First Fan Fic: YU-GI-OH: Tales of Power: Book One[CHAPTER 3 UP!]

[Archelaus]

This is my first Fan Fic, so don't expect too much.

 

[spoiler=Characters:]Henry->Main Protagonist

Elyza->His Younger Sister

Alex->Good Guy

Robert->Bad Guy

Alicia->Another Bad Guy

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter One: Beginning of the End]It was a pleasant morning as always in the town of Gilgulam. Many kids were playing a game called Duel Monsters, also known as Yu-Gi-Oh.

 

"I attack your Tsunami with my Epic Knight of Light!" says Henry, "Attack with Saber of Light!"

 

 

That is Henry, he's 14 yrs. old. He has brown spiky hair and strong blue eyes.

 

"Uggh, you win again" says Alex.

 

And that's Alex. He's a smart kid with red hair and green eyes. He's a year younger than Henry, but he's a good duelist.

 

"You know you can't beat big brother" said Elyza in a playful manner.

 

Elyza is Henry's younger sister but she's already good at dueling. She has long blonde hair and blue eyes as well.

 

"Don't worry, you'll be able to beat me. Maybe some day in a million years." Henry said while laughing.

 

"I will beat you!" Alex shouted angrily.

 

Suddenly darkness began to cover the whole town of Gilgulam. Everything stopped except the three young duelist.

 

"Big Brother, what just happened?" Elyza asked nervously.

 

"I, I don't know" Henry replied.

 

"Hey, who's that?" Alex asked while pointing at a tree on a hill.

 

"I'll check it out" said Henry starting to walk towards the tree.

 

"Wait for us!" Elyza exclaimed while walking nervously with Alex.

 

Henry was halfway from the tree when a man appeared before him.

 

"Who are you?" Henry asked bravely.

 

"I'm no one of interest, just Duel me." the man said.

 

"Ok, you asked for it!" Henry said. "Let's Duel!"

 

So both of them wore their duel disks and started Dueling.

 

"Me first" the man said, drawing a card from his Deck, "I summon Nightmare Black Dragon in Attack Position."

 

 

"I also set 2 cards face-down" he said, "And I end my turn."

 

"Due to your card's effect" Henry said, "you need to pay 400 LP"

 

Stranger(3600 LP) Henry(4000)

 

"My turn" Henry said while drawing a card, "I summon Epic Knight of Death"

 

 

"I also activate Final Assault" he continued, "Doubling the ATK of my Epic Knight of Death(3400 ATK).

 

"Attack Nightmare Black Dragon! Then you discard a card because of my knight's effect." Henry shouted,"And I end my turn, since I used Final Strike->Epic Knight of Death is destroyed."

 

Stranger(2300) Henry(4000)

 

"You were just lucky" said the stranger,"I activate Card Destruction, it discards all the cards in our hand and lets us draw as many cards we discarded."

 

"Hahaha" the stranger laughed,"I activate Abyssal Fusion, this fuses my Nightmare Black Dragon and Doom Wing Dragon to summon Nightmare Doom Dragon"

 

At that moment, the ground collapsed and a destructive looking dragon appeared on the field.

 

 

"Because of its effect" he said,"It's ATK is now 3250."

 

"I also use Megamorph." he added, "It's ATK is now 6500"

 

"ATTACK!" the stranger exclaimed.

 

That's the first Chapter, hope you liked it.

[spoiler=Chapter Card]

 

[Maliki]

Awesome story I know that in the next chapter henry should use mirror force

[Archelaus]

thanks, hahaha,as a spoiler->Henry will really lose this one.h

[Pokemon95702]

it's good but when someone mysteriously appears and asks you to a duel you don't duel them, you run, but otherwise it's:D keep on the story I'm anxious to see what happens.8)

[Archelaus]

[spoiler=Chapter Two: Light Begins to Turn]At that moment, a giant flaming ball of fire came crashing down unto Henry.

 

Stranger(2300)Henry(0)

 

"Ugggh, I lost..." Henry said in astonishment.

 

"In return, I'll destroy this pathetic town!" the Stranger said, "Wahahahaha!"

 

Meanwhile at the bottom of the hill, another Duel was being held.

 

"I Tribute Aqua Bug and Horde Scorpion to Summon Trunade" said Alex in a stern voice, "This returns all your Spell and Trap Cards to your Deck and I use it to attack you directly."

 

 

"Why you little!" a woman said, "You'll pay for this!"

 

Woman(300)Alex(1300)

 

"My turn" the woman said while drawing a card, "I remove two FIRE monsters in my Graveyard to summon Inferno Magic Master and I also activate Tribute to the Doomed."

 

 

"Now, Trunade is destroyed and Inferno Magic Master's ATK becomes 3600" she said, "Attack him directly."

 

"Vertex Flame!" she said while laughing.

