javelin. It will make sure that there is no change to my Life Points.

Riou: Damn! I end.

UGH! ULTRA-CRAP GRAMMAR!! You're getting too excited while typing it here, slow down and maybe spend more that an HOUR per chapter!

 

Riou - 3200 LP

Hand - 0

 

Student - 2600 LP

Hand - 3

 

Student: It’s time for my come back! I activate my face-down card: ‘Call of the Haunted’ which brings back my Berserker Shark.

Next I tribute my Shark in order to summon ‘Great Majju Garzett.’ This card’s ATK is double of the monster I tribute meaning that if my shark had 2400 ATK. This has 4800!

Riou: I then use my face down card ‘Mystical Space Typhoon’ to remove Cursed Chains from my field and return the ATK of 'Sasarai Oni' to 1700

Student: Now I attack your Oni. Say good bye. You only have 100LP left. What are you gonna do?

Riou: Remember his effect means that he cannot be destroyed by battle if a monster has lower original attack.

Student: Grr it doesn’t matter do you really think you can win this duel. You’re only 1 turn away from doom. I End my turn.

YO! Use more commas, question marks, periods, the works. This paragraph was the worst. It burned my eyes. Just look at it for yourself and figure it out.

 

Riou - 100 LP

Hand - 0

 

Student - 2600 LP

Hand - 3

 

Riou: (Ok I need to draw a good card) I DRAW! (Yes just the card I needed.) I play ‘Living Soul Snare’ this turns your Garzett into defence position and Garzett has 0 DEF. I now attack with my ‘Ultima Demon.’

Student: I’ll still live.

Riou: You are forgetting about his special effect. When he attacks, you discard a card for every monster you control in defence position. ‘Ultima Demon’ then gains a counter for each card you discarded. By removing one of these counters I can have him gain the effect of your ‘Berserker Shark’; thus giving him Piercing damage.

(Student -2600LP)

Cya little kid!

Student: No way how could I’ve lost. Here take the card

AAARGH!! Your grammar and pacing hath killed me. I didn't like the duel one bit BECAUSE OF THAT. Otherwise, it'd be fine. I guess, since my eyes were too busy burning.

 

After the duel, Riou hands the card back to the little kid and states “remember to believe in yourself and you will always have the spirits on your side.” The boy whips the tears of his face and places ‘The Tricky’ back to his deck. “Thank you!” the boy shouted whilst going in for a hug.

What's wrong with you?! Your dialouge went downhill fast in this fic. This was the worst, sappiest, most obvious paragraph.

 

 

This would have turned out FAR batter if you'd taken more time with this. The characters weren't fleshed out. The setting was...white blank nothingness? I don't know. This overall plot was EASILY expected, I always knew JUST what would happen next. The first chapter is always the most important for grabbing readers, so you don't want more critical people that who's already been reviewing this story to down it for the boringness of it all. Spellcheck this baby, then WRITE MORE INSTEAD OF BEING A LAZY ASS-LIKE CREATURE AND BUMPING!!

 

No one is perfect, why don't you do a fic too??? You are sooooooo expert on this. Learn how to be a good person

[Weather Report - Stand]

Dude, I have two already. I can't readily write it so quickly until school's over, but you haven't made a new chapter in weeks, either. Get over it, I'm honest.

[Zeaux]

I didn't made the 2 chapter yet cuz I have a life 8D Live first, family second, girls third and YCM after

[Weather Report - Stand]

I understand. Sorry if what I was saying earlier about "yo nevah do anethin yoo dum blah blah blah" was offensive, I just get worked up when something isn't up to my own high, irritating standards.