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Yu-gi-oh! - Trails of Starlight...CHAPTER 3 - Kidnapped

.:Traceur:.

By .:Traceur:.
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ƬЦЯBӨƧƧ Newbie

ƬЦЯBӨƧƧ

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Hey DominikIII , will you be making the 'Zodiacs' into cards? And I have an idea, why not the wielder of all 'Zodiac' cards gains full immortality (This means that he cannot die, and has such power of a god).

 

By the way, I really enjoyed the 3rd chapter of this fan fic 8). And PM me if you need any help for your next chapter :).

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.:Traceur:. Newbie

.:Traceur:.

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Hey DominikIII ' date=' will you be making the 'Zodiacs' into cards? And I have an idea, why not the wielder of all 'Zodiac' cards gains full immortality (This means that he cannot die, and has such power of a god).

 

By the way, I really enjoyed the 3rd chapter of this fan fic 8). And PM me if you need any help for your next chapter :).[/color']

thx...i have made few zodiac cards...i will PM you the cards...the idea is good but i have one already..i will explain it to you true PM...^^

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Kendo Fish Newbie

Kendo Fish

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Okay...time to do a WEATHER REPORT.

So this is my first attempt for a Fan Fic. Comment and critics are welcome.

My english is not good. I have to say that jjackv2 and legendhiro helped me a lot. So big mention goes to jjackv2 and legendhiro.:D

Making spelling errors slightly forgivable. You should still SPELL-CHECK!!

[spoiler=The Prologue] Six cards scatter around the city called Neo Domino. Each card correspond to a certain constellation; Pegasus (Light)' date=' Taurus (Earth), Sagittarius (Dark), Aquarius (Water), Leo (Pyro) and Aquila (Wind).

Uh, it’s corresponds. Anywho, it’s not a city anymore? Just a domino? Boy, the future is whack, yo.

They have chosen their masters, known as Pathfinders. Pathfinders are destined to fight an evil organization, known as The Enlighters. For thousands of years the Pathfinders and the Enlighters continued to fight for the six Zodiac Cards, until the cards suddenly disappeared in the year when the crusader wars stopped.

Wait, so these Enlighteners are religious, and this is something about religion? A religion that is based around a CARD GAME, no less. OHHHH boy. Not too bad yet, but we’ll see how this goes. Also, since it’s only the stereotype, I think that every one of those six Pathfinders is going to be eighteen or younger, and most of them will be male, and introduced in the first few chapters. Woohoo.

After the disappearance of the Zodiac Cards, the Earth found peace. Now after a thousand years the Zodiac Cards have appeared again, searching for a new generation of Pathfinders to resume the battle started so long ago.

 

 

[spoiler= Chapter 1, The Beginning] “Riiiiing, riiiing…” my cell phone rang “No… Who is it now?!” So the cell phone talks. I know this because YOU DIDN’T PUT IN A NEW PARAGRAPH AFTER THE PHONE RANG. Must be tired of its job.

 

“Hey, Martin it’s Nick. Do you know what time it is?” said the guy on the other side of the phone

What!? No period? So that’s all and you weren’t even bothered to add punctuation at the end? That makes it look bad

“Mhm…I don’t know…” I replied.

 

“IT’S 10 TO 8!!! Hurry the teacher will be here any minute.” yelled Nick.

Two errors. First of all, there should be some form of punctuation after ‘hurry’. Second, the quotation should end with a comma, not a period, since the character is still speaking after the quotation. fixnaoplz

“Oh, s***!!! I can’t be late again. The teacher is gone kill me. I have to hurry.”

JUST WHAT I THOUGHT. THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE TEENS. What a surprise! He’s also a boy. HOW UNEXPECTED. I wish these cosmic forces would hurry up and pick a GIRL for something OTHER than Water, Wind and Light.

I jumped out of my bed, and put on a black shirt, jeans and sneakers.EW! So either he puts his clothes over his pajamas or he goes to sleep and wears NOTHING!? I ran from his room and jumped over the stairs.Wait, it’s not HIS room!? Whose room IS this? Does it belong to the lemur next door? I’m just gonna say it belongs to the lemur next door. I almost tripped, but I landed gracefully.Gracefully? So he landed on the tip of his toe, without a sound. Got it? In the kitchen was my mom, Mrs. Gilford. She was a very nice woman for her age. She has blue hair and is very tall.That’s all the description we get. Apparently it’s Marge Simpson, except she’s got a growth spurt. And also apparently, she USED to be nice, but is now very cranky. Must be the drugs she took when her son was whisked away into the wonderful world of Pathfinding. Also, if this is the LEMUR’S house, she is also apparently a criminal. She probably murdered him, and is “staying” in his house for “a few days”. By that I mean permanently. Wow. They have issues.

