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Deep Secrets (Chapter 7 up)

Silent Omega

By Silent Omega
in Creative Writing

Should I make this Fanfic PG:13?  

  1. 1. Should I make this Fanfic PG:13?

    • Yes
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Silent Omega Newbie

Silent Omega

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[spoiler=Chapter 7: Past Memories]

*

Michael sat down at a seat in the old library; he was next to Akimoto, who had a book in his nose. Michael sighed and got up, “I’m going to get a book…” He said, Akimoto waved his hand and mumbled. Michael walked away from Akimoto, and then grabbed a book without looking. He sat again and opened the book; he closed it and looked at the cover. ‘Life’s Secrets’, Bull he thought. Then, he began to read it. As he continued to read, he spotted a girl, about his age, 12. Michael looked at Akimoto, he was staring at the same girl. “You’ll never get a girl like that!” Michael said, and Akimoto shrugged.

 

“Nah, I will!” He replied, he got up and walked over to the girl. As they started a conversation, Michael raised an eyebrow. The conversation began to get considerately, crazier, as they started to laugh and in no time, Akimoto whispered something into the girl’s ear, something that made her giggle.

*

“STOP IT MICHAEL!!” Blood shouted, as he held M+ back from the recruits, J was beside him holding onto M+ too.

 

“He’s right Michael!! Stop this!! Don’t you even remember us?!” J asked, desperately. M+ knocked J and Blood backwards, he stepped up to them, his eyes seemed to glow, and he paused for a moment.

*

Michael laughed, as Jay fell down in a pile of mud. “That’s not funny!!” Jay shouted, and she got help from Koruda, up. Akimoto joined in the laugh, and Koruda couldn’t help but to chuckle.

 

“It’s just too- Haha- funny!!” Laughed Michael, he dropped down and laughed. There was a knock from the backyard door, J walked over and opened it, and she talked to the guest and turned to Akimoto.

 

“Hey, Akimoto! There’s a girl, here, to see you!!” She shouted to him. Akimoto nodded and walked over to the backyard door, while Michael and Koruda laughed. It was the girl from the library; he took her over to the group.

 

“Hey guys, this is Julia, a friend of mines. Michael met her before, haven’t you Michael?” Akimoto replied. Michael shook his head.

 

“Never properly introduced me, didn’t you remember? You had us out late!” Michael snapped.

 

“Oh well, I don’t remember. Now, do you mind if you get a proper greeting to her, now?” Akimoto asked.

 

Michael shook his head; he got up from the ground and walked away, inside the house. Julia looked at him as he left, “Did I do something?”

 

“No, No, He’s just not used to new visitors on his 13th birthday…” Replied Akimoto.

 

“It’s his birthday? Oh dear, I hope I haven’t interrupted…” Julia replied, she said ‘sorry’,

 

“Oh no, it’s alright, Michael’s just like that.” Koruda replied, they all introduced themselves to Julia, except Akimoto.

 

“Maybe, I should talk to him…” Julia said, the others nodded, and then Julia walked inside. She found Michael on the stairs to the 2nd floor, he looked down and she walked over to him, at which he looked up. “Hi…” She said.

 

Michael mumbled something, it sounded like “Whatever”. He got up and walked upstairs, and went to his room, at which he slammed the door into. Julia sighed and walked outside, back to the others, she shook her head which meant ‘No results’.

*

M+ stopped as he neared Blood and J, he held his head in pain, and screamed in agony. He went to his knees and looked down, took off his mask and blood fell from his head to the ground, some of it came from the bite in his neck. He got up, staggering backwards and fell down to the ground.

*

Michael looked at the view from his window, he was at an old house near a lake, the house was owned by Jay’s parents. It was a big house, almost the size of a mansion. Jay had invited and he and the others to her house to sleep-over for the weekend, they all accepted. Michael got up from his chair and went near the side railing. There was a knock on the door and he said, “Come in!”

 

The door opened and Julia walked inside, “Hey Michael…do you mind if I talk to you?”

Michael shrugged, “Go ahead…” He said. Julia walked to him, “Well, I just wanted to say sorry for last week, you know, the birthday…”

 

Michael sighed, “How many times do I have to tell you I don’t need any more pity…”

 

“It’s not that, it’s just…I didn’t know it was your birthday…and you know, I’m sorry. I also forgot to tell you about my present!”

 

“Present?”

 

Julia nodded, “Now close your eyes…”

 

“What is this?” Michael asked, as he slowly closed his eyes.