 

Woman(300)Alex(0)

 

"I lost..." Alex murmured.

 

"Alex, you lost" Elyza said while crying.

 

"Now, we'll destroy this stupid town" the woman cried out, "Bwahahahaha!"

 

Henry ran towards Alex and Elyza while the Stranger and the Woman appeared to have unleashed a destructive force on the town of Gilgulam.

 

"Dark Dreaded Destruction" the Stranger and Woman shouted.

 

"What the heck is happening?" Henry asked himself, "Why is this happening?

 

"What will happen to us?" Alex asked, "What!?"

 

Elyza kept on crying.

 

In a flash, the whole town of Gilgulam became a wasteland and the two Strangers disappeared.

 

"They'll pay for this!" Henry shouted, "They will PAY!!!"

 

And from there, the journey of the three to save the other cities and towns began. They're goal was to defeat the people which destroyed they're homeland.

 

"It has been 3 months since we strated our journey" Henry said, "I'm so tired."

 

"Big Brother!!!Look!!!" Elyza exclaimed cheerfully, "A city!"

 

"Elyza is right!" Alex replied, "It is a city!"

 

"According to the map, we have reached Doland" Henry said, "Maybe "they're" here."

 

Henry, Alex and Elyza spent the night in a hotel near the town square.

 

And soon, morning came. Elyza was first to wake up and decided to take a little walk.

 

"Hmm, so this is the town square?" she murmured, "Why aren't anyone awake yet?"

 

"Hey little girl!" a man said, "Are you lost?"

 

"Not really." Elyza replied nervously.

 

"Do you have any money?" the man said, "How about a Duel?"

 

"What's in it for me?" Elyza replied.

 

"If I win, you give me all your money" he said, "And if you win, I won't kill you!"

 

"What!?" she shouted.

 

So they began Dueling.

 

"Me first" Elyza said, "I summon Kitty Carus in Defense Position."

 

 

"And I also activate its effect!" she exclaimed, "And I put two cards face-down and end my turn."

 

Man(4000)Elyza(6000)

 

Suddenly, a dark energy seemed to vibrate from the man. This was proof that a Shadow Game was being played.

 

[spoiler=Chapter Card]

 

[DarkSleep]

Wow, nice fan fic. :D

[Murch]

pretty good story, good plot. the way of telling it could be improved. Otherwise, great job

[Archelaus]

thanks. i'll try to improve

[Archelaus]

BUMP

[Mysty]

Cool fan-fic tyler ex.

[Archelaus]

thanks

[Archelaus]

BUMP

[Gorm13]

Interesting story. Mysterious strangers who destroy towns after defeating kids in a duel? Sounds a bit too dramatic to me, but I'll be following the story further.

 

"Kitty Carus" seems very Lightsworn-like to me. Shouldn't its name be "Carus, Lightsworn Kitten"? Just a joke, more or less.

[RyanAtlus]

Please put cards in a spoiler. 1 Duel =/= multiple chapters, except for epic end Duels.

Doesn't seem too bad, just make sure you can get some fans when starting the fic by updating fast'n hard.

[Archelaus]

Thanks for the comments and advice, I'm just having a little vacation coz' I've been using a psp for typing. And its hard, lol. Chapter 3 is almost done.

[Archelaus]

[spoiler=Chapter Three-Shadows]"My turn" the stranger declared, "I summon Des Ra Imp the Caller of Fiends."

 

"Due to its effect," he said, "We can both Special Summon a monster in our hands"

 

 

"I Special Summon Ryu Kishin"

 

"And I Special Summon Star Force Dragon" Elyza declared.

 

 

"It's still my turn" the stranger said, "I activate Pot of Greed letting me draw two more cards."

 

"I activate Judgment of Desire to destroy all the cards on the field and in our hands!"

 

 

"WHAT!?" Elyza exclaimed.

 

After that, both Elyza and the Stranger selected two cards from their decks and added it to their hands.

 

"End Turn" the stranger said.

 

"My turn, I activate Empower the Weak!" Elyza said.

 

 

"I also Summon Hypnotist" Elyza said while scanning her hand, "I also pay 3000 Life Points to increase its attack by 2000."

 

 

"And since Empower the Weak s on the field, Its attack becomes 3000!Attack Directly!"

 

"Aaaaah" the Stranger exclaimed.

 

Stranger(1000)Elyza(3000)

 

"I guess it's my turn" the starnger said in pain.

 

"I activate Scapegoat and Blessings of the Mystical Elf!"

 

 

"This lets me draw 5 cards!"

 

"That's unfair!!!" Elyza said angrily.

 

"Finally, I activate 3 Dian Keto the Cure Master and I Set a card !" the stranger said.

 

Stranger(4000)Elyza(3000)

 

"I end my turn."

