Prada Posted May 25, 2009 Report Share Posted May 25, 2009 =O Not bad. Just remember the secret society where everyone bows to Larxene so she doesn't destroy them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyber Altair Posted May 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2009 There isn't one of those. At least not a Larxene one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nexev Posted May 25, 2009 Report Share Posted May 25, 2009 Then Larxene would destroy everyone. And the Lar Prognosticus will be fulfilled. Bear in mind that Organization XIII is the most prominent (we had to get a new thread as the old one couldn't handle over 600 pages) organization in this forum. So yeah, I expect to see them either appear or mentioned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 =O Not bad. Just remember the secret society where everyone bows to Larxene so she doesn't destroy them. General isn't that secret, you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelsthla-Mental Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 Cool start for the story, drop your character in and stick them in danger. What fun... And how much your main character must hate you. Umm... something constructive... Most has been said I guess... Your New World in the early lines is all in capitals, perhaps it was meant to, but then the bold beginning line didn't have capitals. And yeah, cliffhanger... You not only like to torture your main character, but us as well? Anyway, looks awesome and wish you luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zexaeon Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 Hmmm, I was expecting a bit better. The story is fine, but there's a few grammatical issues I can't get over due to my being a Grammar Nazi. You should watch your tenses, too - at one point, you write in the past, 3rd person tense, but then you switch to present progressive a couple times. Also, I expect to see a longer chapter next time. Keep at it. ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyber Altair Posted May 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 It's in capital for emphasis mainly =P Hmmm' date=' I was expecting a bit better. The story is fine, but there's a few grammatical issues I can't get over due to my being a Grammar Nazi. You should watch your tenses, too - at one point, you write in the past, 3rd person tense, but then you switch to present progressive a couple times. Also, I expect to see a longer chapter next time. Keep at it. ^^[/quote'] I hate tenses =[ I'm trying to narrate the story both from Nexis's point of view and me as the narrator to explain other characters feeling in depth yet give what's going on in Nexis mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyhe Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 A lovely starting for the whole thing, I won't have much to say at this stage...but I'll look forward to future chapters to come... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyber Altair Posted May 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 Thanks for checking it out =] New chapter is up which is more than double the size of the first. I checked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aelsthla-Mental Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 That chapter raised more questions then answers. But hey, now we know Raven is going to arrive on the scene soon. ...Well, we don't know, but it's a pretty safe assumption, if a person can teleport to a mountain, from wherever Raven is they should get there in a hurry. Oh, and an idea, when you go "Gothic" or something like that, give a brief description of it anyway, for those who don't know what the word means, or portrays I should probably say. Just tossing it out there. Oh, and pleeeease capitalize the "Your New World" in bold? Makes me feel better if you do :). Anyway, looking good! I think this is the millionth amazing time i've said this, but good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Legacy Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 Nice Chapter 2, I think i know who most of the people are, except the stranger. Im intreged and hope to see Chapter 3 whenever :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyber Altair Posted May 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 Thanks. That chapter raised more questions then answers. But hey' date=' now we know Raven is going to arrive on the scene soon. ...Well, we don't know, but it's a pretty safe assumption, if a person can teleport to a mountain, from wherever Raven is they should get there in a hurry. Oh, and an idea, when you go "Gothic" or something like that, give a brief description of it anyway, for those who don't know what the word means, or portrays I should probably say. Just tossing it out there. Oh, and pleeeease capitalize the "Your New World" in bold? Makes me feel better if you do :). Anyway, looking good! I think this is the millionth amazing time i've said this, but good luck![/quote'] My pleasure. Also they didn't teleport, but the man is so fast he carried Nexis without him even feeling. The word Gothic was added in the last minute to give the impression of a huge door. Thanks again =] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyhe Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 Alright, the new chapter only further dumb-struck us here. But I want more answers now... And who is that guy, I wonder? Also, I like the way you expressed things...using Oriental or Gobi Desert to describe the desert feel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prada Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 sheet just got real. Second chapter was bad ass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyber Altair Posted May 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 Glad you liked it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Legacy Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 Also, how many Chapters are you intending to do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 I think I've figured out who the seven people are. It's the Council of Doom! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyber Altair Posted May 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 =O DUNDUNDUN Also' date=' how many Chapters are you intending to do?[/quote'] idk really. Haven't set the story into chapters yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Legacy Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 Also' date=' how many Chapters are you intending to do?[/quote'] idk really. Haven't set the story into chapters yet. Ok then, can't wait to read them all though XD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezio Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 [align=center]IS the man in the shadows YCMaker? And the 7 part of/the mod team?[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyber Altair Posted May 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 [align=center]IS the man in the shadows YCMaker? And the 7 part of/the mod team?[/align] I'm sorry but we don't comment on speculations and rumors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezio Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 [align=center]Wha? ... Am I wrong then?[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Legacy Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 [align=center]Wha? ... Am I wrong then?[/align] No, but why should he spoil it, theres absolutly no sense is there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezio Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 [align=center]STFU I understand that.[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Legacy Posted May 26, 2009 Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 [align=center]STFU I understand that.[/align] Ok ok, calm down....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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