 

Julia bit her lip, “Nothing, just an old present, now stay there!”

 

“I will, I will…”

 

Julia slowly got closer to Michael; she slowly faced her face to his’, and then moved closely to his. Soon, she kissed him. Their kiss were so passionate, so slow and a few seconds’ last. Their tongues slowly fondled each other’s and they continued…

*

M+ stopped, he got up, his eyes were no back to his normal color and he stared at Secret. “Your control ends here Secret!” He said. Blood and J smiled, they were glad that M+ was back. Agas, Diomedes, and Alexis were also happy; they smiled and fell down for a rest.

 

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Aelsthla-Mental Newbie

Aelsthla-Mental

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OK, first up, the idea is pretty good.

 

Next, it's decently written, especially since it started life as an RP.

 

Anyway, some (possible) errors.

 

In prologue: "WHO DISTRUBED ME?!!" shouted a voice

Probably should be disturbed.

 

Chaper 5:

Michael laughed, evilly, "You think those words would spare you?". Akimoto shook his head, "No, but it was a heck of a life with you...". Michael raised the blade, then remembered everything that he had done with Akimoto, Jay, Koruda, and Julia. Akimoto closed his eyes, prepared to die, he heard Michael swing the sword, but no pain. He was still alive and he opened his eyes, Michael had forze his sword just a few inches from Akimoto's head, Michael turned away then walked. "You're sparing me?" Akimoto asked, a bit of surprise and regret in his voice. Michael turned back at Akimoto.

Nothing wrong, but it would be nice to have a little more info on these flashback, pleeeease?

 

Oh, and maybe you should stick the info on where chapter seven is on the first post.

 

Aaaaand yeah, i've thought of a character, if you are still interested in them anyway.

 

Name: Christos Alvah

 

Age: 32

 

Personality: Rather blunt on what he believes, dislikes people talking back, often believes he is right. But is nice at heart, and will help people when able in his own way.

 

Bio: The son of a (Somewhat mixed in ideas) Christian priest and his mother was a missionary, it was natural for him to believe in a higher calling. He believed that God would show him the way, however he arguably got the wrong message. While his parents were great, they were rarely around and his uncle, who would take care of him, had very conflicting viewpoints, believing that the world was just suffering. The viewpoints mixed in his head, and he began to believe that God had put them on this earth to suffer, and the more you did, the more enlightened you would be and the more likely you would go to heaven. Perhaps he went with this the wrong way, as just before the whole disaster started he had begun hunting down and torturing people to bring them 'closer to God'. When the creatures began appearing, he learned of the creature's origin soon after joining 'The Exposers', almost having the Suicid implanted with pride. He thought that the only way for these creatures to redeem themselves is to suffer, and as such he would go out of his way to torture the creatures rather then kill them outright, which has lead him to some nasty scrapes where taking too long to kill them has left him with scars.

 

Appearance: Dark brown hair tinged with gray, despite not being the usual age for the hair to gray. He usually has a solemn expression, but does have a smile when he thinks something is funny, although it usually comes across as weak. His eyes are blue and piercing, usually making people uncomfortable, so he usually doesn't look at people while trying to comfort people. His face and body also have a motley of scars, from close encounters, but none of them are worth noting as peculiar.

 

Willl he/she die: Yes

 

How?: Finds the creature that is in fact his father, among a horde of additional creatures. Goes through them and finds himself unable to torture it, killing him outright instead. Somewhat confused at doing it, he screams and fight a horde of the creatures with reckless abandon, eventually being brought down, but taking plenty of them with him.

 

After, he probably becomes a creature himself. Probably one with numerous deadly limbs, but none of them able to cause very lethal damage alone. Consider perhaps something like 'the death of a thousand needles'. Or something like that.

 

Anyway, pity if you can't stick the character in, but ahh well, I like the character anyway and may use the template in my own story. That's what I like about these, makes you think of a character that fits in the world.

 

Oh, and whether you are ten or not, you might actually want to make this pg-13, just a suggestion, and if others disagree, don't do it. Just thought it might be better suited there.

 

Anyway, wish you luck!

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Silent Omega Newbie

Silent Omega

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Fallen Hero, there might be another big fight soon. I was going to try to make a Sequel to this, too.

 

Aesthla, What did you mean by more info on the flashbacks? Also, your character is fine, I'll accept it but it would be a while before he actually appears, maybe the chapter after the next, or unless I can think of a storyline to go along with his entry.

 

EDIT: I'll make a poll of the PG:13 thing...

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