 

"Draw!!!" Elyza shouted.

 

"I activate Level Enhancer!, this increases the Level of the monsters in my hand by 2 and 1 monster on my field by 1."

 

"I summon Karco Yutai and also Special Summon Star Force Dragon(ATK 1600)."

 

"I tune Karco Yutai with Hypnotist to Summon Queen of the Weak!"

 

 

"Because of its effect, its level now drops to 1!"

 

"But that means..." the stranger replied.

 

"Yes it does, it is now affected by Empower the Weak!"

 

"Attack Directly!!!"

 

At that moment, Queen of the Weak disappeared and reappeared in front of the stranger but a rather magical cylinder appeared and fired like a cannon unto Elyza.

 

"I activate Magic Cylinder, this damages your Life Points by the ATK of Queen of the Weak!." the stranger laughed hysterically.

 

"Ouch!I also Attack with Star Force Dragon!!!" Elyza said.

 

Stranger(2300)Elyza(1700)

 

Elyza started to feel that something was wrong;whenever she took damage, she felt that the damage she took was real.

 

"So you feel it don't you?" the stranger asked.

 

"Felt what?" Elyza replied.

 

"That this is a Shadow Game."

 

"What's that."

 

"Whoever loses will be sent to another dimension, wahahaha."

 

"You're crazy!!!"

 

"I'm not lying."

 

"My turn!!!" Elyza said while barely standing on her feet.

 

"I feel really sick!" she said to herself.

 

Barely awake, she knew indeed that this was a Shadow Game.

 

[spoiler=Chapter Card]

 

[.:Incognito:.]

all of the cards are way OP

[knightmawk]

I don't like the card names, or the dialogue, also the fact that you used WoW for some of the cards pisses me off, but I mean the cards look pretty sweet, just don't like the names. Or the dialogue. And they may be just a bit overpowered, the cards that is. I mean with the Light Knight you end up with an insane amount of cards in your hand, with the Death Knight your opponent pretty much doesn't have sheet in his hand anymore, Tsunami's effect is pretty nuts actually Nightmare Doom Dragon would pretty much be a rape if you summoned it, like, first attack duel over man, with the summon thing, and the calculation is way to annoying, way to much math. Also why not just make it a dark card from the start?

[Kendo Fish]

Time for a WEATHER REPORT.

This is my first Fan Fic' date=' so don't expect too much.

Fair enough.

[spoiler=Chapter One: Beginning of the End]It was a pleasant morning as always in the town of Gilgulam.What's it look like? I guess it's the inside of a Boston Kreme doughnut, meaning it's just a yellow gloppy mess. Many kids were playing a game called Duel Monsters, also known as Yu-Gi-Oh. Since you don't describe them all that much and some don't seem to wear anything, they are young lemurs.

By the way, is thi spast-tense or present-tense? You say "was

 

"I attack your Tsunami with my Epic Knight of Light!" says Henry, "Attack with Saber of Light!"

The EPIC AWESOME KNIGHT OF AWESOME RADIANT LIGHT! Epi words make everything sound so epic...?

I agree that the knight is overpowered. Maybe draw ONE card, or to be safe, 2400 attack and one card?

That is Henry, he's 14 Use words instead of the numbers themselves. Writer's Tip #Something! He's also quite old for a lemur. yrs.Maybe you should say years instead of yrs. old. He has brown spiky hair and strong blue eyes.

 

"Uggh, you win again" says Alex.

You didn't put in a comma Nor did you put in a period That makes your sentences look weird Fix that

And that's Alex. He's a smart kid with red hair and green eyes. He's a year younger than Henry, but he's a good duelist.

Now, here's something about the story I like so far. the narrator sounds laid-back so far, and doesn't put in any purple prose, which is unnecessary description. Unfortunately, they also live in a pudding-like setting and there's nothing so far that tells me they're humans.

"You know you can't beat big brotherCOMMA" said Elyza in a playful manner.

 

Elyza is Henry's younger sister but she's already good at dueling. She has long blonde hair and blue eyes as well.

BLONDE = person with blond hair. BLOND = a hair color. At least that's what I think.

"Don't worry, you'll be able to beat me. Maybe some day in a million years." Henry said while laughing.

Introducing the cocky annoying duo whom I'm probably not gonna like.

"I will beat you!" Alex shouted angrily.

Maybe putting emphasis on the word "will" would make the sentence sound less forced.

Suddenly darkness began to cover the whole town of Gilgulam. Everything stopped except the three young duelistThey're all one being. Yes, that's right. A three-headed lemur is dueling against its other heads. Why aren't they running back home or something?.

 

"Big Brother, what just happened?" Elyza asked nervously.

 

"I, I don't knowCOMMA" Henry replied.

 

"Hey, who's that?" Alex asked while pointing at a tree on a hill.

