Kendo Fish Posted April 7, 2009 Report Share Posted April 7, 2009 This is a story I haven't even been working on for three days, yet I'm posting it. I specialize in writing stories fast and never revising. ;] But anyways, here's the first chapter of Trekker. Chapter One: A Minor Annoyance The gym was nearly empty. Though several students had walked and ran through, the wooden floor was nicely polished. Wide windows let in light, letting the floor glisten under the sun's rays, revealing autumn leaves and autumn trees. From the double-doors came a girl with long, red hair. It waved down onto her green T-shirt, covered in designs of flowers. She took two slow steps in her blue sneakers, then looked around. It seemed as if all of the equipment, there just last period, might have dissapeared. On the other side of the gym, atop a wood chair with steel legs, was a jacket. It was thin and leathery, good for the autumn season. The girl kept walking towards it, seemingly in a rush. Suddenly, she heard a sound, the sound of something skidding on the gymnasium floor. She hardly payed any mind, and picked up her coat. As she made her way out, she was aware that she was being followed, partly by instinct, partly by the sound of some kind of electronic toy. It could have just been a prank, but she doubted if anyone really played those anymore. She turned around...and saw a profoundly cute-looking robot. The machine was mostly blue, with large red eyes and small pupils. The greyness around its mouth looked something like five o' clock shadow. On its head was a strange spike, with another slight downturned point in the middle. Its mouth was downturned as well, almost like an arrow pointing upwards. At either side was a large arm, its hand a rectangular pincer. It rode atop a flat rectangular base, with four wheels suited for rough terrain. She picked up the robot easily. It could nearly fit in both of her hands. Thinking it might be a radio-controlled toy, she remarked, "You won't need this anymore." All she heard was her own echo, resounding throughout the gym. With her coat in one arm and a wheel in the other, she power-walked away. The hallway was just about as empty as the gym. After the bell rang some time before, most left the building. The hall itself had a greenish feel to it, even though only the lockers were green. Everything else was blue and grey. The girl camke to a nearby trash can, where she promptly threw out the toy. With that over with, she put on her jacket and kept on walking. From within the can, the robot slowly reached upwards, then grabbed the side. It pulled itself up, being careful not to make much noise. The machine quickly fell onto the ground, making a loud sound. Only the girl noticed it. She grabbed the robot again and whispered through her teeth, "Stop it..." Opening her backpack, she stuffed the machine in. If she brought it home, hardly any remote controller could reach it. She opened a large wooden door, adorned with a stained glass window. As she stepped onto the soft carpeting, her mother almost immediately greeted her. "Hello, Josie," a blond-haired woman said, hugging her daughter. She had just come out from the living room. Josie's mother wasn't old yet, but lines were starting to appear on her face. "How are you?" "I'm fine," said Josie. She quickly got out of the hug and ran up the plush staircase. "Wait, honey! Don't you want to eat? You're usually always hungry after school!" She hurried up to her room, a room with the same creamy feel as any other room in the house. A vase of sweet-smelling honeysuckles sat on a cabinet, filling the room with a pleasant aroma. Josie plopped down on her brown bed, opening her plum backpack. She took out the robot, examined it a little, then put it down. ----- THIS CHAPTER IS NOT OVER. I need to finish it at about 5:00 PM, when I use the computer again. For now, please comment on the chapter thus far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crystal Beast 123 Posted April 7, 2009 Report Share Posted April 7, 2009 Again. It's been 5 hours and nobody posted!??!?!? Anyway, this type of writing could be book-worthy. Keep it up, Kendo Fish! 10/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wuu. Posted April 7, 2009 Report Share Posted April 7, 2009 Kendo Fish! Kendo Fish!Man i'm a fan already! XDAgain your presence is awesome, keep it up!And that... Is a little gift for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crystal Beast 123 Posted April 7, 2009 Report Share Posted April 7, 2009 Great update on Chapter 1! Can't wait for you to finish!. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted April 8, 2009 Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 Moves waaaay too quickly. Start developing characters now, maybe dropping names. For now, it's moving "description - rushed action - description - rushed action," and the result is a very hard-to-follow narrative. Get into the action more. However, this problem may actually be illusory, thanks to the next error... This suffers a problem I'm seeing all over the place: monotonous spacing. Screw around with it and add pauses where necessary; it can make a huge difference. I'll go C/P an example off Queen_Dragoon's thread. Spacing can make or break the flow of a story, so feel free to abuse it instead of only adding it where necessary; indeed, the latter is a profoundly boring incidence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted April 8, 2009 Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 Moves waaaay too quickly. Start developing characters now' date=' maybe dropping names. For now, it's moving "description - rushed action - description - rushed action," and the result is a very hard-to-follow narrative. Get into the action more. However, this problem may actually be illusory, thanks to the next error... This suffers a problem I'm seeing all over the place: monotonous spacing. Screw around with it and add pauses where necessary; it can make a huge difference. I'll go C/P an example off Queen_Dragoon's thread. Spacing can make or break the flow of a story, so feel free to abuse it instead of only adding it where necessary; indeed, the latter is a profoundly boring incidence.