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Ashlina, a Pokemon Fan-Fic : Chapter I! : I did it! I WROTE THE FIRST CHAPTER! :D

Snitch

By Snitch
in Creative Writing

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Snitch

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[spoiler=Prolouge]Crystal tears of ice began to fall from the grey, bloated clouds above, soaking the grasslands that lay below them. The midnight moon shone brightly through the grey, a mystical sight hidden behind the shadows. The night was silent aside from the occasional snore, whisper or nudge which would break the chilling silence momentarily, before the world set back to it’s soundless sleep.

 

Then, it came.

 

The beast was completely hidden in the shadow of dusk aside from luminous rings on and around its body. Its pale blue eyes, nearly like ice, darted from left to right, left to right as the creature ran through the grasslands, its nimble paws racing forwards with every second, never tiring. The rain landed on its pelt, mixing with the darkness, and the moon’s rays began to reflect off of the rings, lights dancing all over the ground as the beast continued to bundle forwards. All of a sudden it leapt forwards, onto a tree which it bounced off and landed in a small clearing hidden behind the rock. In the centre of a clearing was a hole. The beast stepped forwards and raised its head, the oval ring on its forehead glimmering brightly.

 

“I have come.” It said, its voice recognizably male and deep. The creature stepped forward into the hole, which expanded greatly into a cave, a light blue glow coming from somewhere deeper in. More visible now, the beast stepped forward with caution, its jet black pelt bristling in a faint wind and glowing rings turning blue. Its long, pointed ears reached downwards beside its face, and its eyes cautiously stepped forward into the cave ahead.

 

“I’ve been expecting you, Umbreon,” A voice said. It was light and tender; female. Out of the shadows ahead of the Umbreon came a feline with a light, crème coloured pelt and nine long tails, which extended outwards, trailing behind her in the dusty ground. Her eyes were an emerald green, and her nose was a deep maroon. She circled the Umbreon a few times, and his eyes followed her as she examined him carefully. “Interesting…” She muttered after a while, breaking the icy silence which had occurred a few moments before. She moved forward in front of the Umbreon again and stepped back, lying down onto a blanket and closing her eyes.

 

Umbreon was sure he felt a bead of sweat drop from his forehead at the moment – What is she doing? He thought to himself, staring her down. Should…should I wake her- Suddenly the creature leapt upwards, landing on all fours and causing the Umbreon to leap backwards, nearly slamming himself against the cave wall. “Careful, young one,” She said, a grin on her face as she tried to sustain a weak chuckle. “I am Ninetales – of course, you already knew this. Now, would you mind telling me why you’re here?” The Ninetales laid herself down again, stretching her paws forwards, hunching her shoulders and stretching her back out, causing a loud click to emit from both arms.

 

“Well, I-“ Umbreon paused to cringe a second crack, coming from her back this time. “I-I-if you knew I was coming, shouldn’t you know why?” The Umbreon said, his deep voice weakening as a third click was sounded.

 

Finally, she stopped, relaxing her muscles and lying down. “You’re clever, young one,” she said, smiling at the Umbreon, her eyes flickering in the light. “Yes. I know why you’re here. You’re searching for someone, and you believe I know where they are. Correct?” The Umbreon nodded slowly, half paying attention and half wondering if he was fast asleep and this was all a dream. “Yes. You’re searching for her, correct?” At the mention of the word, the Umbreon’s eyes flickered open and he stared at the Ninetales, dazed at what she had just said.

 

“Do…do you know where she is?” The Ninetales looked for a moment, before smiling softly. “Tell me!” The Umbreon’s voice rose to a yell and the Ninetales’ grin drooped into a snarl.

 

“She’s out there – alive. You’ll find her, most likely. I mean, if I saw her only a few days ago, I’m sure you-“

 

“You what? She was here?!” The Umbreon interrupted quickly, his voice rushing the words out like there was no tomorrow. “How did she look? Was she okay? What was-“

 

“I’m growing tired of your impatience, boy.” The Ninetales snarled, a low growl rumbling deep in her throat. “Yes she was here. She was perfectly healthy – aside from a small scratch on her left ear.” As the Ninetales said this, the Umbreon’s eyes faded slightly, before he looked at her again. “She rested here for three nights and two days, before moving onwards again. She was going to a town south of here – named Cryllieo, ever heard of it?” The Umbreon shook his head. “Bah, never mind. Go south down the path and you’ll get there in a few days. Now, begone!” The Ninetales released a jet of flame from her mouth, the low rumble erupting like a volcano straight at the Umbreon.

 

A scorch of fire singed his tail as the Umbreon turned around and high-tailed it out of the cave, within seconds out of sight of the Ninetales.

 

“Is he gone?” A light, tender voice said from behind the Ninetales; once again female.

 

“Yes, child. He is gone.”