 

"I'll check it outCOMMA" said HenryCOMMA starting to walk towards the tree along with the other three heads attached to him.

 

"Wait for us!" Elyza exclaimed while walking nervously with Alex.Their necks had yet to catch up with him.

 

Henry was halfway from the tree when a man appeared before him. Halfway what? You just said halfway. Not a few feet away and not that he was halfway there or that he was almost there, but just...halfway from the tree? Ah, oh well. AAH! A man in Lemurdoughnut!

 

"Who are you?" Henry asked bravely.

 

"I'm no one of interest, just Duel me." the man said.

 

"Okay (don't use abbreviations so often), you asked for it!" Henry said. "Let's Duel!"

That like this situation: a kid's walking down the street when a burglar approaches him.

"Who are you?"

"I'm no one of interest, just give me all your money."

"Okay, you asked for it!" *hands over money*

How gullible he is.

So both of them wore their duel disks and started Dueling.

Whatever color, shape or size they were. We don't know. I guess since it's a world within a Boston Kreme doughnut, they're inner tubes with rectangular indentations? They're blue with hearts~[/color]

"Me firstCOMMA"Wait, he said "Me first"? That's what a kid says when he wants to get ahead in line or have dessert, isn't it? A CHILD IN DISGUISE! the man said, drawing a card from his Deck,SHOULD BE A PERIOD] "I summon Nightmare Black Dragon in Attack Position."

 

This card is just really cheap. You have the opportunity to perform an OTK if you just get the right cards down, and even if you don't OTK you can still beat your opponent into a bloody pulp. And aren't there holograms that do stuff? OH. The inner tube models are DIFFERENT Duel Disks.

"I also set 2TWO cards face-down" he said,[PERIOD NOT COMMA "And I end my turn."

 

"Due to your card's effect," Henry said, "you need to pay 400 LP."

 

Stranger(3600 LP) Henry(4000)

 

"My turn" Henry said while drawing a card, "I summon Epic Knight of Death"

 

Not sure why someone would think this card is cheap. It's actually pretty alright. Though death is NOT the polar opposite of light. That's darkness. If opposites wasn't what you were going for, fine with me.

"I also activate Final Assault, you know, I'm not gonna point these out anymore...also, what's THAT card do? Am I chopped liver just because I'm not "in" on the metagame?" he continued, "doubling the ATK of my Epic Knight of Death(3400 ATK)." LAST CORRECTION!

 

"Attack Nightmare Black Dragon! Then you discard a card because of my knight's effect." Henry shouted,"And I end my turn, since I used Final StrikeWhat's THIS -> for? it could just be a comma, you know.Epic Knight of Death is destroyed."

 

Stranger(2300) Henry(4000)

 

"You were just lucky" said the stranger,"I activate Card Destruction, it discards all the cards in our hand and lets us draw as many cards we discarded."

 

"Hahaha Do people actually laugh like that? Punctuation alert, while I'm at it." the stranger laughed,"I activate Abyssal Fusion Is that a real card, or do we need a picture and an effect? Actually, we need the latter anyways., this fuses my Nightmare Black Dragon and Doom Wing Dragon to summon Nightmare Doom Dragon"

 

At that moment, the ground collapsed and a destructive looking dragon appeared on the field.You FINALLY KIND OF describe what the hologram looks like, does, etc. Not very thoroughly at all, though. How would you feel if I said in a story describing one of the main protagonists "he was a big green dragon"? Pretty bland, huh?

 

This effect is sort of a conundrum. Its ATK and DEF is equal to 1/2 Life Points + 1/2 material monsters' ATK (CHEAPO!). At the End Phase he loses 1000. But how can that be? His ATK and DEF are equal to 1/2 LP + 1/2 Material ATK at the same time! Make up your mind! Either way, it's UNBELIEVABLY cheap, especially knowing that it can be used with monsters FROM YOUR HAND as well as from the field.

"Because of its effect" he said,"It's Doesn't need an apostrophe, yo. ATK is now 3250."

 

NO NEED FOR NEW PARAGRAPH!"I also use Megamorph." he added, "It's ATK is now 6500"

 

"ATTACK!" the stranger exclaimed.

You leave the VERY LAST ACTION for the NEXT CHAPTER. Why do that if you can fit it in this one with about as much intensity and awesome buildup? It's not a big problem, but...yeah.

 

That's the first Chapter, hope you liked it.

[spoiler=Chapter Card]

It was hardly even used...yet it's featured. WHY!?!?

For a first fan fiction it's not bad, but if you plan on writing a successful fanfic, remember to DESCRIBE! PUNCTUATE! SHOW DON'T TELL! ADD SUSPENSE! AND WHAT-NOT! Right now it's alright, but it really does need work on grammar and paragraphing.

 

Kendo Fish, out! *teleports*