PsycicMaster10101 Posted May 24, 2009 Report Share Posted May 24, 2009 chapter 1[spoiler=Zero] There was darkness then suddenly a flash of white. Zero is an 11 year old boy with white hair. He dosn't have any friends and lives in an area of the old satalite. Zero gasped for air he couldn't remember anything exept that he was heading towards the card store for a new deck to get into Duel academy with. "Oh darn iv'e only got 10 more minuets!" said Zero as he glanced at his watch then he started running towards the shop. He ran in and got in line. It got to his turn with only 5 more minuets. "One Cyber deck please" He said "Your lucky this is the last one" Said the storekeeper. Zero put the deck in his Duel Disk and ran to the Duel arena. "The last duel is about to begin Jaden Yuki verses Zero Bell" the judge shouted. "Duel!" Zero shouted. "Get your game on" Shouted Jaden. chapter 2[spoiler=duel Zero vs Jaden] Jaden: I hope you have a good deck because im giving this my all. Zero: Oh im using a good deck alright. Jaden: My turn first draw, just so you know im not using my deck im using an exam deck, I summon vorse raider in attack mode (atk 1900) I throw down two face downs and end my turn (life 8000 hand 3). Zero: Thats all I was hoping for a challenge i summon the cyber dragon (atk 2100) now I set one monster. Now cyber dragon attack vorse raider. Jaden: I activate magic cylinder (Zero life 5900). Zero: I set one card face down and end my turn (hand 3). Jaden: Draw totally sweet I play pot of greed so i draw two cards now i activate graceful charity drawing three cards and discarding two cards (discards negate attack and Cyber ouroboros) then I activate my other face down soul release removing cyber ouroboros from play so i draw a card. Zero: Your stalling. Jaden: No im not im trying to get the right card and i drew it go final destiny discarding five cards and destroying every other card on the field. Zero: Oh no. Jaden: Oh yes. Since I discarded Broww I draw one card now I set one monster and end my turn (life 8000 hand 0). I find it hard to make duels so only half a duel will be done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted May 24, 2009 Report Share Posted May 24, 2009 Hup! I'm getting a prediction from the future here. Zero, the Stu with the cliched name and the cliched hair, is going to beat Jaden in the next chapter! Shocking! What's even greater, he's going to do it with a deck that's only been used, what, a hundred or so times before? I'm amazed! [/sarc] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PsycicMaster10101 Posted May 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2009 dude it was the only deck i could think of plus he will get a new deck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted May 25, 2009 Report Share Posted May 25, 2009 If you're really putting that little thought into a fic, then drop it now. The more planning that you put into something, the more likely you'll be willing to continue it; it's been "scientifically" proven. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mysty Posted May 25, 2009 Report Share Posted May 25, 2009 PsycicMaster, this fan-fic-writing thing isn't really working out for you. You made a good try with both your fan-fics though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanAtlus Posted May 25, 2009 Report Share Posted May 25, 2009 First think of something to start writing with.It doesn't need to be much, but something....Hell, I started just writing my fic, but it grew out to be something.Don't use Jaden. One or two cameos are good, but jeez...don't start the story with him.The first opponent in a fic should be remarkably strong, not someone like Jaden...Good luck with your next one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PsycicMaster10101 Posted May 26, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2009 damn im just gonna stick with reading fan-fics maby someday ill put a new one in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stigma_Horrizone Posted May 27, 2009 Report Share Posted May 27, 2009 Just read other fics to get your groove on, thats how my fic started. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrabHelmet Posted May 27, 2009 Report Share Posted May 27, 2009 First of all, the writing is terrible. Improve your ability with the English language, because the current version reads like it was written by a half-asleep third grader. Furthermore, the scenario makes no sense. A kid has lost his memory without any explanation (obviously a pathetic excuse to save you the trouble of creating an actual background), the "satalite" is somehow coexisting with Jaden, an eleven-year-old is trying to get into Duel Academy (which means that he is about four years too young, since Duel Academy is the equivalent of a high school), he is trying to get into Duel Academy with a structure deck that he only just purchased, Jaden has randomly become an entrance examination opponent despite it being completely out-of-character for him, and Jaden has inexplicably ditched his usual deck and replaced it with some holy pile of random that includes completely unrelated and terrible cards. Secondarily, "Zero" is a horribly cliched name. Only Lelouch Vi Britannia and Nobuyuki Fukumoto are allowed to use it. Sixth and lastly, you aren't even getting the card effects right. Cyber Ouroboros doesn't let you draw unless you send a card from your hand to the Graveyard, and Final Destiny cannot be used with Broww, as Dark World effects are not activated when the discard is a cost rather than an effect. In conclusion: Your story is bad. Fix it or stop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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