 

 

I hope you all enjoy this - I am much more interested in writing Pokemon than Yu-Gi-Oh!, so I will most likely keep up with this....I hope. D:

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Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

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TEH WINZ.

 

Reminds me epically of both of my Pokémon fic ideas.

 

This is the best work I've seen from you thus far. However, Ninetales doesn't seem to have a terribly concrete personality... She goes from maternal to jerkish in two seconds flat.

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Snitch Newbie

Snitch

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TEH WINZ.

 

Reminds me epically of both of my Pokémon fic ideas.

 

This is the best work I've seen from you thus far. However' date=' Ninetales doesn't seem to have a terribly concrete personality... She goes from maternal to jerkish in two seconds flat.

[/quote']

 

...hot-headed? xD

 

Wow, one comment. D:

 

Glad you liked it, mate. That's quite a nice compliment coming from someone of your level. ;D

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.:Abarai Renji:. Newbie

.:Abarai Renji:.

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:shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock::shock:

 

 

.................................................................THIS IS THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I've never read a Pokémon Fan Fic like THIS ONE EVER IN MY LIFE!!!! It's great!!!

 

So, I guess that other female that Ninetales protected was Cryllieo, correct?

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Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

Guest Supreme Gamesmaster

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Maybe, maybe not. It's a plot twist; you don't ask for it.

 

Looking the piece back over, I some awkward wording.

 

"All of a sudden it leapt forwards, onto a tree which it bounced off and landed in a small clearing hidden behind the rock."

This whole passage is awkward, starting with the first four words. I hate that phrase; change it.

Secondly, the comma after "forwards" should be transposed to just before "which." Add an "of" after the "off."

That said, "forwards" = "forward;" I don't believe "forwards" is a word at all, and "forward" sounds a lot better.

After that, end the sentence.

You haven't mentioned the rock before, so give it its own description. I'm thinking you say, "It landed behind a rock, {describe the rock}," and then go on to describe the clearing from Umbreon's POV.

Alternatively, you could do this: "It landed behind a {adjectives here} rock, which concealed a {adjectives here} clearing {describe the clearing}."

 

"...before the world set back to it's..." "Set" is a bad verb there, and the "it's" shouldn't have an apostrophe.

 

"...nearly like ice." Nearly like ice? There's no point in a simile if it's only an almost-comparison.

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Nexev Newbie

Nexev

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See you don't realize Kudja that he can easily made that thier to screw with your mind, in reality that could easily be Ninetail's kit: Vulpix. That way the person Umbreon is looking for can pull a Shiek on us, Vulpix would have been mentioned thier to lower suspicion as everyone is so certain it's a that they won't give b any thought.

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Weather Report - Stand Newbie

Weather Report - Stand

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[spoiler=Prolouge]Crystal tears of ice began to fall from the grey' date=' bloated clouds above, soaking the grasslands that lay below them. The midnight moon shone brightly through the grey, a mystical sight hidden behind the shadows. The night was silent aside from the occasional snore, whisper or nudge which would break the chilling silence momentarily, before the world set back to it’s soundless sleep.

 

[i']Well, I'll be reviewing this fan-fic, and so I'm taking a look at it bit by bit. But first, the title. 'Ashlina, a Pokemon Fan-Fic'. Ashlina...Ketchum? If this is supposed to be based on his name, I find this stereotypical. But I have high hopes for this, since people like it, and Pokemon fics are at their best when they beat the traditional barriers of 'playthrough fics'(beatin' the gyms, yadayada). So let's look at the first paragraph.

 

Hm. Nice imagery. I love the description. I also love how you said 'the world set back to it's soundless sleep'. You get super-bonus points for giving the earth human qualities, but you said 'it is soundless sleep'. Minus points for bad grammar...[/i]

 

Then, it came.

 

The beast was completely hidden in the shadow of dusk aside from luminous rings on and around its body. Its pale blue eyes, nearly like ice, darted from left to right, left to right as the creature ran through the grasslands, its nimble paws racing forwards with every second, never tiring. The rain landed on its pelt, mixing with the darkness, and the moon’s rays began to reflect off of the rings, lights dancing all over the ground as the beast continued to bundle forwards. All of a sudden it leapt forwards, onto a tree which it bounced off and landed in a small clearing hidden behind the rock. In the centre of a clearing was a hole. The beast stepped forwards and raised its head, the oval ring on its forehead glimmering brightly.

 

Awesome...awesome! This beast is KILLER! I love how life-like it is!

 

“I have come.” It said, its voice recognizably male and deep. The creature stepped forward into the hole, which expanded greatly into a cave, a light blue glow coming from somewhere deeper in. More visible now, the beast stepped forward with caution, its jet black pelt bristling in a faint wind and glowing rings turning blue. Its long, pointed ears reached downwards beside its face, and its eyes cautiously stepped forward into the cave ahead.