 

I passed quickly through the kitchen.

 

"Martin, do you want something to eat?” asked Mom

 

“No, mom. I have to hurry. I will be late at school.” replied Martin

You REALLY don’t like periods.

“Okay, then just buy something to eat. Do you have some money?”

 

“Yes, mom, But I really have to go now.”

 

“Okay. Bye and good luck at school.”

 

I closed the door and ran to the main street. Assuming this is a normal suburban street, there must be at least SOME cars there at the time. So he’s a stupid risk-lifey main character. I really hate him now. I was running about 10 minutes then someone passed on a motorcycle.TEN MINUTES RUNNING!?!? Forget the card games, this is an Olympic atlete! He or she took off the helmet.Why don’t you just say “They took off the helmet” or even “He – or she – took off the helmet”? This just sounds awkward! It was a guy. Just…a guy. Not anything specific, just…A GUY. So this GUY is a parakeet. How does he drive that motorcycle? Also, you’ve hardly described the main character’s appearance, so APPARENTLY he’s Nicolas Cage. Wow. He’s still going to school? I didn’t know he was that stupid. He really isn’t, but APPARENTLY in this story he is. WE ARE ALSO LOOKING AT ONE OF THE PATHFINDERS. Doy. Why else would he be here? He wouldn’t be, oh, an average student, would he?

 

“Hey, kid. I see that you are also late. Do you need a ride?” said the rider.

”Hello there, young chap. I see that you are also late for school, and therefore must need a ride. Would you like one?” WHO TALKS LIKE THIS!?

“Sure, why not. I don’t have anything against late to school” I said sarcastically.

Still hatin’ those periods, arent’cha? And he has nothing against a person named “Late to School”? It’s not BEING late to school, it’s just…late for school. Who’s Late for School, and why did Nicolas Cage suddenly bring HIM up?

I jumped on the motorcycle and the guy started the motor.He literally jumped on? He’s got some precision aim. Once again, this is an Olympic athlete in the making. So why the hell is he in a trading card game school (most likely)!? The wind blew strongly in my face. When we were riding, I couldn’t see anything. I saw only silhouettes from the buildings. So it’s either so early it’s dark, or just nighttime. You don’t see silhouettes unless they’re all black and shadowy. Faint images are NOT THE SAME as silhouettes. Finally we came to the school. I jumped off from the motorcycle and felt a little bit dizzy; the building in front of me is my school, 'Neo Domino Duel Academy'.I’d comment on this, but the original was already pretty stupid. I don’t really blame you.

 

“Thank you for the ride. What’s your name?” I said.

 

“My name is Benjamin but my friends call me Ben. Glad to meet you.” replied the rider

And apparently, he doesn’t want to know WHY THE HELL HE’S A FREAKING PARAKEET RIDING A FREAKING MOTORCYCLE but, instead, wants to know HIS NAME. Oh, come on, Nicolas Cage! You can do better than this.

“My name is Martin. Glad to meet you to.” To should be Too. Homonym alert!Ben was a head taller than me. I thought “He must be a senior.”he only just noticed this height difference. HE must not be too bright. Then I ran to the school doors but they were closed. “Oh no. I am late again. They will throw me out of Duel Academy.” OH NO. I AM SUDDENLY TALKING TO MYSELF IN A MONOTONE VOICE. FOR BEING TOO MUCH OF A LAZY ASS-LIKE CREATURE I WILL BE IMMEDIATELY EXPELLED. WHY AM I SO STUPID.”

 

I sat next to the doors and thought about how my mother would punish me but even worse, I didn't know what to do if I couldn't go to Duel Academy anymore.Go to the Olympic Sports Academy. I hear they’re now accepting people like Noclas cage. You’re a shoo-in. Then someone opened the doors. It was my teacher, Mr. Artillery. He teaches duel strategies. WOAH!! Mr. ARTILLERY!?!? That sounds more like a character in a gag manga than a SCHOOLTEACHER!!! And since we get NO description of this character other than him being a strategist, I’ll say he’s Sylvester Stallone. An interesting picture comes to mind: Nicolas Cage is sitting in high school, being taught by the guy who played Rocky and Rambo about children’s card games.

