Zack Blaze Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 [align=center] Welcome to Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D’s : Legends Yu-Gi-Oh! Legends is about Leo and his sister Rega setting out to find the 4 pieces to a puzzle. Through their adventure they encounter obstacles such as other duelists, the “Keepers”, or the Ancient Treasure Master, Yuhoi. The keepers are specially picked by the Ancient Treasure Master, and are to keep the 4 pieces of the puzzle under Yuhoi’s control. [spoiler=Main Characters] Leo Yoguina Age - 13Hair - BrownJacket - SilverPants - JeansShoes - Red and White Rega Yoguina Age - 15Hair - BlondeShirt - Red and Orange StripesPants - JeansShoes - Pink with red stripes [spoiler=Submit your own character] Name - Age - Clothes - Deck List - Prologue The day started out like any other day. Leo got out of bed, took a shower, brushed his teeth, and went down to eat breakfast. That’s when he realized something was wrong. Everything seemed so quiet. Usually, it was noisy, but today it was quiet. Leo looked out the window, his eyes widened in amazement. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Outside was a 500 foot Messenger Robot. He crawled out the window to see what was going on, but as soon as his feet touched the grass, the robot started flashing red lights, and honking a loud horn. Leo hurried back, into the house. “Leo Yoguina.” “What? Who Said That!,” Leo said yelling out the window. “Don’t be alarmed, I am here to give you a something,” the giant robot said. Leo walked over and grabbed the envelope. He took a quick glance at it, then he looked up again, but the robot was nowhere in sight. “Wait! What’s this for?” Leo’s big sister comes walking out of the house. “What are you yelling for! Its only 8 in the morning,” she scolded. “Never mind” Leo runs into the house, into his room. He sits on his bed and opens the envelope, and inside are 3 cards, but he doesn’t know what they are or what they do. He opens a letter, also found inside. It reads… Leo Yoguina, by now you have opened the package and found the 3 cards I sent you. You need to help retrieve the 4 pieces of the puzzle! Please help us, we are located in Egypt. When the time comes, you will know when to use the 3 cards![/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jovi Siagian Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 Kinda weird because 5D's is about 5 Dragons and Nazca Lines in Peru while this...ancient Egypt? And WTF did a robot have to do in ancient Egypt? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zack Blaze Posted May 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 I was just trying to 'spice' things up a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 Messenger Robot? Are they in the future? I'm a bit confused about that, but whatever. Seems fine so far, but there are some punctuation errors in your quotations. Let's try to fix them! :3 “Leo Yoguina.” “What? Who said that!?” Leo yelled out the window. “Don’t be alarmed, I am here to give you something,” the giant robot said. Leo walked over and grabbed the envelope. He took a quick glance at it, then he looked up again, but the robot was nowhere in sight. “Wait! What’s this for?” Leo’s big sister comes walking out of the house. “What are you yelling for! It's only eight in the morning,” she scolded. “Never mind.” And try describing the area and time more, how the robot looks, how the characters look (I know there's a character description box, but that's usually for reference, not for new readers to check) and such. I'll be back to read your next chapter. :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zack Blaze Posted May 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 Thanks for the help ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 You know what; when people write fiction in a particular fandom, they tend to use elements from said fandom. Apart from the use of cards - which certainly isn't unique for 5D's - this is completely unrelated to 5D's. Too much spice can ruin an entire meal, if you see the connection. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zack Blaze Posted May 5, 2009 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 [align=center]Chapter 1 - The Unknown Leo’s sister, Rega, comes barging into the door, into Leo’s room. Leo quickly tries to hide the envelope, but Rega spots it. “What is that?” “What is what?” That big giant thing that was outside? I it hand you something, what was it?” “Ok, I’ll show you, but you can’t tell anyone!” Leo pulls out the envelope, and gives it to Rega. Rega opens the envelope and looks at the cards. “No way,” Rega says in astonishment. “Do you know what those cards are?” “I think so. I think they’re called the Torrent monsters.” “The Torrent monsters?” “Yeah, they’re meant to have some special power inside them. But only the chosen one can keep them.” “So that means…” “Leo, you’re the chosen one!” “But how can I be the chosen one? I’m only thirteen.” “Yes, but you must have some type of power inside you, like the cards!” “Are you comparing me to Duel Monsters cards?” “Somewhat.” “Watch it!” Rega picks up the letter and starts to read it. “This is a cry for help! The only thing is we don’t know what the pieces of the puzzle are.” “Maybe something, that is worthless when separate, but when combined…” “Yes! When combined, they contain a power so strong, that they need people to guard it.” Leo sits with the Duel Monster cards in his hand. “You think the puzzle has something to do with these cards?” “Probably. C’mon, we better get going if we’re going to Egypt” Leo and Rega walk outside, when all of a sudden, a strange man stops them dead in their tracks. “What do you want from us and who are you?” Rega cries out. “You can call me a Keeper. My job is to stop you from getting the pieces of the puzzle. I want a duel, now!” “I’ll take you on!” Rega yells. “No, let me take him,” Leo says. “Okay, so am I taking on you?” “Mmmhmm,” Leo mumbles. “Let’s Duel!” Leo / 4000Keeper / 4000 “I’ll go first,” the Keeper says. “I’ll throw down 2 face downs, and end my turn.” “What, that’s the best you’ve got? I’ll throw down 1 face down, and I’ll attack with this! Go Search Striker!” Search Striker - Level 4 - ATK / 1600 DEF / 1200 “Hahaha, you fell into my trap! Go Raigeki Break! I’ll discard 1 card from my hand and destroy 1 card on the field” “Oh no!” “Oh yes! And I think I’ll target your Search Striker! Bye-Bye!” “I’ll end my turn” Who will win the duel? Find out in Chapter 2 - Dueling with the Keeper - Part I[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jovi Siagian Posted May 5, 2009 Report Share Posted May 5, 2009 Make it longer. You just add more spaces to make it look like so. =/Add more details and descriptions to the story to "spice it up" a bit.The story looks like rushed. Give the Keeper time to explain where he comes from, whom he works to, and stuff. You know what; when people write fiction in a particular fandom' date=' they tend to use elements from said fandom. Apart from the use of cards - which certainly isn't unique for 5D's - this is completely unrelated to 5D's. Too much spice can ruin an entire meal, if you see the connection.[/quote'] This. I suggest you to change the name of the story, to like...Yu-Gi-Oh! Legend only without that 5D's thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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