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Ashlina, a Pokemon Fan-Fic : Chapter I! : I did it! I WROTE THE FIRST CHAPTER! :D

Snitch

By Snitch
in Creative Writing

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Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

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Posted

Weird that you picked another Umbreon as his mate, and even stranger that you haven't dropped any names.

 

The battle is very awkwardly worded at the start of the chapter. You probably could have picked a better word than "chanted" assuming that he's still dodging the Fury Swipes, and using the mouth as the subject screws up the sentence majorly. Also, the word "leap" is repeated annoyingly; develop a set of synonyms for a frequently used verb and cycle them accordingly.

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Snitch Newbie

Snitch

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Weird that you picked another Umbreon as his mate' date=' and even stranger that you haven't dropped any names.

 

The battle is very awkwardly worded at the start of the chapter. You probably could have picked a better word than "chanted" assuming that he's still dodging the Fury Swipes, and using the mouth as the subject screws up the sentence majorly. Also, the word "leap" is repeated annoyingly; develop a set of synonyms for a frequently used verb and cycle them accordingly.

[/quote']

 

I was just waiting for you to rip me apart. =D

 

I agree with you on the battle - this is one of those rare times I've done a battle scene, so I'm not great them. The lack of names is something I do a lot, keeps people wondering most of the time. x3

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Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

Posted
Posted

Weird that you picked another Umbreon as his mate' date=' and even stranger that you haven't dropped any names.

 

The battle is very awkwardly worded at the start of the chapter. You probably could have picked a better word than "chanted" assuming that he's still dodging the Fury Swipes, and using the mouth as the subject screws up the sentence majorly. Also, the word "leap" is repeated annoyingly; develop a set of synonyms for a frequently used verb and cycle them accordingly.

[/quote']

 

I was just waiting for you to rip me apart. =D

 

I agree with you on the battle - this is one of those rare times I've done a battle scene, so I'm not great them. The lack of names is something I do a lot, keeps people wondering most of the time. x3

 

You'll want to drop some names soon, or you'll have a completely illegible mess of pronouns down the line.

 

Longer chapters pl0x? Each chapter is under a published page at this point.

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fenrir Newbie

fenrir

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AAAHHHH!!! OMFG!!!!

 

PLZ SAY THAT UMBREON WILL MEET HIS LOVE AGAIN' date=' OR I'M GONNA CRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

SERIOUSLY, YOU DO NOT WANT TO MAKE ME CRY!!!!!!!!!!!

[/quote']

 

DO IT.

 

Anywayz, I like the first paragraph in the first chapter, but somehow the second one was a bit, strange. I don't know, I just had this feeling =/

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Weather Report - Stand Newbie

Weather Report - Stand

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I did it...I made it past the insane writers block...I WROTE THE FIRST CHAPTER.

WOAH! YOU DID IT!! I'm going to judge this chapter to the best of my abilities:

[spoiler=Chapter I]The trickle of dawn-light danced through the trees as the sun began to raise' date=' the sky full of grace and charity. The clouds, now a pale white, slowly drifted through the air, a few blue, bubble-shaped Pokemon accompanying them. The shine of the extravagant yellow star struck each blade of grass with a dazzling light, and the morning dew glimmered brightly. The scene itself was a marvellous summary of nature – beauty, brilliance and battling.

 

The description makes me feel the beauty as if I were surrounded by it.

 

The chaos that was the battle was developing slowly – the Umbreon quickly dashed to the left once, following a right once, as his sharp-clawed opponent dived for him over and over. The Umbreon rolled to avoid another onslaught of blood-stained claws, and then stared up at the sun, his eyes glowing a pale white as his mouth chanted an incantation. The gash on his upper body sealed itself, the magic quickly fixing his wounds. After he had done so, he stared back at the beast before him, his ice blue eyes now tinted with a red fury.

 

OH S*** THE BATTLE?! HERE?!?! AHHH!!! Hm, so does the 'magic' count as refresh or something? I'm slightly confused as to why we didn't start out with another main character, but oh well.

 

The humanoid-creature raised a pale red claw, his crème coloured pelt stained with mud after all of Umbreon’s avoidance. Its eyes burned more than the sun itself, its pupil’s small and out of focus. Its glare was unbroken as it drew in breaths heavily, its tongue lapping out of its mouth and a trail of saliva dropping to the grass below. The Zangoose drew in a larger breath finally, before growling menacingly and charging forwards, stumbling slightly as it charged, imaginary throttle on full. All it took to dodge was a simple roll to the left as the Zangoose dashed forward, hitting the ground head-first with a tumble. The Umbreon leapt on his back and quickly bit at his neck – the Zangoose lay still. Not dead; unconscious.

 

The imagery of the Zangoose is amazing. It looks like it just got beaten up for real.

 

Seeming to take no pride in his victory, the Umbreon gently stepped off the limp body of the Zangoose and licked a bloody paw clean. A small trail of red liquid began to flow from the Zangoose’s neck as he did so. Sighing at the unfortunate foe, the Umbreon turned and began to march along the dusty brown path once more, his tongue lashing around his mouth sharply. A misty grey had begun to set beneath the bright sun as a Natu, hiding somewhere in one of the small number of full-grown trees, screamed its lungs out in an unusual call. The mystical sound was chanted over and over, and the fog above seemed to grow thicker. Nah… The Umbreon said to himself, as his eyes attempted to shut themselves after lack of sleep. However, the brain won the battle, and his eyes were forced open once more.

 

Nothing much to remark about.

 

*

 

Little but a few hours later, the curse of sleeplessness began to haunt Umbreon, as his speed began to slow. He was trudging forward, the chilling afternoon wind whistling its way through the trees and blowing the dusty ground around. The grasslands Umbreon had been in earlier had now vanished – replacing them was a dull, brown surrounding, with the occasional barren tree on the side of the road, where some random bird Pokemon would sit and perch, some sleeping. The Umbreon continued forwards, head bowed forwards and eyes opening and shutting repeatedly. He began to slow even more, and this his ears pricked.

 

So he's on a route now? IS HE GONNA MEET A TRAINER?

 

Breathing. He could hear breathing, coming from somewhere in front of him. His eyes flashed open as he built up the strength to raise his head, his neck aching with the pain of no rest. Before him stood a creature almost no different to himself – an Umbreon, with young, playful red eyes. Her rings glimmered brightly even though the sun was dull, a beautiful pale blue. The Umbreon stared, his neck pains forgotten as he stared into the eyes of the new arrival, who looked back – not at him, however, but through him, as though he wasn’t there. She, upon the voice, spoke to someone: “Nice to see you here.” She smiled to an imaginary companion before her and laughed; a beautiful rhythm that left butterflies in the male Umbreon’s stomach. She smiled again and spoke was more, her voice almost lyrical, every sentence a magical sonnet. The male Umbreon didn’t even make out what she said – he was too busy staring, staring as a tear began to form in his eye as the scene began to replay even more. He blinked quickly and he saw it all again, with a new addition – himself. He watched as he circled the female, as the couple licked each others noses, as they rolled around in the dust, as sparkles of love danced around them. Then, it was gone.

 

Wow. More than a trainer; he found what he wants in life...for a moment. Sleep deprivation(I think)is depressing.

 

A tear was dropped.

The first sign of Cryllieo was visible, two small straw huts, far in the distance.

Footsteps echoed the afternoon.

 

 

This was pretty good, but I still prefer the prologue. The great descriptions are still here, but there was more of a plot there. Here he meets and beats a thug, then falls over due to sleepiness. But it can only get better from here!

 

OR CAN IT?!

 

Yes, it can.

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