 

*GASP* A TALKING pokemon?! Woah! But wait, is it a pokemon? We don't know...yet!

 

“I’ve been expecting you, Umbreon,” A voice said. It was light and tender; female. Out of the shadows ahead of the Umbreon came a feline with a light, crème coloured pelt and nine long tails, which extended outwards, trailing behind her in the dusty ground. Her eyes were an emerald green, and her nose was a deep maroon. She circled the Umbreon a few times, and his eyes followed her as she examined him carefully. “Interesting…” She muttered after a while, breaking the icy silence which had occurred a few moments before. She moved forward in front of the Umbreon again and stepped back, lying down onto a blanket and closing her eyes.

 

Oh, Poke-to-Poke disscussion. Oh well. But now I get the 'ring' thing. Oh and I guess there's a blanket here.

 

Umbreon was sure he felt a bead of sweat drop from his forehead at the moment – What is she doing? He thought to himself, staring her down. Should…should I wake her- Suddenly the creature leapt upwards, landing on all fours and causing the Umbreon to leap backwards, nearly slamming himself against the cave wall. “Careful, young one,” She said, a grin on her face as she tried to sustain a weak chuckle. “I am Ninetales – of course, you already knew this. Now, would you mind telling me why you’re here?” The Ninetales laid herself down again, stretching her paws forwards, hunching her shoulders and stretching her back out, causing a loud click to emit from both arms.

 

I'm kinda distressed here, since you're using two 'super popular' pokemon. Why can't Umbreon be a Linoone? But that doesn't really matter.

 

“Well, I-“ Umbreon paused to cringe a second crack, coming from her back this time. “I-I-if you knew I was coming, shouldn’t you know why?” The Umbreon said, his deep voice weakening as a third click was sounded.

 

Finally, she stopped, relaxing her muscles and lying down. “You’re clever, young one,” she said, smiling at the Umbreon, her eyes flickering in the light. “Yes. I know why you’re here. You’re searching for someone, and you believe I know where they are. Correct?” The Umbreon nodded slowly, half paying attention and half wondering if he was fast asleep and this was all a dream. “Yes. You’re searching for her, correct?” At the mention of the word, the Umbreon’s eyes flickered open and he stared at the Ninetales, dazed at what she had just said.

 

Ooh, the Ninetails is a SEER or something. Well, I had to expect the whole 'village elder' archetype was up the old fox's alley.

 

“Do…do you know where she is?” The Ninetales looked for a moment, before smiling softly. “Tell me!” The Umbreon’s voice rose to a yell and the Ninetales’ grin drooped into a snarl.

 

“She’s out there – alive. You’ll find her, most likely. I mean, if I saw her only a few days ago, I’m sure you-“

 

“You what? She was here?!” The Umbreon interrupted quickly, his voice rushing the words out like there was no tomorrow. “How did she look? Was she okay? What was-“

 

Hm, nothing to say here other than I like how you didn't spoil who 'she' is yet. Dramatic.

 

“I’m growing tired of your impatience, boy.” The Ninetales snarled, a low growl rumbling deep in her throat. “Yes she was here. She was perfectly healthy – aside from a small scratch on her left ear.” As the Ninetales said this, the Umbreon’s eyes faded slightly, before he looked at her again. “She rested here for three nights and two days, before moving onwards again. She was going to a town south of here – named Cryllieo, ever heard of it?” The Umbreon shook his head. “Bah, never mind. Go south down the path and you’ll get there in a few days. Now, begone!” The Ninetales released a jet of flame from her mouth, the low rumble erupting like a volcano straight at the Umbreon.

 

WOAH! Did se just get ANGRY?! She was so kind earlier! She's like that anime girl character who always has a mean attitude! You know, in every Japanese show? But now I'm getting the feeling that this is one of those Mystery Dungeon stories. Not a bad thing when properly executed. But why did she try to eliminate her houseguest?

 

A scorch of fire singed his tail as the Umbreon turned around and high-tailed it out of the cave, within seconds out of sight of the Ninetales.

 

“Is he gone?” A light, tender voice said from behind the Ninetales; once again female.

 

“Yes, child. He is gone.”

 

Well, it's great, but I don't have a clue what'll happen next. Will we learn about the Umbreon? Will we meet Ashlina, and will she be a pokemon? Why IS the Ninetails an evil granny? Tune in next time, folks.

8/10

 

 

I hope you all enjoy this - I am much more interested in writing Pokemon than Yu-Gi-Oh!, so I will most likely keep up with this....I hope. D:

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Weather Report - Stand Newbie

Weather Report - Stand

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It's okay, the words 'thank you' soothe my soul due to the misuse of it on the street these days(I go to middle school, so I think I know how many people say 'excuse me' or 'sorry' these days...stupid rap music(I guess)...and just to make things clear, I wasn't trying to knock off your apology, I just wanted to make that clear due to how people read some stuff, if you know what I mean...fights start from dumb stuff).