 

“Martin, you are late again! You are such a shame for this school. You will be expelled from the Duel Academy.” said Mr. ArtilleryI’m pretty sure he already knows that he’s late, Mr. Captain Obvious Speaking-in-a-monotone-voice Stallone.

 

“Please, Mr. Artillery don’t expel me from the Duel Academy. I love to go to Duel Academy. My best friends are here. Dueling is the only thing in what I am good.” I replied.Fix your grammar! Real people hardly talk like this! And YET AGAIN, there are LOTS of career opportunities for an Olympic athlete like you, Nicolas Cage. And if that doesn’t work out for you, there’s ALWAYS acting.

 

“Hmm… Then you got to prove it." he said "Lets make a deal, We are going to duel. If you win, you can stay. But if you lose you are expelled from the Duel Academy.”I won’t say that Sylvester Stallone wouldn’t normally say “you got to prove it”, but NO OTHER TEACHER I KNOW TALKS LIKE THIS. And as expected, Nicolas Cage will win. I know this because it’s so expected. And JUST when he’s about to win, he pulls out a signature card! GASP! Where have I seen that before?

 

“Hmm…Ok. I will duel you.” said Martin

OK should be Okay. Seriously, abbreviations should hardly ever be used in real stories.

“Let’s duel!” we both shouted.

 

Both 4000 LP

 

“I'll start first.” sad Mr. Artillery. He drew a card. “I activate Scapegoat”. A period OUTSIDE of the text!? That’s whack, yo! And Sylvester Stallone using SCAPEGOAT!?!? *loud, obnoxious laughter* Hard to imagine HIM of all people using a bunch of plushy goats in his deck.Four little plushy goats appeared. They looked so harmless. “And I Summon Green Gadget. The effect of Green Gadget allows me to add 1 Red Gadget to my hand. To end I set two cards and it’s your turn. Show me what you got.”Show we what ya got! Hoo huah! *punches air* Also, what’s Green Gadget loom like again? TELL US.

 

“Ok. Let’s go.” I drew and said “I activate Pot of Greed.” I drew two more cards. “Come here! Show yourself, Fiend Megacyber.”

Good. He’s not extremely into this duel. What’s still STUPID about this is he STILL says “Let’s go”. He’s not the least bit excited about it, either. lolwut

“I see you used my advantage because I have more monsters, to summon a Level 6 monster in your first turn. That’s good. I see you paid attention on the class.” said Mr. Artillery probably amazed.

Wow, basic strategy. It took me YEARS to figure THAT one out.

“Yes, I don’t sleep every time on your class. But let’s continue with the duel. I summon Armed Samurai Ben Kei in attack position and equip it with Big Bang Shot, Axe of Despair and Sword of Deep Seated."

NO DESCRIPTION MAKES KENDO FISH SAD. Also, do I have to look at Yu-Gi-O Wikia just to figure out these cards’ effects and stats?

Now my Armed Samurai Ben Kei has 2400 ATK. Fiend Megacyber attack his Goat Token.”

 

Mr. Artillery: “Not so fast. I activate my face-down card, Sakuretsu Armor. Your Fiend Megacyber is destroyed.”

 

Martin: “But I still have my Armored Samurai Ben Kei. Attack his Goat Token. The effect of Big Bang Shot makes you lose 2400 Life Points!

 

Mr. Artillery: “Uhh…That hurt little bit.” (LP 4000-2400=1600)

THIS DIALOGUE IS SO BLAND. Also, who besides Rocky Balboa (who would practically have to be DARED to say that in an actual situation) would say this? It hurt A LOT. He has less than half of his Life Points now! That’s not “a little bit”!

Martin: “I activate also Monster Reborn to Special Summon my Fiend Megacyber! For end I set face-down 2 cards.” (LP 4000)

Mr. Artillery: “It’s my turn!” He drew a card. “I summon Red Gadget and I can add 1 Yellow Gadget to my hand. I activate my face-down card, Dust Tornado and I will destroy your right card.”

 

Martin: “I activate my Mystical Space Typhoon and destroy your Dust Tornado!”

 

Mr. Artillery: “Alright, then I just set 3 cards and I end my turn.”(LP 1600)

 

Martin: He drew a card. “I sacrifice my Megacyber to summon Summoned Skull! (ATK 2500/DEF 1200) Attack his Goat Token!”

NOW YOU GIVE US THESE STATS. WHY NOW!?