[/quote'] Quoted for truth. (And because I'm too lazy to write all that in a slightly different way. =P) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wuu. Posted April 8, 2009 Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 Moves waaaay too quickly. Start developing characters now' date=' maybe dropping names. For now, it's moving "description - rushed action - description - rushed action," and the result is a very hard-to-follow narrative. Get into the action more. However, this problem may actually be illusory, thanks to the next error... This suffers a problem I'm seeing all over the place: monotonous spacing. Screw around with it and add pauses where necessary; it can make a huge difference. I'll go C/P an example off Queen_Dragoon's thread. Spacing can make or break the flow of a story, so feel free to abuse it instead of only adding it where necessary; indeed, the latter is a profoundly boring incidence.[/quote'] Hey, QD is a masterful writer, i should say even better than Meti in the time. Don't try to compare 'em. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted April 8, 2009 Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 Moves waaaay too quickly. Start developing characters now' date=' maybe dropping names. For now, it's moving "description - rushed action - description - rushed action," and the result is a very hard-to-follow narrative. Get into the action more. However, this problem may actually be illusory, thanks to the next error... This suffers a problem I'm seeing all over the place: monotonous spacing. Screw around with it and add pauses where necessary; it can make a huge difference. I'll go C/P an example off Queen_Dragoon's thread. Spacing can make or break the flow of a story, so feel free to abuse it instead of only adding it where necessary; indeed, the latter is a profoundly boring incidence.[/quote'] Hey, QD is a masterful writer, i should say even better than Meti in the time. Don't try to compare 'em. Why not? The idea is to compare people to the best authors you know; that way, you'll see the difference, and thus, the room for improvement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted April 8, 2009 Author Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 For rushed action, I didn't want to drag the action out for too long. I didn't know I rushed it, though. Hopefully some development will come soon in the chapter, but since nobody but me has actually read the whole first chapter, I'll have to see what others think. If the story must go the way I'd like it to, be warned: the outcome is probably very unrealistic. Or, I'll go the slightly-more realistic way and rewrite Chapter Two. And I forgot to mention, my vision of high school is blurred. If the school isn't anything like real schools, just tell me. Since my brother said he needed my story for a school project of some sort, I can't type until late afternoon, like yesterday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted April 8, 2009 Report Share Posted April 8, 2009 [spoiler=The example I was looking for (Sword of Shadow, Shield of Heart; Prologue)][spoiler=Bad]Bluno dove to the ground, partially burying his sophisticated helm in sand. Some of his compatriots were quick enough to follow him down. Some weren't; they were destined to suffer when the immediately following event transpired. The compound all but exploded. The standing Peons were knocked off their feet and burned. A sickening crunch indicated that one had suffered a breaking bone beneath his or her armor. Screams indicated that the standing soldiers had taken burn damage. The groups had switched places; those who had been standing were now on the ground, and vice versa. There were severe burns on their armor; Bluno guessed that there were similar burns on his own back. A glance verified this hypothesis. Moaning and groaning, the afflicted group slowly rose to more comfortable positions — except one. This Peon's head was in an impossible position — he or she had to be dead. Bluno's heart raced — an actual casualty. Was it Baila? [spoiler=Good]Bluno dove to the ground, partially burying his sophisticated helm in sand. Some of his compatriots were quick enough to follow him down. Some weren't; they were destined to suffer when the immediately following event transpired. The compound all but exploded. The standing Peons were knocked off their feet and burned. A sickening crunch indicated that one had suffered a breaking bone beneath his or her armor. Screams indicated that the standing soldiers had taken burn damage. The groups had switched places; those who had been standing were now on the ground, and vice versa. There were severe burns on their armor; Bluno guessed that there were similar burns on his own back. A glance at one of his comrades verified this hypothesis. Moaning and groaning, the afflicted group slowly rose to more comfortable positions — except one. This Peon's head was in an impossible position — he or she had to be dead. Bluno's heart raced — an actual casualty. Was it Baila? Spacing abuse is virtually mandatory. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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