Pokemon - Legends and Combat [PG-13] (Chapter 3 has moved to my second post).

[Queen-Dragoon]

Not bad' date=' not bad at all.

 

You could use some more dramatic spacing, and more varied sentence structure. It's great action, but with the current spacing and repetition, it's kinda boring.

[/quote']

 

Could you be more specific? I think I have the general idea of your advice but I'd rather not chance it and end up screwing up rather than fixing the problems.

[Guest Supreme Gamesmaster]

Firstly, double space for every paragraph. That lets you play with the spacing.

 

Starting new paragraphs at strategic moments helps to enhance your fic's dramatic effect.

[spoiler=Example (Sword of Shadow, Shield of Heart; Prologue)]

[spoiler=Bad]

Bluno dove to the ground, partially burying his sophisticated helm in sand. Some of his compatriots were quick enough to follow him down. Some weren't; they were destined to suffer when the immediately following event transpired. The compound all but exploded. The standing Peons were knocked off their feet and burned. A sickening crunch indicated that one had suffered a breaking bone beneath his or her armor. Screams indicated that the standing soldiers had taken burn damage.

The groups had switched places; those who had been standing were now on the ground, and vice versa. There were severe burns on their armor; Bluno guessed that there were similar burns on his own back. A glance verified this hypothesis. Moaning and groaning, the afflicted group slowly rose to more comfortable positions — except one. This Peon's head was in an impossible position — he or she had to be dead. Bluno's heart raced — an actual casualty. Was it Baila?

 

 

[spoiler=Good]

Bluno dove to the ground, partially burying his sophisticated helm in sand. Some of his compatriots were quick enough to follow him down. Some weren't; they were destined to suffer when the immediately following event transpired.

 

The compound all but exploded.

 

The standing Peons were knocked off their feet and burned. A sickening crunch indicated that one had suffered a breaking bone beneath his or her armor. Screams indicated that the standing soldiers had taken burn damage.

 

The groups had switched places; those who had been standing were now on the ground, and vice versa. There were severe burns on their armor; Bluno guessed that there were similar burns on his own back. A glance at one of his comrades verified this hypothesis. Moaning and groaning, the afflicted group slowly rose to more comfortable positions — except one. This Peon's head was in an impossible position — he or she had to be dead. Bluno's heart raced — an actual casualty.

 

Was it Baila?

 

 

 

 

See how the spacing can make the same paragraph so much more dramatic?

 

Also, you might want to rearrange the wording of your fic so every sentence doesn't follow the same template.

[Queen-Dragoon]

Firstly' date=' double space for every paragraph. That lets you play with the spacing.

 

Starting new paragraphs at strategic moments helps to enhance your fic's dramatic effect.

[spoiler=Example (Sword of Shadow, Shield of Heart; Prologue)']

[spoiler=Bad]

Bluno dove to the ground, partially burying his sophisticated helm in sand. Some of his compatriots were quick enough to follow him down. Some weren't; they were destined to suffer when the immediately following event transpired. The compound all but exploded. The standing Peons were knocked off their feet and burned. A sickening crunch indicated that one had suffered a breaking bone beneath his or her armor. Screams indicated that the standing soldiers had taken burn damage.

The groups had switched places; those who had been standing were now on the ground, and vice versa. There were severe burns on their armor; Bluno guessed that there were similar burns on his own back. A glance verified this hypothesis. Moaning and groaning, the afflicted group slowly rose to more comfortable positions — except one. This Peon's head was in an impossible position — he or she had to be dead. Bluno's heart raced — an actual casualty. Was it Baila?

 

 

[spoiler=Good]

Bluno dove to the ground, partially burying his sophisticated helm in sand. Some of his compatriots were quick enough to follow him down. Some weren't; they were destined to suffer when the immediately following event transpired.

 

The compound all but exploded.

 

The standing Peons were knocked off their feet and burned. A sickening crunch indicated that one had suffered a breaking bone beneath his or her armor. Screams indicated that the standing soldiers had taken burn damage.

 

The groups had switched places; those who had been standing were now on the ground, and vice versa. There were severe burns on their armor; Bluno guessed that there were similar burns on his own back. A glance at one of his comrades verified this hypothesis. Moaning and groaning, the afflicted group slowly rose to more comfortable positions — except one. This Peon's head was in an impossible position — he or she had to be dead. Bluno's heart raced — an actual casualty.

 

Was it Baila?

 

 

 

 

See how the spacing can make the same paragraph so much more dramatic?

 

Also, you might want to rearrange the wording of your fic so every sentence doesn't follow the same template.