Mr. Artillery: “I activate Mirror Force! That will destroy all your monster in attack position.”

 

Martin: “Unless I activate my Malfunction. I must pay 500 Life Points to negate the activation of a Spell or Trap Card. Summoned Skull continue with your attack!” (LP 3500)

Mr. Artillery: “I will redirect his attack to you by activating my card Magic Cylinder.”

 

Martin: “Aaaa!!!” I fell on my knees. (LP 1000)

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THE MAIN CHARATCTER LOSE. NO, THAT WAS NOT SARCASM. You actually dodged a bullet out there. You ACTUALLY made the main character LOSE his first duel.

HALLELUJAH!!!!!

Now for the bad part. That duel was utterly boring, and I skipped past some parts. Even though it ended unexpectedly, that doesn’t change the midsection of the whole thing. Also, “Aaaa” needs an H at the end. Probably more than one for a yell.

OHWAITNEVERMIND. HE DIDN’T LOSE!?!? BECAUSE THAT DUEL WAS SO BORING AND EASY TO SKIP OVER, I ACTUALLY TYPED THAT STUFF IN BELIEF THAT HE ACTUALLY LOST. GREAT. NOW I KNOW HE’S GOING TO MAKE A COMEBACK WITH HIS TRUMP CARD. THANKS A LOT, STORY.

Mr. Artillery: “Martin are you okay? Can you continue with the duel?”

”Did the hologram actually hurt you? Because that’s completely implausible and all that, y’know?” Also, WHY IS THE DUEL IN SCRIPT FORMAT WHEN THE REST OF THE STORY IS IN REGULAR STORY FORMAT!?!?

I stood up. “Ok, I am alright. It’s still my turn. Ben Kei, attack!!!”

”Of course I’m alright. I’m just an obnoxious snob of a drag queen. Ben Kei, attack!”

Mr. Artillery: “I have to disappoint you. I activate Draining Shield.” (LP 4000) Why don’t you tell us that it regains whatever damage it takes? You just say he activates it and BOOM he’s got Life Points. NOT EVERYBODY KNOWS EVERY FREAKIN’ CARD.

Martin: “I end my turn.” (LP 1000)

 

Mr. Artillery: “I draw. I think it’s time to end this duel. I sacrifice my Red and Green Gadget to Special Summon, Ancient Gear Gadjiltron Dragon (ATK 3000/DEF2000)! The most powerful monster in my deck! He also gets a Piercing effect.”

 

Martin. “Ok, but I will still not lose.”

 

Mr. Artillery: “Sorry Martin, but you are wrong. I activate Book of Moon. Your Ben Kei changes into face-down position and destroy all your Equip Cards. Ancient Gear Gadjiltron Dragon destroy his face-down card and finish the duel. Attack with Ancient Hurricane!”

 

Martin: “Nooo!!! His Life Points reduces to 0. “How could I lose?”

Now…to copy and paste. THANK YOU FOR MAKING THE MAIN CHARATCTER LOSE. NO, THAT WAS NOT SARCASM. You actually dodged a bullet out there. You ACTUALLY made the main character LOSE his first duel.

HALLELUJAH!!!!!

Still, that doesn’t change the fact that the duel itself was boring and not suspenseful.

Mr. Artillery: “I’ve got to say that you are a great a duelist and you could be one of the bests, but you have one problem…”

Wait. Just wait. NOW THE WHOLE STORY IS IN FREAKIN’ SCRIPT FORMAT, WHEN THE PART BEFORE THE DUEL WAS A REGUALR STORY, THE KIND I LIKE MORE. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!? WHEN DID YOU SAY “Hey, let’s just use script format” AND NOT REMEMBER HOW YOU HAD TYPED IT ORIGINALLY!?!? Bullcrap.

Martin: “What problem? Are my cards not strong enough?”

 

Mr. Artillery: “No. The problem isn’t in your cards then in you. You are to busy with winning that you forgot to play with your heart and that isn’t always important to win. You should have fun. Do you get it?”

No. Just no. NO. So the reason Rocky won all of those boxing matches is he had fun with it? That training montage was all for nothing? BULLCRAP. So Rambo shooting all of those guys was just done because he had fun? BULLCRAP. You need skill, strategy, and freakin’ awesome cards. Having fun with it would be using stupid cards like Mushroom Man #2 to me, which does NOT win you duels. And this inspirational speech is given none other than Sylvester Stallone himself. Wow. Just…wow.