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Aelsthla-Mental Newbie

Aelsthla-Mental

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Hey, pretty good. Personally, I think Ninetail's personality 'shifting' is fine and dandy. I mean, we don't know what's going through that head... For now.

 

But yeah, it's interesting. Not much of an idea on what's going on as of yet aside from the basics, but I suppose that just makes people curious and want to read on. Well, will enjoy it when the next chapter comes out. Keep it up, and... WWWWWWHHHHHYYYYYY the cliffhanger *sobs*.

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Snitch Newbie

Snitch

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I did it...I made it past the insane writers block...I WROTE THE FIRST CHAPTER.

 

[spoiler=Chapter I]The trickle of dawn-light danced through the trees as the sun began to raise, the sky full of grace and charity. The clouds, now a pale white, slowly drifted through the air, a few blue, bubble-shaped Pokemon accompanying them. The shine of the extravagant yellow star struck each blade of grass with a dazzling light, and the morning dew glimmered brightly. The scene itself was a marvellous summary of nature – beauty, brilliance and battling.

 

The chaos that was the battle was developing slowly – the Umbreon quickly dashed to the left once, following a right once, as his sharp-clawed opponent dived for him over and over. The Umbreon rolled to avoid another onslaught of blood-stained claws, and then stared up at the sun, his eyes glowing a pale white as his mouth chanted an incantation. The gash on his upper body sealed itself, the magic quickly fixing his wounds. After he had done so, he stared back at the beast before him, his ice blue eyes now tinted with a red fury.

 

The humanoid-creature raised a pale red claw, his crème coloured pelt stained with mud after all of Umbreon’s avoidance. Its eyes burned more than the sun itself, its pupil’s small and out of focus. Its glare was unbroken as it drew in breaths heavily, its tongue lapping out of its mouth and a trail of saliva dropping to the grass below. The Zangoose drew in a larger breath finally, before growling menacingly and charging forwards, stumbling slightly as it charged, imaginary throttle on full. All it took to dodge was a simple roll to the left as the Zangoose dashed forward, hitting the ground head-first with a tumble. The Umbreon leapt on his back and quickly bit at his neck – the Zangoose lay still. Not dead; unconscious.

 

Seeming to take no pride in his victory, the Umbreon gently stepped off the limp body of the Zangoose and licked a bloody paw clean. A small trail of red liquid began to flow from the Zangoose’s neck as he did so. Sighing at the unfortunate foe, the Umbreon turned and began to march along the dusty brown path once more, his tongue lashing around his mouth sharply. A misty grey had begun to set beneath the bright sun as a Natu, hiding somewhere in one of the small number of full-grown trees, screamed its lungs out in an unusual call. The mystical sound was chanted over and over, and the fog above seemed to grow thicker. Nah… The Umbreon said to himself, as his eyes attempted to shut themselves after lack of sleep. However, the brain won the battle, and his eyes were forced open once more.

 

*

 

Little but a few hours later, the curse of sleeplessness began to haunt Umbreon, as his speed began to slow. He was trudging forward, the chilling afternoon wind whistling its way through the trees and blowing the dusty ground around. The grasslands Umbreon had been in earlier had now vanished – replacing them was a dull, brown surrounding, with the occasional barren tree on the side of the road, where some random bird Pokemon would sit and perch, some sleeping. The Umbreon continued forwards, head bowed forwards and eyes opening and shutting repeatedly. He began to slow even more, and this his ears pricked.

 

Breathing. He could hear breathing, coming from somewhere in front of him. His eyes flashed open as he built up the strength to raise his head, his neck aching with the pain of no rest. Before him stood a creature almost no different to himself – an Umbreon, with young, playful red eyes. Her rings glimmered brightly even though the sun was dull, a beautiful pale blue. The Umbreon stared, his neck pains forgotten as he stared into the eyes of the new arrival, who looked back – not at him, however, but through him, as though he wasn’t there. She, upon the voice, spoke to someone: “Nice to see you here.” She smiled to an imaginary companion before her and laughed; a beautiful rhythm that left butterflies in the male Umbreon’s stomach. She smiled again and spoke was more, her voice almost lyrical, every sentence a magical sonnet. The male Umbreon didn’t even make out what she said – he was too busy staring, staring as a tear began to form in his eye as the scene began to replay even more. He blinked quickly and he saw it all again, with a new addition – himself. He watched as he circled the female, as the couple licked each others noses, as they rolled around in the dust, as sparkles of love danced around them. Then, it was gone.

 

A tear was dropped.

The first sign of Cryllieo was visible, two small straw huts, far in the distance.

Footsteps echoed the afternoon.

 

 

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