 

Thanks for the reply. I think the battles are the problem for the sentence structure; I'm still figuring out how best to structure them properly (strangely enough lol). As for the spacing... I think that the problem is I'm spacing it like the novels I usually read. Hopefully it will improve over time. But now that I know, I'll be naturally waatching out for it.

[.:Abarai Renji:.]

Wonder when my other char will show up?

[Queen-Dragoon]

Wonder when my other char will show up?

 

Could be a while yet.

[Nexev]

Name: Torridity (it means intense warmth)

Age: 25

Personality: He is enegetic and out going, he is very fast being able to race his RApidash. He has a friendly personality and enjoys fire pokeomn, he can be comfortable extremely high temperatures, including flamethrower attack (Fire Blast and other super high level fire attacks cause him irritation but don't harm him like how Team Rocker survives in the anime despite being comically harmed by pokemon attacks several times and being constantly electrocuted).

Appearance: He wears a fireman uniform (his second job due to his resistance to heat) and has bright red hair

Pokemon: Rapidash, Magmortar, Tyrranitar, Ninetails, Magcargo

Relation to previous gym leader: He is Blaine's grandson, he is also Flannery's pen pal and they occasionally meet each other.

 

He's a gym leader obviosly of cinnabar island.

 

Making charecters is a hobby of mine so tell me which leaders you need and I will make them. I already have some ideas.

 

Also getting complemented by the Supreme Gamemaster is equal to beating Red from Gold with one Magikarp, nigh impossible so congrats that you got one.

[Queen-Dragoon]

Name: Torridity (it means intense warmth)

Age: 25

Personality: He is enegetic and out going' date=' he is very fast being able to race his RApidash. He has a friendly personality and enjoys fire pokeomn, he can be comfortable extremely high temperatures, including flamethrower attack (Fire Blast and other super high level fire attacks cause him irritation but don't harm him like how Team Rocker survives in the anime despite being comically harmed by pokemon attacks several times and being constantly electrocuted).

Appearance: He wears a fireman uniform (his second job due to his resistance to heat) and has bright red hair

Pokemon: Rapidash, Magmortar, Tyrranitar, Ninetails, Magcargo

Relation to previous gym leader: He is Blaine's grandson, he is also Flannery's pen pal and they occasionally meet each other.

 

He's a gym leader obviosly of cinnabar island.

 

Making charecters is a hobby of mine so tell me which leaders you need and I will make them. I already have some ideas.

 

Also getting complemented by the Supreme Gamemaster is equal to beating Red from Gold with one Magikarp, nigh impossible so congrats that you got one.

[/quote']

 

Good character. Loving the detail. I'm considering a few major plot twists which MAY include steering away from gym battles. If I continue with gym battles then I will definitely use this.

[Nexev]

Or here is something: You can do like the manga and make the gym leaders something else, like menbers of team rocket

 

here are two others:

 

Name: Floren

Age: 35

Personality: He cheery and a excellent cook, a firm beliver in natural and oraganic foods. Everything he eats he makes himslef and is a vegetarian (his mac and cheese is made from his wheat and the cheese from his milktank)

Appearance: Looks like a farmer, complete with staw hat and pitchfork. He is fairly simple (but not unintelligent) but has a good heart. His vegetables starting getting affected by the residue of the rockets experiments (thier home base if you recall is in the casino in Celadon City) creating unexpected results (luckily the plant's aren't toxic)...

Pokemon: Milktank, Vileplume, Tangrowth, Roserade, Tropius, Torterra

relation to previous gym leader: Erika's husband

 

Name: Chiki

Age: 12

Personality: She is sweet but very much a tomboy. She constantly trains, she can beat up Pokemon herself in hand to hand combat, also she is a psychic prodigy using it to help in most mundane tasks (uses it to lift a book when reading) this is due to psychic powers getting stronger with practice. Despite her great skills she is still seven and though she is a capable gym leader she doesn't take loss that well (however she gets over it amazingly fast due to her father's motto to be resolute and view every failure as a way to get stronger) also she loves candy.

Appearance: She has Sabrinas hairstyle but shorter, she always wear a gi with a purple belt.

Pokemon: Medichan, Jinx, Gallade, Hitmonchan, Hitmonlee, Mr mime

Relation to previous gym leader: Daughter of Sabrina and the dojo leader (the dojo used to be the SAffron City's gym until Sabrina toke over.