Martin: “I think I know what are trying to say. Here is my Duel Disk and I will go for my stuffs. That was the deal.”

Go for his STUFFS!? *obnoxious and loud laughter* I’m sorry, but STUFFS!? This guy’s got serious problems.

Mr. Artillery: “ There's a mistake you've made." he said "'Ben Kei can attack once foeach equip spell on him. You won't need to. I think that you learned from your mistakes. That is the main thing that we are trying to learn you all in the Duel Academy. So I decided to forget this last time that you are late. But…”

HE LOOKED OVER BEN KEI’S EFFECT. NICOLAS CAGE IS SO…STUUUUPIIIDDDDDDD…..

“Oh, thank you Mr. Artillery!” He ran to Mr. Artillery and hugged him.

So Nicolas Cage hugs Sylvester Stallone. Wow. Awkward. At least there’s no CRAPPY SCRIPT FORMAT.

 

“You don’t need to be so emotional. But if you late one more time you will be expelled for real. Is that clear?”

Late is apparently a verb in this sentence. How did he late? How can ANYONE late? It’s BEING late. And by the way, SHOULDN’T SYLVESTER STALLONE BE TEACHING RIGHT NOW? “Oh, right, that thing. Just got fired today.” …lolwut

Martin stopped hugging Mr. Artillery and stood up like a soldier. “Clear, sir!”

 

“Now go to your class. I will explain it to the teacher why you're late.”

 

Martin ran through the door and finally came to his class.

Whatever THAT looks like. So, in the classroom which is apparently under Patrick Star’s rock…

“Sorry because I am late. I…” I stuttered.

 

“You don’t need to explain. Mr. Artillery already told me how the duel went.” said my teacher.

Oh, and just so you know, the teacher is apparently Snow White. Who would’ve though SHE would be teaching children’s card games, to Nicolas Cage, in a school where Sylvester Stallone works, under Patrick Star’s rock? Stories like this REALLY get me thinking…

“Thank you.”

 

“Sit there and pay attention now.”

 

She is such nice woman. You know what? This dialogue, for some reason, reminds me of Borat. It just does like that. So does Borat live inside of Nicolas Cage’s head? lolwut She is about 60 years old. She is my chemistry teacher. She’s really aged since that Disney movie, and doesn’t look the least bit aged. Would you believe she was only a few months old when the film was first shown!?

 

(I will skip the next two hours of class and go to the lunch)

Not just lunch. THE lunch.

I walked through the canteen searching for my friends. He WALKS…through a CANTEEN. That Nicolas cage does the darndest things! But why would his friends be in a container that holds BEVERAGES!? Then just one guy pushed me.Not ten thousand, like last time. Boy, people sure do hate Nicolas Cage these days. He was almost 2 meters high. You could see that he was going to the fitness-room.He’s apparently Mickey Rourke. Explains why he’s a bully; his plastic surgery was a bit tragic.

 

“Watch where you go, kid!” said the taller kid.He’s still a kid? So he looks 55 or something and is still in his teens.

 

“Hey, you are the one who pushed me. I was just trying to find my friends.” I said a bit angered.

GRAMMAR.

“I don’t care for who were you looking for." the kid said "My name is John. I challenge you to a duel. Then you will feel my wrath!.”

HE IS NOT JOHN. HE IS MICKEY ROURKE. A n exclamation mark AND a period. That’s kind of stupid. Also, it looks like Mickey Rourke is reading the wrong script. He’s reading the one for an evil mastermind, not a high school bully.

“Ok, I don’t have anything against a duel.” I said

Dueling why?

We shouted “Duel!”

Basically you need more interesting duels, better grammar, and if grammar is hard for you, you should get more help from those helpers you’ve mentioned there on grammar. Also, describe. Having a cast of Nicolas Cage, a dead lemur, Marge Simpson, Ben the Parakeet, Sylvester Stallone, Snow White and Mickey Rourke is just odd, and totally random. The fact that I made those up just makes it even worse.

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Kendo Fish Newbie

Kendo Fish

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The third chapter is admittedly better than the previous ones, but remember to use "I'm" more often than "I am", and other contractions.

 

That chapter taught me an important lesson. If you're a thug and you see a kid running for no apparent reason on the streets, just tell them you know where they're heading and take their crap. Alternatively, you can challenge them to a card game.

 

HEY! Nicolas Cage didn't get the DARK, FIRE or EARTH-attributed card. Heythat'sgoodyo.

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