 

Name:Mosturne

Age: 15

Personality: He is somewhat cheery, kind, a great swimmer. Reached here by mysterious circumstances (he woke up with complete ammesia on a Wailord, he first freaked out but the Waillord was so big and peaceful that he calmed down before he did anything rash. He was found by mysty asleep on the Wailord having to eat raw fish (cooked by a Clampearl inside the Wailord who learned fireattacks through a Tm it found) and seaweed to survive. He actually still lives in Wailord feeling the most comfortable their as it was his first home and lived their for years.

Appearance: He always has a snorkeling suit on with gear (not including the air tank) Has black curly hair and his googles have special lens that work like glasses.

Pokemon: Wailord (the one he lived with, has a special connection with it), Huntail ( formerly the clampearl, can use fire attacks and grass attacks due to Tm's it found) Relicanth, Politoad, Seaking, Lantearn

Relation to previous gym leader: Adopted son of Misty (her sister's all became coordinators so he had to be the Gym Leader)

[Queen-Dragoon]

Or here is something: You can do like the manga and make the gym leaders something else' date=' like menbers of team rocket

 

here are two others:

 

Name: Floren

Age: 35

Personality: He cheery and a excellent cook, a firm beliver in natural and oraganic foods. Everything he eats he makes himslef and is a vegetarian (his mac and cheese is made from his wheat and the cheese from his milktank)

Appearance: Looks like a farmer, complete with staw hat and pitchfork. He is fairly simple (but not unintelligent) but has a good heart. His vegetables starting getting affected by the residue of the rockets experiments (thier home base if you recall is in the casino in Celadon City) creating unexpected results (luckily the plant's aren't toxic)...

Pokemon: Milktank, Vileplume, Tangrowth, Roserade, Tropius, Torterra

relation to previous gym leader: Erika's husband

 

Name: Chiki

Age: 12

Personality: She is sweet but very much a tomboy. She constantly trains, she can beat up Pokemon herself in hand to hand combat, also she is a psychic prodigy using it to help in most mundane tasks (uses it to lift a book when reading) this is due to psychic powers getting stronger with practice. Despite her great skills she is still seven and though she is a capable gym leader she doesn't take loss that well (however she gets over it amazingly fast due to her father's motto to be resolute and view every failure as a way to get stronger) also she loves candy.

Appearance: She has Sabrinas hairstyle but shorter, she always wear a gi with a purple belt.

Pokemon: Medichan, Jinx, Gallade, Hitmonchan, Hitmonlee, Mr mime

Relation to previous gym leader: Daughter of Sabrina and the dojo leader (the dojo used to be the SAffron City's gym until Sabrina toke over.

 

Name:Mosturne

Age: 15

Personality: He is somewhat cheery, kind, a great swimmer. Reached here by mysterious circumstances (he woke up with complete ammesia on a Wailord, he first freaked out but the Waillord was so big and peaceful that he calmed down before he did anything rash. He was found by mysty asleep on the Wailord having to eat raw fish (cooked by a Clampearl inside the Wailord who learned fireattacks through a Tm it found) and seaweed to survive. He actually still lives in Wailord feeling the most comfortable their as it was his first home and lived their for years.

Appearance: He always has a snorkeling suit on with gear (not including the air tank) Has black curly hair and his googles have special lens that work like glasses.

Pokemon: Wailord (the one he lived with, has a special connection with it), Huntail ( formerly the clampearl, can use fire attacks and grass attacks due to Tm's it found) Relicanth, Politoad, Seaking, Lantearn

Relation to previous gym leader: Adopted son of Misty (her sister's all became coordinators so he had to be the Gym Leader)

[/quote']

 

Pick your favourite apart from the Cerulean gym leader (I already have plans with Misty). I'm having a limit of two characters per person.

[Nexev]

I will then select Floren, it's a shame, I had idea's for Jasmine's brother (a safari hunter,) and Private Static ( a person who served under lieutenant surge in a great war).

[Duckmasta2020]

Name:Sagat Sirisute

Age:17

Personality: insightful and aggressive but cunning and passionate.

Appearance: Tall and stocky but with lean muscle. Wears mid shin navy blue shorts and a sleeveless button down navy blue cotton shirt.

Pokemon:Hitmonchan, Hitmonlee, Machoke, Meditite

Relation to previous gym leader:Master Kiyo's best disciple. has taken over leadership of dojo while Kiyo is out training across the land.

[Queen-Dragoon]

[align=center]EDITOR ANNONCEMENT: There will be a delay on the next part. I'm considering some plot options.

 

On another note... Can anyone who votes lower than 'Good.' on the poll please explain their reasons? I would like to know how I can improve. If you can provide no constructive criticism then refrain from voting.[/align]

[fenrir]

Just bumping this up...